Author: Kim Riley a.k.a. MYSTIC
WARNING: SOME SECTIONS OF THIS STORY HAVE GRAPHIC DESCRIPTIONS THAT
MAY PROVE DISTURBING
Disclaimer: The characters belong to Paramount. Again since they are
no longer using them I've decided to take our boys out of the 'closet'
and let them play and be happy. Enjoy.
Summary: Sometimes the smallest things can set off great chain of
events, for good and for bad
Rating: R for language and sex
Pairing: Chakotay/ Paris
Notes: The poem "If Only" was written me. The song "Kiss Me Softly"
is off the new Journey album- Arrival; they own it, all of it, so
please respect that. Thanks
I'm not sure what woke me up, for when I did come around, it was
still quiet in sickbay, and Chakotay's condition hasn't changed, none
the less, I was glad I awoke, for just then the Doc entered in to tell
me to go back to my quarters and rest. It wouldn't have been a good
idea for him to catch me snoozing with my head on Chakotay's chest. I
nod yes and head back to Chakotay's quarters my home away from my
quarters. It's the only place I feel welcomed, and the fact that no
one knows I'm there adds to the safe feeling it gives me.
I've kept my stuff to a minimum, for I know that once Chakotay
is up and about again, I'll have to leave.since he didn't really
invite me in the first place. After getting ready for bed, I lay in
his bed and let the stillness surround me; it's then that I get that
feeling again. The one that tells me something is out of place. It
really hasn't gone away, but it comes back in waves, and right now its
very strong, something bad is going to happen, and Chakotay is
involved. I just wish I knew what it was, for after all he's done for
me, I want to at least protect him if I can't love him.
I make myself comfortable as I can and I try to sleep, I'm
excited and nervous, for I get to return to duty tomorrow. Had that
accident during the simulation not occurred, I'd be full of
confidence, but it did and the crew died for I couldn't do my job. But
the new design of the chair is suppose to change that.it did on the
holo deck, will it really work when it counted? My mind won't shut up,
and normally I'd toss and turn, but that's out, so I try to focus on
Chakotay, he always has had a strong effect on me, either by calming
me, or working me into overload. After a few minutes I feel sleep upon
It feels so good to behind the helm again! The chair seems to
be working great and the Captain and those who count are pleased with
my performance today. The only thing that made this day better was
when the EHM contacted the Captain and informed her that Chakotay was
awake and doing well. That's all he said, and till I get off shift,
that's all I know, but it's made my day top rate!
We're in a section of space that makes it easy for us to keep
hidden from the Borg, who is still out there looking for us, so I can
easily take note of others on the bridge. It is then that I see the
tension and the despair. It occurs to me that I've been so full of my
own problems and concern over Chakotay that I didn't notice that I'm
not the only one suffering the from what happened to the Commander.
I let this penetrate my hazed brain and I realize just how
much Chakotay is the soul of this ship. He may not have started out
that way, but it didn't take long for others to draw from his
limitless source of strength, much like I've done. Chakotay has an
irresistible charm that draws people to him and with little effort on
his part commands peoples best and their loyalty. He's a born leader
with a heart of gold, and I realize that to some degree we've all
fallen in love with him.how could we not?
Well, since I know it's my fault that Chakotay has been taken
away from them, it's the least I can do to help bring him back.all the
way back. Not just the walking shell, that he's trapped in, but that
spark that is so bright that it has become our beacon of hope out here
in the Delta quadrant. It's amazing that something so small, so tiny
that you can't really measure it can make monumental differences. What
ever it is that is missing, I vow this very minute to get it back.for
"How do you feel?" I ask, still feeling guilty that all this
has happened because of me.
"I feel.fine," Chakotay replies, just as he did before, half
there, half not. At least he's stopped that damn one liner about
wanting an access code.
"Do you know what happened?" I ask, risking getting closer to
him, not because I'm afraid of him, on the contrary, I'm more afraid
that I'll hug the stuffing out of him.
I watch him look around, and I can almost see a spark of
emotion in his eyes, but it quickly disappears and then he looks at
me, "Yes. The Borg captured us, but you got a way, I did not. You
managed to get me back to Voyager. I was.assimilated." Then he tips
his head, and looks at me, as if seeing me for the first time, "why
are you in that chair?"
I feel glad that he is seeing me but how do I tell him what
happened? But I can't lie to him, no matter how much easier it would
be. "I.was hurt.in an accident."
He continues to look at me, I can see his mind whirling, as if
calculating, processing things. I never noticed this in him before,
but then he's never been so emotionless before. Strange, if you would
of asked me months ago, I would have said that Chakotay hardly showed
his emotions at all, but now I know better. It was always in his eyes,
they are.were so expressive, and I'm glad that I got a chance to see
this in him. Now, to get that back.
"You are not able to walk, are you?" he finally asks.
"Um.no. The damage to my back is not repairable, but that
doesn't keep me from doing my job," I add with a smile, trying to
infuse hope into this conversation. I find I'm feeling strange trying
to talk with him. Since he's come around this morning, he's been much
like he has been the past few days, but to me he seems to be.analyzing
me, I don't know how to explain that. He looks at me as if I'm a new
species, but acts the same as he would for anyone else who has come to
visit him. Part of me wants to discuss things, but I know he's not
ready, and so for a rare moment in my life I find myself speechless.
Then an idea hits me. "Want to go check out the holo deck? I can show
you a few programs that was yours, perhaps they will help you in your
Chakotay just nods yes and with a slow precision, he moves off
the biobed. He doesn't use the cane anymore, but he still walks slow
and a little awkward. But who can blame him, he is using new
equipment, as it were. He doesn't attempt to push me, like a lot of
other people tend to do, he just follows along, silent, and I still
feel that vibe that something is off, especially as I look over my
shoulder and see that calculation look in his eyes. I really wonder
what is going through his mind right now.
Big mistake bring Chakotay here and playing his old
recordings. He looked at it for approximately two minutes and flipped
out. He turned and came as close to running out of here as fast as his
legs could carry him, shouting, "Access denied!"
I tried to follow him and ran into B'Elanna who was coming to
check on us both. Chakotay bowled her over getting out of here, and
didn't even stop to see if she was okay.
"What the hell was that all about?"
"I'm sorry, B'El, are you alright?" I ask, trying to lend her
"I'm fine, now tell me what's going on here?" she demands as
she stands up.
"I.I was just showing the Commander one of his old recordings,
hoping.well." I find I feel guilty, I didn't mean to upset him so.
"Hoping for what? What old recordings? One of his
"Well, not quite," I say, feeling even worse, for I don't
think Chakotay has ever shared this part of himself over the years,
but I'm not sure. "He.he has some personal ones he made. I thought if
he saw them he'd remember more or at least make a better connection to
"Well, I guess you got a reaction, but I don't think you
should be playing councilor, Tom. Chakotay has always been a complex
man, and no one but Seven can imagine what he's going through right
now," she scolds.
"That's just it? He's .well he's not going through anything?
You would think he'd be upset about what happened, angry? But he's
calm, quiet, and.well.not Chakotay!" I can't believe I told her, but
it's been bugging me for so long. I know from what Tuvok has told me,
he's in there, somewhere in his mind, but what we have out here.isn't
him, not all of him anyway.
"Give him a break, he's."
"Been through hell.I know! Why won't anyone listen to me?
Chakotay and I may not have always been on the best of terms till as
of late, but I've always known him.and that's not him!" I shout,
finally letting the frustration get the best of me. "Tell me you don't
feel it too?" I dare her.
B'Elanna looked at me as if she was going to snap at me, but
after a minute she realized I was right and conceded. "Okay, you're
right. But then we don't know what it's like to have yourself stripped
away and then try to return it, now do we? For all we know, this may
be it," she growled her own pain showing.
I knew what she was saying, but I couldn't accept it, "No!
He's in there, we just have to help him make his way back!"
"Tom." she says her tone now more sympathetic, I can see she's
finally figured out part of what I'm going through. "It's not your
fault. You can't be blaming yourself for what happened. None of us
knew the Borg was in the area till it was too late."
"But if I hadn't been left behind, or chose the brig."
"Stop it! Chakotay didn't blame you for what happened in the
first place, he wouldn't blame you for this. If for no other reason,
for his sake, let it go, Tom. Let it go."
"I can't," I say softly between tears. I feel ashamed to have
lost it again emotionally like this, but I feel her arms wrap around
me and for the first time in a long time, I feel the caring of a real
friend around be. "Thank you."
She looks at me, a moment of her own vulnerability showing,
then she gets the same cocky grin I have to cover my feelings up,
"don't mention it, flyboy. Now.lets see what we can do to help
Chakotay get back in the swing of things.yes?"
"You're on," I smile. "But first, I have another friend I have
to look in on."
"Okay. I'll check up on the Commander and meet you.mess hall?"
"You got it." I watch her move off and I go to visit Ken.
Strange, but right now I think he's the only one who I can relate too,
even if we aren't friends, but I have a feeling that's going to change
As I enter the brig, I first notice that Greg isn't at his
post then I hear conversation coming from the cell area. I move my way
closer and I overhear Greg and Ken talking and for some reason I
decide to remain quiet and listen.
"Come on, Ken. You've kept me out all these years, now I know
"Yeah, now you know why," Ken replies, his tone defeated as
well as reserved, as if waiting for Greg to say something negative.
I move closer, just enough so I can see into the cell, for I
don't want to interrupt them, but I want to be there should Ken need
me. I see Greg take a few steps closer to Ken who is sitting on he
bench, looking depressed, and apprehensive.
"You've gone out of your way to keep people at bay, even then
I've tried to be your friend, but you wouldn't give me a chance, but
now I want that chance.please, Ken?"
I see Ken look up, a rare look of vulnerability on his face. I
never thought I'd live to see the day that I'd relate to Ken Dalby of
all people, but at this moment I do. I know what it's like to feel so
much inside and do everything you can to keep people from knowing the
truth inside. I also know the need to be accepted for who one is and
the fear of rejection, and from Ken's look, he's as tired as I have
been.he doesn't want to hide anymore.
"Greg.I." Ken falters in his words.
Greg moves to Ken and with gentle yet firm hands; he grabs Ken
and pulls him up so the two of them are looking eye to eye. Then to my
surprise and Ken's Greg kisses him, deep and lovingly. After the
initial shock wears off, Ken is quickly responding and returning the
kiss. Then seeing where this kiss is leading too, I discretely leave
the two new lovers alone, feeling happy that they found each other,
and jealous, as well and sad. I too found my love, but would I be able
to love him again?
Once out in the hall, I'm glad that no one is there for I
don't think I could contain my emotions at the moment. I seem to be
one big raw nerve, crying at the drop of a hat, as the saying goes. I
then decide to cancel my meeting with B'Elanna, for I can't face
Chakotay again today, not without either crying again, or getting
angry. I feel tired, inside and out, and decide to call it an early
day. Tomorrow I have another short shift, and with some rest I think
I'll be able to take on the mountain known as Chakotay.
I should have said no, but at the moment I can't deny him
anything, even if it is for his own good. When Chakotay came into my
ready room and asked to work with me on the bridge, I was ready to
quote the regulations, but then that's how I got these good people in
this mess in the first place. Instead I asked him why?
"I need.to work. I need to focus.to work.Please Kathryn?"
It was the please Kathryn that got to me. I always knew the
Commander was the type to throw himself into his work when things got
rough emotionally. This was probably as rough as it was going to get,
and not having a regular councilor on board, it was going to be even
more difficult for him. I had discussed with the Doctor and Tuvok of a
coarse of action to take with Chakotay and they say lots of rest and
counseling sessions with both of them. I agreed, for I think it will
take both perspectives and different approaches to help Chakotay. But
I also understand the need to have some sense of normalcy in one's
life. Sadly, all he's had over the last few years is his work.
"Okay, but a short shift and with me, will that be okay?" The
sense of relief I see makes me feel that I've made the right decision,
I sure hope so.
"Can I start now?"
Part of me is still not too thrilled about having him work,
but I made my decision, and he did seem eager. "Very well, Commander,"
I smile and move with him to the bridge. The looks everyone gives him
is warm, welcoming, as well as hesitant. I can't blame him, for he has
a long way to go before getting back to the man we all know and love,
and he still moves slow, like a Borg. //Time, Kathryn// I remind
myself, and watch him take his seat, relaxing in it, as if he knows he
belongs in it.he does.
I let him work with me for the next three hours and I'm amazed
at how fast he's adjusted himself back into his job. He's up on all
the reports and information, and I can't believe it, that I have to
stare at him as he's doing his job. It is then that I notice that the
data is moving way to fast for me to read. "What are you doing?" I ask
softly, not trying to bring any attention to us.
He looks up at me flatly, "downloading the current data to my
memory," he states.
This sends a chill down my spine. Reading, scanning it,
something that sounded human would have been fine, but down loading?
It made him sound like a damn computer. "What do you mean.down
"Placing it to memory," he states flatly as if what he's
saying is perfectly normal.
"Can you really.read all that, that fast?"
I decide to let the matter drop. I know for sure that the
Doctor and I have to have a very long in detailed conversation about
Commander Chakotay. I sit back and let the last hour of the shift play
out, keeping an eye on him. He does what he normally does, keeping me
informed of things, and keeping a watchful eye. On one level he seems
more himself, yet I can't help but feel creeped out.but again, this
wouldn't have happened if not for me, so I tell myself to deal with
it, and let it drop all together.
I'm about to let Chakotay go home when Tom enters the bridge,
for it's his turn for a short shift. For a moment if feels good to see
them both here on the bridge with me, even under the circumstances. He
gives me a smile, and I can see the surprised look in his eyes at
seeing Chakotay sitting in his Command chair.
Not a word is spoken as Tom and Betaheart change shifts, and
Tom takes the helm. I sit back a while and just let the moment sink
in, that they're back. Then I realize that Chakotay has been here four
hours and Tom is just beginning his four, so I turn to the Commander,
"Okay, it's been half the shift. Why don't you go rest and I'll see
you in the morning.for breakfast before the briefing?"
He turns to me, "Not yet, if you please."
Okay, I let him stay for four hours, but I have to draw the
line somewhere, "Commander. I granted you a short shift. I'll rescind
that if you can't follow our agreement," I say, letting him know that
I'll do what is needed.
"I understand, Captain," he said, but made no move to leave.
The shipped rocked violently!
"Red alert!" I shout.
"Captain, the Borg!" Harry shouts from his station.
"Evasive maneuvers!" I cry.
"Captain, security fields are engaging all over the ship,"
Tuvok states. "The crew are being locked down."
"Captain, engines are shutting down!" Tom shouts as he turns
to look at me, knowing that we're quickly becoming dead in space.
"They are engaged in all sections but the bridge," Tuvok
"Weapons offline," Tom adds.
"We're being hailed," Harry states.
I look at the screen, I'm not surprised to see her, and that
smirk.I'm going to knock it off her face so help me.
"Ah, Captain, so good of you to be punctual," she smiles
"Computer activate auto destruct sequence." there is a sudden sharp
pain in my head and find I'm falling to the ground. I look up to see
Chakotay standing over me, his eyes cold and calculated.
"You will be assimilated, resistance if futile," he states.
"Cha! No!" Tom shouts from his chair.
"Ah, Captain, you didn't really think I'd let you get him back
so easily.did you?" she laughs. "No, I released him to you. He was
programmed to entrap you, to be in what you human text refer to as
your Judas, and he had done well, don't you think?" Just then the
bridge is crawling with Borg drone. "Resist and I'll make them
suffer, Captain," she snaps.
I see some of the crew try an resist, but they are shot,
stunned by the Commander, where he got the phaser, I don't know. I try
to jump him, my anger at being betrayed blinds me, for he's always
been stronger then me, now even more so with his mechanical arm. He
knocks me aside like a fly. He stuns the rest of the crew or the
drones do. I can't believe that Chakotay will be the key to our
From the floor I hear the Queen growl, for some reason this
pleases me. I look up, and see her actually shouting orders to find
away to penetrate the rest of the ship. Good, B'Elanna must be on top
of things. Then I see Chakotay taking an unconscious Tom and placing
him over his shoulder. It's the last thing I remember before being
stunned into unconsciousness.