Disclaimer: Paramount owns the toys, I just play with them.
Any questions? I didn‘t think so.

Author‘s note: Uh...this story is kind of...weird. It‘s just a little piece of fluff I wrote after I got home from work, which is where I got the idea. (I work at a nursing home, so I honestly don‘t know where this came from!) Feedback, good or bad, can be sent to me at pt4ever@yahoo.com.

The Name Game—a dialogue only story
by JoAnna Walsvik

"Ow! Stop that!"

"Uh—B‘Elanna, is something wrong?"

"I think your daughter has decided to play jump rope with her umbilical cord. She‘s kicking kind of hard—ow!"

"My son, you mean."

"Whatever. Are you going to get something to eat?"

"I don‘t know. Does Neelix have something edible today?"

"Actually, this meatloaf‘s pretty good—at least, I think it‘s meatloaf. I could be wrong."

"I think I‘ll pass."

"Suit yourself. I couldn‘t get here fast enough after my shift.I was starving."

"You‘re always starving."

"Shut up, Paris. I‘m eating for two, remember?"

"The way you eat, it‘s more like six."

"Bite me, Helmboy."

"I will...tonight."

"Get that smirk off of your face. The way you tease me you‘re lucky I‘m letting you sleep in our quarters. I could make you sleep in Sickbay."

"Speaking of Sickbay, the Doc wants to know if we‘ve picked out names yet."

"What did you tell him?"

"Bertha or Elmer."

"Thomas Eugene Paris—"

"Well, actually, I told him we‘re still trying to decide."

"When are we going to decide?"

"Oh, we have plenty of time."

"Three months isn‘t that far away, you know. I think we should discuss it."

"Okay. Any ideas?"

"No, not really. How about you?"

"No...hey, Harry!"


"We‘re trying to think of names for the baby. Any suggestions?"

"Um...well, if it‘s a boy you could call him Harry."

"Nice try, Harry, but the thought of you as a role model for my son is frightening."

"Ha, ha. Very funny, Tom. Well, try a variation, then. Like

Harold, or Harris, or—"

"Seven of Nine to Ensign Kim. Please report to the Astrometrics Lab."

"On my way, Seven." pause "Gotta go. See you later."

"Bye, Harry—B‘Elanna, what‘s so funny?"

"Do you think he was serious? Harris Paris?"

snort "Yeah, and if it‘s a girl we could call her Maris. Then if we had twins we‘d have Harris and Maris Paris."

"Then Harry would have a daughter and call her Kim. Then there‘d be Harris Paris and Kim Kim."

"Hello, B‘Elanna! How‘s the little one?"

"Hi, Neelix. She‘s just fine, thanks."

"How‘s the pot roast?"

"Pot roast? Oh...it‘s, um, fine."

"Can I get you anything? More tea? A piece of fruit?"

"No, I‘m fine. Thanks anyway, though."

"If you need anything, just give me a call. I‘ll be in the kitchen."

"I will. Bye."

"B‘Elanna...what about Neelix?"

"What about him?"

"If he ever has kids, what do you think he‘d name them?"

"Oh, that‘s easy. He‘d have a girl and a boy, and name them Leola and Root."

"Ugh. If that happened we‘d never be able to insult leola root because we‘d hurt someone‘s feelings."

"Can you imagine if Seven ever had triplets? She‘d call them Eight, Nine, and Ten."

"B‘Elanna, I think you‘ve had a little too much pot roast."

chuckle "Oh, come on. Give me another person. This is kind of fun."


"He has four kids, and they all have weird Vulcan names. Someone else."

"The Doctor."

"Tom, he‘s a hologram."

"Hypothetically, then. If the Doc had kids, what would he name them?"

"He can‘t even pick a name for himself. What makes you think he‘d be able to name children?"

"True. Okay, here‘s a challenge: Captain Janeway."

"Captain Janeway...hmmm. Let‘s see...oh, I know. Jane Faye for a girl, and Kane Ray for a boy."

"Jane Faye and Kane Ray Janeway. Hey, that‘s great!"

"Actually, Mr. Paris, I‘ve always liked the name Elizabeth."


"Uh...Captain. Hi. We, um, didn‘t see you standing there."

cough "We‘re just...um..."

"Discussing names for my children, I see."

"Yeah...well...it‘s, um, -- "

"Tuvok to Janeway. Captain, could you come to the bridge?"

"On my way, Commander." pause "I‘ll talk to you two later."

"Whew...saved by the commbadge."

"I‘ll say...okay, give me someone else."

"B‘Elanna, aren‘t you tired of this yet?"


"Okay...I‘m gonna make this harder. How about...Chakotay."

"Chakotay...let‘s see." long pause "I think you‘ve stumped me. I have no idea."

"Why don‘t you ask him? He just walked in."

"Okay, I will. Chakotay!"

"B‘Elanna, I was just kiddi—"

"Yes, B‘Elanna, what can I do for you?"

"I have a question to ask you."

"Okay, shoot."

"Hypothetically, if you had a son, what would you name him?"


stunned silence

"Now, if you‘ll excuse me, I have to get to the bridge."

long pause

"You...don‘t think he was serious, do you, B‘Elanna?"

"Well, he looked serious."


"Um, B‘Elanna, if we have a boy..."

"No, Tom. Absolutely not."


"The Name Game" copyright 1998 by JoAnna Walsvik. Please don‘t archive or distribute without the author‘s permission. Thanks!