"Unwanted Guilt"

Personal Log:

I had stayed with Chakotay throughout the night,
resting in a chair the doc brought me, for I was determined not to
leave his side, or let go of his hand. I knew he would not be able to
see, and he would need to know he was safe. I had drifted off and on,
but finally by early morning, ship time, he stirred. I was there
immediately calling to him, letting him know I was there and that he
was safe, which seemed to work for the most part.

When he did wake, he was naturally scared, for he could not
see, but I assured him he was alright, and so was our daughter; this
eased him even more. Then the Doc entered and began the long
discussion of Chakotay's condition. I felt like my hand was going to
break from the pressure it was receiving from his, but I was silent,
he needed me, and I was determined to be there for him.

He also informed Tay that Tuvok had been there that night, as
was I, and scanned him, for medical purposes only, but could not find
anything to assist in the matter. He could tell that Chakotay was not
telepathic, but the skill of telekinesis is not among Vulcans, so he
was not able to make any determinations about it, nor do we have any
of the few races that do have this ability on board. So, the Doc
advised Chakotay to remain calm at all possible times, till he was
stronger, and then they would look into the matter farther.

Shortly after that, Tay fell back asleep, exhausted, and I
talked with the Doc about his recuperation, and his recommendations.
He told me he would keep Chakotay till I was able to arrange our
quarters to be more suitable to maneuver in. The less breakable items
about, the better, and to keep in mind an old fashion clock, so
Chakotay could mentally picture things using this reference.

I asked about a visor, or other methods available for the
blind, and the Doc was totally against them, for all of them required
surgery in the area in question, and Chakotay was not up for any of
it. Plus, after the baby was born, with luck, nothing but regular
surgery would be needed. But till then it would be a long four and
half months, and that he was here for me if I needed him. I have to
admit, I didn't understand why he was offering this to me at the
time, but I guess he could foresee things I could not at the time.

The Captain was surprisingly very supportive, and gave
Chakotay six months sick leave, this way he would keep his commission
and benefits; and after the baby some time off to adjust. She also
gave me a month to help him. She too was hoping for the best, and I
think.working off some guilt. I don't know what demons she has to
face over all this.I only know my own.

With Tuvok's and Harry's help, I got our cabin situated
according to the way the Doc specified. Harry helped me in the
bedroom, no reason to let out too many secrets. It suddenly looked
very plain, even more so than before, but the tiny touches that made
the difference had to be put up, for I know Chakotay would be upset
if he broke them.I know I would have been.

I brought Chakotay home that afternoon and explained the new
lay out, and helped him to bed, for he was in much need of more rest.
I admit, even then I felt something more was wrong than what the Doc
had told me, I just couldn't put my finger on it then. Thought I
started to get the picture as time passed, for he didn't get out of
bed for the entire week, accept to use the rest room, or take a bath.
after I insisted enough times. I almost broke down and gave him a
sponge bath, but I didn't want to push things, for he was allowing me
in, and I didn't want to suddenly be pushed away.

The Doc said it was normal for him to want to rest as much as
he was, not only for he needed the physical rest, but the mental.
perhaps for others that made sense, but not for Chakotay, no it was
not like him at all. With a lot of effort and persuasion on my part,
I got him to get up and move around the cabin, so he could get use to
it, which he did. Again I should have seen it, for though I had to be
insistent, he never argued with me. I first thought it was a quiet
refusal, but I've soon figured out that was not the case, for to
refuse would have mean he was still willing to fight.he isn't.

It hurt me to watch him stumble around, but I pushed him to
practice, and soon he could maneuver the cabin with ease, but he
still would not leave it. Those who came to see him didn't stay long,
for one can only hold a one way conversation for so long, he was that
withdrawn. I tried to get him to talk about what happened, but all he
would say was he was sorry and close up even more. I didn't doubt he
blamed himself for things, I just didn't know how much till I watched
him start to fade before my eyes. It was scary for if anyone asked
his opinion he would ask mine, and at first I gave it, not realizing
the situation, and he would calmly agree. I thought I was just on top
of things, but as time passed, he required my opinion on just about
everything, and if I made a comment in passing, such as.perhaps you
should go to bed, he would stop what he was doing and go to bed.
*sigh* Perhaps I didn't want realize at first how much control he
gave me, perhaps I thought it was simple trust.I know better now.

To top it all off where the nightmares; I guess each person
has their own view of what scares them, and for Tay it was the loss
of our daughter and being helpless. I remember the first night the
nightmares hit, I was sleeping in my bed when everything began to
shake. I jumped up thinking the ship was in trouble, but there was no
alarm klaxon going off, but I ran into the living room ready to head
to the bridge when I noticed it was perfectly calm out there.

I reentered the bedroom and the shaking was worse, and I then
realized when I saw Tay shifting in his sleep I knew he was the
source and I moved to his side and tried to wake him. He started
mumbling, crying for them to stay away from him.then.BAM.I was on the
floor. Thankfully it wasn't as bad as it was before or I would have
been a stain on the wall, but later the Doc told us that the implant
not only altered Tay's brain chemistry, but acted like an amplifier.
I picked myself up to see him sitting up, breathing hard, and tears
rolling down his face. The Doc said that at the lower levels, the
episode didn't effect the baby at all.thank goodness, I don't think
Tay could take much more, nor I.

After another night of that, I decided to ask for more time
off, and again the Captain was great and offered me another week,
since I only had a week left of my initial month off left. I've tried
to calm him at night and the only thing that has worked is if I hold
him, which is perfectly fine with me, I love to hold him, I only wish
I could do more to sooth him.love him; he's in so much pain and he's
afraid.

I admit, as I sit here now, watching him sleep across the
way, I realized I never pictured him afraid of anything, much less
being afraid of everything.and that's how he appears to be, afraid
of everything. Afraid to make decisions, to make a move and I know
it's not because he's blind.it's because he's afraid he'll do
something wrong to hurt our daughter. But.this is not the man I fell
in love with.and that is why I find myself sitting here in the dark,
making sure Tay can't hear me, but I can keep an eye on him, making
this log.I need to talk with someone.even if is myself.

I feel guilty that I've become a bit resentful that he
depends on me so much, and angry that he has simply accepted his fate
in the manner of a beaten dog. Chakotay is no dog, and I know.I know
he is strong than this.what I don't understand is why.why has he
given up? I mean I am glad that he has let me in farther into his
life, but still.I wanted it to be because he `wanted me' not.need me.
*sigh* But he does need me, and that make me feel worse when I have
these feelings.feelings that I should go back to work and.let him
once more stumble around in the dark.without me.

No, I don't want to leave him.I love him, more now than ever,
and deep down I think he even knows it, but I don't feel I'm helping
him.only prolonging the situation. I wish I knew how to make him
fight.to make him.the way he use to be.the fire and confidence that
sparked my own. Sure I know he was never perfect, but.I guess I
always saw me as the more vulnerable one, and now I see him this way.
I'd pray, but I've never been religious.and Chakotay seems to be
doing enough for both of us. He'll ask me if he can, and
automatically I'll say of course, and then he'll pray.for hours if I
let him..hours.?

I remember before when Chakotay prayed he would do so for
half an hour then faze out.his spirit walk, he called it. The first
time I saw this I panicked for I couldn't get him to react to me.
thinking along these lines.he hasn't .fazed out once in all the time
he's been praying since the accident? Hmmm, well, perhaps I don't
know what I'm talking about.I guess it's a sign of how desperate I'm
feeling.

I'm going to talk with the Doc tomorrow, see what he
recommends, and.I have to get back to work.I need to fly and I need
to not feel so guilty about it.but I do. I feel like I'm abandoning
him when he needs me most.but I can't. *sigh* I can't keep doing this.
this watching him fade into a shadow.

Damn, the bed is shaking.I've got to go. End Log.

************

Personal Log:

Having the chair next to me empty feels worse than I
first imagined, because unlike before, I feel a ting of permanency
where as before I felt I could fix the matter.this is out of my
hands. Hmm, hands.my hands feel dirty, because I can't stop feeling
reasonable for these turn of events. I can't stop thinking that if I
had not denied him in the beginning.allowed him to have a child,
perhaps our child, none of this would have occurred.but life is
filled with ifs.mine is no exception.

I even feel guilty for wanting him back. I did everything in
my power to keep him in the XO chair, including offering my bed that
I never really took the time to see what I was getting beyond an
incredible First Officer. I should have realized that under the keen
sense and brilliant intellect there was an incredible man.and now.it
seems I've caused the destruction of both.the officer and the man.

I've visited him a few times and it was like talking to a
wall, but the wall would have shown more fire, he seemed so lifeless.
Sure, he would nod, say yes, no.maybe so.but it was all empty words;
nothing like what it was before. He could engage anyone in a
conversation on the dullest of topics and pull you in, wanting to
know more, so long as he was doing the taking. I can see why he was
it says in his record that he was one of the most popular instructors.
the man was.is.*sigh* Chakotay was a very charismatic speaker,
negotiator.and had this manner about him that made him a natural
teacher..I miss that. I miss him.

No, I no longer harbor thoughts of trying to win back the
man; I know full well I lost out. My own fault for not knowing what I
had, plus, I'd have competition.the kind I could never beat, for as
much as I've come to realize I care for Chakotay, I don't love him.
and Tom does.

I know when I first realized that Tom loved Chakotay after
his heart attack, I actually felt pity for him.I mean, Chakotay is
straight.but now.? I think if I were to have pity for anyone, it
would be either Chakotay for not seeing what he has, or anyone stupid
enough to try and get between them. Perhaps Chakotay does know what
he has, for he clings to Tom like a life line, but sadly, I think
that life line is choking the poor Lieutenant.

I don't think Tom loves Chakotay less, I just don't think
anyone would be prepared to take on the burdens of anyone full time,
much less Chakotay. The man was an enigma to begin with.I can't
imagine what Tom has to deal with on a day to day level, trying to
figure a way to reach the man inside; but if he can't no one will be
able too, for Chakotay has kept his distance from everyone, but Tom,
and I could see it in the Lieutenant's eyes, that Chakotay keeps him
at arms length too.

Oh, I'm sure there is more going on than what I know about,
but I wouldn't suggest Tom come talk to me about it, no, he saw
through me from the beginning, and I can't blame him for not trusting
me to be his confidant. I hope that the Doc and or Tuvok even Harry
can help him.for I see the stress, and even Tom is cracking under it.

To deal with a former spitfire, now blind, over five months
pregnant, withdrawn, depressed, and to top it off.suffers from
uncontrollable telekinesis episodes at night.would be enough for
anyone to throw in the towel, though I suspect Tom would shatter to
tiny bits before doing that.but.why should he have to do it alone?
Why do I feel like I have to do something.penance? Perhaps, but that
doesn't take away the need to do something, I just don't know what.

The Doctor has suggested on placing signal markers around the
ship, so Chakotay can maneuver the halls easier. He said that he
could teach Chakotay to distinguish between the different tones so he
could tell where he was, what level, ladders and turbolift locations,
and computer locations. He did say it would put a bit of a strain n
the replicator power to create them.but I told him to go ahead and
have B'Elanna help him, for I know she too is looking for her penance
in all this.

Strange, out of all this disaster, it is the friendship I've
formed with my Chief Engineer that has been the only light in this
darkness. True, we did have a good working relationship, but not what
I would call a friendship.not till now. I guess she decided she could
talk to me about things when I didn't toss her butt in the brig for
the little stun she pulled on the planet with the Bentar pilot.in
fact I didn't make any official record of the matter, didn't see the
point; so after that she and I talked. Even stranger is to discover
that we have so much in common, including the need to help Chakotay.

The Doctor informed me this morning that the signal devices
were all installed, for I know that once B'Elanna made mention of
what she was planning to do, there were no end to volunteers to help
her. In fact, I wanted to help, but I didn't want to take away from
others, they too seem to have the need to help him.their loyalty.no,
their love for him is amazing.just like him. Now, if only we can get
him to leave the cabin, Tom says he won't do it. Not that he argues
with Tom, he just won't do it. Well, perhaps here, I can do something.
I only hope it's the right something.heaven knows I've done enough of
t he wrong thing.

End Log.

**********

Personal Log:

I can't believe what the crew has done to help Tay.
its incredible! I had a hell of a time to get Tay to leave the cabin,
he simply didn't want too, and I was almost glad for that would mean
a fight.and that would mean.his spark was back; sadly he simply gave
in. though I think it was after I told him he would need to be able
to get around since I was going to be back on shift soon.I didn't
mean to be so blunt about it, but it was the truth and he needed to
know.

It's fascinating, to quote our local Vulcan, but Tay's eyes,
though unfocused, are still the most expressive eyes I've ever seen.
Though when I told him I was going back to work soon, I didn't like
what I saw.sheer panic. I reassured him that it was only partial
shift, but he had to know.had to accept that I would be going back to
work.that I needed to work. Perhaps I was wrong, perhaps deep down he
hasn't given up.for he could have still simply refused or cried and
begged me not too, but he accepted the fact and we were off to talk
with the Doc so Chakotay could be trained in using the signals to
maneuver Voyager. In fact, the more I think about it, I was wrong,
for that though scares the hell out of me, and I can see; I can't
imagine what Tay is thinking.

Right now he's with the Doc, and with his mobile emitter, is
training Chakotay to maneuver the halls. I wanted to do it, but I can
see the Doc's point, if I want to break Tay's dependence of me, now
is as good a time as any. I'm scared for him, but I am suddenly aware
of how proud I am of him. This will be day four, and the Doc is
impressed with Chakotay's progress, that he thinks that if Chakotay
passes his test today, he'll be cleared to move about Voyager freely.
ah so much has changed for the better, I hope it continues to do so.

One of the reasons is that it seems that my thoughts about
him not taking a spirit walk were correct, for a couple of days ago I
mentioned it to him and after some time he admitted that he had not
done so. It was then that I asked him why and.and he told me what
happened on the planet and why he blamed himself. I watched him cry
as he admitted that he knew that I loved him and how it frighten him,
not simply because I was a man, but because he was having feelings
for me too, and he didn't and still doesn't know what to do about
them. That I deserve someone as wonderful as I have been to him to be
with, not someone who couldn't even be grateful for the blessings in
his own life.

I hugged him tightly, nor longer afraid of him knowing, since
I already felt he did, and told him he was right, I did and do love
him, and that I could never do better than him, for he was my heart.
We both cried some, for I knew, he was not able to return my
feelings, but I knew he cared for me.not just needed me for he was
afraid, but he truly cared for me. As he said, it may not always be
enough, but it is for now, for I can't imagine my life without him in
it or waking up without him in my arms. *happy sigh* At least I can
hold him, not only at night, but he'll snuggle up to me when we sit
and talk now, it's great. Sure I still desire him, but to have his
trust is not something I'm taking lightly, and it's become clear that
his need of me is because he does trust me.it's as close to love as
he may come, but it still feels pretty damn good. To top it off, he
offered to share his beliefs.if I wanted to know them; of course I
said yes.

It was incredible, I never such a place existed, and to think
Tay visited this spirit plane all the time.? I don't think I was too
surprised to discover my guide was a bird.a Hawk in fact, but, to
realize that it is not only the type of creature that is a part of us
but the nature.that surprised me. Hawks are hunters.and survivors.and
though I consider myself a survivor I never considered myself a
hunter.but thinking about my actions with Tay.perhaps I can. It did
prompt me to do a bit of research on Hawks, and kind of giggled when
I found out that once they chose a mate.that's it.done.fanito. I
could see this about me, for I have chosen Chakotay, and even if
things don't work out.there could never be anyone else.not for me.

That's the door, it sounds like Chakotay and the Doc, got to
go. I hope it went well for I'm back on shift tomorrow.

End Log.

*********

Personal Log:

This is probably the first time I've been alone for
more than four hours and I have to admit.I'm scared. Tom has gone
back to work full time and I am glad for him, but I still don't have
to like it. Sure, I can walk around the cabin without error, and with
the sound system they have installed, I can walk the halls of
Voyager, so long as they are working and there is no red alert, for
the klaxon would drown the tiny signals out; not that anyone
mentioned that.I just don't think they thought about it.they just
wanted me out an about.to ease their own sense of guilt.

I tried to tell them that they had nothing to feel bad about,
that this was all my own fault.but as usual, you can not tell people
how to feel. But I know this happened because I angered the spirits,
tossing their blessing back into their faces.even if I didn't mean to
do it, for that was what I did.

I had done a lot of prayer of forgiveness, but didn't dare
return to the spirit plane, more of fear of being rejected or rebuked
some more. But when Tom brought up the subjected, and we started
talking, I could finally see.inside, that Tom was so much more than a
sweet face and good heart, that he had his own brand of wisdom and
streanght to offer, and this too had I denied. Though I was scared
I'd hurt him by the truth, I could do no less but give him all of it.
Once again he amazed me with his depth of understanding and forgiving
heart, and when he held me and told me he loved me, and that he found
me worthy of his love, it was humbling. I do not know if I can ever
give him what he deserves, but I know I will honestly try.no lies.I
value him too much to do that to him.

Now when we sit and talk, I find a sense of peace in his
arms, the same sense of peace that I have found in presences. I can
not deny.he makes me feel safe, strong.and loved. I think that
perhaps on some level I do love Tom, I just can't.. *sigh* but, I
will not dwell in such things. If I have learned anything, a blessing
is to be cherished, not dissected till it makes sense. As my Father
has said, the spirits know what they are doing.trust in them.so this
time I will.

I showed Tom his spirit guide and how to meditate, and now he
does it with me, and it feels good to have his presence, for before I
would have insisted to be alone, but not having Tom around is alone.
and I do not wish it anymore.

Well, that's all I have to say for the moment, and since Tom
won't be back for another four hours, and I don't feel like walking
the labyrinth, that's how it feels.Voyager's halls.I'm going to
meditate, it's getting close to the time and I still don't have a
name picked out for her.well a first name.her last name is Paris,
like her daddy.

End Log.

*********

"Hey, Hon!"

"Hey yourself, how did shift go?"

Tom smiled seeing his husband looking not only healthy, but
at peace as he sat in the chair Tom made for him, so he could
meditate. "It went great, did I disturb you?"

"No, I meditated a while ago, but I have to admit, this is
the most comfortable chair in the place, I didn't want to leave it,"
Chakotay chuckled, as he gently reached out toward where he could
sense Tom was standing, and took his hand and accepted the hug
warmly.

"Did your check up with the Doc go okay?" Tom asked as he
stepped into the bedroom, now holding a single queen-size bed, and
started to change from his uniform.

Chakotay was gently placing back the items in his medicine
bundle, his unfocused dark eyes still shining at hearing Tom's
enthusiastic voice.//Shift went very well,// he thought warmly. He
gave a chuckle, "As if you didn't check up on me," he teased.

Tom looked a tad guilty, "Well, I admit I checked to make
sure you went and got there safely..?"

"Its okay, Tom. I would be mad if you didn't," he replied
warmly, standing up with a lot of effort and the hand pulls Tom
placed above the chair so Chakotay could get in and out himself. Then
slowly Chakotay maneuvered the room to the draw by the wall and
placed his bundle away then moved to the doorway. "I was wondering.do
you feel up to going to Sardines?"

Tom stopped in mid dress and stared at the man in the doorway.
was this his Chakotay.asking to go out?  "You.want to go out?"

Chakotay smiled, "I admit, I have not felt like being around
people lately, but.I can't hide in here forever, and I know you won't
go out, because you'll feel guilty about leaving me here alone.and I
know Harry misses you as you do him.so yes. I'd like to go out. Who
knows I might even beat you in a game of pool?"

Tom laughed, a warm and hardy laugh, not because of the joke,
but because he could see.the spark was back.his Tay was back. "Yes,
yes I would love to go out. But I must tell you, you are not going
out dressed like that?" he teased.

"What doesn't strips and plaids go together anymore?"
Chakotay laughed, not even close to describing the clothes he was
wearing. Tom had taken extreme care to set up his cloth with makers,
uniform sets, slacks, by color, shirts long, short, also by color and
other stuff. So the fact that Chakotay wore a pair of tan shorts and
a white tank top was probably no accident.

Tom chuckled, "Not in this life time. But seriously, no
husband of mine is going out looking like a beach bum," he smiled as
he walked to Tay's closet and started gathering a nice outfit for him
to wear.

"Oh, aren't we getting a bit possessive," Chakotay teased as
he moved toward his husband's voice and scent. He didn't want to tell
Tom that he smelled, not that it was a bad smell, it was quite nice,
he just didn't want to give away his little trick on locating the
young man.it seemed to frazzled Tom and for some reason he liked
frazzled.

Tom jumped as he felt strong arms wrap around his chest and
then felt a hug from Tay behind him. A part of him wanted to turn
into that hug and make more of it, but he would never make more of
what he was offered, so he simply laughed and leaned back into the
hug. "Come one, let's get you dressed."

"I can dress myself, thank you," Chakotay chided lightly as
he reached out for the clothes in Tom's hand and took them to the
bathroom.

"Hey, how do you know if what I gave you matches?" Tom
teased.

"I don't, but if they don't match, no one's going to blame
me, now are they?" he smirked and closed the bathroom door to change.

Tom closed his eyes and leaned against the wall, and hugged
himself.//this is good.this is very good!// he smiled to himself.his
Tay was back!

**********

The volume in Sardines dropped as the couple entered
inside. "Ah, come on, I'm sure you people have I've snagged the best
looking man on the ship by now?" Tom teased to keep the mood light.

"Oh, I thought I did that," Chakotay teased back as the noise
level started to get back to normal.

There were many who where glad to see Chakotay out and about,
including the Captain. "I don't know what he did to get you down
here, but I'm glad to see you," she smiled sincerely reaching out a
hand to Chakotay.

Chakotay reached out, the typical awkward joining of hands,
and then a sincere clasp, "I'm glad too," he replied
sincerely.  "Now, how about you buying me a drink, for I think my
husband has a few rations to win off some unlucky fools at pool," he
grinned. "I'm having this deep dark craving for Chocolate, chocolate
chunk walnut cookie and ice cream."

Janeway couldn't surpass a laugh at seeing Tom's eyes grow
wide, for something like that cost a lot of ration credits; but what
made it funnier was that she could tell that Chakotay was
teasing. //Good to see you back, my friend,// she thought, realizing
that was who she truly missed.her friend.Chakotay.

"Ah, Tay.I don't." Tom soon figured out he was being played
when he saw the suppressed laugh of the Captain and the smirk on
Chakotay's face. He laughed, "I get it, you just don't want me around
anymore, well I can take a hint," Tom replied in mock hurt.

Chakotay was tempted to continue the banter, but this good
mood was still too delicate to tamper with. "You know that's not
true, but I do know that you and Harry have not had any time together
and I want the Captain to catch me up on things.and I know how ship
talk boars you," he smiled. "So, go on, have fun.that's an order.
Lieutenant."

Tom's eyes glowed, "Yes, sir," he grinned and headed off to
play pool with Harry leaving Chakotay in the good hands of the
Captain, that before today he might have questioned, but she had
proven herself with time.
 

Janeway led Chakotay to a table and they both took a seat and
she ordered them both a drink. "You are looking much better,
Commander," she smiled.

"You're sounding better," Chakotay replied warmly. "Tom tells
me that you won't let Tuvok sit in the First Officer's chair. a bit
much don't you think?"

"Well, there is nothing he can't do from his station, plus,
your absence is only temporary, why let him get comfortable?"

"Ever the optimist," Chakotay replied. "Well, I guess only
time will tell, though we both know I can't do the job as XO blind,
so I've been thinking."

"You `will' be able to see after the baby is born," she
interrupted, her tone attempting to sound light, but it was filled
with heartfelt determination.

Chakotay reached out and found her hand on her drink and held
them, "I know that is what you believe, but you know me.us.we have to
be prepared for all kinds of contingences, that's how we've survived
the Delta, by being ready for the off chance of possibilities. This
is no different. If my blindness is too advanced to be fixed and the
other options are not feasible, then I want to transfer to medical."

"Medical?"

"Well, I know I haven't done it since the accident, but I am
the ships de facto councilor, why not pursue it full time. I'm sure
in between, I would also make a good advisor to her Majesty," he
teased.

"That's not funny," she retorted, pulling her hands away from
his.

"I was only teasing, Kathryn.I."

"No, I'm sorry. It's just that.I `was' acting like a Queen,
and had I been acting more like a Captain instead.?"

"Stop it, Kathryn. I myself have suffered the blame game, it
gets us know where. What matters is now.right now. I want my friend
back, Kathryn, and I want to make the most of what I have.now. Sure
there are things I would want to change.but I've come to realize that
they are not as many as I would have first thought."

Kathryn smiled, "You mean.Tom?"  She suppressed a chuckle,
seeing a slight blush on Chakotay's face. "You care for him, don't
you?"

Chakotay lowered his head, "Yes, but I still don't think." He
felt fingers on his chin as his head was raised.

"Don't think, Chakotay.feel. That was my mistake.don't make
it yours."

Chakotay nodded, "I'll try."

"Captain?" a warm voice called out. "Commander?" the same
voice said, now nervous.

Chakotay turned toward the voice and smiled, "B'Elanna, it's
good to hear from you.you never visited me, I thought I had tribble
infestation or something," he teased, trying to put her at ease and
let her know he was not made at her one bit.not anymore.

"I.um.I."

"Its okay, B'Elanna. Not that I think you need it, for you
were ill, but if it helps.I forgive you," Chakotay states, reaching
out to her, surprising her by his accuracy and gave her hand a gentle
squeeze.

"Thank you, Chakotay," he replied softly. Then she cleared
her throat, "I see you two have a lot to catch up on, I'll leave you."

"Nonsense," Chakotay replied, for Tom had told him that Harry
told him about the Captain and B'Elanna's blooming friendship, during
their lunches together, and by the smell of Kathryn's perfume, this
was a date or a hopeful prelude to one. "You two had plans, and
besides, Tom is still at the table and I have a surprise for him;
something the Doc and I have been working on," he grinned, the
mischievous spark full in his face.

"Well, in that case, no problem, but do you mind, I would
love to see what you have cooked up for our Lieutenant Paris,"
Janeway replied.

"Then let's be off to the pool table.shall we?" he grinned.
 

Chakotay, Janeway, and B'Elanna lingering in the back, for
Tom still had not forgiven her, nor would she push for it; though she
wanted it, arrived at the table as Harry lost to his friend.again.

"I should have known.even without a month to practice I can't
beat you," Harry replied with a good sportsman like attitude.

"Come now, Harry, it's not that hard," Chakotay stated
easily. "In fact, I could beat our Mr. Paris here at pool, and we all
know the table is not in my favor either."

Most of the people laughed, except those still uncomfortable
with the Commander's blindness, but if he felt comfortable enough to
make light of it, they would accept it. Tom just chuckled, "Tay, you
shouldn't tease Harry so, he just paid you're a quarter of your
cookies and ice cream." J

"Thank you, Harry. But Tom, who said I was teasing? I can
beat you, and I'm more than willing to put my money where my mouth
is, loser has to cook dinner for the winner.unless you're afraid to
go up against me.because of a little handicap?"

Tom shifted on his feet, he wasn't prepared for this, he
wasn't sure if Chakotay was trying to prove something and using him
or what, his eyes were gleaming, but he couldn't tell with what.he
didn't like this one bit. If he backed out, no on here but Tay would
be mad at him, but to make Tay happy, others would be upset.he
sighed. "If you really want to play.so be it," he said as lightly as
he could, his eyes not looking to happy.

Janeway stood by quietly, for had not Chakotay mentioned that
this was a set up, a joke, she would have intervened, as it was, she
was wondering if this might not be such a good idea after all, Tom
looked horrified. She watched
Tom set up the table, fidgeting the balls.

"I promise you, Tom, I won't embarrass you," Chakotay said
softly, letting his husband off the hook somewhat, for he could hear
and feel Tom's nerves and concern. His words helped a little.

"You want me to break?" Tom asked, still not liking this.

"No, just line up the white ball, if you please, and by the
way, could you describe the lay out, by color and number, from in
front of the white ball to the back.left to right, if you don't
mind?"

Tom shrugged as he placed the white ball, and did as Chakotay
asked, "Here's your cue stick," Tom offered.

"Just stand me in front of the table," Chakotay said as he
took the stick.

"Okay," Tom said, feeling the tension and the looks he was
getting. "You want me to line up your shot?"

"No, in fact, here," he said offering Tom back the cue
stick, "I won't be needing this," he smiled with a mischievous grin.
Then he turned toward the table and concentrated. To those who only
heard of Chakotay's new development, gasped, and those who knew.also
gasped. Chakotay started to move the white ball, slowly at first,
never leaving the spot, just shaking, then..it rolled forward hard
and hit the balls, sending five into a pocket. "What went in first,
solid, strip and what numbers?" he asked.

Tom stood stunned, and then he grinned, he was set up and
royally. "So this is what you and the doc have been doing," he
laughed as others applauded. Tom did as he was asked, gave Chakotay
the read off, and what numbers had been placed into the pocket. "Do
you want to know what the set up is?"

Chakotay laughed, "I never said I'd beat you fair, now did
I?" he laughed. He then concentrated once more on the table, and in
order by number the strips rolled all over the table till they landed
in a pocket with a *plunk* and then the next one, till all but the
eight remained.then it too *plunked* in the pocket.

Tom hugged Chakotay, "You do know that was illegal as hell,"
he teased.

"True, but I don't like to cook," he chucked back, then he
whispered, "The Doc said I should find a way to let the crew see,
sorry."

Tom took the heartfelt apology, "Its okay, but next time,
include me, okay?"

"You got it. Now, if you don't mind, I'd like to go home and
get some rest, that makes me tired," he said stifling a yawn.

"I'll walk you."

"No, you need to stay, have fun, and win desert," he teased.
Then he bid everyone good night and slowly, but surly made his way
out of Sardines and back to his quarters.

"Wow," Harry said from behind Tom.

Tom grinned, glowing with pride. "Tell me about it," he
sighed with happiness. Then he turned to face the crowd, "Okay, the
man has a very expensive craving, so who want to help out and offer
themselves up to the slaughter," he teased.

"I will, if you.like?"

Tom saw it was B'Elanna, she was reaching out, and after what
he witnessed today, how could he be anything but forgiving. "Sure,
the ration credits are more sweet when the come from a friend," he
smiled, letting her know, she was forgiven.

Tom would find it a sweet night indeed, for many were willing
to `offer up' for the Commander, which Tom had no doubt.

***********

It was good to walk his spirit plain, the place seemed more
alive than before, and he knew why.he had accepted his blessings and
he bloomed under their care. He had seen his Father once more and
made peace, but since then have only seen his wolf, the one who has
guided him over the many years. Today she led him to a beautiful
meadow, and it was filled with colors and flowers and all kinds of
creatures, including the rare butterfly.

He walked leisurely among the flowers, enjoying their scents,
and the sight, for he could not see this in the real world, and was
even more grateful for this place. He then felt a tiny tickle by his
ear, and out of the corner of his eye he could tell it was the most
beautiful butterfly he had ever seen and it landed on his ear.it
whispered something to him.

He snapped his head up, his face grinning ear to ear. //She
finally told me!// he thought, now knowing the name of his
daughter. "I've got to tell Tom," he said out loud, thrilled beyond
belief. "Computer time?"

<Time is 11:43 and 40 seconds.>

"Lunch.I'll tell him then," he grinned, as he placed his
stuff away, then stood up to place it back, when suddenly the ship
rocked violently, he went falling, catching the corner of the sofa
and bracing himself. The alarm klaxon sounded, and by the violent
movement of the ship, they were being attacked. Being almost seven
months along, he knew where he belonged, they had discussed
it. "Computer, medical beam out to sickbay," he ordered.nothing
happened as the ship lurched violently again.

He shifted around to the sofa and lay down, it was the next
safest place he could think of, for the Computer was either down or
placed on a narrow focus. The ship continued to shake violently and
he could feel Tom dancing Voyager, especially when the inertia
dampers failed.then he really could feel it. Then the movements
changed.not as graceful, things became iritic, and that feeling.
something was wrong. "Chakotay to bridge," nothing.

He had lived too long in the Delta learning to listen to his
gut, now was not the time to ignore it. It was hard, but he managed
to get up and to his door and into the hall. The klaxon was still
sounding so he couldn't hear the signals, but he knew the way to the
turbolift. As quickly as he could he made his way to the lift and
entered. He could feel the power in the panel and so entered the code
for the bridge since the computer was off line and felt it going up.
When the door opened, his senses were hit with the smell of burring
metal and rubber and flesh, and smoke.the bridge had been hit.

"Commander, you don't belong here!" Harry cried out.

"Cut the damn klaxon and tell me what the hell is wrong?" he
shouted back.

Soon the klaxon was off, but the crackling of fire was still
heard, and smoke still filled the air. "We took a direct hit, sir."
Harry stared, but stalled when Chakotay raised a hand to stall him.

Chakotay thought quickly, Kathryn, Tuvok.and..heavens no.
Tom! //No time.// his mind whirled. "Did you get them to sickbay," he
asked as he moved forward to where he knew the bridge chairs were,
unaware that he could see as well as just about anyone else, fore the
lights were out.

"Yes.but." Harry started.

"Update!" he ordered. "Who's flying?" he called out. "Jerry?"

"Yes, sir," Betahart replied, his voice pained.

"No offense, sir.but how can you help, your blind?" Harry
asked, he too was injured, and he didn't know if Chakotay had a clue
to the hellish mess he just walked into. All the senior staff except
him were in sickbay, half the consoles fried, no lights and a gaping
whole in the ceiling, where only a force wall was keeping them alive;
thankfully no one was sucked out by the time it activated and that
the walls worked on a separate system.no, he had no clue.

"I guess we'll see, Ensign.now, update!"
 

TBC in Unwanted Undesirable Endings