“Blindsided”

 The Doctors office was the last place either of them wanted to be at the moment, for only days before he had given terrible news about Chakotay’s vision being permanently lost; but today there were here for other reasons…to save their relationship. 

 Between Tom and Chakotay, and having given the Doc prior permission to discuss their issues with Tuvok, they were sure he had the full picture and now sat, on edge internally, waiting for some advice on how to proceed to fix things. 

 “Well, talking together is most definitely a good idea, as is talking separately with Commander Tuvok, and I agree with his advice individually, which I will refrain from mentioning, that is up to you to share or not share. I would suggest at the moment that you continue to see Tuvok more so than me, for until the issue of the latent memory is addressed, I do not think it is wise to suggest any methods to produce a physical response between the two of you. In fact, I would suggest that you go back to separate beds and minimize your physical contact till both of you are ready to take the next step forward,” The EMH stated professionally. 

 “You’re kidding, right, Doc?” Tom asked, since he just told the Doc a little bit ago that neither of them wanted to go backwards. 

 “I’m sorry, Tom, but perhaps he’s right,” Chakotay replied instead of the EMH. “I don’t know how long this is going to take and it isn’t fair to you…to torture you this way. It was never my intention to do this to you…but…?” 

 Tom sat back in his chair looking defeated, “Okay,” he mumbled, obviously not happy about this development. 

 “I ‘am’ sorry,” Chakotay stated, reaching out and taking Tom’s hand. 

 “You should try to refrain from touching if at all…” the Doc started to say but a look of death from both Tom and Chakotay stopped him. “Or keep it to a minimum as I said before. To help I prescribe some extra water rations to ease you, Lieutenant. There are medical options, but I refrain from suggesting them, they tend to have side effects, and I would like to try non-medicated methods first.” 

 “Yeah, so would I,” Tom drawled, meaning he wanted to jump Chakotay and ease this mess, but he wouldn’t do that, especially knowing that there ‘was’ a problem. “Okay, Doc. We’ll give it a shot,” he breathed out, willing to at least give it a try. 

 “Good. I’ll see you both in two weeks; by then there should be some significant developments with your individual sessions. Of course, if you need me prior just contact me.” 

 “Very well,” both men stated and left together, hand in hand. 

 In the hall Tom waited till they were alone, “I’ll take care of the bed while you’re at Tuvok’s tonight,” he stated as he attempted to keep his voice even. 

 “I am sorry about this, Tom. For the record, I don’t like it either, I don’t sleep well without you, nor do I want to try,” he said, trying to give Tom a soft loving smile. “But I am causing you to suffer and I can’t bare that.” 

 Tom simply sighed, “It’s more me than you; I should have better control over my emotions. Perhaps what Tuvok said about more exercise will help and meditating, that may help too. And for the record, I think your worth it, Tay, so don’t go beating yourself up over this. What I have with you is more than I dreamed of, and if it takes us some effort to have more, than…as I said, you’re worth it.” 

 “Oh, Tom,” Chakotay said in a soft voice, turning to his husband and hugging him tightly, placing instinctively a soft kiss on his cheek, then his lips. For a brief moment there was a moment where the spark could ignite, but they separated just in time. “We should go,” he stated, “It wouldn’t look right for us to seen in the halls acting like a couple of teenagers,” he teased. 

 “No, it wouldn’t,” Tom agreed, knowing they were close to another blow out, him wanting and Chakotay also wanting but not able to express it…//yet// Tom told himself. Together they entered the turbolift.

****************

 Slowly things were getting into a routine with the aid of others on board Voyager. Samantha Wilderman helped a great deal as did little Naomi in payment she said for all the times Tom helped her out, when others were too scared senseless of a newborn. 

 So, she helped Chakotay and Tom develop a babysitting list and organize it, for in the next week Tom would be going back to work, and in another two, so would Chakotay. Ben Connors had been working with Tuvok to continue his training on what a First Officer’s duties were and how he would continue to help Chakotay do his job, being his aid decamp.  

 Sam also insisted that they have time for themselves, other wise they would go stir crazy and get on each others nerves, having been there, done that, and got the T-shirt, as Tom was known for saying.  Tonight was going to be one of those nights, but with Tuvok and Chakotay wanting to start on their ‘project’ of getting this memory dealt with, Tom had canceled with Sam and was now sitting home alone with AJ, and straitening up the place. 

 Because of Chakotay’s blindness, the place had to be extra clean, for it was too easy for him to step on things and trip. Plus, things had to be in certain places or he would never find them alone, and Tom was learning a lot about his spouse. He learned that it took a great deal for him to accept the fact that he would never be quiet as independent as he once was, and his dependency on Tom was more a matter of trust and love, than desire to accept his condition…for which Tom was grateful, for he never pictured Chakotay giving up on anything, this was no exception. 

 He was also learning that Chakotay was more than the XO of Voyager, and the Maquis Captain, he was good man that held a lot of streanght of heart, but it was clear that somewhere along the way that, that heart had been hurt, but how was not yet known. He would watch the subtle nuances of his husband slowly show the masks he had, just like Tom did, so others would not get too close or know how venerable he was. But he had seen inside, seen the insecurities, the emotions, and the heart long ago, and thus fell in love. Now, all he could think about was expressing that love…physically.

 He had just finished bathing AJ and feeding her, and now that she was dressed was back to sleeping, he continued on straitening up the living room when the door chimed. 

 “Enter.”

 He looked happy to see Harry come inside. “Harry, what brings you to my humble abode,” he smiled, glad for the visit. 

 “It’s been awhile, and I knew you had your hands full with your husband and daughter, but after almost three weeks, I though you could use some company, I see your already being affected,” he teased, pointing to the dusting Tom was doing. 

 “Ah, yes, well, I had Tay doing it, but for some reason, things went all over the place, the man has no delicate touch…for dusting,” Tom joked back. “How about a drink?” 

 “Sure, but I can’t stay too long, I just wanted to talk with you, see how things were going, then I’ve going to meet up with Greg and Geron in Sardines, they miss you too by the way.” 

 “So, in other words, your night has been blown too, because Tuvok is with Chakotay,” Tom replied as he handed Harry a drink.

 Harry laughed, “Yeah. You know, it’s been quite awhile and I still don’t think anyone has figured it out, about us…me and him.” 

 “Oh, some people know, and no, I didn’t tell them,” Tom commented warmly getting a drink of juice for himself. 

 “Like who?”

 “Well, I would suspect the Captain, and I would bet Tay does, though he hasn’t said anything, not because he doesn’t think I know, he might think I’m not suppose to tell him…which I’m not. I would like to correct that, I don’t like keeping things from him, you know.” 

 “I know, and if you really think he knows, then fine, but no one else, Tuvok wants to keep it low key, and with him being…well…”

 Tom saw the pain in his friend’s eyes, he was involved with a married man, even if Tuvok might not see his wife again, she still existed, but with Pon Farr a real issue and their mutual attraction, they still had gotten into a relationship. Only on one level was Tom jealous, and that was at least Harry could touch the man he loved, but where he could not, at least he could be open about it, and had a family too.  “It’s all right, Harry, I do understand, and I’m sure he knows and won’t be judgmental either, he knows the score out here,” Tom reassured his friend. 

 “Thanks, Tom. Well, I got to go, see you later. Hey, how about tomorrow or the next day, we make a pool date, what do you think?”

 “Your on, Harry, but can you afford me?” Tom teased. 

 “Hey, I’ve been practicing, and you’re out of touch…dad. Call me later and we’ll set up a time,” Harry said as he placed his glass in the replicator and headed to the door. “Oh, the Delaney sisters asked me to give you a message, it didn’t make much sense but they said you would know what it meant; The door is open…what does that mean?”

 Tom quickly placed his cocky flyboy mask in place, “It means their being brats as usual, I’ll catch you later, I have a home to keep up,” he smirked, and watched Harry leave, his mask fell. //Damn them!// he sighed. The door is open was their ‘signal’ that Tom could visit them for a little romp when ever he was in the mood, they obviously were more than interested in something than teasing him at the bar the other night. 

 Tom placed his stuff away and sat on the couch, for he felt the temptation in his groin and his body. It had been months almost a year since he had sex with anyone and living with the King of Temptation, was not helping any. The sex with the sisters was always great, but it was just sex. //That would be cheating and you know it,// he chided himself, for even considering it. //But maybe Tay would understand, take the edge off of things…?// //Oh, sure and you can breath vacuum…he wouldn’t understand, don’t let his I’m all together persona fool you, you know how possessive he is and how insecure. If you did this, it would set him off and you can kiss this relationship goodbye.//  

 Tom got up and paced the room, //Your right,// he told himself, but the fact that the temptation was still there didn’t help. He checked, the Doc made good, he could have a cold shower, and boy was he going to need it. In fact, he couldn’t remember the last hot shower he had, as he moved into the bathroom to ease the tension. 

*************

<Bury him> 
<He’s a minor> 
<Oh, yes…yes, don’t stop…don’t…>
<What do we do with him?>
<Bury him>
<No…no, I don’t want to…stop, get away from me!>
<Bury him> 
<Mine>
<No! Please, no!> 
<He’s a minor> 
<Bury him>
<Don’t touch me!>
<Touch me…please, touch me>
<Stop it, please stop it!>
<Bury Him> 
<Get out…get out of my head…get out of…>

//Get out of my HEAD!// 

Tuvok broke the connection and leaned back, letting the Commander rest, they had achieved removing a layer, and the information was confusing, but it did make suggestions that were logical, though it also made things more puzzling. He waited till Chakotay gathered his thoughts. “I would agree; that is enough for today.”

 “I…I just couldn’t take anymore, and I knew I would react poorly if you continued,” Chakotay replied, still calming himself. 

 “Did any of what you heard make any sense, can you discuss it with me?” 

 “Voices, several voices, all male, but I couldn’t make out who was who or recall them either, sorry.” 

 “Don’t be sorry, Commander, we are dealing with a highly placed block, and any step forward is progress and we have made some. I would recommend that you meditate on this as will I and we will precede with this some more in a few days.” 

 “Okay.”

 “Commander, a thought if I may; from what little I have heard and other encounters I have had over the years with, latent memories, I can suggest that perhaps…” 

 “Perhaps what? What did it sound like to you?”

 “That you were victimized, Commander. Though as I said…” 

 “Bull shit!” Chakotay snapped, he sudden temper surprising the Vulcan. “I’m no victim.” 

 Tuvok wanted to point out that by the Commander’s out burst of denial it was evidence to the contrary but remained silent on that issue. “Of course, Commander, it is too soon to make any logical conclusion. As I said before I will meditate on this.” 

 “Good,” Chakotay stood up, and started to leave, still angry about the suggestion that someone assaulted him…as a child. //No, no it doesn’t feel that way,// he thought with anger, though he was also fueling his anger with the fact someone did this to him in the first place.  He got to the door, “I’ll talk with you later,” he stated and then exited. 

 He headed back to the quarters and entered, it didn’t help that Tom had loud music playing, even if it was a habit  of Tom’s to hold AJ and dance with her, the noise was distracting. “Computer end playback,” he growled.

 Tom, holding AJ, looked at Tay as he stormed in, looking anything but at ease from his session, “What happened?” he asked with concern. 

 “I don’t want to talk about it,” he growled, moving to the replicator and ordered a drink, synthahol. He took his drink and gulped some of it down, then moved to where he thought a table was and started to place it down and before Tom could speak up it went crashing to the ground. “Damn it, Tom!” he snarled. “Why do you have to go around moving things!” he snapped. 

 “I didn’t move anything, it was an accident…” Tom tried to say, but Chakotay’s loud voice startled AJ and she was wailing. “Shh,” was saying as he rocked her. 

 Chakotay had started forward in reaction to his daughters need, but he stepped on the glass on the floor and went sprawling backwards on to the floor, hitting his head on the wall. “Fuck!” he shouted. 

 Tom just had enough time to curl his body around AJ as all hell broke lose, all the little items on the table and shelves, and half of the heavier things when flying all over the place, some hitting him in the back. “Fuck, Tay you’re going to kill her!” Tom shouted back, also angry, though more out of fear, “You got to control that shit,” he added, some pain in his voice as he stormed out of the room in need to care for AJ who was even more scared.  

 Anger, fear, confusion, and now guilt filled Chakotay. All he could do for a moment was sit on the floor, his face in his hands, resting on his knees. //Fucking waste of space,// he shouted mentally to himself about himself. He couldn’t think much more, his emotions were suddenly too raw…to think would be to admit he almost hurt AJ, that he did hurt Tom, all because of his stupid temper and some fucking ‘ability’ he couldn’t control and was the cause of his lost sight. 

 After sitting there for a little while, he heard Tom come back into the room, “I’m sorry, Tom,” he stated in a whispered voice. 

 “Me too,” Tom replied as he knelt down next to Tay. “AJ is fine, just scared. But really, Tay, you really have to find away to control that, or at least get a better idea at what triggers it. I knew pain did, so I was able to react…”

 “I’m a walking time bomb,” Chakotay replied miserably. 

 “No, you’re a walking man with new abilities that you need to get under control. Also, what happened to put you on edge like this?” 

 “I…I don’t want to talk about it now, Tom. Let’s just say the session was not a good one.” 

 “Tuvok went flying again?” Tom asked, trying to lighten the mood, but his words didn’t reach Chakotay.  

 Chakotay used the wall and got up, “No, he didn’t. I’m sorry, Tom, I’m lousy company right now. If you don’t mind, I’m going to bed,” he stated, almost pushing past Tom. 

 “Tay we really should talk about this,” Tom insisted. 

 “Tom…there is nothing to talk about. I fucked up, my mind is fucked up, I almost fucked you and AJ up, what more is there,” he growled, still angry, but more at himself. “Please Tom, just go get some air, I need some too. I can keep an eye on AJ.”

 “No, I can…”

 “What now you don’t trust me with my own daughter?” he snapped.

 “No, it’s not that.”

 “Then just give me some space, I can handle it.” 

 Tom saw that Tay was in one of his I’ll make up for it by being over dependable modes. “Okay, if you insist,” Tom replied. “I’ll meet up with Harry in Sardines,” he stated, though he wasn’t sure if that was where he would be going. He didn’t like this situation or this side of Chakotay at the moment. 

 “Fine,” Chakotay stated and went into the bed room. “Did you get the two beds?”

 “Yeah,” Tom replied, feeling angry at being almost told to get out. 

 “Good.” Chakotay said as the doors closed. 

 //Good,// Tom’s mind mocked. His emotions were fueled again as he stormed out of their quarters and headed to Sardines. He needed a drink. 

*********

 He played a few games of pool with Harry and Greg and Geron, but he was still no where near calm enough to go back and talk with Chakotay. He was still angry and hurt and very little of it made sense to him. He now was sitting at the bar, sipping his fifth beer…real beer at that. 

 “Hey Tommy,” Megan Delaney said as she took the seat next to him, brushing up against him as she did so. 

 “Hey Tommy,” Jenny replied doing the same but on Tom’s other side. “Did you get our message?” 

 Tom continued to look in his beer, “Ah, yes,” he mumbled trying to ignore the two very attractive twins. 

 “It still seems like you are in need of that open door policy,” Jenny said, as she stood up, leaning over Tom to get some pretzels, letting her breast brush Tom’s shoulder, then while leaning back, whipped her tongue out along his ear. “You know where to find us if you change your mind.” She whispered and then moved away. 

 Megan leaned across Tom, placing a soft kiss on his cheek, “That goes double for me,” she whispers, letting her fingers brush against his hardening erection. “Seems you agree too,” she purred and then left following her sister. 

 Tom continued to sit there, not moving, he was hard, he was horny as hell and angry and drunk…a bad combination. //They want me, he doesn’t// his mind snapped. //You know what will happen if he finds out?// //Then he won’t find out!// Tom’s mind retorted, even before he was aware that he was up and out of his seat, heading out the door. //It’ll make ‘me’ feel better.// //But what about…// //Fuck him! In fact if I could fuck him there wouldn’t be this problem…so forget it. I’ve been thinking about him…as Tuvok said, when do I admit I need a little TLC?// //All right, but don’t say I didn’t warn you// “Shut up” Tom growled to himself as he entered the turbolift calling out the Delaney sisters deck 

 He exited on their deck and started heading to their cabin, glad that no one was in the hall, it would make keeping this quiet all that much easier, and it was getting harder to walk, he was so hard. He rounded the corner, when suddenly from behind a strong hand cupped his mouth, as an arm grabbed him, pulling him off balance…then darkness. 

TBC in Faith in Shadows