Title: Behind the Wall
Note: Part I of the Stone Heart Series
Author: Kim Riley aka MYSTIC / MysticMcknight
Pairing: C/P
Rated: R
Summary: A bad month for Tom leads to new discoveries about Chakotay
and himself.
Disclaimer: Everything but the idea and the talent that went into this
is Paramonts, the rest is all mine.
Feedback: Please! Mysticmcknight@hotmail.com


"Behind the Wall"


Tom was sitting in sickbay on the biobed, again. This month was just
not turning out to be his whatsoever. As he sat there being examined
by the holo doctor, his mind flashedback to some of the highlights of
the month in question. It started when Chakotay had come back from
attempting to do negotiations with the DorShens. They looked very
humanoid, except they were a very aggressive society and they had
purple skin, hair, eyes.personally they gave Tom the shivers. A
person of great patience was needed and of course, Chakotay was
assigned the task. When he returned, he informed the senior staff
that they were to come back in about a month and the supplies would be
ready.

Janeway wasn't too happy about having to hang around this sector of
space for a whole month, but they needed the supplies, so they headed
for a near by inhabitable moon, where there was no sign of sentient
life, to relax for awhile. They should have realized that there was
a problem the first day when Chakotay actually argued with her on the
bridge. But, it was chalked upto pent up stress from having to deal
with the DorShens. Even though there was probably a private 'chat'
about it, it was quickly dismissed.

But, that wasn't the last of the Commander's odd behavior. He was
much more angry and aggressive towards the crew than ever before, but
especially Tom.

While playing pool, Tom would do what he always did to tease the sexy
man he so desired...he taunted him. He never thought he'd get
anywhere with the stoic man. So if he couldn't love him, he'd channel
all his energy into driving the man who drove him crazy, mad. That
day, Chakotay had come really close to belting him, which didn't sit
well with Tom one bit. He complained that something was wrong and
although there were promises of talking to the Commander about it, Tom
got the distinct impression that they blamed him for it and did
nothing.

Two days later, Tom had his proof. He was coming home late from
winning more of Harry's rations when he entered his quarters, calling
for lights and they didn't come on. The next thing he knew, he was
grabbed from behind and knocked to the ground. He struggled, but he
was at a disadvantage. So he concentrated on tapping his comm badge,
thankfully he managed to do so before it was ripped from his shirt.
He then felt his pants being ripped off of him and his face being
pushed hard into the rug. Though security showed up before he was
penetrated, it was still a deeply humiliating situation to be found
in. When he rolled over to see who it was that attacked him and saw
Chakotay, he knew.he knew something was terribly wrong.

He was glad he had insisted on a full physical instead of charges
being brought up when Captain Janeway and her anger, confronted him at
what her first Officer had tried to do. Everyone was surprised to
discover that the man in custody was a DorShen in disguise of the
Commander. He was completely useless in providing any information as
to what happened to the real Chakotay. Janeway was on the warpath and
headed back to retrieve her Commander. Timing couldn't have been
better, because Voyager arrived just as the real Chakotay had managed
to escape.

The DorShen government gave over some supplies in exchange for the
prisoner, but no explanation was coming forth from them as to why they
did it. Since Janeway wasn't about to go to war over a planet's
stupidity and they received enough of what they needed to move on,
they did so. Chakotay explained later that he had been captured the
second day he was there and put into some device, designed to transfer
personality and basic memories to the copy. He grabbed at straws by
focusing on a part of him that he didn't show much, his temper. He
had hoped that it would set some suspicious events into motion, but
when Janeway told him that it worked and why, the First Officer felt
totally ashamed and guilty. He apologized to Tom, then avoided him
for the next several weeks.

It was not being able to talk, tease, or even see Chakotay that made
most of this month lousy. The Commander was feeling so bad that he
scheduled himself the nightshift. Tom had thought about going to him
and trying to 'fix' things, but he didn't know what to say and the
fact that the few times he did see him unexpectantly, he flinched. He
chided himself for it over and over again, for he knew that the
Commander had seen it and it added to his reason to avoid Tom.

Janeway, thankfully, had had enough of her senior officers avoiding
each other for a situation that was no one's fault and thankfully no
one was really hurt. It was over and time to move on. She insisted
that Chakotay take his regular shift back and slowly things started to
get back to normal, on the bridge anyway. They still needed supplies
and had found two planets that had some of what they needed. One had
food, but would need a large gathering party. The other contained the
raw materials they needed to power the ship. Janeway decided to send
Tom and Chakotay down to gather the minerals, most likely her way of
making the two work it out. They then were to meet up with Voyager in
a few days so they could join in on the food gathering as well.

As far as Tom could remember, the mission had gone well, even better
than he had hoped. After about two hours he was finally able to get
Chakotay to crack a smile, it was a beautiful thing to behold. Then,
after another hour, they had gone into the whole I'm-to-blame thing
and moved on, understanding that neither of them were at fault. They
had gathered as much mineral as they could on the first day they were
there, then Tom couldn't remember anything, well not really. The
Doctor told him he was physically fine and there was no reason for
Tom's lack of memory or passing out.

According to Chakotay's report, the second day went by the same as the
first, except there was less to find. Then, while they were storing
the minerals, Tom passed out and he couldn't wake him up. He gathered
everything and headed back to Voyager. Tom was aware that he was
still sitting on the biobed. Though the Doctor found nothing unusual,
he still wanted to run more tests. Tom saw a strange look cross
Chakotay's face as he looked into the older man's eyes. He saw
vulnerability and confusion, nothing like the strong man Tom knew all
too well. He watched as Chakotay left sickbay, telling the Captain
that he'd make a full report. The Doctor had insisted he examine the
Commander, Chakotay told him no, that he was fine, but if the doctor
still insisted, he would be back later.

Tom felt something was wrong once again, because the smile was gone
from the Commander's eyes and was replaced with 'the' look. Tom even
thought about the DorShen again, but no, this was something...else.
//What a lousy month! First, Chakotay is kidnapped and his double
almost rapes me. Then the real one avoids me over misplaced guilt and
now this!// Tom didn't know why, but after seeing that look of
vulnerability, a strong wave of protection filled him.for Chakotay.
Now 'that' was new. Tom sat there, bitching and complaining till the
Doctor finally had enough of his mouth and let him go. He heard the
Doctor contact the Commander, asking him to report for a physical and
heard Chakotay say he was on his way. Tom then wished he hadn't been
dismissed, but he'd complained about going back to work, so now he had
too. //I'll talk with him after our shift,// he mused and left
sickbay.

To Tom's surprise, Chakotay didn't report back to his shift and
Janeway was called down to sickbay. Tom was really concerned now. He
sat there keeping Voyager hovering silently in orbit as his mind
hazed.like a dream that wanted to be remembered. It was of him and
Chakotay gathering the mineral, when they stumbled across a hidden
structure. The place had been abandon for generations by the look of
all the plant growth. He could see in his vision the two of them
going inside.and something happened.or did it? It didn't feel real,
yet it. Janeway walked back onto the bridge. //She doesn't look too
happy, but not too upset. I wish she'd just tell us.//

As if his thoughts had been heard, "Janeway to senior staff. Meet me
in the briefing room in twenty minutes. Janeway, out." She then
turned to Harry, "You have the con, mister Kim. Mister Paris, mister
Tuvok, I'll see you two in the briefing room in twenty minutes," she
said, then left to go to her office.

***************

Tom was seated in his chair as he watched his fellow officers' file
in. Except for Chakotay. Janeway walked in, looking reserved as she
took her seat. She briefly glanced around the table, looking at
everyone. Tom felt a shiver run down his spine. Something 'was'
wrong.

Janeway swallowed, then took a deep breath, "Commander Chakotay will
be on limited shifts for awhile," she stated as flatly as she could.
"He'll still be functioning as First Officer, he'll just be cutting
back so some of his duties will have to be redistributed. I'll have
those assignments to you all within the next few days," she said.

"What's wrong?" B'Elanna asked.

//Thank you, B'Ela. I didn't want to ask,// Tom thought. He could
see the Captain's eyes narrow, but kept her face tight, trying not to
give too much away. But to Tom, she had already given it all away.
Chakotay had to be sick or ill.or something.

"It's a private matter," she replied matter of factly. "Just know
that he's got unexpected health issues that will cause him to need
less physical activity than normal, but." she stressed. "He 'will' be
all right, though it may take.some time. He 'does not' wish to
discuss it and I for one, better 'not' hear about it on the gossip
grapevine. Even though the crew may notice a few changes, if we act
normal and accept it, they will too. That's 'all' you need to know
for now. Dismissed," she said, then left and went back to her office.

"Damn, Tom! What happened while you were away?" B'Elanna angrily
asked.

"Honestly, I 'don't' know. I was told that all was fine then 'I'
passed out. Though the Doc couldn't find a reason. But.what if
whatever made me pass out.?"

"Made him sick?" She finished for the pilot.

"Lieutenant Torres, Lieutenant Paris. We were dismissed. I believe
you both have shifts to finish?" Tuvok asked. It wasn't a question,
but a reminder. The two of them exited the briefing room to finish
their shifts.

**************

After Tom was finally off duty, he headed straight for Chakotay's
quarters. //He may not wish to talk about it, but I know there's a
problem and I can't let him face it alone.I just can't!// Tom thought
as he marched himself towards his destination with a confidence he
wasn't really sure he had. He rang the chime, once, twice.

"Enter."

Tom walked in, ready to have either his head ripped off for bothering
the Commander or an arctic breeze. Seeing Chakotay sitting on his
sofa, staring out at the stars with a blanket around his shoulders,
giving him that vulnerable quality again, shook Paris to the core. He
wanted to rush over to Chakotay and hug the man. He almost did, but
stopped himself short of the hug. "Cha, tell me.what really happened
down there? And forgive me, but the truth this time," Tom said, not
wanting to offend the man he cared so much about or the delicate
friendship they had.

Chakotay hadn't said a word since he entered the room, he briefly
glanced towards Tom then back towards the stars. At hearing Tom's
firm question, he turned his head to look at Tom once again. His
dark eyes searching the younger man's face. Tom was shocked to see
those strong dark eyes filled with emotions he had never seen before.
The strong wall known as Commander Chakotay had fallen and now only
'this' man was left.lost, confused, vulnerable.afraid? //What could
possibly be wrong that would make this man, of all people, afraid?
Heavens, what if he's dying? But, Janeway was sure Cha would be okay,
she wouldn't lie.would she? He's afraid, but mostly lost and
confused.Chakotay isn't use to those emotions. No. He was in
control, he made a decision and stuck to it.confusion meant not being
prepared to make a decision.lost.// Tom understood being lost. He'd
been lost for a long time; it was his time on Voyager and his love for
the man before him that helped him to find his way.

"Please, Cha?" He asked softly, sitting down as close as he dared. "I
'know' something is wrong and I 'know' more happened down there. I'm
getting hazed pictures, but it'll come back.did I.?" //Oh, no.did 'I'
hurt him.oh, please no!// "Did I.did I hurt you?" Tom finally asked.

Chakotay lowered his eyes and pulled the blanket tighter around him.
"You didn't hurt me, Tom," he replied, his voice just above a whisper.
"I.I just need time to think, that's all."

Tom's eyes widened, he saw it, he almost didn't believe it, but tears
were coming down the Commander's cheeks. //Oh, heavens! What
happened to you?// Tom's heart ached, he wanted to give back what
Chakotay had given him over the years, but had been too afraid to do
so. Seeing the man he loved crying, was more than he could take, he
didn't think, he didn't ask, he just acted. He slid closer and hugged
the big man tightly in his arms. "Whatever it is," he soothed. "I
won't let you go through it alone, I swear it!" he vowed, knowing this
to be true. He was a bit surprised to feel Chakotay wrap himself in
Tom's embrace, but Tom was glad. He had wanted to hold this man for
sometime, he just wished it was under better circumstances.

Tom continued to hold Chakotay, feeling slight tremors through out his
body from the soft sobs. Tom soothed his love with soft words,
caresses and didn't even think twice about a few kisses to the temple.
Soon the tremors stopped and Chakotay's embrace became stronger,
hugging back and Tom was delighted. "It's going to be okay," he
soothed again, placing another soft kiss on Chakotay's forehead. He
then noticed dark eyes looking up to meet his own, searching.finding.
Tom saw a spark of the man he knew so well, a decision had been made
attitude. Tom felt Chakotay's lips caress his own, kissing them
gently, lovingly. Tom couldn't help but to respond, he had wanted to
do this for years. But, Tom didn't want to take advantage of
Chakotay, no matter how much he wanted him. After a few minutes, he
broke the deep kiss.

"Cha, I don't want to take advantage of you. Don't get me wrong, I
have wanted to kiss you for years," he smiled a bit bashfully. "But,
I 'won't' take advantage of this moment. I want you to know you can
trust me. That I'll be here for you, that it'll be safe.I swear," he
vowed once again.

"Oh, Thomas Eugene Paris.I believe you. I too have had deep feelings
for you as well, but.I was too stubborn," he let out a sigh. Tom
could see all this emotion was draining on the man who everyone
considered to have 'it' all together.

Chakotay pulled back from the embrace. "I was about to make a
decision on my own, but." he looked away towards the stars again, then
got up from the sofa, pulling the blanket around him tighter, like it
was body armor.

"But what? Cha, tell me what's wrong, please?" Tom urged.

Chakotay turned to face Tom though he didn't meet his eyes. "But...I
understand now that perhaps the decision isn't mine alone."

Now Tom was really confused. "Cha, please?" Tom urged again, hoping
for more information so he could help his love.

Chakotay let out a sigh. "You're right something 'did' happen on the
planet, though it 'wasn't' your fault. Even though I don't know 'all'
the details, though.I do remember some of it." Chakotay moved away
from Tom, the blanket couldn't get any tighter around his body.

Tom's face paled as he stood. "Are you 'sure' I didn't hurt you?" he
asked again, fear filling his soul.

At this, Chakotay turned to face Tom, another spark of his strength
showing. "Spirits, Tom! No. No, you didn't hurt me. We..." the
spark softened some, but still there. In its place was warmth. "We
made love," he whispered warmly, though unsure of how Tom would react.

"We did?" Tom asked, bothered at not being able to remember his first
time with the beautiful man before him. //Now 'this' is just unfair!
I finally get to make love with him and I can't even remember it,//
his mind snapped at the situation.

Chakotay smiled. "Yes. Although, I don't remember what brought it on
or all the details, but I do remember your warmth," he said as he
stepped closer to Tom. "Your gentle caresses, your love," he finished
inches away from Tom. "It was love, Tom. I was fairly sure then, but
now, after that kiss, 'I know'," he smiled. "It was beautiful, I'm
only sorry you don't remember it.but, that was my doing," he said
somewhat ashamedly, then moved back from Tom.

"How?"

"When we woke up in the shuttle and no, I don't remember how we got
there, you were sleeping, so was I. I ran a medical examine on me,
then you, then on me again. I.I wanted to deal with it myself.I
panicked and so slipped you an inhibitor, so you'd block out what
happened, at least for awhile. I thought I could handle the matter
and when you remembered.if there was anymore to happen between us,
there would be.no problems." Chakotay said, still not looking at the
young man.

"Cha, you have me at a total loss now. You say we made beautiful love
and I do believe that," the young man said as he moved up behind the
man he now could express his love to. "But.what caused you to panic?
What problem? Please, Cha. I swear I'll stand by you, I won't judge
you." Seeing Chakotay still wouldn't look at him, he felt the need to
make his point. He quickly stepped around to look Chakotay in the
eyes, holding him firmly so the big man couldn't turn away unless he
put up a fuss, which he didn't. "Damn it, I've loved you for years.
I love you so much I'd do anything and I do mean anything for you to
prove it. Please, trust me enough to help you with this.what matter?
What problem?" Tom insisted, his face flushed with passionate
concern.

Chakotay stared into Tom's eyes, searching. "I'm pregnant," was all he
said, not blinking once.

Tom, on the other hand, blinked several times. "Cha.that's.that's
impossible.isn't it?"

"Up until today, I'd be the first one to agree with you, but.well it's
been confirmed. I am pregnant, with twins."

Tom was floored until the words, 'not just my decision' hit him. "I'm
the.father?" he asked, not knowing any other way to put it.

Chakotay was finding more of his old strength being near Tom. "Yes. I
had the doc check the DNA, though.I did ask him to keep that from the
Captain. Right now, she thinks it's some form of osmosis," he smiled
a bit impishly.

Tom grinned for a moment then sobered; "You weren't going to tell me?"

"I'm sorry, Tom. This whole thing has me so off balanced, I couldn't
think straight and that's what I really wanted, a chance to think.
Plus, I didn't want to put you in an uncomfortable position.I mean I
just."

"Was doing what you always do," Tom snapped lightly. "Take the entire
burden onto your own shoulders. But love, you can't do that all the
time, especially with this," he finished warmly. "Have 'you' made any
decisions?"

"Though the Captain didn't express it and will respect my wishes, I
could tell she wants me to have them. However, the Doctor told me it
would be a serious stain on my health, being I'm up there in age and I
have to take hormone shots and.well, damn...it won't be an easy nine
months by a long shot. Especially carrying twins," he smiled.

Tom's eyes beamed at seeing Chakotay glow even at the thought of all
the hassle and difficulties bearing the twins would be. "Cha," he
began softly.

"What?"

"I love you and if 'you' decide to do it, I very much would like to be
apart of 'our' children's lives," he smiled his heart all aglow.

Chakotay looked at the young man before him and saw him, really saw
the strong loving capable man he always knew was there, shining
brightly before him and his old soul felt totally loved. "Knowing how
you feel makes this easier. Yes, I do want 'our' children," he
smiled. "I'm just.I mean, I've thought about fatherhood, but this was
never in the plan," he laughed softly. "I don't know how I'm going to
handle all this and all my duties?"

"Didn't the Captain tell you?" Tom asked.

"Tell me what?"

"She's put you on restricted duty, she only told the senior staff and
we're not to discuss that you have a 'health' problem, though she
wouldn't tell us anything."

Chakotay was slightly annoyed, but he knew it was done out of concern
for him. "Well, either she was hedging her bet or she knew me better
than I did," he smiled, letting Tom know he wasn't too bothered by it.
"I.I wasn't sure, you see," he said, looking away from Tom. "I
really should have talked to you sooner.but."

Tom took Chakotay's chin in his hands and let dark eyes meet blue.
"Yes," he smiled, "You should have, because if this situation was
reversed, I 'know' that is what you would have told me. I also know,
you would tell me that what has passed is gone, what is.is. I love
you, Chakotay and now that I know you love me too, I won't let you
down or let you go," Tom said then leaned in and kissed Cha deeply on
the lips. When he leaned back, he grinned, "It's coming back. The
way you taste, smell.but how about a refresher course anyway?" he
teased.

"Well, it's not like I can get pregnant again," the older man teased
back.

As the two walked arm in arm to the bedroom, "Cha, I'm kind of glad I
got to see behind that wall of yours. To see the love. To see that
you need me as much as I do you, and that you can be just a vulnerable
as I can. To know just how human your are, for I loved you before,
your stoic qualities, your self control, but knowing what I know now,
I love you even more now," he stated softly kissing his love.

"Well, I'm glad too. Keeping up such barriers usually meant keeping
people out and I'm so glad you're in," he replied, gazing deeply into
Tom's eyes. "Your wall has come down too, you stopped hiding like I
did. You risked your heart to tell me what you felt; you showed the
strength I knew was lurking back there. It only goes to show that
there is so much more to both of us behind our walls."

Tom smiled broadly. "So, Papa," he teased. "How about we go knock some
more walls down, if you think the tots can handle it?"

"I don't see why not? They are part Paris. They'll probably thrive
on the chaos of it all.Dad." He grinned ear to ear.

"Hey, I resemble that remark." He kissed back, laying himself and
Chakotay onto the bed to make love and start the beginning of a whole
new life together...


Continued in Another Brick from the Wall.