"Unwanted Guilt"
Personal Log:
I had stayed with Chakotay
throughout the night,
resting in a chair the doc
brought me, for I was determined not to
leave his side, or let go
of his hand. I knew he would not be able to
see, and he would need to
know he was safe. I had drifted off and on,
but finally by early morning,
ship time, he stirred. I was there
immediately calling to him,
letting him know I was there and that he
was safe, which seemed to
work for the most part.
When he did wake, he was naturally
scared, for he could not
see, but I assured him he
was alright, and so was our daughter; this
eased him even more. Then
the Doc entered and began the long
discussion of Chakotay's
condition. I felt like my hand was going to
break from the pressure it
was receiving from his, but I was silent,
he needed me, and I was determined
to be there for him.
He also informed Tay that
Tuvok had been there that night, as
was I, and scanned him, for
medical purposes only, but could not find
anything to assist in the
matter. He could tell that Chakotay was not
telepathic, but the skill
of telekinesis is not among Vulcans, so he
was not able to make any
determinations about it, nor do we have any
of the few races that do
have this ability on board. So, the Doc
advised Chakotay to remain
calm at all possible times, till he was
stronger, and then they would
look into the matter farther.
Shortly after that, Tay fell
back asleep, exhausted, and I
talked with the Doc about
his recuperation, and his recommendations.
He told me he would keep
Chakotay till I was able to arrange our
quarters to be more suitable
to maneuver in. The less breakable items
about, the better, and to
keep in mind an old fashion clock, so
Chakotay could mentally picture
things using this reference.
I asked about a visor, or
other methods available for the
blind, and the Doc was totally
against them, for all of them required
surgery in the area in question,
and Chakotay was not up for any of
it. Plus, after the baby
was born, with luck, nothing but regular
surgery would be needed.
But till then it would be a long four and
half months, and that he
was here for me if I needed him. I have to
admit, I didn't understand
why he was offering this to me at the
time, but I guess he could
foresee things I could not at the time.
The Captain was surprisingly
very supportive, and gave
Chakotay six months sick
leave, this way he would keep his commission
and benefits; and after the
baby some time off to adjust. She also
gave me a month to help him.
She too was hoping for the best, and I
think.working off some guilt.
I don't know what demons she has to
face over all this.I only
know my own.
With Tuvok's and Harry's help,
I got our cabin situated
according to the way the
Doc specified. Harry helped me in the
bedroom, no reason to let
out too many secrets. It suddenly looked
very plain, even more so
than before, but the tiny touches that made
the difference had to be
put up, for I know Chakotay would be upset
if he broke them.I know I
would have been.
I brought Chakotay home that
afternoon and explained the new
lay out, and helped him to
bed, for he was in much need of more rest.
I admit, even then I felt
something more was wrong than what the Doc
had told me, I just couldn't
put my finger on it then. Thought I
started to get the picture
as time passed, for he didn't get out of
bed for the entire week,
accept to use the rest room, or take a bath.
after I insisted enough times.
I almost broke down and gave him a
sponge bath, but I didn't
want to push things, for he was allowing me
in, and I didn't want to
suddenly be pushed away.
The Doc said it was normal
for him to want to rest as much as
he was, not only for he needed
the physical rest, but the mental.
perhaps for others that made
sense, but not for Chakotay, no it was
not like him at all. With
a lot of effort and persuasion on my part,
I got him to get up and move
around the cabin, so he could get use to
it, which he did. Again I
should have seen it, for though I had to be
insistent, he never argued
with me. I first thought it was a quiet
refusal, but I've soon figured
out that was not the case, for to
refuse would have mean he
was still willing to fight.he isn't.
It hurt me to watch him stumble
around, but I pushed him to
practice, and soon he could
maneuver the cabin with ease, but he
still would not leave it.
Those who came to see him didn't stay long,
for one can only hold a one
way conversation for so long, he was that
withdrawn. I tried to get
him to talk about what happened, but all he
would say was he was sorry
and close up even more. I didn't doubt he
blamed himself for things,
I just didn't know how much till I watched
him start to fade before
my eyes. It was scary for if anyone asked
his opinion he would ask
mine, and at first I gave it, not realizing
the situation, and he would
calmly agree. I thought I was just on top
of things, but as time passed,
he required my opinion on just about
everything, and if I made
a comment in passing, such as.perhaps you
should go to bed, he would
stop what he was doing and go to bed.
*sigh* Perhaps I didn't want
realize at first how much control he
gave me, perhaps I thought
it was simple trust.I know better now.
To top it all off where the
nightmares; I guess each person
has their own view of what
scares them, and for Tay it was the loss
of our daughter and being
helpless. I remember the first night the
nightmares hit, I was sleeping
in my bed when everything began to
shake. I jumped up thinking
the ship was in trouble, but there was no
alarm klaxon going off, but
I ran into the living room ready to head
to the bridge when I noticed
it was perfectly calm out there.
I reentered the bedroom and
the shaking was worse, and I then
realized when I saw Tay shifting
in his sleep I knew he was the
source and I moved to his
side and tried to wake him. He started
mumbling, crying for them
to stay away from him.then.BAM.I was on the
floor. Thankfully it wasn't
as bad as it was before or I would have
been a stain on the wall,
but later the Doc told us that the implant
not only altered Tay's brain
chemistry, but acted like an amplifier.
I picked myself up to see
him sitting up, breathing hard, and tears
rolling down his face. The
Doc said that at the lower levels, the
episode didn't effect the
baby at all.thank goodness, I don't think
Tay could take much more,
nor I.
After another night of that,
I decided to ask for more time
off, and again the Captain
was great and offered me another week,
since I only had a week left
of my initial month off left. I've tried
to calm him at night and
the only thing that has worked is if I hold
him, which is perfectly fine
with me, I love to hold him, I only wish
I could do more to sooth
him.love him; he's in so much pain and he's
afraid.
I admit, as I sit here now,
watching him sleep across the
way, I realized I never pictured
him afraid of anything, much less
being afraid of everything.and
that's how he appears to be, afraid
of everything. Afraid to
make decisions, to make a move and I know
it's not because he's blind.it's
because he's afraid he'll do
something wrong to hurt our
daughter. But.this is not the man I fell
in love with.and that is
why I find myself sitting here in the dark,
making sure Tay can't hear
me, but I can keep an eye on him, making
this log.I need to talk with
someone.even if is myself.
I feel guilty that I've become
a bit resentful that he
depends on me so much, and
angry that he has simply accepted his fate
in the manner of a beaten
dog. Chakotay is no dog, and I know.I know
he is strong than this.what
I don't understand is why.why has he
given up? I mean I am glad
that he has let me in farther into his
life, but still.I wanted
it to be because he `wanted me' not.need me.
*sigh* But he does need me,
and that make me feel worse when I have
these feelings.feelings that
I should go back to work and.let him
once more stumble around
in the dark.without me.
No, I don't want to leave
him.I love him, more now than ever,
and deep down I think he
even knows it, but I don't feel I'm helping
him.only prolonging the situation.
I wish I knew how to make him
fight.to make him.the way
he use to be.the fire and confidence that
sparked my own. Sure I know
he was never perfect, but.I guess I
always saw me as the more
vulnerable one, and now I see him this way.
I'd pray, but I've never
been religious.and Chakotay seems to be
doing enough for both of
us. He'll ask me if he can, and
automatically I'll say of
course, and then he'll pray.for hours if I
let him..hours.?
I remember before when Chakotay
prayed he would do so for
half an hour then faze out.his
spirit walk, he called it. The first
time I saw this I panicked
for I couldn't get him to react to me.
thinking along these lines.he
hasn't .fazed out once in all the time
he's been praying since the
accident? Hmmm, well, perhaps I don't
know what I'm talking about.I
guess it's a sign of how desperate I'm
feeling.
I'm going to talk with the
Doc tomorrow, see what he
recommends, and.I have to
get back to work.I need to fly and I need
to not feel so guilty about
it.but I do. I feel like I'm abandoning
him when he needs me most.but
I can't. *sigh* I can't keep doing this.
this watching him fade into
a shadow.
Damn, the bed is shaking.I've got to go. End Log.
************
Personal Log:
Having the chair next to me
empty feels worse than I
first imagined, because unlike
before, I feel a ting of permanency
where as before I felt I
could fix the matter.this is out of my
hands. Hmm, hands.my hands
feel dirty, because I can't stop feeling
reasonable for these turn
of events. I can't stop thinking that if I
had not denied him in the
beginning.allowed him to have a child,
perhaps our child, none of
this would have occurred.but life is
filled with ifs.mine is no
exception.
I even feel guilty for wanting
him back. I did everything in
my power to keep him in the
XO chair, including offering my bed that
I never really took the time
to see what I was getting beyond an
incredible First Officer.
I should have realized that under the keen
sense and brilliant intellect
there was an incredible man.and now.it
seems I've caused the destruction
of both.the officer and the man.
I've visited him a few times
and it was like talking to a
wall, but the wall would
have shown more fire, he seemed so lifeless.
Sure, he would nod, say yes,
no.maybe so.but it was all empty words;
nothing like what it was
before. He could engage anyone in a
conversation on the dullest
of topics and pull you in, wanting to
know more, so long as he
was doing the taking. I can see why he was
it says in his record that
he was one of the most popular instructors.
the man was.is.*sigh* Chakotay
was a very charismatic speaker,
negotiator.and had this manner
about him that made him a natural
teacher..I miss that. I miss
him.
No, I no longer harbor thoughts
of trying to win back the
man; I know full well I lost
out. My own fault for not knowing what I
had, plus, I'd have competition.the
kind I could never beat, for as
much as I've come to realize
I care for Chakotay, I don't love him.
and Tom does.
I know when I first realized
that Tom loved Chakotay after
his heart attack, I actually
felt pity for him.I mean, Chakotay is
straight.but now.? I think
if I were to have pity for anyone, it
would be either Chakotay
for not seeing what he has, or anyone stupid
enough to try and get between
them. Perhaps Chakotay does know what
he has, for he clings to
Tom like a life line, but sadly, I think
that life line is choking
the poor Lieutenant.
I don't think Tom loves Chakotay
less, I just don't think
anyone would be prepared
to take on the burdens of anyone full time,
much less Chakotay. The man
was an enigma to begin with.I can't
imagine what Tom has to deal
with on a day to day level, trying to
figure a way to reach the
man inside; but if he can't no one will be
able too, for Chakotay has
kept his distance from everyone, but Tom,
and I could see it in the
Lieutenant's eyes, that Chakotay keeps him
at arms length too.
Oh, I'm sure there is more
going on than what I know about,
but I wouldn't suggest Tom
come talk to me about it, no, he saw
through me from the beginning,
and I can't blame him for not trusting
me to be his confidant. I
hope that the Doc and or Tuvok even Harry
can help him.for I see the
stress, and even Tom is cracking under it.
To deal with a former spitfire,
now blind, over five months
pregnant, withdrawn, depressed,
and to top it off.suffers from
uncontrollable telekinesis
episodes at night.would be enough for
anyone to throw in the towel,
though I suspect Tom would shatter to
tiny bits before doing that.but.why
should he have to do it alone?
Why do I feel like I have
to do something.penance? Perhaps, but that
doesn't take away the need
to do something, I just don't know what.
The Doctor has suggested on
placing signal markers around the
ship, so Chakotay can maneuver
the halls easier. He said that he
could teach Chakotay to distinguish
between the different tones so he
could tell where he was,
what level, ladders and turbolift locations,
and computer locations. He
did say it would put a bit of a strain n
the replicator power to create
them.but I told him to go ahead and
have B'Elanna help him, for
I know she too is looking for her penance
in all this.
Strange, out of all this disaster,
it is the friendship I've
formed with my Chief Engineer
that has been the only light in this
darkness. True, we did have
a good working relationship, but not what
I would call a friendship.not
till now. I guess she decided she could
talk to me about things when
I didn't toss her butt in the brig for
the little stun she pulled
on the planet with the Bentar pilot.in
fact I didn't make any official
record of the matter, didn't see the
point; so after that she
and I talked. Even stranger is to discover
that we have so much in common,
including the need to help Chakotay.
The Doctor informed me this
morning that the signal devices
were all installed, for I
know that once B'Elanna made mention of
what she was planning to
do, there were no end to volunteers to help
her. In fact, I wanted to
help, but I didn't want to take away from
others, they too seem to
have the need to help him.their loyalty.no,
their love for him is amazing.just
like him. Now, if only we can get
him to leave the cabin, Tom
says he won't do it. Not that he argues
with Tom, he just won't do
it. Well, perhaps here, I can do something.
I only hope it's the right
something.heaven knows I've done enough of
t he wrong thing.
End Log.
**********
Personal Log:
I can't believe what the crew
has done to help Tay.
its incredible! I had a hell
of a time to get Tay to leave the cabin,
he simply didn't want too,
and I was almost glad for that would mean
a fight.and that would mean.his
spark was back; sadly he simply gave
in. though I think it was
after I told him he would need to be able
to get around since I was
going to be back on shift soon.I didn't
mean to be so blunt about
it, but it was the truth and he needed to
know.
It's fascinating, to quote
our local Vulcan, but Tay's eyes,
though unfocused, are still
the most expressive eyes I've ever seen.
Though when I told him I
was going back to work soon, I didn't like
what I saw.sheer panic. I
reassured him that it was only partial
shift, but he had to know.had
to accept that I would be going back to
work.that I needed to work.
Perhaps I was wrong, perhaps deep down he
hasn't given up.for he could
have still simply refused or cried and
begged me not too, but he
accepted the fact and we were off to talk
with the Doc so Chakotay
could be trained in using the signals to
maneuver Voyager. In fact,
the more I think about it, I was wrong,
for that though scares the
hell out of me, and I can see; I can't
imagine what Tay is thinking.
Right now he's with the Doc,
and with his mobile emitter, is
training Chakotay to maneuver
the halls. I wanted to do it, but I can
see the Doc's point, if I
want to break Tay's dependence of me, now
is as good a time as any.
I'm scared for him, but I am suddenly aware
of how proud I am of him.
This will be day four, and the Doc is
impressed with Chakotay's
progress, that he thinks that if Chakotay
passes his test today, he'll
be cleared to move about Voyager freely.
ah so much has changed for
the better, I hope it continues to do so.
One of the reasons is that
it seems that my thoughts about
him not taking a spirit walk
were correct, for a couple of days ago I
mentioned it to him and after
some time he admitted that he had not
done so. It was then that
I asked him why and.and he told me what
happened on the planet and
why he blamed himself. I watched him cry
as he admitted that he knew
that I loved him and how it frighten him,
not simply because I was
a man, but because he was having feelings
for me too, and he didn't
and still doesn't know what to do about
them. That I deserve someone
as wonderful as I have been to him to be
with, not someone who couldn't
even be grateful for the blessings in
his own life.
I hugged him tightly, nor
longer afraid of him knowing, since
I already felt he did, and
told him he was right, I did and do love
him, and that I could never
do better than him, for he was my heart.
We both cried some, for I
knew, he was not able to return my
feelings, but I knew he cared
for me.not just needed me for he was
afraid, but he truly cared
for me. As he said, it may not always be
enough, but it is for now,
for I can't imagine my life without him in
it or waking up without him
in my arms. *happy sigh* At least I can
hold him, not only at night,
but he'll snuggle up to me when we sit
and talk now, it's great.
Sure I still desire him, but to have his
trust is not something I'm
taking lightly, and it's become clear that
his need of me is because
he does trust me.it's as close to love as
he may come, but it still
feels pretty damn good. To top it off, he
offered to share his beliefs.if
I wanted to know them; of course I
said yes.
It was incredible, I never
such a place existed, and to think
Tay visited this spirit plane
all the time.? I don't think I was too
surprised to discover my
guide was a bird.a Hawk in fact, but, to
realize that it is not only
the type of creature that is a part of us
but the nature.that surprised
me. Hawks are hunters.and survivors.and
though I consider myself
a survivor I never considered myself a
hunter.but thinking about
my actions with Tay.perhaps I can. It did
prompt me to do a bit of
research on Hawks, and kind of giggled when
I found out that once they
chose a mate.that's it.done.fanito. I
could see this about me,
for I have chosen Chakotay, and even if
things don't work out.there
could never be anyone else.not for me.
That's the door, it sounds
like Chakotay and the Doc, got to
go. I hope it went well for
I'm back on shift tomorrow.
End Log.
*********
Personal Log:
This is probably the first
time I've been alone for
more than four hours and
I have to admit.I'm scared. Tom has gone
back to work full time and
I am glad for him, but I still don't have
to like it. Sure, I can walk
around the cabin without error, and with
the sound system they have
installed, I can walk the halls of
Voyager, so long as they
are working and there is no red alert, for
the klaxon would drown the
tiny signals out; not that anyone
mentioned that.I just don't
think they thought about it.they just
wanted me out an about.to
ease their own sense of guilt.
I tried to tell them that
they had nothing to feel bad about,
that this was all my own
fault.but as usual, you can not tell people
how to feel. But I know this
happened because I angered the spirits,
tossing their blessing back
into their faces.even if I didn't mean to
do it, for that was what
I did.
I had done a lot of prayer
of forgiveness, but didn't dare
return to the spirit plane,
more of fear of being rejected or rebuked
some more. But when Tom brought
up the subjected, and we started
talking, I could finally
see.inside, that Tom was so much more than a
sweet face and good heart,
that he had his own brand of wisdom and
streanght to offer, and this
too had I denied. Though I was scared
I'd hurt him by the truth,
I could do no less but give him all of it.
Once again he amazed me with
his depth of understanding and forgiving
heart, and when he held me
and told me he loved me, and that he found
me worthy of his love, it
was humbling. I do not know if I can ever
give him what he deserves,
but I know I will honestly try.no lies.I
value him too much to do
that to him.
Now when we sit and talk,
I find a sense of peace in his
arms, the same sense of peace
that I have found in presences. I can
not deny.he makes me feel
safe, strong.and loved. I think that
perhaps on some level I do
love Tom, I just can't.. *sigh* but, I
will not dwell in such things.
If I have learned anything, a blessing
is to be cherished, not dissected
till it makes sense. As my Father
has said, the spirits know
what they are doing.trust in them.so this
time I will.
I showed Tom his spirit guide
and how to meditate, and now he
does it with me, and it feels
good to have his presence, for before I
would have insisted to be
alone, but not having Tom around is alone.
and I do not wish it anymore.
Well, that's all I have to
say for the moment, and since Tom
won't be back for another
four hours, and I don't feel like walking
the labyrinth, that's how
it feels.Voyager's halls.I'm going to
meditate, it's getting close
to the time and I still don't have a
name picked out for her.well
a first name.her last name is Paris,
like her daddy.
End Log.
*********
"Hey, Hon!"
"Hey yourself, how did shift go?"
Tom smiled seeing his husband
looking not only healthy, but
at peace as he sat in the
chair Tom made for him, so he could
meditate. "It went great,
did I disturb you?"
"No, I meditated a while ago,
but I have to admit, this is
the most comfortable chair
in the place, I didn't want to leave it,"
Chakotay chuckled, as he
gently reached out toward where he could
sense Tom was standing, and
took his hand and accepted the hug
warmly.
"Did your check up with the
Doc go okay?" Tom asked as he
stepped into the bedroom,
now holding a single queen-size bed, and
started to change from his
uniform.
Chakotay was gently placing
back the items in his medicine
bundle, his unfocused dark
eyes still shining at hearing Tom's
enthusiastic voice.//Shift
went very well,// he thought warmly. He
gave a chuckle, "As if you
didn't check up on me," he teased.
Tom looked a tad guilty, "Well,
I admit I checked to make
sure you went and got there
safely..?"
"Its okay, Tom. I would be
mad if you didn't," he replied
warmly, standing up with
a lot of effort and the hand pulls Tom
placed above the chair so
Chakotay could get in and out himself. Then
slowly Chakotay maneuvered
the room to the draw by the wall and
placed his bundle away then
moved to the doorway. "I was wondering.do
you feel up to going to Sardines?"
Tom stopped in mid dress and
stared at the man in the doorway.
was this his Chakotay.asking
to go out? "You.want to go out?"
Chakotay smiled, "I admit,
I have not felt like being around
people lately, but.I can't
hide in here forever, and I know you won't
go out, because you'll feel
guilty about leaving me here alone.and I
know Harry misses you as
you do him.so yes. I'd like to go out. Who
knows I might even beat you
in a game of pool?"
Tom laughed, a warm and hardy
laugh, not because of the joke,
but because he could see.the
spark was back.his Tay was back. "Yes,
yes I would love to go out.
But I must tell you, you are not going
out dressed like that?" he
teased.
"What doesn't strips and plaids
go together anymore?"
Chakotay laughed, not even
close to describing the clothes he was
wearing. Tom had taken extreme
care to set up his cloth with makers,
uniform sets, slacks, by
color, shirts long, short, also by color and
other stuff. So the fact
that Chakotay wore a pair of tan shorts and
a white tank top was probably
no accident.
Tom chuckled, "Not in this
life time. But seriously, no
husband of mine is going
out looking like a beach bum," he smiled as
he walked to Tay's closet
and started gathering a nice outfit for him
to wear.
"Oh, aren't we getting a bit
possessive," Chakotay teased as
he moved toward his husband's
voice and scent. He didn't want to tell
Tom that he smelled, not
that it was a bad smell, it was quite nice,
he just didn't want to give
away his little trick on locating the
young man.it seemed to frazzled
Tom and for some reason he liked
frazzled.
Tom jumped as he felt strong
arms wrap around his chest and
then felt a hug from Tay
behind him. A part of him wanted to turn
into that hug and make more
of it, but he would never make more of
what he was offered, so he
simply laughed and leaned back into the
hug. "Come one, let's get
you dressed."
"I can dress myself, thank
you," Chakotay chided lightly as
he reached out for the clothes
in Tom's hand and took them to the
bathroom.
"Hey, how do you know if what
I gave you matches?" Tom
teased.
"I don't, but if they don't
match, no one's going to blame
me, now are they?" he smirked
and closed the bathroom door to change.
Tom closed his eyes and leaned
against the wall, and hugged
himself.//this is good.this
is very good!// he smiled to himself.his
Tay was back!
**********
The volume in Sardines dropped
as the couple entered
inside. "Ah, come on, I'm
sure you people have I've snagged the best
looking man on the ship by
now?" Tom teased to keep the mood light.
"Oh, I thought I did that,"
Chakotay teased back as the noise
level started to get back
to normal.
There were many who where
glad to see Chakotay out and about,
including the Captain. "I
don't know what he did to get you down
here, but I'm glad to see
you," she smiled sincerely reaching out a
hand to Chakotay.
Chakotay reached out, the
typical awkward joining of hands,
and then a sincere clasp,
"I'm glad too," he replied
sincerely. "Now, how
about you buying me a drink, for I think my
husband has a few rations
to win off some unlucky fools at pool," he
grinned. "I'm having this
deep dark craving for Chocolate, chocolate
chunk walnut cookie and ice
cream."
Janeway couldn't surpass a
laugh at seeing Tom's eyes grow
wide, for something like
that cost a lot of ration credits; but what
made it funnier was that
she could tell that Chakotay was
teasing. //Good to see you
back, my friend,// she thought, realizing
that was who she truly missed.her
friend.Chakotay.
"Ah, Tay.I don't." Tom soon
figured out he was being played
when he saw the suppressed
laugh of the Captain and the smirk on
Chakotay's face. He laughed,
"I get it, you just don't want me around
anymore, well I can take
a hint," Tom replied in mock hurt.
Chakotay was tempted to continue
the banter, but this good
mood was still too delicate
to tamper with. "You know that's not
true, but I do know that
you and Harry have not had any time together
and I want the Captain to
catch me up on things.and I know how ship
talk boars you," he smiled.
"So, go on, have fun.that's an order.
Lieutenant."
Tom's eyes glowed, "Yes, sir,"
he grinned and headed off to
play pool with Harry leaving
Chakotay in the good hands of the
Captain, that before today
he might have questioned, but she had
proven herself with time.
Janeway led Chakotay to a
table and they both took a seat and
she ordered them both a drink.
"You are looking much better,
Commander," she smiled.
"You're sounding better,"
Chakotay replied warmly. "Tom tells
me that you won't let Tuvok
sit in the First Officer's chair. a bit
much don't you think?"
"Well, there is nothing he
can't do from his station, plus,
your absence is only temporary,
why let him get comfortable?"
"Ever the optimist," Chakotay
replied. "Well, I guess only
time will tell, though we
both know I can't do the job as XO blind,
so I've been thinking."
"You `will' be able to see
after the baby is born," she
interrupted, her tone attempting
to sound light, but it was filled
with heartfelt determination.
Chakotay reached out and found
her hand on her drink and held
them, "I know that is what
you believe, but you know me.us.we have to
be prepared for all kinds
of contingences, that's how we've survived
the Delta, by being ready
for the off chance of possibilities. This
is no different. If my blindness
is too advanced to be fixed and the
other options are not feasible,
then I want to transfer to medical."
"Medical?"
"Well, I know I haven't done
it since the accident, but I am
the ships de facto councilor,
why not pursue it full time. I'm sure
in between, I would also
make a good advisor to her Majesty," he
teased.
"That's not funny," she retorted,
pulling her hands away from
his.
"I was only teasing, Kathryn.I."
"No, I'm sorry. It's just
that.I `was' acting like a Queen,
and had I been acting more
like a Captain instead.?"
"Stop it, Kathryn. I myself
have suffered the blame game, it
gets us know where. What
matters is now.right now. I want my friend
back, Kathryn, and I want
to make the most of what I have.now. Sure
there are things I would
want to change.but I've come to realize that
they are not as many as I
would have first thought."
Kathryn smiled, "You mean.Tom?"
She suppressed a chuckle,
seeing a slight blush on
Chakotay's face. "You care for him, don't
you?"
Chakotay lowered his head,
"Yes, but I still don't think." He
felt fingers on his chin
as his head was raised.
"Don't think, Chakotay.feel.
That was my mistake.don't make
it yours."
Chakotay nodded, "I'll try."
"Captain?" a warm voice called
out. "Commander?" the same
voice said, now nervous.
Chakotay turned toward the
voice and smiled, "B'Elanna, it's
good to hear from you.you
never visited me, I thought I had tribble
infestation or something,"
he teased, trying to put her at ease and
let her know he was not made
at her one bit.not anymore.
"I.um.I."
"Its okay, B'Elanna. Not that
I think you need it, for you
were ill, but if it helps.I
forgive you," Chakotay states, reaching
out to her, surprising her
by his accuracy and gave her hand a gentle
squeeze.
"Thank you, Chakotay," he
replied softly. Then she cleared
her throat, "I see you two
have a lot to catch up on, I'll leave you."
"Nonsense," Chakotay replied,
for Tom had told him that Harry
told him about the Captain
and B'Elanna's blooming friendship, during
their lunches together, and
by the smell of Kathryn's perfume, this
was a date or a hopeful prelude
to one. "You two had plans, and
besides, Tom is still at
the table and I have a surprise for him;
something the Doc and I have
been working on," he grinned, the
mischievous spark full in
his face.
"Well, in that case, no problem,
but do you mind, I would
love to see what you have
cooked up for our Lieutenant Paris,"
Janeway replied.
"Then let's be off to the
pool table.shall we?" he grinned.
Chakotay, Janeway, and B'Elanna
lingering in the back, for
Tom still had not forgiven
her, nor would she push for it; though she
wanted it, arrived at the
table as Harry lost to his friend.again.
"I should have known.even
without a month to practice I can't
beat you," Harry replied
with a good sportsman like attitude.
"Come now, Harry, it's not
that hard," Chakotay stated
easily. "In fact, I could
beat our Mr. Paris here at pool, and we all
know the table is not in
my favor either."
Most of the people laughed,
except those still uncomfortable
with the Commander's blindness,
but if he felt comfortable enough to
make light of it, they would
accept it. Tom just chuckled, "Tay, you
shouldn't tease Harry so,
he just paid you're a quarter of your
cookies and ice cream." J
"Thank you, Harry. But Tom,
who said I was teasing? I can
beat you, and I'm more than
willing to put my money where my mouth
is, loser has to cook dinner
for the winner.unless you're afraid to
go up against me.because
of a little handicap?"
Tom shifted on his feet, he
wasn't prepared for this, he
wasn't sure if Chakotay was
trying to prove something and using him
or what, his eyes were gleaming,
but he couldn't tell with what.he
didn't like this one bit.
If he backed out, no on here but Tay would
be mad at him, but to make
Tay happy, others would be upset.he
sighed. "If you really want
to play.so be it," he said as lightly as
he could, his eyes not looking
to happy.
Janeway stood by quietly,
for had not Chakotay mentioned that
this was a set up, a joke,
she would have intervened, as it was, she
was wondering if this might
not be such a good idea after all, Tom
looked horrified. She watched
Tom set up the table, fidgeting
the balls.
"I promise you, Tom, I won't
embarrass you," Chakotay said
softly, letting his husband
off the hook somewhat, for he could hear
and feel Tom's nerves and
concern. His words helped a little.
"You want me to break?" Tom asked, still not liking this.
"No, just line up the white
ball, if you please, and by the
way, could you describe the
lay out, by color and number, from in
front of the white ball to
the back.left to right, if you don't
mind?"
Tom shrugged as he placed
the white ball, and did as Chakotay
asked, "Here's your cue stick,"
Tom offered.
"Just stand me in front of
the table," Chakotay said as he
took the stick.
"Okay," Tom said, feeling
the tension and the looks he was
getting. "You want me to
line up your shot?"
"No, in fact, here," he said
offering Tom back the cue
stick, "I won't be needing
this," he smiled with a mischievous grin.
Then he turned toward the
table and concentrated. To those who only
heard of Chakotay's new development,
gasped, and those who knew.also
gasped. Chakotay started
to move the white ball, slowly at first,
never leaving the spot, just
shaking, then..it rolled forward hard
and hit the balls, sending
five into a pocket. "What went in first,
solid, strip and what numbers?"
he asked.
Tom stood stunned, and then
he grinned, he was set up and
royally. "So this is what
you and the doc have been doing," he
laughed as others applauded.
Tom did as he was asked, gave Chakotay
the read off, and what numbers
had been placed into the pocket. "Do
you want to know what the
set up is?"
Chakotay laughed, "I never
said I'd beat you fair, now did
I?" he laughed. He then concentrated
once more on the table, and in
order by number the strips
rolled all over the table till they landed
in a pocket with a *plunk*
and then the next one, till all but the
eight remained.then it too
*plunked* in the pocket.
Tom hugged Chakotay, "You
do know that was illegal as hell,"
he teased.
"True, but I don't like to
cook," he chucked back, then he
whispered, "The Doc said
I should find a way to let the crew see,
sorry."
Tom took the heartfelt apology,
"Its okay, but next time,
include me, okay?"
"You got it. Now, if you don't
mind, I'd like to go home and
get some rest, that makes
me tired," he said stifling a yawn.
"I'll walk you."
"No, you need to stay, have
fun, and win desert," he teased.
Then he bid everyone good
night and slowly, but surly made his way
out of Sardines and back
to his quarters.
"Wow," Harry said from behind Tom.
Tom grinned, glowing with
pride. "Tell me about it," he
sighed with happiness. Then
he turned to face the crowd, "Okay, the
man has a very expensive
craving, so who want to help out and offer
themselves up to the slaughter,"
he teased.
"I will, if you.like?"
Tom saw it was B'Elanna, she
was reaching out, and after what
he witnessed today, how could
he be anything but forgiving. "Sure,
the ration credits are more
sweet when the come from a friend," he
smiled, letting her know,
she was forgiven.
Tom would find it a sweet
night indeed, for many were willing
to `offer up' for the Commander,
which Tom had no doubt.
***********
It was good to walk his spirit
plain, the place seemed more
alive than before, and he
knew why.he had accepted his blessings and
he bloomed under their care.
He had seen his Father once more and
made peace, but since then
have only seen his wolf, the one who has
guided him over the many
years. Today she led him to a beautiful
meadow, and it was filled
with colors and flowers and all kinds of
creatures, including the
rare butterfly.
He walked leisurely among
the flowers, enjoying their scents,
and the sight, for he could
not see this in the real world, and was
even more grateful for this
place. He then felt a tiny tickle by his
ear, and out of the corner
of his eye he could tell it was the most
beautiful butterfly he had
ever seen and it landed on his ear.it
whispered something to him.
He snapped his head up, his
face grinning ear to ear. //She
finally told me!// he thought,
now knowing the name of his
daughter. "I've got to tell
Tom," he said out loud, thrilled beyond
belief. "Computer time?"
<Time is 11:43 and 40 seconds.>
"Lunch.I'll tell him then,"
he grinned, as he placed his
stuff away, then stood up
to place it back, when suddenly the ship
rocked violently, he went
falling, catching the corner of the sofa
and bracing himself. The
alarm klaxon sounded, and by the violent
movement of the ship, they
were being attacked. Being almost seven
months along, he knew where
he belonged, they had discussed
it. "Computer, medical beam
out to sickbay," he ordered.nothing
happened as the ship lurched
violently again.
He shifted around to the sofa
and lay down, it was the next
safest place he could think
of, for the Computer was either down or
placed on a narrow focus.
The ship continued to shake violently and
he could feel Tom dancing
Voyager, especially when the inertia
dampers failed.then he really
could feel it. Then the movements
changed.not as graceful,
things became iritic, and that feeling.
something was wrong. "Chakotay
to bridge," nothing.
He had lived too long in the
Delta learning to listen to his
gut, now was not the time
to ignore it. It was hard, but he managed
to get up and to his door
and into the hall. The klaxon was still
sounding so he couldn't hear
the signals, but he knew the way to the
turbolift. As quickly as
he could he made his way to the lift and
entered. He could feel the
power in the panel and so entered the code
for the bridge since the
computer was off line and felt it going up.
When the door opened, his
senses were hit with the smell of burring
metal and rubber and flesh,
and smoke.the bridge had been hit.
"Commander, you don't belong here!" Harry cried out.
"Cut the damn klaxon and tell
me what the hell is wrong?" he
shouted back.
Soon the klaxon was off, but
the crackling of fire was still
heard, and smoke still filled
the air. "We took a direct hit, sir."
Harry stared, but stalled
when Chakotay raised a hand to stall him.
Chakotay thought quickly,
Kathryn, Tuvok.and..heavens no.
Tom! //No time.// his mind
whirled. "Did you get them to sickbay," he
asked as he moved forward
to where he knew the bridge chairs were,
unaware that he could see
as well as just about anyone else, fore the
lights were out.
"Yes.but." Harry started.
"Update!" he ordered. "Who's flying?" he called out. "Jerry?"
"Yes, sir," Betahart replied, his voice pained.
"No offense, sir.but how can
you help, your blind?" Harry
asked, he too was injured,
and he didn't know if Chakotay had a clue
to the hellish mess he just
walked into. All the senior staff except
him were in sickbay, half
the consoles fried, no lights and a gaping
whole in the ceiling, where
only a force wall was keeping them alive;
thankfully no one was sucked
out by the time it activated and that
the walls worked on a separate
system.no, he had no clue.
"I guess we'll see, Ensign.now,
update!"
TBC in Unwanted Undesirable Endings