This is just a little piece of fluff I wrote one night while I was in an incredibly silly mood and watching the show "Bzzz!" with my little sister. It was only my second or third time watching "Bzzz!", so, all of you "Bzzz!" fans, if this doesn’t exactly adhere to the exact structure of the show, please forgive my ignorance. This parody contains small amounts of J/C and K/K.
Also, this was written strictly for the purpose of having fun. If you are offended by any malice towards any of Voyager’s crew (such as Neelix-bashing) I offer my humble apologies.
This is my first time ever writing a parody, so please be kind with your comments! If you choose to comment, and I hope you will, please send them to me!! Thanks and enjoy!
This is dedicated to my little sister, Bethany, who is not a Trekker nor a computer geek like me :) but got me watching "Bzzz!" in the first place.
Voyager: Bzzz! (VOY: PARO: P/T and Q; PG-13 )
by JoAnna Walsvik
[A disembodied voice sounding suspiciously like Annie Wood from the game show "Bzzz!" booms across the room.]
"Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, Klingons and Romulans, and other beings of all classifications! This is Voyager Bzzz! And now, the host of Voyager Bzzz!, the great, the wonderful, the omnipotent Q!"
[Q, dressed in the uniform of a Starfleet admiral, appears on the stage in a flash of light amid wild cheers and applause.]
Q: "Thank you, thank you! Good evening and welcome to ‘Voyager Bzzz!’ with your handsome, intelligent, lovable, and humble host...me! And now, please welcome our first contestant. She’s the half-Klingon Chief Engineer aboard the starship Voyager, her hobbies are reading Klingon romances and beating the living hell out of people who annoy her; please give it up for Lieutenant B’Elanna Torres!"
[More loud screams and applause as B’Elanna, dressed in a rather revealing strapless mauve dress, walks onto the stage. Q meets her halfway and shakes her hand, leading her to a chair onstage.]
Q: "Welcome to Voyager Bzzz!, B’Elanna. Thank you for being on the show today."
B’Elanna: "Thank you, Q. It’s a pleasure to be here."
Q: "For our first-time viewers, let me explain how the show
works. Four guys will introduce themselves from behind the curtain. B’Elanna has the chance to reject one and question the other three one at a time. If she finds one she likes, she’ll ring the bell. If not, they’ll be buzzed and B’Elanna will go on to the next guy. She’ll have a time limit of two minutes and if she hasn’t found someone she likes, she’ll go out with the guy she initially rejected. Any questions, B’Elanna?"
B’Elanna: "None, Q."
Q: "Okay, then let’s get started! Contestant number one,
Harry Kim, please come on out!"
[From behind the curtain, the silhouette of the Harry appears.]
Harry Kim: "Hi, I’m Harry, and I’m looking for a nice girl to settle down and have a couple of kids with. My hobbies are the clarinet and programming holodecks. And it’s my first mission!"
Q: "Our next contestant goes by the name of Tuvok. Tuvok, come on out!"
[From behind the curtain, the silhouette of Tuvok appears.]
Tuvok: "My name is Lieutenant Tuvok. I am a Vulcan. I
believe that emotions are not logical. My hobbies include growing rare orchid hybrids and mind-melding. I currently am bonded to a woman on my homeworld and have four children with her."
Q: "Our next contestant is also Vulcan. Vorik, come on out!"
[From behind the curtain, the silhouette of Vorik appears.]
Vorik: "I am Ensign Vorik. I WANT A MATE!! I NEED A MATE!!
I WANT TO MATE WITH YOU AND I WILL KILL ANYONE WHO STANDS IN MY WAY!!"
Q: "Thank you, Vorik. And now for our last contestant, Tom Paris!"
[From behind the curtain, the silhouette of Tom appears.]
Tom: "Hi, my name’s Tom, and my hobbies include piloting, playing pool, and wooing lovely Klingon ladies. I also enjoy Klingon exercise programs and occasionally using a bat’leth."
Q: "Thank you, Tom! Now, B’Elanna, who do you want to reject?"
[B’Elanna looks thoughtful for a moment.] "Well, Q, I’d have to say...Tuvok."
Q: "Sorry, Tuvok, you’re gone!" [Tuvok sedately walks out from behind the screen, his face the picture of unconcern. He gives the Vulcan peace sign to B’Elanna and walks off the stage.] "Why’d you reject Tuvok, B’Elanna?"
B’Elanna: "Well, the whole ‘bonded to a woman on my homeworld’ thing kind of threw me off. And the ‘four children’ position wasn’t too appealing, either."
Q: "I see. Well, which contestant would you like to question first?"
B’Elanna: "Ummm...Harry Kim."
Q: "Harry, come on out!"
[Harry Kim runs out, smiling idiotically. He sits on the stool across from B’Elanna.]
Q: "Okay, you have two minutes....go!"
B’Elanna: "Hi, Harry. Tell me, what kind of a woman appeals to you?"
Harry: "Well, myself, I like the blonde-haired, blue-eyed, helpless innocent type. I’m also attracted to fledgling telepathic powers."
Q: "Sorry, Harry, you’re out of here!"
[Harry shrugs gamely and runs off stage.]
Q: "And what was wrong with Harry, B’Elanna?"
B’Elanna: [glaring at Q] "Well, Q, you’re an idiot if you don’t see why I buzzed him. I’m not blonde or blue-eyed, nor do I have fledgling telepathic powers."
Q: [his smile never changing] "Okay! Who do you want to see next?"
B’Elanna: "I’d like to talk to Tom Paris."
Q: "Tom! Come on out!"
[Tom saunters out to the stool, waving to the audience, where all of the women have begun to drool profusely.]
Q: "You have one minute and fifty seconds left, B’Elanna...go!"
B’Elanna: "Hi, Tom."
Tom: [letting out a long wolf whistle] "Well, hello, B’Elanna."
B’Elanna: "Tom, if you were trapped in a cavern with a half-Klingon woman, whom you’ve been wanting to date, and who is infected with the Klingon version of Pon Farr, would you take advantage of her and why or why not?"
Tom: "I’d have to say no, I wouldn’t take advantage of her, because as her friend it’d be my duty to look after her when her judgment’s been impaired. She’d also just hate me and herself the next day, and I’d value her friendship too much to do anything like that."
[B’Elanna grabs the bell and starts ringing it wildly. Tom leaps off of his stool and pulls her into his arms, kissing her and drawing raunchy catcalls and whistles from the audience.]
Q: "And we have a winner! But first, let’s take a look at the guy you didn’t meet: Vorik!"
[Vorik runs out, howling in anger and pulling his hair in frustration.]
Vorik: "NOOOOOOO!!!! I MUST MATE!!!! I MUST MATE!!!! AUGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!" [He runs off the stage, tearing his hair out and screaming wildly.]
Q: "Thank you, Vorik! Now let’s go on to the next part of our program." [He gives Tom and B’Elanna each a sign. On one side of the sign it says "Good time" and on the other side it says "Bad time".] "Okay, here’s what you do! I’ll give both of you a location or pastime and, while standing on opposite sides of the wall, you answer "Good time" or "Bad time". If you get all five answers right, you get thirty replicator rations! Are you ready?"
[Tom and B’Elanna go to each side of the wall and nod.]
Q: "Okay, the first pastime: Shore leave."
[They each answer "Good time". Wild applause from the audience ensues while Tom and B’Elanna cheer.]
Q: "Next pastime: Luau on the holodeck."
[Again, they both answer "Good time". More applause and cheering.]
Q: "All right! The third pastime: Romulan peace talks."
[Both answer "Bad time". Louder cheering and clapping from the audience.]
Q: "Two more to go! The fourth pastime: Double dating with Harry and Kes."
[Tom immediately holds up "Good time". B’Elanna hesitates slightly, then also holds up "Good time".]
Q: "Great job so far! If you answer the next pastime correctly, you’ll get thirty replicator rations each! The fifth pastime: Torturing Neelix until he screams and begs for mercy!"
[B’Elanna dons a huge smile and holds up "Good time". Tom laughs evilly and also holds up "Good time". Resounding cheers and wild applause from the audience blare through the stage and Tom and B’Elanna rush out into the each other’s arms and hug excitedly.]
Q: "Congratulations! Each of you will receive thirty replicator rations each! Now for our next contestant—"
[Suddenly, an ensign in a red shirt and flying a shuttlecraft zooms out onto the stage and hands Q a paper. Q reads the paper and instantly becomes furious.]
Q: "What???" [He looks at the shuttle and ensign angrily. Immediately, the shuttle blows up and the nameless redshirt is killed.]
B’Elanna: "There goes another shuttle."
Tom: "We’re gonna run out of ensigns, too."
Q: "It seems that our next contestant, Commander Chakotay, has already eloped with one of our other contestants, Captain Janeway. We’ll have to cut the show short and award Tom and B’Elanna the grand prize, an all-expenses-paid trip to the holodeck!"
B’Elanna: "The holodeck?"
Tom: "What kind of a prize is that?"
Q: "Ah, yes, but the program running will be ‘Insurrection Alpha’, specially rewritten to include a steamy love scene between the pilot and chief engineer and not include Seska’s tampering! Yes, Tom and B’Elanna will be locked in the holodeck until this very special program is comes to an end!"
[Tom and B’Elanna look at Q, then at each other, and then at Q again.]
Tom: "But what if we don’t want it to end?"
B’Elanna: "Can we reprogram it to last longer? Say, sixty years?"
Q: "Certainly! It’s your prize!"
[Before he finishes his sentence, Tom and B’Elanna are running off of the stage together.]
Q: "Another satisfied couple. Thank you and please join me next time for Voyager Bzzz!"
[Q disappears in a flash of light and the ending credits roll.]
Disclaimer: The Star Trek universe and everything included in it is the sole property of: [drumroll please] Paramount. They created ‘em, they showed ‘em, I merely play with ‘em. :D
Copyright 1997 by JoAnna Walsvik, all rights reserved and most of the lefts, too. :) Distribute and archive all you wish, but please keep my name and the disclaimer attached.