Reminiscing in Sick-Bay
Ahhh... There you are! I was wondering when you were planning to stop by. Not a firm believer in the concept of punctuality, are you?
What? (insincere look of innocence)
Oh, nothing... Nothing at all. (cough, cough, clears throat)
Please, come into my office. Sit down, make yourself comfortable.
Can I replicate you something to drink?
Okay. One minute, I will be right back.
Here you go. I hope you like it. It‘s my own blend.
Of course it‘s decaffeinated. Caffeine is bad for you. I am a doctor, what did you expect? (glares disdainfully)
Now, how can I help you today? (polite faux interest)
What? (blinks in startled confusion)
The Commander and Lieutenant Paris? What about them?
Ohhh... (smirks viscously) That.
Well, it‘s quite simple really. The reason for the dramatic increase in the number of times they have been treated for minor injuries since that time period is because the Commander and Mr. Paris decided to engage in a romantic association.
(indignant snort) Of course that explains it! You just fail to truly appreciate the significance of that statement. To more fully understand the situation, perhaps I should elaborate on a few of the... incidents. Hmmm?... (arrogantly smug look)
Here. (taps commands into computer terminal before turning it around to display data)
This particular visit was prompted by the fact that Commander Chakotay broke the ulna bone in his left arm. It was a clean brake with no complications. (faux innocence) When I asked how he had managed to brake his arm in Mr. Paris‘s quarters, Mr. Paris informed me that the Commander (makes quote marks in the air) "fell off the bed."
On yes, I know. Wait, it gets even better. (wicked smirk)
The Commander then accused Mr. Paris of deliberately kicking him off the bed. This, of course, upset Mr. Paris no end. He responded by ripping open the front closure on his bathrobe, twirling around, and mooning both Commander Chakotay and myself with his naked buttocks. That‘s when I first saw the bite mark.
What? (amused chuckle)
Oh yes. The bite mark was situated exactly in the middle of Mr. Paris‘s right cheek and it was most definitely made by the Commanders teeth.
Well, I reknitted the Commanders bone and then I ran a dermal regenerator over the Lieutenants derriere. While I was healing their injuries I gave them safety lecture number 127-b and then I sent them on their way.
(pompous smirk) Why no, that wasn‘t the only... incident.
(taps on computer terminal again) Look at this particular case.
What? (roll‘s eyes)
You think it sounds bad, well, you should have seen them when they arrived here in Sick-Bay.
The whole thing started during an away mission. It was an uninhabited M-class planet. After the crew had harvested some of the native fruits and grain, the Captain approved a rotation of shore leave. Sounds innocent enough, right?
Well, Commander Cuddles and his favorite love toy decided to go off and have some naked fun in the sun. Going off to a clearing they had found deep in the woods, they then spent several hours rolling around in a patch of low growing ground plants that were quite poisonous.
Oh no! Not fatal! No. (blanches)
Think along the lines of Poison Ivy, which is a plant native to Earth. When a humans‘ skin comes into contact with Poison Ivy, it tends to produce a red inflamed area that becomes blistered. And it itches. This plant caused a similar reaction. However, instead of blistering, their skin became dry and flaky.
Imagine, if you will, red, swollen, itchy and flaking skin. Now imagine this all over your body, even in places you wouldn‘t want to discuss with your mother.
(nods head emphatically) Exactly! Mr. Paris even managed to get this lovely little rash internally. A gift from the Commander no doubt.
(slight frown) Although, I must admit, they were both very generous with helping each other apply the medicated cream I provided them. They used a significant amount more than I had originally considered medically necessary.
(shrugs philosophically) In any case, my treatment cured them both completely.
(roll‘s eyes in exasperation) And let‘s not forget the whole "Ball-gag" debacle.
(wipes sprayed coffee droplets off self with a faintly disgusted look)
Are you okay?...
Was it something I said?...
Oh! So sorry. Yes, I guess I should have warned you about that.
(can‘t quiet hide pleasure at shocked reaction)
Mr. Paris still maintains his position of complete and total innocence. He insists that the whole episode is both Captain Janeway and Commander Chakotay‘s fault. (snorts rudely) I, myself, find it extremely difficult to picture the Lieutenant as being "innocent" in any respect.
Huh? (blinks at interruption)
Oh, the Captain. Yes, well... Apparently she complained about the thinness of the walls between her cabin and the Commanders cabin in combination with the (clears throat) noise level when he and Mr. Paris engaged in... their more athletic entertainment. I am certain that she was very discreet about it. The Captain is the very soul of tact and grace.
It seems that, the Commander decided to take it upon himself to
fix the situation. At one point in time, he had come across a
reference to a device called a "Ball-gag", or so he says. I personally
think he had actually used them before, but that is just idle speculation. So, in an effort to keep Mr. Paris... less vocal, he replicated a Ball-gag for them to use while they... played.
Oh. Well, it‘s a solid rubber ball that is inserted in a person‘s mouth. It has straps attached that are then secured around the wearers head to prevent it from becoming dislodged.
(leers) Mr. Paris looks quiet attractive in one.
(coughs and pulls self back from subroutine glitch)
What do you mean, how do I know all this? Whom do you think they came to when Mr. Paris couldn‘t remover the device from his mouth?
(chuckles slightly) Oh yes, it really did get stuck. In his enthusiasm, the Commander pulled rather abruptly on the straps behind Mr. Paris‘s head while attempting to grasp a fistful of curls. This jammed the rubber ball far back into the Lieutenants mouth where it lodged firmly between his top and bottom set of teeth. This wouldn‘t have been a problem, except that Mr. Paris couldn‘t open his jaw wide enough to remove it.
(smirks) I did get several requests from various crew members to leave the Ball-gag in place.
(shrugs slightly) As tempting as that though was, I did manage to pry the thing out of the Lieutenants mouth. Not surprisingly, Mr. Paris was unamused by the whole embarrassing incident. He was particularly upset with the Commander. (wickedly conspiratorial grin) Mr. Paris swore that he would never let the Commander (makes quote marks in the air) "stick anything in my mouth again!" The Commander was... crushed.
(chortles with glee) Then there was the time when Mr. Paris created the Holodeck program that contained a trampoline...