No Regrets - Part 15
Please see part 1 for disclaimer, codes, summary, etc.
I'm still a little dazed when I finally make it to sickbay. The
Doc makes some sarcastic remark about me being so late, but I
don't really hear it. I promise to stay back to make up the
time and then set to work distractedly.
The Doc hovers around me, every now and then waving a tricorder
towards me, but I ignore him. All I can focus on is Harry.
I replay everything that he's ever said and done to me in the
past few months. It just doesn't make sense. Harry's not in
love with me. I'd know if he was, wouldn't I?
He wouldn't be so insistent that I stay with B'Elanna if he was,
would he? I just don't understand it. His anger at Chakotay
has been completely out of proportion, and some of those snide
remarks of his really surprised me, but there must be some other
I remember the way he blushed when he told me the other day that
I had a great body. And what was it that he had shouted at me
yesterday when I'd admitted I couldn't stop thinking about
He'd shaken me and yelled into my face. "You're not even
interested in guys, remember? That was one of the first things
you told me."
Hell! I remember saying that to him now, right back on the
first night we were on board Voyager. And why had I said it?
Because Harry was looking at me strangely. There was something
about that look that had made me feel uncomfortable.
I'd quickly asked him if he knew any good-looking girls on board
that would be interested in double dating but he shook his head,
saying that he didn't know anybody yet. Then he'd asked me if I
was interested in going out with a guy. I'd told him I wasn't
interested in guys at all.
He'd looked a little disappointed and then shrugged. He'd never
indicated that he was interested in me again and I'd quickly
grown comfortable with him.
I blush with embarrassment as I think of all the times I've run
around half naked in front of him. I'd never given it a
thought. Had he been checking me out the whole time?
He must have been. I've never looked at him like that. I've
never really checked any guy out like that.
Don't get me wrong, I know a good-looking guy when I see one,
but I've just never thought about it much. And I can't imagine
saying to any guy that they've got a great body. Well, okay,
there is one guy. Not that I've seen his body. I've felt it
I pull myself up short. What am I thinking? Haven't I got
enough problems at the moment? Do I really need to add more?
My strange feelings regarding Chakotay will just have to wait.
I need to talk to Harry. I need to discover the truth. If
Harry really is in love with me, then that needs to be settled
I ask the computer to let me know when Harry enters his
quarters. I make my way there immediately and wait cautiously
to see if he'll let me in. It doesn't appear that he will.
He stands in the doorway, his arms crossed, scowling out at me.
"What do you want, Paris?"
"To apologize. Harry, I'm sorry. I should never have believed
all that crap."
His frown is still there. "So, why did you?"
"I don't know. I think I may be going crazy."
He doesn't laugh and he doesn't stand back to let me in.
"What changed your mind?"
"I spoke to Chakotay..."
"Oh, I see. You believe him when he tells you, just not me."
"I'm sorry, Harry. Can I please come in?"
"I don't want to talk about this in the corridor."
"There's nothing more to talk about."
"Yes, there is. You're attitude towards Chakotay, for instance.
He thinks you're jealous."
"Jealous? Of what?"
With an impatient sigh, I push Harry out of the way and step
into his quarters.
"What do you think you're doing?"
"I'm not talking about this in the corridor," I say firmly.
"Well, then, make yourself at home," he answers sarcastically.
I grab his arm and drag him over to the couch. Pushing him into
it, I sit down in a chair across from him and shake my head.
"You're not making this easy for me, Harry."
I take a deep breath. "Are you in love with me?"
His mouth opens in astonishment and then closes without a sound.
He opens it once more. "Oh, shit!"
"It's okay, Harry," I say quickly. "Honest. We just need to
talk about it."
"You shouldn't joke about things like that, Tom."
"I'm not joking."
"Why would you think I'm in love with you?" His voice cracks a
little and his eyes are wide before he swiftly ducks his head.
"Are you?" I ask softly.
Harry shakes his head, looking across at me sadly. "It's true.
You really are going crazy. Come on, I'll take you to
He gets up and comes over to pull me from my chair. I shove him
away. "That's not funny, Harry. I just want the truth. We
need to get it out in the open. There's nothing to be ashamed
of, or embarrassed either. We can tell each other anything."
Harry stares down at me incredulously. "You want to know if I'm
in love with you?"
"Yes. And you still haven't answered me."
Instead of answering me, he regards me steadily for a few
moments. "Are you in love with me?" he asks, unexpectedly.
"No! Why would you think something like that?"
"I didn't, but why do you think I'm in love with you?" he
I shake my head, wondering if I dare tell him. I don't want to
have another fight.
Harry goes over to the replicator and gets us both a drink and
then sinks into the couch once more. "You've really been
getting some crazy ideas lately, Tom. It worries me."
"I'm sorry, Harry. But your behavior towards Chakotay has been
so strange. He told me that he thought you were and I didn't
know what to think."
Harry sits forward and places his glass carefully on the coffee
table. "I see. So you just automatically believed Chakotay?
"It wasn't like that, Harry. And this is what I mean about your
attitude to Chakotay. If you're not in love with me, then it
just doesn't make sense."
He's silent as he stares at me. Finally, he says quietly, "I
may not be in love with you, Tom, but I do care about you."
"I know you care about me, Harry, and I know you hate to see me
hurt. I feel the same way about you. But this whole thing with
Chakotay... well, it's just crazy. You know I can take care of
myself. I don't need you championing me the way you have."
"I know," he says in a small voice. "I'm sorry." His chin
quivers a little and guilt flows through me.
"I don't mean to upset you, Har, but why have you been acting
"I don't want to talk about it, Tom."
"We *need* to talk about it, Har. I don't understand. Why are
you so mad at Chakotay? Why is it so important to you that
B'Elanna and I stay together?"
"It's not. You can do whatever you like. I don't care. You
can break up or stay together or whatever you want. It's none
of my business. I thought you were basically happy together. I
was wrong. I'm sorry for being too blind to see the truth.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I was going to have an early night."
He stands up and gazes pointedly at the door.
"Harry, it's not even 18.00."
"I'm not going until we sort this out, Har."
"There's nothing to sort out. Now, go away."
"No! I want to know why you've been acting so weird. Why
you've been pushing me to stay with B'Elanna."
He hesitates. "She deserves to be happy."
"Oh? And I don't?"
"I didn't say that."
"You might as well have. You don't care about how I feel at
all, do you?"
"How can you say that? You know I do."
"Do I? You've known how bad things have been between B'Elanna
and me for months now. You've known how unhappy I've been, but
you still insisted that we should be together, just so that
B'Elanna could stay happy. That doesn't sound like you're
considering my feelings at all."
I start to march out of the room angrily. "All you've been
thinking about is B'Elanna. Well, let me tell you, I never
thought you'd..." I stop suddenly by the doors and turn around
in amazement, as the truth finally hits me.
"Harry...! You *are* in love, aren't you?"
"I told you, I'm not in love with you," he hisses at me
"Not with me," I say impatiently. "With B'Elanna."
His mouth hangs open as he looks at me, shock evident in his
"Don't try and deny it," I hurry on. "It's obvious, now that I
know. I don't know why I didn't see it before. That's why
you've been so insistent that we stay together. Her happiness
means more to you than anything. Shit, Har. Why do you always
have to be so noble all the time?"
He shuts his mouth firmly and continues to stare at me. I head
back to him and grab his arm, propelling him towards his couch
As soon as he's seated, I sit down across from him again and
shake my head. "Why didn't you tell me?"
Harry swallows hard and looks down at the floor. "Tom, can we
please not talk about this?"
"How long, Har? How long have you been in love with her?"
He refuses to answer, so I try to piece it all together.
Thinking back, I realize that Harry has been close to B'Elanna
right from the beginning of our journey. Has the poor kid been
in love with her from the first time he saw her in that Ocampa
It wouldn't surprise me, because we were talking about love at
first sight one day and I remember how insistent he was that it
could happen. I'd received the impression that it'd happened to
him, although he'd denied it at the time.
What I don't understand is why he didn't say anything. Perhaps
it had something to do with Libby. Knowing Harry, he probably
felt that he had to be faithful to her. There was also the fact
that B'Elanna had made it obvious to everyone that she'd pegged
Harry as the cute kid brother. Sort of like I did. Poor Harry.
"I wish you'd confided in me," I say quietly. "If I'd known how
you felt I would never have let myself become interested in
He finally looks up at me. "That would have been very generous
of you, but completely unnecessary."
There's something in the tone of his voice that I don't like.
"You shouldn't belittle yourself like that, Har. You think
B'Elanna would never have changed her feelings for you? I'm not
so sure. But, because of me, you never got the chance to find
out. I feel so bad about this."
Harry returns his gaze to the floor. "Tom..."
"No, Har," I interrupt. "Don't try to make me feel better. I
think I understand what happened now. You were going to say
something, weren't you? But Vorik forced that ponn farr thing
onto her and she bit me, marking me as hers."
He makes a small strangled noise. I'm not sure what it's
supposed to mean, but I take it for agreement and hurry on.
"I knew it. That's a big thing for a Klingon. She chose me for
her mate and you felt you couldn't say anything after that.
That must have been dreadful for you. I'm sure if you'd been
there instead of me, she would have chosen you."
"I doubt it," he says softly. "She probably would have chosen
"Of course!" I exclaim, as sudden understanding dawns. "No
wonder you've been acting the way you have. You sacrificed your
feelings for B'Elanna so that she could be happy with me and
here I've been throwing it all back in your face. Getting it on
with Chakotay and hurting her as well. It makes perfect sense
why you've been so snippy lately."
He looks up at me sharply. "I have not been snippy."
"Of course you have," I say dismissively. "But it's okay. I
understand. Chakotay, not knowing all the facts, jumped to the
Harry ducks his head down again and then covers his face with
his hands. "I never wanted you to know," he moans. "Tom... I
have to tell you..." All I can hear now is a choking sound.
I throw myself from my seat onto my knees in front of him and
pull him into a tight hug. "It's all right, Har. I understand.
I really do."
He stiffens for a heartbeat and then relaxes against me,
hugging me in return. "Oh, Tom!"
"It's okay, Har," I tell him, rocking him gently. "I don't
know how the hell you've stood it for this long."
He nestles in to me and I find myself holding him tighter.
"It was hard sometimes," he says, his voice muffled. "But I
loved her enough to want her to be happy more than anything
else. She couldn't be with me, so I wanted her to be with you.
It was the next best thing. I told myself that as long as you
made her happy, then I would be happy too."
"That's just like you, Har, but you should have said something.
I feel really awful about telling you some of the things that
happened between us. I never would have if I'd known how you
felt about her."
"I know that, Tom."
"And shit! All the stuff I said when I wanted to break things
off. I can't believe you'd want me to stay with her."
He sniffs loudly and his voice is so soft I can hardly hear it.
"I... I can't explain why I still wanted you to. It's all kind
of jumbled in my head. I'm sorry, Tom, I guess I just wasn't
"Everything's such a mess," I say with a sigh.
"Yeah," he answers softly, looking up at me out of the corner of
his eye. There's a strange look on his face that I'm unable to
interpret, but I shrug it off. At least I've got to the bottom
of Harry's strange behavior.
Chakotay was wrong. Harry's not in love with me. He's in love
with B'Elanna. It all makes perfect sense now. I hug him
tightly once more.
To be continued in part 16.