No Regrets - Part 33
Please see part 1 for disclaimer, codes, summary, etc.
I watch, horrified, as the Captain paces around the room
angrily. She knows Tom and I had sex. Even worse, so does
Chakotay. How can I talk to him and tell him he was wrong about
the two of us being in love now? How can I get he and Tom
together now that he knows?
This wasn't supposed to happen. Chakotay will never understand.
Never! Shit, shit, shit!
"I'm not impressed with your behavior, Harry," the Captain
continues, bringing me back to awareness. "Did you think you
could keep it secret? How's Tom going to react when he finds
out? And believe me, he will. You know what this ship is like,
and you were making rather a spectacle of yourself."
"I will *not* allow you to hurt Tom like that. He doesn't
deserve it." She begins to pace back and forth in front of me
in her fury.
"I'm very upset with you, Harry."
That's for sure. I can't remember her ever being this angry
with me before. But, it isn't what it seems.
"Captain, you don't understand..."
"You're damn right I don't. Tom is going to be devastated."
"No, he won't. He won't be upset at all. You see..."
"Of course, he will," she snaps at me before I can explain.
"He's very vulnerable underneath that easy-going persona he
likes to project. I thought *you*, of all people, would know
"I do," I say hastily, and hurry on before she can interrupt me
again. "But Tom and I aren't together the way you think we
"No. We realized last night that it wouldn't work between us."
"Is that why Tom looked so miserable today?"
"No, that was something else. I can't tell you about that, so
please don't ask me."
She stops her pacing and stares at me disbelievingly.
"It's true, Captain. Please believe me. We're not in love with
one another. Honestly. You can ask Tom. As soon as we had
sex, we knew." I blush as I realize what I've just said.
The Captain stares at me blankly so I continue. "We're not in a
relationship and I'm not cheating on him with Greg, if that's
what you think."
"No, Captain. I could never, ever do something like that."
"I'm glad to hear it, but are you telling me that you've been in
love with Tom all these years and now that you've had sex, you
no longer are?"
My blush turns into a raging fire. "I know how that sounds, but
it wasn't right between us."
"What do you mean?"
"You want me to tell you about it?" I don't think I can do
that. She *is* the Captain, after all. I can't believe we're
having this conversation in the first place.
"You don't have to give me all the vivid details," she says
dryly. "I just need to understand what happened."
"Well... it was like he was my brother or something, and Tom
felt the same way."
"I see." A look of relief washes over her face and she smiles
brightly. "Now I understand. And it doesn't even surprise me
"Well, it did me."
She gives a small laugh and I watch her suspiciously. She's far
too happy about all of this. "I'm sure it did. And Tom's all
right about it all?"
"He feels the same way I do. But, he's really sorry we did it.
He says he took advantage of my feelings for him, but *I'm* the
one who took advantage of him. Deep down I knew he didn't
really know what he was doing. He was so mixed up..." I stop
suddenly, horrified that I'm about to betray Tom's confidence.
The Captain sits down on the couch next to me and pats my hand.
It's obvious she wants me to explain, but I can't. And I find
myself wondering why she's so involved in the whole thing. She
really seemed upset that Tom might be hurt.
"Tom was very upset last night, wasn't he?" she asks softly.
"Yes," I answer carefully. There can be only one reason why the
Captain is so involved in all of this. I've had my suspicions
for quite some time, of course, but I never thought she'd come
out in the open.
She squeezes my hand tightly. She's a lot stronger than she
looks and I wince in pain. "You know, Harry, I think you're
right. You *did* take advantage of Tom. He was vulnerable and
upset, and you slept with him knowing that."
She releases my hand and I shake it gingerly. "I'm not a very
nice person," I mumble quietly, completely convinced now. She's
in love with Tom herself. Her love has always been pure,
though. As long as Tom was happy, so was she.
That's why she came down on B'Elanna so hard, so many times.
She could see she was hurting Tom. And that's why she's
treating me like this. She thought I was going to hurt Tom too.
"I'm sorry," I mumble miserably. "I know I should have stopped
it. But at the time, all I could think of was how long I'd
loved Tom. How long I'd wanted him and I wanted to believe so
badly that he loved me too."
"I understand, Harry," she tells me, squeezing my hand gently
this time. Of course, she does.
"I feel so bad about everything."
"Well, Harry, I think that maybe you should."
I can't believe my luck. After ensuring Chakotay wasn't at
Sandrine's I run into him face-to-face. Not that he even
acknowledged my presence, but the whole experience was very
Thankfully, the Captain decided to follow him back into
Sandrine's and that meant I could be on my own. I'm not sure
what's going to happen if this is the way I'm going to react
every time I see him.
Stepping into an observation lounge and glancing around, I feel
immensely relieved there's no one else here. I just want to
gaze out at the stars and not think about anything.
I stand here for some time before turning around and deciding to
head back to bed. To my horror I see Chakotay in the doorway.
How long has he been standing there quietly watching me? What's
he doing here?
"Tom, can I talk to you for a few moments?"
The last thing I want to do is talk to him. Why can't he leave
me alone? I lean back against the railing and wait nervously.
He clears his throat. "I know I upset you last night, and..."
"Forget it," I interrupt hastily.
"I can't. You went to Harry and I..."
"Shit!" I exclaim, straightening up from my slouched position.
He knows about that? Goddamn you, B'Elanna! "That's none of
your business," I say frostily, wishing I could get the hell out
of here, but knowing I'll have to push past Chakotay to do it.
The very last thing I wanted was for him to know that his
rejection of me had caused me to go and throw myself foolishly
at my best friend. As if he didn't pity me enough. Damn it all
"Tom, Harry isn't what he seems."
"He's conniving... manipulative..."
"Harry wouldn't even know the meaning of the word." What the
hell is going on here?
"That's where you're wrong. He's a lying, cheating little snake,
"What the fuck are you talking about and why are you trashing
Harry like this? I won't stand here and listen to this shit."
I go to shove my way past him, but he grabs my arms. "I saw him
with Greg Ayala, Tom."
"Let go of me."
"Did you hear what I said? He was with Greg and it was *not*
just an innocent drink."
I struggle to get free. "So what? Will you take your hands
off me or do I have to call security?"
"Tom, are you even listening to me?" he shouts in my face. "The
two of you were together last night, screwing your asses off,
and now, not even twenty-four hours later, Harry's trying to
get into Ayala's pants."
So that's what this is all about. He thinks Harry's cheating on
me, and he blames himself for pushing me towards Harry in the
first place. He feels sorry for me. Poor, dumb, Tom, finally
realizing he's in love with his best friend only to have him
cheat on him the very first day.
I manage to break free from his grip and push him against the
wall. I don't want his pity. I won't let him feel sorry for
"For your information," I say icily, "Harry and I are not
"Yeah, we fucked last night. All night. We humped our brains
out and it was the best sex of our lives. And whenever either
of us want mind-blowing sex, we'll do it again. Other than
that, we're free agents."
I don't know why I said that. I just can't stand the thought
that Chakotay pities me. Harry probably wouldn't be very
impressed with me, either.
I hurry out the door and bump straight into a figure standing on
the other side. "Greg!"
"I came looking for you. I wanted to straighten a few things
out, but it appears that won't be necessary. I've heard all I
wanted to know."
"So, you and Harry are going to be 'fuck buddies'?" Greg says
quietly, hurt evident in his tone. "He lied to me. Told me the
two of you had had a rather ordinary time of it last night and
wouldn't be doing it again."
"He told you that?" My voice ends in a squeak. I can't believe
Harry told him. That was personal, between us, no one should
know about it. He must really like Greg to have told him and
now Greg thinks... Oh fuck!!!
"It seems our seemingly innocent Mr. Kim will say anything to
get what he wants, Greg," Chakotay says from behind me. "He
probably thought you wouldn't be interested in sharing him with
Tom, no matter how flexible their arrangement."
"I'm not," Greg says flatly.
Shit! Shit! Shit! I'm going to have to tell Ayala I just lied
my ass off to Chakotay. I can't let him think Harry
deliberately deceived him.
"What other lies did the little weasel tell you?"
"Shut up, Chakotay," I hiss. "Greg, we need to talk."
"I don't think he lied to me," Ayala answers Chakotay.
"Everything he told me was fairly self-defamatory."
"That was probably his way of making you feel sorry for him.
Listen, we've been friends for years, Greg, long before the
Maquis. And as a friend, I'm telling you, Harry Kim can't be
"Chak, you've always been a good friend, and you've given me
some sound advice in the past, but I really like Harry. I trust
him. Some of the stuff he told me wasn't very nice. He wanted
me to know what he was capable of."
"I know what he's capable of," Chakotay says fiercely. "Just
I turn on him furiously. "What is your problem? Harry hasn't
"You can say that after discovering this?" he asks
"I've discovered nothing," I yell in frustration. "Harry didn't
lie to Greg. *I* lied to *you*. I didn't want you to feel any
sorrier for me than you do already."
"I don't feel sorry for you, Tom."
"Bullshit!" I turn my back on him to face Ayala again. "I'm
sorry, Greg. If I'd known you were there I would never have
said any of that."
"Is it true though?"
"No, I was lying."
"So, Harry and you aren't going to be 'fuck buddies'?"
"No," I say in a small voice, wishing Chakotay would go away.
"And you're definitely not in love with Harry, either? I don't
want to step on any toes, but I'd really like to pursue a
relationship with him. I just wanted to be sure you'd be okay
"Thanks, Greg, but it's fine. Truly. I'm happy for you both."
"Yes, I'm sure. Certain in fact. I think Harry deserves some
happiness after all these years."
"I'll make sure he gets some," Greg says with a smile.
"I don't believe I'm hearing this. Greg, I don't think you
realize just how conniving Harry can be."
"Chak, I know you care about me and I appreciate your concern,
but Harry's been brutally honest with me. I know everything
he's done. It was wrong, turning people away from Tom like
that, but if Tom can forgive him then that's all that matters."
"Turning people away from me?" I repeat in bewilderment. "What
"All those people who were interested in you those first few
years we were out here."
"Those first few years were hell for me. Everyone hated me."
"No, they didn't. Not everyone, anyway. But Harry made sure
they stayed away from you."
Greg frowns at my question. "I... I thought he confessed
everything to you."
"Not this, he didn't."
"Shit! I'm sorry. He was so open with me, I just assumed..."
"Tell me everything he did, Greg."
"I think you'd better ask *him*, Tom."
"I'm asking *you*."
"No, Tom. I've obviously said too much already."
"What if I make it a direct order?" Chakotay asks. I'd almost
forgotten he was there.
"Then I'll have to disobey you, *Commander*. I'm not saying
"Shit," I swear, turning around and heading towards the
turbolift. Chakotay and Ayala are hot on my heels. "I don't
need company," I say furiously as they step in behind me.
"I don't want you to hurt Harry," Greg tells me quietly.
"He can hurt him if he wants to," Chakotay hisses fiercely.
"No. He was mixed up, confused..."
"That's shit, Greg, and you know it. Harry deserves
everything he gets and I'm going to make sure he gets it."
"I won't let him be hurt."
"And I won't let you stop Tom."
"What the hell do you have to do with this anyway, Chakotay?
It's none of your business."
"It's none of yours either."
"Is a conniving little bastard."
"Take that back!"
"No! It's true."
"Chakotay! What the hell is the matter with you?"
"What the hell's the matter with you? You're the one trying to
protect Harry - the weasel - Kim, even though you know what he's
"We may have been friends for years and you may be my commanding
officer, Chakotay, but if you don't shut up, you'll be sorry."
"Is that a threat?"
"As a matter of fact... yes."
"Oh, for fuck's sake," I yell. "Will you two stop it? This is
between Harry and me and you can both stay the hell out of it."
Thankfully, the lift stops and I hurry out, surprised when they
"Tom!" Chakotay calls, but as I turn around the lift doors close,
and I see Greg grabbing hold of Chakotay's arm.
I shrug. They can have a fight to the death on the floor of the
turbolift if they want, I have a certain so-called best friend
to see. And I'll make him tell me everything he's done over the
past six years. Everything.
I key in Harry's access codes and charge into the room, yelling
out loudly, "Harry, you and I have to talk."
There's no answer and it doesn't take long to figure out that
Harry's not here. Damn! I'd just assumed he was in his
quarters. Is that why Chakotay and Greg hadn't followed me?
They knew he wasn't?
The computer informs me Harry's in the Captain's ready room.
What the hell's he doing there? Maybe he has the chance of an
away mission or something. I wish I did. I'd love to get off
the ship for a few days.
I sit down on Harry's bed and decide to wait. He has to come
back here some time.
To be continued in part 34.