Title: Just Another Beta 1/1
Author: T'Pam
Pairing: C/P
Rating: R - for rather rude.
Disclaimer: Tom and Chakotay belong to Paramount. I'm
just another one of those pesky people who insist on
borrowing them all the time.


Tom Paris sighed wearily as he opened the doors to his
quarters. What a day! Everything that *could* go wrong,
*did* go wrong.

As soon as he was inside, he pulled off his boots and
threw them down next to the coffee table, only to frown
and then bend and pick them up again. Not a good idea to
leave them there. He'd never hear the end of it. There
was nothing Chakotay hated more than sloppiness, except
perhaps leaving the light on during sex.

Tom smiled at the thought. What did the big guy think
was going to happen? Some other starship was going to
cruise past and see the two of them through the lighted

He put his boots tidily in the rack by the door and then
shrugged out of his jacket, placing that neatly over the
back of a chair.

"Is that you, Tom?" Chakotay called out from the bedroom.

Tom made his way over there and poked his head around
the door. "Yeah, what are you doing? Starting without

Chakotay sat up and patted the bed next to him. "Tom,
come here. We need to have a serious discussion."

"What's the matter?" Tom hurried over. Chakotay's
eyes were bleak and his complexion was rather pale.
"Are you sick?"

"No. It's nothing like that. I'm a little upset,

"Oh god! What's wrong?"

"Please stay calm, Tom. I want to talk to you about
why I'm upset, but I have a confession to make first."

"A confession?" Tom could feel his heart beating wildly.

Chakotay licked his lips nervously and nodded. "I'm so
sorry, Tom, but I accidentally read one of your messages."

Tom opened and shut his mouth. He didn't know what he'd
been expecting, but he didn't expect this. "How can you
accidentally read someone's message?" he growled.

"I was waiting for a message from Kathryn, so when the
light blinked, I automatically started to read it."

"As soon as you started, you must have realized it wasn't
from the Captain. Surely you must have seen it didn't
have your name on it."

"It was only after I started reading that I realized the
message was for someone called F'Tom. Tom, why are you
calling yourself, F'Tom?"

Tom could feel the flush creeping up his neck. "It's a
pen name."

Chakotay cleared his throat. "It's very creative, I'm
sure. But I think people would know it's you."

"It was meant to be funny."

"I'm sure it is, but..."

"Did you read the whole message?" Tom interrupted.

"I had to."

"You did not *have* to."

"Yes, I did. Do you know what the first two lines of
that message said, Tom?"

"No, I haven't read it," Tom answered crossly. "I'm
sure you'll tell me, though."

"Why don't we read it together?" Chakotay stood up and
pulled Tom to his feet, dragging the younger man out of
the room and over to the computer terminal.

He sat Tom down carefully and then perched beside him,
reopening the message. Tom groaned inwardly as he read

'Hey, F'Tom,
this was great. But one thing really stuck out. <BG>
You've got the big guy with his pants down around his
ankles, so he wouldn't be able to pick you up and with
three great strides throw you onto the couch. Maybe
you should change that to eager little shuffles, or

BTW, that scene on the couch was hot, hot, hot. But is
it possible to come that many times and not black out?
Unfortunately, I wouldn't know. Anyway, I'll be
sending you a proper beta tomorrow.

Keep it up, <BEG>
The great Har-dini.'

Tom shook his head, trying not to laugh at his friend's
wit, and watched Chakotay out of the corner of his eye.
"You're upset about the message."

"Wouldn't you be, under the circumstances?"

"It's not what you think."

"No, it's worse. I checked back to see exactly what
the message was you sent to this Great Har-dini and
quite frankly I was shocked, Tom."

"It's a story," Tom muttered. "A quick fic."

"A quick fic?"

"Yeah, you know. A piece of fiction that isn't very
long and... um... is usually written fairly quickly.
Except, of course, when writer's block sets in. You
wouldn't believe how frustrating that can be. Once..."

"You wrote this?" Chakotay interrupted to ask.

"Yeah. What'd you think of it?"

"You actually wrote this... what was it called?"

"'The Commander's Couch'. Did you like it?"

"It's sexually explicit, Tom."

"Yeah, it is pretty hot, isn't it? You should read
some of the others."

"It's about you and me, Tom."


"That story is about you and me... having sex."

"No, it's not."

"It's not?"

"No, they're fictional characters."

"It's written from your point of view."

"No, it's not mine. Don't you get it? It's the
character I made up's point of view."

"I see. And they just happen to be stranded out in
the middle of the universe, years from home?"


"Rather a strong coincidence. And what about the name
of the ship? Traveler?"

"Everyone uses the Traveler and its crew for their


Tom nodded impatiently. "Everyone on the quick fic

"The what?"

Tom sighed and rolled his eyes. "We set up this list,
you see."

"Who's we?"

"The Great Har-dini and me. Anyway, it's a list where
we send in our quick fics for others to read and enjoy."

"People send in stories like 'The Commander's Couch'?"


"Other people write stuff about us?"

"I told you, Chakotay, it's not us. They're fictional

"Fictional characters, my ass. Commander Chikomay and
Lieutenant Tim Maris?"

"Yeah, see? Their names are nothing like ours.
Besides, have we ever done it in your office?"

"No." Chakotay sounded slightly scandalized at the

"That proves it, then."

"Not to me it doesn't. Anyway, some of that story you
wrote, set in the holodeck, really *did* happen."

"The holodeck? Did you read my other stories?"

"I felt it was necessary."

"You opened my folder?"

"I had to."

"Damn it!" Tom tapped his finger against the computer
screen. "What does that say, Chakotay? Under the
little yellow picture of the folder?"


"Exactly! Does it say 'Chakotay' anywhere?"

"No, but..."

"Does it say, 'Tom's, but Chakotay can read it if he
feels it's necessary.'?"

"Of course, it doesn't."

"Then why the fuck did you open it?"

"I told you. I felt I had to. You're writing things
about us; I had to find out exactly what you've written."

"They are *not* about us," Tom argued.

"So you say. And another thing. What's this beta thing
that The Great Har-dini's going to send you tomorrow?"

"Oh, that means he's going to go through the story and
correct me on all my spelling and grammar mistakes.
He'll let me know of any plot inconsistencies and errors
like the one about the pants around the ankles."

"You send all your stories to The Great Har-dini?"

"He's my beta. He didn't beta 'The Delta Experience',
though. He also betas for Little Ms. Fixit and she was
in the middle of some great time travelling saga at the
time, so he just couldn't get to mine. The Anonymous
Ambassador offered instead."

"The Anonymous Ambassador? That wouldn't happen to be
Neelix, would it? And Little Ms. Fixit? B'Elanna?"

"We only go by our pen names on the fic list, so I
wouldn't know."

"Tom, it's obvious. I'll bet The Great Har-dini is
Harry Kim."

"We're not supposed to guess each other's true

"Oh, for..."

"It's one of the rules."

Chakotay sat quietly, staring at the computer terminal,
lost in thought. Tom breathed a sigh of relief. Was
the ordeal now over?


"Yes?" he answered warily.

"I don't think I like the idea of Harry Kim reading
those types of stories about us."

"How many times do I have to tell you, they're not about
us? Do we ever do anything even remotely similiar to
what Tim and Chikomay do?"

"We make love."

"Not the way they do, I can assure you."

"Are you bored with our sex life?"

"No, of course not."

"Then why are you writing this?"

"Because I have to have some sort of outlet for my
creative urges and this is fun. You should try it."

"I don't think so. I really don't want Harry to read
that, Tom."

"He has to; he's my beta." Tom hid his smile. Chakotay
had always been a little jealous of Harry. He wondered
if he should mention that he'd already put his other
stories up on the list. He decided not to.

"I think I'd better beta your stories from now on."


"Why not me?"

"Well... it's not as easy to beta as you seem to think.

"If Harry can do it, so can I."

Tom bit his lip. "But, you don't even like them."

"I didn't say that. It's just that 'The Commander's
Couch' upset me a little."


Chakotay hesitated. "It's just that... well... that
couch, Tom. People have to sit on it. You can't do
things like that in it and expect people to sit on it
afterwards. People come to me to be counseled. What
if they had to lie down, for Spirits sake?"

Tom sniggered. "They'd probably have very sticky hair."

"That's what I mean. It's... it's unthinkable."

Tom sighed. "Do you want me to say they had the couch
cleaned afterwards?"

"I suppose so." Chakotay didn't sound very sure,

"Is that the only problem you had with it?"

"Well, I wouldn't say - only. That was a very big
problem. But, now that you mention it, the scene in the
chair just isn't possible. Both of us, no matter how hard
we tried, wouldn't fit in it. The armrests would get in
the way."

"I'm fairly certain it's possible."

"I don't agree."

"Maybe we should go and test it to find out?"

"Not while it's in my office we won't. I think that's
what troubles me the most with the whole story."


"The whole concept of it. I mean... having sex in my
office. It just wouldn't happen, Tom."

"You got that right," Tom muttered.

"You know I have an open-door policy. Anybody could
walk in. I could never take the chance of being caught
like that."

"I'll make sure I have Tim lock the door."

"I can't have an open-door policy and then lock the
door, Tom."

"Chakotay, it's fiction." Tom rolled his eyes to the
ceiling. A quick karate chop to the back of the neck
could end this torture now. He seriously considered
it and then decided the repercussions wouldn't be
worth it.

"I know that, Tom," Chakotay patiently explained in
the meantime. "And please don't take this the wrong
way, but you often write scenes that are a little

"I do?" What was the *right* way to take that?

"Yes. The scene in 'The Delta Experience' is a
perfect example. Tim and Chikomay hadn't slept for
almost 48 hours. They'd gone through some very
harrowing experiences. The last thing they would have
felt like doing was having sex on that narrow little

"We had sex just the other night after working almost
36 hours straight," Tom defended hotly.

"That's true, but it was very quick and we fell
asleep immediately. You've got Tim and Chikomay going
at it for ages in all sorts of acrobatic positions.
They'd have to be contortionists."

"Most of those positions are doable."

"Not on that narrow little bunk. They'd fall off.
You've also got Tim coming three times in a row and
Chikomay twice. Surely, they'd be too tired for that.
And that's just reminded me. Tim always has more
orgasms than Chikomay. Why is that?"

"He has a very strong libido."

"Why hasn't Chikomay?"

"He has. Geez! He came twice and you just said
yourself he should be too tired to."

"But Tim climaxed three times."

Tom sighed loudly. "So, what do you want me to do?
Cut out one of Tim's or give Chikomay another one?"

"I don't think that's the kind of decision I should
be making, Tom. Besides, it's just not practical.
Aside from their tiredness, Barry and Felix are in the
front of the shuttle. You know how every little noise
is magnified in those things. There's no way we'd do
it with someone listening in."

"Well, lucky it's Tim and Chikomay and not us then,
isn't it?"

"There's no need to get huffy. You asked for my

"Did I? I don't remember that. I must have been mad.
I suppose you hated the holodeck story, too?"

"No, of course not. 'One Summer Night' was very
romantic. The only thing that concerns me is the fact
that some of that really did happen."

"So, you liked it?" Tom asked, feeling ridiculously

Chakotay nodded. "Of course. But..."

Tom closed his eyes. "I know, I know. Tim came
more times than Chikomay."

"Unfortunately, that's true, but it isn't what I was
going to say."

Tom opened his eyes again. "What then?"

"I can't help wondering what's going to happen

"You mean I should do a sequel?"

"I don't think that's necessary. You just need to
add a little bit at the end."

"Why? What did I forget?"

"You had Captain Bunway and Lumok walking in while
the program was still running. And then Tim and
Chikomay walked out hand in hand and Chikomay called
over his shoulder, 'Computer, end program'."

"What's wrong with that?"

"The Captain and Lumok will be left standing in the
empty holodeck."

Tom fought the urge to grind his teeth. "Only for a
few seconds until they brought up their own program.
I don't think anybody really cares about that. It's
not relevant to the story."

"Well, it should be. In the few seconds that they're
standing in the empty holodeck what do you think
they'll see?"

"See? The hologrid, I suppose. Does it matter?"

"Of course, it does. They'll be seeing a lot more
than that. Have you forgotten? It takes the filters
a few seconds to sweep along the holodeck and clean up.
You had Chikomay and Tim splattering their 'hot jism',
as you put it, all over the place. You had them coming
in great fountains each time, too. I don't think that's
very realistic, by the way."

Tom slowly sank his head down to rest on the desk in
front of him. "I do not believe this," he mumbled.
"I do not fucking believe this."

"Don't you see, Tom?" Chakotay patiently explained.
"Captain Bunway and Lumok would have seen great clumps
of semen all over the walls and floor."

"Of course," Tom said rather faintly. "Why didn't I
think of that?"

"Harry should have thought of that," Chakotay said
smugly. "I think this proves I'll be a better beta for
you than he is."

"It certainly proves something," Tom answered grimly,
sitting up once more and glaring at his partner.
"Do you have any words of wisdom concerning 'Stranded'?"

"Stranded? Is that the one where Chikomay, Tim, Barry
and K'Tanna are stranded on that planet?"

Tom nodded wordlessly.

"That was rather exciting, actually, but..."

"Go on," Tom said through his teeth.

"The way you described that planet, I don't think Tim
and Chikomay would have got down and done it in the dirt.
It would have been far too hot, not to mention the twigs
and stones and burrs and things. It would have been
very, very uncomfortable. And what were K'Tanna and
Barry doing while they were rolling around in the dirt?"

"Watching!" Tom almost yelled.

"Watching? I didn't read that."

"I must have forgotten to mention it."

"I don't think you should have them watching, Tom."

"Why? If they don't watch how will they get so excited
that they have to join in?"

"Join in?" Chakotay's voice rose in alarm.

"Is something wrong?" Tom asked innocently.

"I don't think Chikomay is the sort of person to be
involved in a foursome."

"Of course, he is. It's his idea, actually."

"Very funny, Tom. That's not in 'Stranded'."

Tom sighed wearily and stood up. "No, you're right.
It isn't. I think I'll go and have a quick shower and
then make us dinner."

"I'll make dinner, unless there's something you've been
working on that you'd like me to beta?"

"I don't think so," Tom answered firmly, heading towards
the bathroom.

"What's this document here? Untitled?"

"It's not finished yet. I haven't thought of a name."

"I'll read it and see if I can come up with something."

"No," Tom shouted, racing back to stop Chakotay from
looking at it.

"Why not? I *am* your beta after all."

"Since when?"

"We decided."

"No, we didn't." He bit his lip, feeling guilty, as
he saw Chakotay's face fall. "Anyway, you won't like
that. It's dark and..."

"I like dark."

"Not that, you won't."

"Why not?"


Chakotay sat there patiently, waiting for Tom to
continue. Tom sighed in resignation. "You won't like
the way I'm writing Chikomay."

"Why not?"

"He's mean and nasty."

"Why are you writing him like that?"

"Because he got hit by some sort of ray."

"What type of ray?"

"I don't know. It doesn't matter."

"Of course it matters. Depending on the..."

Tom let out a small scream. "I'm no scientist, so
I don't know what type of bloody ray, okay? I'm
ignoring that side of it. All that matters is that
he got hit with it and it somehow altered his
personality. It brought his dark side to the fore."

"How is that possible? That couldn't possibly

"For the purposes of my story, it can."

"But it can't. No one's going to believe it could

"Will you shut up, you big lunk head?"

"Honestly, Tom. You're going to have to learn how
to discuss your stories in a more mature way. I'll
bet you don't call Harry a lunk head."

"That's because he's not and you are."

"Is Chikomay the only one affected by this ray?"

"Yeah," Tom admitted sourly.

"Why was he the only one hit?"

"He was in a shuttle all by himself at the time and
nobody even knows it happened. Tim gets a real shock

"Tom, that's not..."

"I know, I know. Not very realistic. Realistically,
if Chikomay was in a shuttle he would have crashed it
before the ray could have got anywhere near him."

"That's a mean thing to suggest, Tom."

"I'm not suggesting anything. You're the one who
wants me to be realistic."

"If you're going to be this snitty every time I try
to beta I don't think I'll bother."

"Suits me," Tom snarled, heading for the bathroom
once more. He stopped in the doorway. "If you *do*
read that and then get all upset about it, don't blame
me. I warned you."

Chakotay merely grunted so Tom, glaring one last time,
stepped into the bathroom. Undressing and showering
quickly, Tom's anger grew. Damn Chakotay anyway!
Who the hell asked his opinion? Who the hell asked
him to read the stories in the first place? If he
thought he was going to let him beta any of them...
well he had another think coming to him.

Tom roughly toweled himself dry, wondering what he'd be
walking back out to. If Chakotay *had* read that story,
he was fairly certain the big guy would not be pleased.
Well, he'd warned him. He'd told him it was dark.
Serves him right!

He wrapped the towel around his waist and entered the
main room once more. Chakotay was still sitting at the
computer terminal. Tom sighed. He'd read it all right.
It had obviously shocked him into immobility.


Chakotay turned slowly towards him. "Tom." He cleared
his throat. "You know I would never... I mean... I
could never..."

Tom nodded. "I know. It's just a story, Chak."

Chakotay nodded. "I know I can be a little intimidating
at times, but... if I thought for one moment..."

"Chak, please. It's only a story."

"I'm a gentle, loving person. I'm not like that."

"Of course you're not. I'm sorry. Do you want me to
delete it?"

Chakotay shook his head. "I don't think so."

He had such a strange look on his face that Tom felt
concerned. "What can I do to make it up to you?"

Chakotay sat quietly for a few more moments and then
answered slowly. "I think you should drop that towel."


"The towel. I want it gone - now!"

Tom looked down at himself. "This towel?"

"Is there another one in the room?"

Tom looked around. "No."

Chakotay pushed back from the desk and Tom gasped.

"Where the hell are your pants?"

Chakotay smiled. "I think I passed through some
type of ray and it made them disappear."

"Now that's what a call a ray."

"Tom, I'm terribly sorry and please don't take this
the wrong way, but I'm having a small problem with
this latest story of yours."

Tom grinned. "I wouldn't call that small."

"In the interests of being a good beta, I think we need
to do some research. I don't think it's possible to sit
in this chair and go for it the way you've described in
the beginning of the story."

"You don't?"

"The towel, Lieutenant."

"Sorry." Tom quickly unhooked it and threw it over his

"That's better. Now, as I was saying, I don't think your
feet would be able to rest flatly on the floor."

"I have very long legs, Commander."

Chakotay eyed the legs in question and licked his lips.
"That's certainly true, Lieutenant, but I still think
you'll only be able to reach the floor with your toes."

"It seems we have a difference of opinion, Commander.
What can we do about it?"

"I think you should sit on my lap. Or, if you prefer,
you can lie over it."

Tom gave a small chuckle. "Sitting will be just fine.
I take it you liked the story?"

"Come here and let me show you just how much."

Tom stepped forward and then stopped. "On one

Chakotay's eyes narrowed. "What condition?"

"We leave the lights on."

Chakotay hesitated and then smiled. "What the hell?
If another starship does happen to cruise past, they
may even learn something."

Tom laughed in delight and stood directly in front of
his seated lover, his legs parted either side of
Chakotay's knees. Chakotay reached out and placed his
hands on Tom's hips. "I think it's time you sat down,
*Tim*. And I have just the place for you to sit."

He pulled him down onto his thighs and Tom sighed
happily, leaning forwards to nibble at his lover's
throat. "So, Chikomay, I take it you've got the lube?"

Chakotay laughed evilly. "Lube? Who said we'll be
using lube?"

The End.