No Regrets - Part 8
by T'Pam

Please see part 1 for disclaimer, codes, summary, etc.


*Tom's POV*

Chakotay indicates a chair for me to sit in and I do. My legs
feel kind of weak.

Clearing his throat, he sits across from me. "There's no easy
way to say this, so I'll just say it. I know that you don't
remember what happened in the lift, and the Doctor has led you
to believe that you had an... um... embarrassing incident..."

I decide to get it out in the open. Attempting to hide my
embarrassment with a careless shrug, I stare at a point behind
his head. "If you mean I came in my pants while rubbing up
against you and crying in fear... then, yeah, I guess I did."
I spoil the effect I'm trying to create by turning bright red.

Chakotay leans forward in his chair, slightly agitated. "No,
Tom, that's just it. That isn't what happened. I'm sorry that
you've thought that for the past twenty-four hours. I tried to
tell you yesterday in your quarters. It wasn't like that."

"It wasn't?" I stare directly at him. He returns my look, his
eyes full of concern, worry and... something else.

"Not at all," he answers.

"I don't understand. The Doc said I'd... er... um... well you
know, and he should know. So unless there's something wrong
with his programming..."

"No... um... you did, but the Doctor didn't scan you. If he
had, he would have found two traces of semen."

"What are you saying?" Before the words are out of my mouth I
know *exactly* what he's saying. My dream! It wasn't a dream
after all! I recognize what the something else is in Chakotay's
eyes. Guilt!

"I'm sorry, Tom. I took advantage of you. I didn't realize
that you were panicking. You were moving against me and then
you buried your face into my neck and well... it's been so long
since I've been with anybody. I haven't been that close to a
warm body for a long time, Tom. I lost complete control. I
honestly thought you wanted it, too. I would never have done
something like that, otherwise."

"I see," I say slowly, feeling rather numb.

"I have absolutely no explanation for why I reacted that way,"
Chakotay continues. "I can't tell you how much I regret it.
I've never regretted anything more in my entire life. If you
want to have me charged for sexual assault, I'll understand."

I simply shake my head and stand up slowly, pain washing over
me. "That won't be necessary," I manage to say. "I obviously
led you on. Your reaction was perfectly understandable, under
the circumstances."

He frowns at me. "You didn't lead me on, Tom. You were

"But you didn't know that," I argue, wondering why I feel so

"No... no, I didn't, but I don't want you to think that any of
this is your fault."

"You shouldn't blame yourself, either. It was just one of those

"I'm so sorry, Tom."

I nod. "Would it be all right if I went back to my quarters
now, Commander?" I really need to get away from him.

"Of course. You don't want to go to sickbay?"

"No, I'd just like to be alone for a little while."

"Tom," he starts to say. "I'm sorry. So, so sorry."

I turn around and head out of the door as fast as I can.

The tears are pooling in my eyes before I even reach the
turbolift. Chakotay's voice plays back to me. {{I can't tell
you how much I regret it. It's been so long since I've been with
anybody. Anybody. Any body.}}

So it would have happened no matter who he was with. He was
desperate, so desperate that he lost all control.

What does it matter to me if he used my body to relieve some of
his sexual frustrations? Why should I care? I'm glad I could
be of service.

But it does matter. I do care. I don't know why, but it hurts.
It hurts a lot.


*Chakotay's POV*

Tom had looked completely devastated. I'm a monster. A cruel,
sadistic, sex deprived monster. The look on his face as he
left my office, was one of absolute devastation.

I don't like the way he took my admission. I'd expected him to
be angry, but he'd appeared to be shattered. He's blaming
himself for what happened. I decide to go after him, just to
ensure that he really is all right.

He's standing with his back to me at the turbolift, waiting for
it to arrive, and I hurry down the corridor towards him. The
lift arrives and the doors open. Harry is standing inside and
he looks at Tom and then back to me.

Grabbing Tom by the arm and pulling him inside, Harry glares
at me. As the doors close, I hear his voice quite plainly.
"What the hell has that bastard done this time?"

I stop cold in front of the turbolift, and it's some time before
I realize that the Doctor is trying to contact me. Tuvok must
have informed him that I was bringing Tom down there. He's
wondering where we are.

After telling the Doctor that Tom's decided to rest in his
quarters instead, I make my way back up to the bridge, trying to
keep my mind a careful blank.

The Captain looks at me as I sit down beside her. "Is
everything all right? How's Tom?"

"He just needs to rest for a while."

She looks at me with concern, but doesn't say anything, and
somehow I manage to get on with my work.


*Tom's POV*

"How many times do I have to tell you, Harry? I was not

Harry snorts and indicates the almost empty tissue box sitting
in front of me on the coffee table.

"Okay, I was crying just then, but I was *not* crying

"I wish you'd tell me what he did."

"He didn't do anything. It was all my fault. And I wish you'd
stop calling him a bastard. I think he heard you."

"So what if he did? He made you cry. Twice."

"Harry!!!! I was not crying yesterday. It was the shampoo.
I got shampoo in my eyes."

"Oh! And Chakotay just happened to visit you straight

"No. He was there when it happened. Actually, it's his fault
that it happened because he startled me when I was in the
shower. He opened the door to the shower stall when I'd just
put the shampoo on."

"Huh? What do you mean he opened the door to the shower stall?
What'd he do that for?"

"He wanted to talk to me."

"In the shower?" Harry's eyes are huge in his face.

"Well, not specifically in the shower."

"But you would have been completely naked."

"Yeah. That's how I usually shower."

"You know what I mean, Tom. You were... you were... nude...
and... and he... What the hell did he think he was doing?"

"I told you. He wanted to talk to me."

"Couldn't it have waited until you got out the shower?"

"He was worried. He wanted to talk to me about what happened in
the lift, and I guess when I didn't answer the door he must have
let himself in."

"Okay, I can understand that, but I don't understand why he felt
it necessary to barge in on you in the shower. There's no
excuse for that."

"He said he thought I might've done something to myself."

"Done something to yourself? Why the hell would he have thought
something like that? What am I missing here?"

"Nothing," I say nervously.

Harry eyes me suspiciously. "I don't believe Chakotay thought
you'd do something to yourself just because you had a panic
attack in that lift with him. He was just using that as an
excuse to get an eye full."

"What?" I say in shock.

"I know you think I'm naïve, but you're the one being naïve at
the moment, Tom. As soon as he realized you were in the shower,
he must have come up with the idea to pretend that he was
worried about you. That way he could take a peek, so to speak."

"Harry, I don't believe you're saying this."

"Think about it. There's a lot of people on the ship that would
like to see you in all your naked glory. I think the Commander
is one of them."

"People do not want to see me naked," I say firmly.

"Of course they do. Don't take this the wrong way, 'cause I'm
not interested in you like that, but you have a great body."

"Harry," I protest.

"Well, it's true," he mumbles, blushing furiously. He clears
his throat. "Anyway, I think the Commander wanted a look."

Before I can stop myself, I say bitterly. "He probably wanted
to see what he's already had."

Harry's eyes open up wide. "What's that supposed to mean?"

"Nothing," I say hastily.

His eyes narrow now. "What the hell is going on? You've been
bawling your eyes out for the last half an hour and now you go
and say something like that. I think you should tell me what
you meant."

"I have not been bawling my eyes out for the past half an hour.
Don't exaggerate."

"Tom, tell me what you meant."

"I did something stupid. Even more stupid than usual."

"Go on."

"I don't think I can. You'll be shocked."

"I will not be shocked, Tom. Stop treating me like I'm some
naïve kid. I tell you everything I do. You know every stupid
thing I've ever done."

That's true, but I really don't know if Harry will be able to
handle it. As much as he likes to pretend otherwise, he really
*is* kind of naïve.

"Tom, exactly what did you mean by saying that Chakotay probably
wanted to see what he'd already had?" The frustration is
evident in his voice.

I find myself telling him the whole sordid story. It's a relief
to be able to actually tell someone.

Harry's shocked. There's absolute horror on his face as I
finish my tale. "That dirty... that dirty..."

He can't finish the thought and I grab his arm. "Don't blame
Chakotay. It was my fault. I was rubbing up against him."

"So? If you'd been rubbing up against me do you think I would
have just started rubbing back?"

"No," I say, hesitantly.

"That's right. I would have known something was wrong."

"He forgot about my claustrophobia."

"That's no excuse. What are you defending him for? He took
advantage of you."

"I wish I hadn't told you now," I mumble. "It's all right,
Harry, I can take care of myself."

"I know that, but... geez, Tom, something should be done about

"Chakotay feels bad enough as it is. I just want to forget
about it."

"But, it's not right, Tom."

"And it's not right to make Chakotay suffer any more than he is

Harry shakes his head. "Considering how things are going
between the two of you at the moment, I'm guessing that you're
not going to tell B'Elanna."

"No. There's no need, anyway. I think we broke up."

"What? You think you broke up? What do you mean, you think you
broke up?"

"She told me last night that we were through. I think she meant
it. I hurt her feelings."

"Well, go and apologize. You're always fighting."

"I will apologize, but I don't think we'll get back together."

"The two of you are just going through a rough patch."

"It's more than a rough patch, Har. The two of us are over."

"You don't mean that. You'll patch things up."

"Not this time. I don't think I want to."

"Of course you do."

"No, Har. I don't."

"Why not?"

"It's hard to explain. We're just not working. We're not
really compatible."

"Since when?"

"Since the start, really."

"I see. And it's taken you over two years to realize it?"

"No, but I wanted it to work and I guess she did too."

"She loves you, you know. And I thought you loved her, too."

"I thought I did, too. It's just really complicated."


I look at him in frustration. "Don't you have to go and get
some sleep? You've been up all night."

He shakes his head. "I've finished my night shifts for a while.
I'll just have an early night tonight."

"Great," I murmur, sarcastically.

I'm immensely relieved to hear my door chime sound. It's the

"Commander Tuvok informed me that you'd been taken ill on the
bridge and you were supposed to be coming to sickbay. I waited
for quite some time until Commander Chakotay informed me you'd
decided to rest in your quarters instead of coming to see me."

"I'm all right now, Doc."

"I think that's for me to decide. You may be my medical
assistant, but that doesn't mean that you can diagnose yourself.
I'm still the Doctor, Mr. Paris, and in future you'll come to
sickbay. I don't appreciate having to make house calls. I'd
have come sooner, but I couldn't get away."

"It's really not necessary, Doc. I'm fine... honestly."

The Doc sniffs and pulls out his tricorder. "If you will excuse
us, Mr. Kim?"


"I would like to examine my patient."


"In private, Mr. Kim."

"Oh... yeah... sure."

Harry shuffles to the door, his eyes full of concern. "Come to
my quarters when you're finished. Okay?"

"I think I'll have an early night."

"An early night? Tom, it's not even lunch time."


"Ensign Kim! Leave now. You can arrange your social
obligations later."

As soon as he's gone, the Doc turns to me and asks in a
surprisingly compassionate tone, "Did Commander Chakotay speak
to you? I asked him to come and see you yesterday because I was
concerned about your reaction the next time you saw him. Is
that what happened on the bridge?"

"No, I just felt a bit sick for a moment. He did come and see

"And you've worked through what happened?"

"Yeah. I'll be all right, Doc. Don't worry. I'll get over

He pats my arm. "I'm glad to hear it."

To be continued in part 9.