Title: Chak and the BeanStalk
Author: Kim R. a.k.a. MYSTIC / Mysticmcknight
Paring: C/P
Rating: R (some language)
Disclaimer: I don't own any of them, for if I did, the show's would have
been a lot different and not going off the air. Meaning, I get nothing out
of this but the fun of writing it.
Note: This is part of my "Cracked Tales" series, most of which are
Julian/Garak based and found on Fcanon and soon QsMistress and my site
www.slashheaven.com (I have takes on Cinderella, Rumplestilskin,
Puss-N-Boots, Little Red Riding hood, and Goldie locks and the three bears)
Archive: If you let me know where first.
Feedback: Oh please!

"Chak and the Beanstalk"

It had been a day like any other day in the small village of Voyager when
out of no where a dark shadow cast over the village and the people stood
still in fear. When the unknown darkness had vanished the people of the town
didn't notice at first anything wrong, but soon discovered to their horror
their prized golden boy had been stolen. Though they searched high and low,
under every rock, nook, and cranny, and a few places outside of town, they
took to despair that their golden boy, Tom Paris was gone for good.

Tom Paris had been many things to the small village. Besides being the
Royal pain in the ass, he was also the light that kept the village enriched
with hope when all seemed hopeless. He was known as their golden boy, not
only for his fair looks and golden silk curls that donned his head, but
because his heart, when he loved, was as pure as gold. He could see past any
transgression anyone in the village could have done and was always the first
to lend a hand or stand in the way of trouble, no care to himself. He loved
the people of the village even if they always didn't seem to love him.

It didn't take long for Voyager to fall on hard times without their golden
boy to keep their spirits strong. The people of the village were without
hope, even the land itself was drying up as if it too lost its very spirit
to live. The people in desperation turned to their Mayor Kathryn Janeway, a
strong and heady kind of woman to do something.anything.

That evening Janeway met with her assistant mayor Chakotay and discuss
their options.

"As much as B'Elanna needs milk for the baby she and Harry are having, the
village needs food, so I don't see much choice," Janeway stated as dryly as
the land out side.

"Well, I guess I'll have to take old Kes to the nearest town and see what I
can get for her. Then I'll bring back as much as I can, Okay?" Chakotay
stated, he too feeling the despair of losing Tom. The young man may have
always got on his nerves, but he kept Chakotay on his toes and his spirit
alive, like he did for everyone else in Voyager. Chakotay knew that he loved
the young man, but never showed his interest; feeling that Tom could have
his choice of so many his own age, it would be wrong for the older man to
even consider the idea. "I'll go first thing in the morning."

The next morning Chakotay did as he said he would. He harnessed Kes and
headed out of town. It would take the whole day to reach the nearest place
he could sell the old girl and get back again, but for the sake of the
people he was more than willing to make the journey. He was less then three
hours into his trip when out of nowhere a strange man jumped up from behind
a small stone wall and cheerfully called out.

"Hey, Big fella! What's you doing with the cow?" the tall lean dark haired
man asked.

Chakotay eyed the stranger carefully. It didn't help that the tall lean dark
haired man was wearing purple lipstick, but Chakotay didn't want to be rude,
so decided to answer the man. "I'm taking her to the next town to sell her
for food and other provisions," he stated as he continued his way by the

Again, the stranger jumped up and moved till he was in front of Chakotay.
//Damn he's fast,// Chakotay thought having not seen the man run around him.
"Is there a problem? " he asked.

"Problem? Why yes.yes there is a problem. You need to sell a cow and I
have something to trade for it," the lean man grinned. "By the way, my
friends call me Q, but your going to call me Mister aren't you?"

"Look, Mister."

"See, just like I told you," Q quipped. "Now your going to get all
frustrated and try to walk by me without even hearing me out," he stated
with a wry grin.

Chakotay stopped, he 'was' just about to do that, but a part of him inside
didn't like the idea of making this stranger right about anything, so he
stopped and turned to face him. "No. Now what do you want?" he said flatly.

"Why, just like I said. I want to trade with you?" Q replied innocently,
too innocently.

"Trade what?" Chakotay asked, trying to give this man the benefit of the

"Why, only this," Q stated as he pulled out a dark blue velvet bag with a
golden string. Then he opened it and gently let fall into his had what
appeared to be three lima beans dried out.

Chakotay looked at the man as if he lost his marbles, "three dried
shriveled up beans for Kes? You've either been out in the sun too long or
you think I was born yesterday," he snorted.

"Hey, Chuckles, lighten up. These aren't ordinary beans. They're magical.
Plant them at night and by the ray of the moon you'll have a fantastic."

"Cut the crap! I wasn't born yesterday, and I'm not that stupid. So if you
don't have any real money or anything of value, stop wasting my time!"
Chakotay shouted. He waited only a second before giving a disgruntled look
and started down the path to the town, but not before hearing the strangers

"Jack may have been stupid, but in the long run he was a lot brighter than
you are.Chak!"

Since it had been a long day already and he had a lot more of it to go, his
temper was on the flare as he whirled around only to come face to face with
the stranger who was holding a strange devise in his hands. Before he could
say anything a light shot out form the devise and he was out cold.

When he woke up on the side of the rode there was no sign of Kes or the
stranger that took her. To his fury he got up and raved a bit till he
noticed at his feet the dark velvet blue bag and picked it up. "Great!" he
stated as he grasped the tiny bag in frustration. "Their just going to love
this," he mused darkly as he started back to Voyager.


"What! Magical beans! Are you stupid or something? Do you actually.."

"Now wait one damn minute here," Chakotay roared back at Kathryn. "You
don't actually think for one second that I would trade Kes our only source
of income for.for.that.do you?"

Janeway wanted to say yes.damn she wanted to say yes. It made a lot mores
sense than the story Chakotay had told her, but all the years knowing the
strong stoic man beside her, she couldn't. "No," she finally conceded.

"Kathryn, if I knew that, I'd know what to do now.but I don't." he stood
and paced for a few moments. Now there wasn't even a cow to give milk and
the people were worse off then ever. In his frustration he grabbed the tiny
bag and tossed it out his window not caring where they landed. "I'll go to
the town tomorrow and see if I can do some extra work or something," he
stated coolly.


"No, Kathryn. It's my fault that we lost Kes and I have to do something.
I'll head out tomorrow. Just do your best to keep everyone together, okay?"

Sadly she knew he was right. "Okay," she agreed and with a warm hopeful
hug, she left for her home.

Chakotay went to bed only from exhaustion, but still had every intention of
getting up early before anyone else knew about what had happened and get


Chakotay woke up early long before the sun would shine and was gathering
some coffee when he noticed a large leaf peeking in his widow. He looked out
and saw it was attached to something large in his back yard. He moved out to
investigate and to his surprise saw a thick large stalk. //Magical?// he
queried to himself. He moved closer with caution and saw that it was a
beanstalk. //I'll be damned! That stranger was right.they were magical!// he
was going to run and tell Kathryn when it occurred to him. //Just what good
is a tall thick stalk?// he turned and looked up. The stalk went high into
the dark sky. //Perhaps I should see what bounty this stalk has to offer
before making any boasts,// he thought critically.

He quickly went back inside and got dressed and grabbed his backpack. He
didn't' know what he'd find, so he didn't have anything in it so he could
carry what he found back in it. He moved to the thick stalk and with sheer
determination and a whole lot of curiosity he started to climb up. He didn't
get very far and with no sign of anything he was going to go back down when
something sparkled up above just out of clear sight. Being that it wasn't
that much farther he decided to climb some more, but when he got to where he
though he saw the glitter there was nothing, till he spotted it again, just
a few feet higher. After being disappointed twice more, he didn't scurry
after the glitter the third time he spotted it. He looked around and saw how
high up he was.//Damn!//

He could just spot his house from where he was only because the sunlight
was just hitting it. //Forget this. I have to get to the other town and get
some work.this is foolish!// he thought to himself. He started down when he
felt something strange underfoot. He shifted and looked down and saw a
wooden sign. "That wasn't there a moment ago," he said to no one but
himself. He moved closer and read the sign.

*If I have to be anymore subtle about this, I'm going to hit you on the
head with this sign. Now get up the damn beanstalk Chak!*

"This is ridiculous!" Chakotay stated and took two steps down when
something hit him on the head. When he looked up there was another sign.

*Didn't think I do it, did you? Well, I did. Now get climbing Chuckles!*

Chakotay debated this a moment, but whatever kind of power was behind all
this was beyond his reasoning and started back up the stalk. He was ten
steps up when he crossed another sign.

*Smart boy!*

Chakotay gave a small growl and continued his way up the beanstalk. It was
almost noon when he reached what he thought was the top, for he had even
surpassed the clouds and there was no place to go. He moved around and too
his amazement spotted a castle. //Buildings in the sky? What next, ships
that sail the stars?// He wasn't sure, but he cautiously took a step and to
his surprise felt solid ground. He let go of the beanstalk and took another
step. All was well. He then started toward the castle when.he fell.

For a brief moment he felt his heart in his throat, but he didn't really
fall that far, not as far as he first though he would being he was in the
sky. He reached out and found something wooden to lean on and used it to get
up. it was another sign.

*Watch your step*

"A little late, don't you think," he snapped quietly. He took a few more

*Sorry, but no one's perfect!*

Chakotay snorted his minor amusement. Then he noticed that this sign had
some fine print on it and moved closer to read it.

(*and if you believe that, I have this lovely bridge in Brookland you can
buy real cheap*)

But all Chak could think was what would he do with a bridge in Brookland
since he didn't even know where Brookland was. With a shrug he moved onward
to the castle.

The place was huge and he felt like a child compared to the size of the
building much less the door. He examined the area and saw a section where
the wood had been broken out and with a bit of effort could squeeze through.
Figuring that this journey was meant to be, and he didn't relish getting
another sign hitting him on the head, he moved inside.

The place inside smelled awful. He moved in quickly and quietly, and
noticed that this door led straight to the kitchen and whatever being that
dwelled here sure couldn't cook. Everything was five to ten times his size.
He moved slowly listening and heard some squawking from another room. He
moved to check it out.

Inside the castle he didn't see any doors to any of the room and didn't
hear anything besides the squawking. As he grew closer to the sound he was
sure it sounded like a goose. He carefully peeked around the corner and to
his amazement, it was a goose. Chakotay moved inside the room slowly and
noticed that it was very nicely decorated for a foul pen. "Why would anyone
decorate a room for a goose," he asked softly, not expecting an answer and
jumped ten feet when he got one.

"I'm not just any goose! I'm the goose that laid the golden egg.sheesh where
have you been?" the goose snapped.

"A talking goose?"

The goose ignored the remark, "Hey, aren't you a little old to be playing

Chakotay shook his head not quite sure what to make out of this situation.
Then deciding to meet it head on placed his hands on his hips, "First off my
name isn't Jack it's Chak." but he was cut off.

"Oh, oh! That's right.script change. One moment," the goose stated and
reached under him and pulled out some papers stabled together. "Ah.yes,
Chak. Sorry, sorry, didn't mean to mess this one up," he shouted upward.
Then he cleared his throat. "Yes. I'm the goose that laid the golden egg and
fascinated the giant till." he looked down to the papers and read, "till the
giant found another fancy. The singing Harp of Truth.Chak will look at goose
strangely.oh, never mind, that's stage direction." Then he cleared he throat
again and looked at Chakotay waiting.

Sure enough, Chakotay was looking at the goose strangely. "Um.I'll be going
now," he said slowly and backed up not wanting to turn his back to this
foul-feathered freak.

"Hey, Chak. Since we've already broke script.do me a favor? On your way
back out could you bring me some preparation H? Laying these eggs does a
dozy to my butt.if you know what I mean."

Chakotay decided to forget caution and turned and ran out as fast as he
could. Not paying too much attention he realized he moved farther inside the
castle rather then back to the kitchen. He was about to turn around when
another sound caught his ear. It sounded like a high pitched metal whine
with a vibrant beat. He moved toward it, unsure of what he might find.

He got to another room and saw that the walls were covered in mixed colors,
and rainbows and flowers painted on the walls. He moved in and saw beads
hanging from the wall and the window. He looked around and saw that the
sound was coming from a large golden harp that had the sculpture of a woman
on the front and she was wearing a red bandana and dark shades. There was no
one around the harp but its strings were vibrating as if being plucked and
the tone was base and wild. Then it stopped and the glasses on the sculpture
just raised, even if no hands moved. "Hey, are you the new." she leered him
up and down, "script boy?" she smiled.

"Ah.no," Chakotay stated, unsure how to respond to all this.

"Too bad, sexy. We could make beautiful music together if you know what I
mean," she winked. Then let the glasses fall back down. "So.who are you and
what do you want?"

"Um.I'm Chak." again he got cut off.

"Chak! Chak!" the harp yelped. "Why didn't anyone tell me we were on!" she
shouted. "Hey, look behind you!" she shouted again.

Chakotay turned to see what the harp was referring to and at the same time
he did a strange melodic tone filled the air. When he turned back around,
the room looked like that of a royal princes, soft whites and pinks. The
harp was now all nestled on a large red pillow and the sculpture looked
every bit the picture of innocence.

"Ah, what just happened here?" he asked.

"Just stick with the program," she whispered.


"I'm the Harp of Truth" she sang, her tone and pitch lovely as the sun was
warm. "I was taken by the giant to ease him but he has lost interest in me
and found another.the Golden Boy," she sang, giving Julie Andrews some

"Golden boy? Tom? Tom's here?" he asked now excited.

"Yes.yes he is here. The giant heard of his golden heart and captured him,
hoping to win that heart. But alas, the giant can not take what Tom has
already given away long ago," she chimed out. Then she had a slight coughing
spasm. "water!" she rasped.

Chakotay turned around and saw a pitcher and a glass and moved quickly to
fill it. Then he brought it over to the harp and handed it to her. She
glared at him as she continued coughing. Then it dawned on him.no hands. He
lifted the glass to her lips and she took a big swallow and spitted it right
back into his face.

"I said water not a martini!" she snapped, but her coughing spasm had

Chakotay wiped his face and placed the glass back where he found it. He
took a deep breath and tried to forget what crazy stuff was happening and
turned back to the harp. "You said Tom was here.where can I find him? And
what do you mean he gave his heart away.he's in love?" he asked, regretting
the question as soon as he spoke the words, for a big part of him didn't
want to know.

"Yes, he's here, next room!" she snapped, didn't even bother trying to

Chakotay realized that he should leave while the leaving was good and with a
thank you moved out of the room. Two steps out the door a metallic sound hit
his ears and the sheer pain made him whirl around. The room he just left was
now all black and red neon lights glowed. //I just don't want to know,// he
thought and moved as quickly down the large hall as he could.Tom was there.

He moved in side the next room and saw this room was decorated with nothing
but the finest silks and velvets. He spotted up toward the ceiling a large
golden cage over half the size of the room. He was going to shout out when
he heard heavy footsteps heading his way. He looked around and spotted the
long dark cloth that draped a near by table. He dashed for it and just
tumbled under it when the footsteps entered the room. He moved quietly to
peek and see what it was.

He was stunned. The creature was huge, with funny spots and fluffs of hair
sticking out of his head and face. He wasn't human looking even for a giant.
Then he spotted from his new position something.no someone moving in the
cage. It was Tom!

"Ah, my sweet. You haven't eaten your leola root stew. If you don't eat my
sweet you may get sick again.and we don't want that now do we?" the giant
asked softly. Too softly, Chakotay thought he'd be sick just form the sugar
overdose in this guys voice.

"Oh, Neelix my sweet," Tom stated back, just as warmly, that Chakotay had
to do a double take just to make sure he was hearing things right. "To be
perfectly honest with you, this.well, this sucks." Chakotay grinned.
//that's my Tom!// he thought warmly. //Ah, but he isn't our Tom, now is
he?// another part of him said. //Shut up and let the narrator do her job,
will you?// he retorted. //Fine, see if I help you out in a crisis again,//
the voice pouted back and then became quiet. Chakotay turned back to pay
attention to the scene before him.

"Oh, my sweet Tom. Don't be that way, love. Leola root is very nutritious
for you and you need all the nutrition you can get right now. Soon you'll be
all better and then we'll be able to get married just like I planned."

//Married!!// Both voices in Chakotay's head shouted.

"Ah, sweet, sweet, thick headed, Neelix. You've been spending too much time
in your kitchen smelling the fumes from those concoctions you've been
whipping up again, if you think I'm going to marry you. I told you. I love
someone else, and my heart belongs to them and no one else," Tom warmly
smirked at the dim witted giant. Though he couldn't be too dim or Tom would
have been out of this prison long ago.

Tom looked up and quietly replied, "Oh yeah, and miss being rescued? Not on
your life, babe."

Of course, Chakotay didn't hear that.

Neelix growled, "Bah! You will be mine, for I shall find this Chakotay and
crush him to pieces and then.then there will be nothing and no one to keep
us apart."

"Chakotay or no Chakotay, you have a better chance being a snow ball in
hell then me ever being with the likes of you.sweetie," Tom quipped.

Neelix looked very pained and hurt and leaned in close to the cage, "Ah,
Tom.that wasn't very nice. You asked me to do this role for you."

"Neelix, it's just part of the script, don't take it personally," Tom

"Oh," Neelix said as he moved back and opened his mouth but he didn't say

"We shall see," Tom whispered.

"Oh, yeah. We shall see, my sweet. We shall see!" he roared angrily and
stormed out of the room.

Chakotay waited till he was sure the coast was clear. As he waited he
couldn't but help be overjoyed. Tom loved him! //Oh my love, so many year
I've wanted you,// he thought. /Oh, for crying out loud! Don't get goopy
on us!// the other voice stated. //You know, if you keep that up, people
are going to think this is Sybil and the Beanstalk not Chak and the
Beanstalk.now shut up!//

With is other voice firmly in place, Chakotay moved out and softly shouted,

Tom moved to the edge of the cage, his face glowed with joy at seeing the
man he loved. "Chak! I knew you'd come for me!"

"I'm glad you knew, for I didn't have a clue," Chakotay stated. "But the
real question is.how do I get you out of there?"

Tom looked puzzled, "Don't you have a plan?"

"Plan? Plan! Up till a few hours ago, I didn't even know this place
existed. Now I'm up in a castle in the sky that dwells a fury spotted giant
that wants to marry you.by the way, we need to talk about that, and a
talking goose and Harp! Plan.oh, yeah.I've got a plan.not!"

Tom pouted. "I'm very disappointed in you, Chakotay."

"Chakotay! Did you say Chakotay?" Neelix shouted as he suddenly came in, as
if lurking around the corner, which he was waiting for his cue.

"No, he said he was very disappointed, but he'd be O' K' A' Y," Chakotay
stated easily, deciding to go with the flow. He walked up to the giant and
stuck his hand out, "Harry Kim, Tom's best friend. I heard congratulations
are in order. I hope the two of you are going to be very happy together," he
stated as he shook the big beings hand. Then he looked at Tom. "Well, I'd
like to stick around for the wedding, but I have things to get back too, a
wife and child to be to care for. Nice seeing you again, Tom" he stated and
walked out.

Tom and Neelix stood there dumbfounded.

"Ah, Tom.does this mean we have to get married?"

"I can't believe he left me here," Tom stated in shock. "Chak, this isn't
funny!" he shouted, but there was no reply. After a few minutes Tom banged
his head against the golden bars, "Neelix let me out of here!" he growled
though his tone was filled more with defeat.

"Um, the script says.."

"Ah.duh! If you haven't figured it out, we blew that a mile back.please?"

Neelix looked hurt again, but could sympathize with the young man, "yeah, I
kind of got that. Just for the record, the cage isn't locked. I was too
afraid I'd loose the key," he replied.

Tom opened the cage and with Neelix's help got down.

"Now what?" Neelix asked. "I'm still big and your still.small, and we're
not back on Voyager.the ship that is?"

"Don't have a clue," Tom stated. Then he looked up, "Now what?"

"Hey, I'm just the writer.you guys kicked me to the curb a while back. Till
you get to the proper ending, you're not only on your own, but stuck
here.them's the break!"

"Great, just great!" Tom cried out. "I have to go find Chak," he stated and
ran out from the room and headed toward the kitchen in hopes of catching the
big man.

He stopped short when he got to the Harps room and heard party music
wailing. He looked inside and to his amazement, the entire cast was there
getting down.except him and Neelix. He moved in and found Chakotay now
dressed in a sixties all white leisure suit, looking fine with the long
silver peace medallion around his neck, and dark shades on his face. Kathryn
was all in hip fringe with a flower painted on her cheek and wearing tall
black leather go-go boots. The harp was wailing the base as Q thundered the
drums and the goose bellowed out Step-n-wolf's born to be wild.

Tom couldn't believe his eyes, "What the hell is going on here!" he shouted.
Just then the music stopped an every one stared at him. Chakotay moved over
to the blond and placed an arm around his shoulder, "Chill my brother, we're
just grooven to the beat, baby. Don't fret like the man.get with the rhythm
and let our souls intertwine like the Age of Aquarius."

"Chak, I don't know what you've been smoking, but knock it off. I was just
told by the writer that if we want out of here, we have to get back on
script and reach the predetermined ending.got it?"

"Real bummer, baby. Oh well," he sighed and turned to every one else in the
room. "Tom said the man is coming down heavy and we have to square it if we
want out of this pig farm."

"Hey, I'm in no hurry," Kathryn purred as she saddled up to Chakotay and
Tom. "That means I don't have to go back and play iron maiden."

"Get in black leather and grab a few chains and you can play iron maiden
with me anytime you want," Q said in a husky voice moving up behind the
small slender woman.

Tom groaned as he watched Janeway become lost in Q's arms as they started
talking about leather cuffs, whips and other things he really didn't want to
know about.

"Hey, Papa! You've been preaching the word of the man.are we going to rock
this joint or mellow out?" the goose shouted as he puffed his weed.

Tom turned to see Neelix come in with several trays of food, "You know, I
might just marry you just to get out of this place," he stated. Then he
felt large familiar hands wrap around his waist.

"What's the matter, baby. Don't believe in free love?" Chakotay purred as
he nuzzled Tom's neck.

Tom sighed, his frustration was now getting the better of him as he felt
tears stinging his eyes. "Yes, I do.but. but this 'isn't' the way this is
suppose to go," he replied, a slight cry in his tone.

Chakotay realized that Tom was about to break down and moved around and
hugged him lovingly. "Don't worry, baby. We can still make it work, you'll
see," he said reassuringly. Then he leaned back and looked around. "All
right peeps! We have to get with the program. This was fun, but we've messed
around long enough, and we're not doing justice to Tom who helped set this
up.all right?"

A lot of murmurs of agreement filled the room as everyone started slipping
away back to where they belonged. Then Chakotay kissed Tom softly. "Now, go
back to your cage and I'll be there in a few minutes to rescue you.okay?"

Tom glowed with joy.he was going to get his dashing hero to save him after
all. "Okay," he replied lovingly.

But before he got to the doorway everything faded but the cast as the
surrounding area turned black.

"What's going on?" Neelix asked almost in a panic.

Tom and Chakotay huddled together as did Kathryn and Q as the goose did
with the Harp. "I have a bad feeling about this," Chakotay stated as he
placed a protective arm around his love.

"That's right, Chak. Your time is up and I'm tired of writing this silly
story. So.back to Voyager with you all. Tom, you'll just have to wait for
another story for Chakotay to rescue you. And next time.stay on script!"

With that said a chorus of "Yes, Sir!" filled the room then one by one the
characters faded away. Last but not least was Tom and Chakotay. Tom gave
Chak a kiss, "till next time, love," then faded away.

Chakotay looked up, "Just for the record, I stayed on script till it was
just too far off."

"I know. Don't worry. I have lots of fun things for you and Tom planned.
So.off with you till later."

Then Chakotay faded out and all was black and blank. Then the writer moved
down to the very last line of the script.

And wrote.

<The END>