No Regrets - Part 44
Please see part 1 for disclaimer, codes, summary, etc.
I open my eyes again some time later, as Tom moves restlessly
against me. He's waking up. I'm a little surprised that the
light's still on. It's duller than it was before, but it's
still there. I'm not about to complain.
Tom shifts around once more and I groan in agitation. I can
feel his erection poking into my leg. Does he always wake up
with one? Probably. I fight to prevent mine from springing up
to join his.
It's a sheer battle of willpower, and I have to wipe the beads of
perspiration from my forehead. I win the battle, but lose the
war as Tom begins to nuzzle against my neck, gently biting and
sucking, nipping and licking.
He moves upwards and I can feel his tongue swirling around my
earlobe, before he takes it between his teeth and begins to
nibble gently. It feels so good, I moan.
"Tom," I say hoarsely, attempting to move away a little. "I
don't think that's a good idea."
"Why not?" he breathes into my ear.
I suck in my breath. "Because..." I try to think clearly. I
know there's some reason. A good reason too. "We shouldn't...
we can't do this here."
"What exactly do you think we're about to do?" he teases, still
biting at my ear.
I try to focus. "We're being watched, remember?"
He sighs, but stops his nibbling. "I don't think they'd be
watching us now," he says quietly.
"How can you be so sure?"
"I'm not. It's just a feeling I have."
"I wish I felt that way. They did tell me that they were
monitoring our life signs, not watching or listening to us.
They said they were trying to respect our privacy, but we can't
take the chance."
"I'm willing to take the chance."
"You say that now, but how would you feel after, if you
discovered they'd watched the whole thing?"
"What whole thing? All they'd see is two men showing their
affection for one another. I don't have a problem with anyone
"Well, I do, and I don't have any intentions of providing those
bastards with a peep show."
"Hey!" Tom sits up abruptly. "I don't know what was in your
mind, but all that was in mine was a bit of necking and
kissing." His voice rises in indignation. "I had no intentions
of taking it any further. And I think you're taking a lot for
"I'm sorry, but things always seem to get out of hand between
us, you know they do."
"I also know I have enough self-control to prevent a peep show.
What'd you think was going to happen? Did you think I was going
to suddenly strip off, bend over, wave my ass in front of you,
and scream 'take me'?"
"Of course not," I say angrily, sitting up also. "But you and I
both know that what you were doing would have progressed further
than what you may have had in mind."
"Really? Well, excuse me. I forgot I was with Commander
I feel as if he's knifed me in the heart as pain stabs through
me. "Only where you're concerned," I snap.
"I guess I should be flattered," he snaps in return.
"Maybe you should."
"Well, I'm not! Great! We're arguing... again. Why the hell
are we always arguing?" he yells.
"I have no idea. You're the one who starts it." I can't
believe how much Tom's comment has hurt me. Commander
No-Control! Spirits, that hurts.
"Oh, really? And what universe did you suddenly pop in from?
You start more than I do. You may enjoy it, but I hate arguing
all the time."
"I do *not* enjoy arguing all the time. And would you please
try to keep your voice down? They may be listening even now."
"They better damn well not be," Tom shouts at the ceiling.
"Just try to stay calm."
"Don't start that shit again. I'm not going to panic."
"That's what you said last time and look what happened."
"Shit!" He sighs loudly. "I forgot about that."
"Well, I haven't. I believed you, Tom. It took me a long time
to really listen to what you were saying, but I finally did. I
honestly believed you had it under control, only to discover
that I had genuine reasons to worry all along."
"I think I'm going to be sorry I put on that little
performance," he says miserably.
"You're hardly to blame. You probably just need a few more
sessions with the Doctor, that's all."
"Yeah." He doesn't sound very convinced.
"It was just a temporary setback, that's all."
"Yeah," he says again.
Although seeing him is difficult in the almost dark, I get the
impression he's hanging his head dejectedly. The urge to
comfort him is irresistible and I reach out and pull him against
me. I expected him to resist, but he leans against me willingly
"We'll get through this, Tom," I tell him quietly. "I'll help
I'm surprised to hear him chuckle in response.
"What's so funny?"
"Nothing," he says. "I've just decided that this feels good, so
I give up. If you want to protect me, then go right ahead."
"Tom, it's not like that," I say hastily. "I know you can look
"It's okay. I don't mind. It's rather nice to have you
worrying over me."
"I can't help it."
"I know. I think that's one of the reasons why I love you so
My heart soars at his words. Trying to dampen down my elation,
I say lightly. "Then I think I'd better keep on worrying about
you." I lean in and kiss him soundly on the lips, and
immediately worry that something isn't right. Although Tom
can't help responding, I get the impression he's still holding
"Nobody has ever affected me the way you do," I say softly.
"I've never felt this way about anybody before."
Tom wraps his arms around me without saying anything. I know
he's far more emotional than I am, and could be overcome with
happiness, but I don't think that's what it is.
"Tom? Is something wrong?"
He's quiet for so long, I wonder if he's going to answer me.
When he finally does, his voice is full of emotion. "Do you
think they're listening to us?"
"I... I don't know. Why?"
"You are such a pain in the ass."
"I... what? What do you mean?" I ask in confusion.
He pulls away from me and stands up abruptly. "This isn't going
to work, you know," he yells to the ceiling. "You may as well
let us go."
I sigh in exasperation. What the hell is going on with him now?
He's impossible to keep up with. And he says *I'm* anything but
easy. "If they *are* listening, I doubt that will stop them."
Tom continues to address the ceiling. "I've had it with this
shit. I want it to end... now! If you won't end it, then *I*
"Tom, that isn't going to help."
"I think it will."
"Well, I think you should come back here and sit down."
"Stow it, Chakotay."
I decide the only thing to do is wrestle him back onto the bunk.
I have absolutely no idea what's happening in that head of his,
but am worried he may be heading for another attack.
I have him in a choker hold when the door suddenly opens and
two of our captors enter, the third remaining in the doorway.
Tom hisses, "Asshole!" at me, when I let him go, and then turns
to face them. "So, you *were* listening," he accuses
"Our sensors indicated that you were becoming agitated," the
leader says quietly. "We wanted to ensure you were all right."
"Well, now that you're here, I'd like to thank you for your
rather questionable hospitality, but it's time Chakotay and I
"Tom," I warn, wondering what the hell he's up to now.
He merely smiles at me, and then throws himself at the other
guard. The move is so sudden that I have no chance of reaching
out to stop him. The guard makes a strange gurgling sound as
Tom pounces, and fires its weapon.
I stare in disbelief as Tom falls to the floor in a crumpled
heap, the guard gazing down at him. We all stand there in
stunned silence for a few moments and then react at the same
The guard in the doorway steps into the cell as their leader
kneels beside Tom, rolling him over. I throw myself down on the
floor next to him, pushing the leader out the way.
"What the hell did you shoot him for?" I hear the guard from the
doorway ask, as I check Tom for a heartbeat and pulse.
"He came straight for me. I panicked. I didn't mean to shoot
I barely hear the guards talking as I listen to Tom's heart
beating strong and steady. "He's still alive," I say in relief.
"Our weapons have stun capability only," the leader tells me.
"He'll be fine."
They help me get him on the bunk and then bring us in a tray of
food. I don't even hear them leave as my relief that Tom's all
right changes into a burning fury.
What the hell did he think he was doing? He could have been
killed. We had no idea our captors' weapons were only able to
stun. Of all the stupid... idiotic... ridiculous...
He groans and rolls over, sitting up rather shakily. I make no
attempt to help him, standing above him, glaring instead.
He looks up at me with a slight smile, and swings his legs over
the side of the bunk. "I take it that didn't work," he says
"And just *how* exactly was it supposed to work?" I growl.
"Have you completely lost your mind? What the hell did you
think you were doing? It was pure luck you were only stunned."
"I guessed I would be," he interrupts.
"You *guessed* you would be?" I pace around the cell in front
of him. "You *guessed*? That was a hell of a chance."
"Not really. I knew I was right."
"You knew no such thing," I yell furiously. "What were you trying
to do anyway? Surely you didn't really think you'd be able to
"No, that wasn't my aim."
"Really? Then what the hell was?"
"I was trying to get a reaction out of you and it seems I
"You what? You risked being killed to get a reaction from me?"
My fury rises to a new level and I pull him up from the bunk and
shake him roughly. "You fucking asshole! Do you have any idea
what I went through when they shot you? I thought you were
dead, you little prick. And now I find out that was all for my
benefit. You did that to get a reaction from me? What type of
reaction were you hoping for, you utter shit? "
I shake him furiously. "What the fuck were you thinking? How
could you deliberately put me through that?"
He pushes me away from him and shouts, "I couldn't give a fuck
what you just went through, Chakotay. Do you have any idea what
you've put me through these past few months? Whatever pain I
just caused you is nothing to what I've gone through since that
day in the lift.
"And you just keep on hurting me. I told you I love you, you
witless ass, and what was your response? What the hell is the
matter with you? Why can't you tell me how you feel?"
"I *did* tell you how I feel," I yell.
"Just once I'd like to hear the words. I'm in love with you,
you fatheaded dipshit, and I think it's about time you told me
"Of course I'm in love with you, you moronic imbecile. And I do
not have a fat head, or... what the hell is a dipshit?"
"Take a look in the mirror."
I look at Tom in total disbelief, my anger dissolving. "Are you
telling me that you risked your life so that I'd tell you I loved
"I wasn't risking my life, but... yes."
"I thought you knew I was in love with you," I say quietly.
"I did, but... well... I needed to hear you say it."
"But I have... many times."
"No, you haven't. Not once."
I open my mouth to argue and then close it again. He's right.
I've never said that to him. In all of my apologies and
entreaties to him to give us a chance, I've never said I love
him. I've used words like care and deep feelings instead.
He told me he loved me, and what did I say in return? I told
him that I'd never felt this way about anybody before, but I
didn't say I loved him.
I remember Tom's strange words to me now, when he first admitted
to me how worried he was that things would be uneven between us.
He said something about the shoe being on the other foot and I
hadn't known what he meant. B'Elanna once confided to me that
she felt her love was a lot stronger than Tom's.
Is that what he meant? He thought his feelings for me were
stronger than mine for him? Why haven't I told him I love him?
I'd just assumed he knew. He did, but he needed me to tell him
It was only natural that he would, considering the way I behaved
towards him. I can see now why he's been so insistent on not
starting anything between us. No wonder he's been so hesitant,
thinking that he loved me more than I loved him, and worrying
that I would try to dominate the relationship the way B'Elanna
did with him.
"You're right," I say softly. "B'Elanna told me I was a damn
idiot, but I had no idea of how much of a one I am until now. I
can't believe how stupid I've been. Tom, I'm not the sort of
person to give flowery speeches, you know that, but I love you
with all of my heart, all of my being. I can't imagine existing
without you. You're everything to me. Everything."
He hugs me closely, whispering quietly. "I don't need flowery
speeches or sappy prose, Chakotay. I just need to know that you
love me as much as I love you."
"I do, Tom. I do. When you called me Commander No-Control
before, I was more hurt than you can imagine. With you I really
don't have any control over my emotions. None at all."
"I'm sorry. I shouldn't have called you that."
"I'm glad you did. It made me realize something that I hadn't
understood before. I now know the true reason why I lied to
you and didn't tell you how I felt right from the start, and
the reason why I've been acting like such an ass since.
"Everything I said to you was true. I was afraid of rejection
and being hurt, and I didn't want to cause problems between
B'Elanna and you, but I was scared, Tom. My reaction to you
in that lift terrified me. The thought of losing control so
completely, consumed me with fear.
"I've been in love before, but I've never lost control like
that. And every time I'm with you, I feel that way. It
scared the hell out of me, Tom. I've always prided myself on
my emotional control, and to discover I had absolutely none
with you was more than I could handle.
"I suppose I've been trying to take back some of that control
by visualizing myself as your protector. I wanted you to need
me, and instead, all I did was convince you that I was a stubborn
ass and would try to dominate you."
"Chakotay, I do need you," he says, kissing me softly. "I need
you in my life. I need you to love me."
"I do love you, Tom."
His lips are warm and gentle as they meet mine and it's some
time before we break apart.
"Tom, you have to promise me that you won't do anything so
drastic to get a reaction from me again."
"It wasn't really drastic; I wasn't in any danger."
"You only guessed those weapons would stun. You had absolutely
nothing to go on but your gut feelings. Am I right?"
"Well... yes, but..."
"No buts. You took a stupid risk..."
"Chakotay, there's something you don't understand."
"Tom! I understand perfectly. I want your promise."
"You're being a stubborn ass again, Chakotay," he says with a
"Tom, I don't think I can laugh about this. I'll never forget
how I felt when that guard shot you." My voice chokes with
"Chakotay, you don't..."
"Okay, okay. I promise."
"Thank you," I say, pulling him into my arms and kissing him
soundly. We're both a little breathless when we pull apart.
"Now, you have to promise me something too," Tom whispers into
"When we get out of here..."
"You're very confident."
"Yes, I am. Now, shut up and let me finish what I was saying."
"*When* we get out of here and get back to Voyager, you have to
promise to show me the best way to have anal sex. Harry didn't
get to show me that."
"Tom! They're probably still listening."
No, things will never be easy with Tom, but they certainly won't
be dull either. I decide the best way to handle him is to shut
him up, and proceed to do exactly that. Pushing him onto the
bunk, I lie down beside him and pull him into my arms.
"When we get back to Voyager, I intend to show you a lot more
We're soon kissing passionately, all thoughts of our captors,
our prison cell and circumstances, forgotten.
To be continued in part 45.