Part 4 (Final Part)
Rating for this part: PG-13
The Doctor said I should record my thoughts in my log. I suppose it will help keep my thoughts straight. I just hope that he doesn’t go and read it. I know he has the authorization but I’d rather not have him reading this; he knows too much already. Long pause before continuing. The last two days have been a blur. I remember [aggravated sigh] I remember thing that I would rather have forgotten. Memories of my childhood and….my father keep returning. My time on Hiracus with Charlie. He didn’t really do anything but that bastard and his cronies scared the shit out of me. I’ve had a couple of flashbacks to Auckland and Caldik Prime. Auckland wasn’t so bad except for the occasional beatings, but those I was expecting somewhat. Caldik Prime……sometimes I wish I could forget that, but I’d rather not. Caldik Prime was my biggest mistake. Not lying about it, but the fact that I took three lives, three friends.
I wake up from those dreams and I don’t feel scared but intensely saddened. I wish I could bring them back but I can’t and no matter what I do nothing will change that. I don’t want to forget them or what happened but I don’t want to relive that moment every night in my dreams. I know this probably sounds stupid but every time I have a hallucination of a dream I’m afraid that I won’t wake up from it. Half the time I actually believe that I’m seven and on Hiracus or that I’m back at Caldik Prime! I almost always rely on somebody else to bring me back to the present and every time it gets harder to come back. I don’t want to relive my life! Nobody else may understand and I hope that they never do.
In sickbay the Doctor was on the verge of a discovery. One of the compound that he was working with partially neutralized the hallucinogenic agent and another one that he had found would relieve the intensity of the fever if not cure it. He commed Tom and told him to report to Sickbay. It was best that they start treatment as soon as possible. Tom’s physical health was deteriorating but more worrisome was his mental health. The Doctor probably knew more about Tom than anybody else on the ship. What most people do not know is that the body itself is the best medical file there is. Every break and scrape is recorded somewhere and all it takes was a good doctor to be able to find and interpret them. And the Doc was an excellent Doctor.
The doors to sickbay opened and Tom
walked in and sat himself on a biobed without a word. The Doctor
ran a tricorder over him to check Tom’s latest condition. There wasn’t
much of a change his temperature was still far to high, blood pressure
far too high, erratic brain patterns in the area of his memories and it
looked like Tom wasn’t eating enough. The doc put the tricorder away
and refrained from giving Tom a lecture on his eating habits and taking
care of himself. He’d probably given that lecture to the man on the
biobed so many times that he could probably recite it from memory.
Late the next day. Tom was
sitting up on his biobed where he had stayed most of yesterday and through
the night. He was reading a data pad while the Doctor looked over
the results from the last scan that he had run.
“He did well on the holodeck simulations.”
Janeway said. She was in Sickbay with the Doctor discussing Tom’s
return to duty. Tom had taken simulator test and had passed.
He didn’t do as well as he had been before but he’s been sick.
In her ready room Captain Janeway
called for the person to enter. Tom Paris strode in.
For the next little while Tom was ordered to see Chakotay, the unofficial ships’ councillor. Nothing ever happened in the sessions though. Oh, sure they talked, but never about anything important. Tom always jumped around the issues and never answered any questions. As the sessions wore on Tom became better and better at diverting questions. He was more his old self than ever and was giving Chakotay a sample of what he had given Harry and B’Elanna the morning of the ill-fated mission that started this whole mess. It seemed like Tom Paris was back to his old self.
Not long after Tom was put back on full duty. The toxins in his blood stream had been neutralized thanks to the Doctor and he was in perfect health, physically. Despite Harry and B’Elanna’s questions he would still never talk about his past, whether it be about the kidnapping, his father, or his time in Auckland-those topics where off limits.
“No!” his own strangled cry woke him from sleep. A thin film of sweat covered his body and his sheets where twisted in his limbs. Several shaky breaths later he got up and went to his washroom. Splashing dome water on his face to wake him up he looked back into the bedroom at his chronometer. 0513 was the time it displayed. About five hours of sleep he thought to himself. Back to the status quo it seems.
He walked back to the bed and lay back down hoping that he’d be able to get a few more hours of sleep. Garbled images flashed through his mind every time he closed his eyes. He wouldn’t be getting anymore sleep tonight. He got up. “I’m never going to sleep again.” It was an idle threat but compared to what sleep brought it seemed like the lesser of two evils. He walked to the window of his quarters and watched the stars slip by. Everything was back to how it was before. He looked back at the bed briefly. Seventy-thousand light years away and not even here could he escape what haunted him.