Disclaimer: Paramount/Viacom owns them all. I'm not profiting
in any way from this - it's just a little bit of fun.
Codes: C/P, All
Summary: Answer to Haggy's challenge.
It doesn't have to be a long piece and it can be any pairing,
but somewhere in that piece there must be the line.
"You want WHAT??"
"You want WHAT??"
The voice echoed around the mess hall. Conversations halted,
and forks, halfway to mouths, hesitated. All heads turned
towards the two figures seated at the end of the room.
Tom flushed scarlet, refusing to acknowledge the stares that
were leveled their way. "You heard me."
"I was hoping I'd misheard."
"Nope. You heard right."
"I see. Then the answer is no."
"No, Tom. I won't do it."
"There are some things I won't do... and that's one of them."
"Where's your adventurous spirit? Your desire to seek out new
challenges? Your craving for unusual experiences?"
"Hiding under the table. That's a challenge I'll never desire
and an experience I could well do without."
"No, Tom. I can't do it. I just can't."
Tom brought his fist down on the table with a thump. "It's not
like I'm asking you to serenade me, or strip off and run around
the room naked or something."
"You would have had more chance if you had."
"Yeah... right. I just don't see what the problem is."
"It's too soon. Far too soon. It can't be good for you doing
it this often. And I really don't understand why you're asking
me to do it. Why don't you ask Chell? You usually do."
"Don't you think I asked him first? He said you'd threatened to
space him if he touched me again."
"That's right, I did, didn't I? Who could blame me though?
I'll never forget the way you looked after he was finished with
you the last time. He went too far. And after that little
debacle I can't understand why you'd want one ever again."
"It's not a matter of wanting. I need it."
"Tom... you don't need it."
"Yes, I do."
"Well, you certainly don't look like you do."
"That's only because I took care of it this morning in the
"I wondered why you were taking so long."
"I couldn't get it to go down at all."
"It's down now."
"Well, it won't stay that way for very long."
"I'm sure it'll be fine."
"Chakotay! It's not going to be fine. The more we talk about
it, the more conscious of it I'm becoming. Do you actually want
me to walk around the ship with it sticking up?"
Chakotay almost choked on his coffee and took a few moments to
recover himself. "Tom, it's not sticking up. Believe me, I
would have noticed if it was."
"I didn't say it was now. It will be by lunchtime though. Why
don't we meet back in our quarters and you could do it then? It
won't take long. I'll have everything ready..."
"I said no, Tom. And I meant it. I'm not doing it."
"Fine. I'll find someone who will then."
"Over my dead body."
"That could be arranged."
"Tom, you are not going to go around the ship asking people to
do that for you. Spirits! Anything could happen. The risk
you'd be taking!"
"You can't stop me."
"I'll have a damn good try."
Tom sulked through the rest of breakfast and Chakotay gave up
trying to make him see sense. It was too soon, far too soon.
Tom would just have to wait a few weeks. He wouldn't allow
anyone else to touch him either, he decided.
He looked up in surprise as Tom suddenly stood up and hurried
over to Neelix, who was busy cleaning up in his little galley.
He watched Tom smile brightly at the little Talaxian, who
greeted him warmly in return. Chakotay sighed as Tom put his
arm around Neelix's shoulders and then began to talk earnestly.
Neelix's face drained of color. "You want WHAT??" he shrilled.
Chakotay shook his head as Tom turned on the charm, and then
nodded approvingly as Neelix began to shake his head in alarm.
"I couldn't. I couldn't," he kept saying loudly.
Deciding he'd better intervene before Tom managed to persuade
their morale officer to change his mind, Chakotay made his way
over to them quickly.
"Tom, leave him alone. He doesn't want to do it."
"It's not a matter of not wanting to, I just couldn't," Neelix
said hastily. "Just the thought of it has my hands shaking.
I really want to help you, Tom, you know I do... but... the
responsibility... oh my... oh my. I mean... I know I do it for
myself all the time, but doing it for someone else is different.
I couldn't bear it if something went wrong."
"Nothing would go wrong," Tom said quickly.
"It's all right, Neelix. You don't have to," Chakotay assured
him, frowning at Tom darkly.
"Damn it, Chakotay. Stay out of this."
"No. Last time I shut my mouth and said nothing, but not this
Neelix cleared his throat. "Tom, I'm sorry, I can't do it.
I'm very flattered that you would even ask me, that you would
trust me in that way, but I'm worried that I won't be able to
stop once I start."
"You'll be okay. I know you will."
"Tom, he said no. Leave him alone."
"Fine!" Tom snapped, taking his arm from around Neelix's
shoulders and glaring at Chakotay. "I'll get B'Elanna to do it.
She's done it before. I know she'll do it for me."
"I doubt it."
Tom's eyes glittered dangerously. "She told me she'd do it
anytime I asked." Sending one last filthy look Chakotay's way,
he raced from the room.
"I wish you luck," Chakotay called after him.
"Oh dear! I just can't believe he asked me to do that," Neelix
said shakily. "Me of all people. I didn't know what to say.
Where to look."
Chakotay patted his shoulder. "It's all right, Neelix. He's
desperate. I'd better warn B'Elanna."
B'Elanna stood with her hands on her hips waiting for Tom as he
entered engineering. "Forget it, Helmboy," she greeted him.
"Chakotay's already warned me, and the answer is no."
"What'd he do? Threaten to space you as well?"
"No, I happen to agree with him. It's too soon."
"It's not. I should know."
"What are you asking me for anyway? The last time I did it for
you, you said it was kinky."
"That's because it was."
"I couldn't help myself. How do you know I'd do it properly
"I'm willing to take the chance. I'm getting desperate."
"I'm sorry, Tom, but... no. Chakotay's spreading the word that
nobody's allowed to touch you."
"Hell!" Tom sped away.
It hit him as he stepped into the turbolift. The one person on
board whom Chakotay couldn't intimidate was the Captain. He
wasn't sure how she would react to his request, but it was
certainly worth a try. He was becoming more desperate by the
The Captain glanced up from her desk and watched Tom enter her
ready room. She waited, her concern mounting, as he shifted
from one foot to the other in front of her.
Tom cleared his throat and looked everywhere around the room,
avoiding her eye, before finally settling his gaze on the top of
"Captain, I have a problem."
She sat forward, waiting for him to continue.
"I was hoping you'd help me, but I understand perfectly if you
say no. I mean... I probably have a nerve asking you, all things
considered, and I don't even know if you'd be able to help me
anyway. I don't even know if you have any experience in this
kind of thing. It's just that Chakotay's warned everyone away."
"He says it's too soon since the last time."
"I see," she said with a frown. "You'd better tell me what the
Tom took a deep breath. "I need a..." He paused and gulped,
before trying again. "I want you to..." Gods, this was harder
than he'd thought. He couldn't ask the Captain. He just
Janeway stood up from her desk and came around to squeeze his
arm. "Go on, Tom. You can tell me. What is it you want?"
Tom took another deep breath and blurted it out.
"You want WHAT??"
Harry looked over at the ready room doors in surprise. The
Captain's shout had been clearly audible. He glanced over at
Tuvok, who was also watching the doors avidly, and them back to
his readings. He tried to concentrate.
Tom had gone in to see the Captain a few minutes ago. Surely he
wouldn't have asked her to do it for him? Would he? The
Captain's shout seemed to prove otherwise.
He sighed deeply. He'd help his friend out in a moment, despite
Chakotay's dire warnings, if he thought he was up to the task.
He doubted his ability, however, having had no opportunity to
practice on anyone.
He also agreed with the Commander, it was definitely too soon.
Tom had had his last one less than two weeks ago. What was the
matter with him anyway? No wonder Chakotay was worried. He
was right. Tom had developed some sort of fetish for the whole
It wasn't long before the ready room doors opened and Tom
stepped out, looking thoroughly miserable. He made his way over
to his friend and sighed dejectedly.
"I can't believe you went to the Captain," Harry hissed at him.
"She was my last hope."
"I take it she refused."
"She said she was going to get the Doc to check me over, because
she thinks there's something wrong with me."
"I'm not surprised. There are certain things you don't ask your
Captain to do, even stranded out here in the delta quadrant, and
that's one of them."
"What was I supposed to do? Chakotay's threatened everyone on
board, so now they're all too scared to touch me. Even you."
"He's worried about you, and quite frankly, I think he has a
reason to be. Can't you see that this isn't normal? You
haven't even lasted two weeks this time."
"Just because you can last for eight weeks or more doesn't mean
the rest of us can," Tom muttered.
"Of course you can. Anyway, I don't think it's good for you to
do it so often. You're losing it, Tom."
"It's fine, Harry."
"No, it isn't."
"Why won't you help me out? I'd do it for you in a second."
"But, Tom, you know I'm completely inexperienced at this type of
thing. Wait a few weeks and that'll give me some time to
practice on the holodecks."
"I can't wait a few weeks. I can feel it growing as we speak."
"You can?" Harry asked in alarm. "Here? Right now?"
"Yeah. That's why I need something done about it now. It's
going to start sticking out soon, and people will notice."
"No, they won't. And besides, everyone's stick out now and
then. You should see mine in the morning."
"Chakotay's never does."
"Never? Surely, first thing in the morning..."
Tom shook his head. "Nope. Not that I've ever seen anyway."
"Wow!" Harry exclaimed, his admiration evident. "I can never
get mine under control until after I've had my shower."
"Showers don't help me."
"They don't? Maybe it's something you're doing when you dry
off? Are you rough with the towel?"
"Not particularly. Just forget it. Since you won't help me,
there's no point in discussing it."
"I'm sorry, Tom, but I just can't."
Tom walked mournfully up to the turbolift, eyeing Tuvok out of
the corner of his eye.
"No, Mr. Paris. I can't help you either."
"Come on, Tuvok. I'll bet you've had plenty of experience.
A man with your many and varied talents would know what you were
"Yes, Mr. Paris, I believe I would, but I'm not comfortable with
the situation. The Commander is correct. It's far too soon."
"Damn it! I'll do it myself then. And, considering that I
haven't got eyes in the back of my head, the consequences are
yours if something goes wrong."
With that, Tom stormed off the bridge.
With a long-suffering sigh, Tuvok slapped his commbadge.
Chakotay raced into the quarters he shared with Tom and stopped
dead in the middle of the room.
"Tom, please put them down," he said gently. "You can't see
what you're doing back there. You may hurt yourself."
"A lot you'd care if I did," Tom sniffed. "You made sure no one
would help me."
"I didn't think you'd try and do it yourself. Please put the
"Not until I've finished."
"Tom, you do not need a haircut. Your hair's short enough as it
is. Too short actually. Chell's been getting carried away with
all of our haircuts lately, without you dong this."
"I have to keep my hair really short or otherwise the curls come
"What's wrong with curls? I happen to like curls."
"Why the hell didn't you tell me that sooner? And here I've
been getting my hair cut more and more often, trying to control
the damn things."
"Will you please hand me those scissors? I feel very nervous
about the way you're waving them around in the air."
"You don't have to worry. I won't be using them now. In fact,
it'll be a long time before I have another haircut."
"I'm glad to hear it, but when you do want one, please don't ask
me to do it for you."
"Coward," Tom teased.
"I admit it freely. I just couldn't cope with the pressure of
giving you a haircut."
Tom laughed good-naturedly, and placing the scissors down
carefully, went over to wrap himself in his lover's arms.
"I think you need to make this up to me, Chakotay."
"Oh? And how am I going to do that?"
"Well... let's just say that my hair isn't the only thing that
wants to stick up around here."
Chakotay smothered his laughter by burying his face into the
side of Tom's neck. "That's a very small problem I can easily
"Very small?" Tom huffed indignantly, maneuvering him backwards
until they reached the bed and then pushing him onto it. "We'll
soon see about that."