Title: Angstrom
Author: Kim Riley a.k.a. MYSTIC
Disclaimer: The characters belong to Paramount. Again since they are
no longer using them I've decided to take our boys out of the 'closet'
and let them play and be happy. Enjoy.
Summary: Sometimes the smallest things can set off great chain of
events, for good and for bad
Rating: R for language and sex
Pairing: Chakotay/ Paris
Feedback: Please!
Notes: The poem "If Only" was written me. The song "Kiss Me Softly"
is off the new Journey album- Arrival; they own it, all of it, so
please respect that. Thanks.

Part 6
The last two days have been hell! Every time I run into Chakotay he
stares at me like he's never seen me before and then says, "Access
code." He's said it so often that I want to strangle him! But what
makes it worse is that for everyone else he's more like his old self,
though his eye still look empty to me.

With rest and lots of support from the Captain and the medical
team, Chakotay is up and walking slow with a cane, but that won't last
long. I think he's handling the situation way too well if you ask me,
but then no one has. So I spoke up anyway, and of course got politely
ignored. GRRRRRR! I feel it in my gut, something's not right, I just
can't put my finger on it.

So, with time on my hands, and knowing Chakotay will be
returning to his quarters this evening, I'm made a point to clean up
his room and, I confess, I've taken some of his recordings. He even
had a few holo recordings in there, which I took for I wanted to see
them. I do feel a bit guilty about it, but.somehow I can't get over
the feeling he won't even notice.

He smiles a bit, but over all he acts just like Seven did in
the beginning, after a few human lessons. His eyes still look so damn
empty, even when he smiles. I know I'm torturing myself, but I find I
don't like this new Chakotay. Of course that makes me feel guilty as
hell, for I shouldn't hold it against him for what happened to him.
Shit! It was my fault! I mean if I kept a handle on my libido none of
this would have happened.

Well, I don't think anyone will know I've been here, so I take
my ill-gotten booty and head out to the holo deck. When I get there
instead of another damn SIMM I look through the holo rods and place in
the one he last made, which was during my exile. I run the recording
and to my surprise my surroundings turn into a recording studio, a
music recording studio. There is a band, music engineers, the works.
And staring in the center is 'my' Chakotay.

I think about that a moment and I realize that I will always
think of this man, the one I was just getting to know, somehow always
known, as the man I loved, and mine. I watch him smile and laugh with
such ease. He glows as he collaborates on making the last minutes
changes to what they were about to record. He places the head set to
his right ear as they start to play. I've never been in an old fashion
music studio, so I don't know why he does it, but he looks so
transformed. He is no longer the stoic Commander, but an artist about
to wield his craft. He sings:

There's a state of grace that happens every day
It's a feeling I though lost or locked away
Another question to an answer that I know
Oh, are you coming home, coming home for sure
I'd walk a thousand miles, just to hear you calling out my name.

Kiss me softly. Kiss me slowly
I get lost in you. Like only lover's do.
Hold me closer. Love me tender.
I get swept away. Like only lover's do.

You've awaken something deep inside my soul
And every moment every breath I feel it more
Your hidden treasure that you keep down deep inside
We make love freely as we watch the new sunrise
I'd live a thousand lives if everyone I lived could be with you.

Kiss me softly. Kiss me slowly
I get lost in you. Like lovers do.
Hold me closer. Love me tender.
I get swept away. Like only lover's do.

I'd live a thousand lives if everyone I lived could be with you.

Kiss me softly. Kiss me slowly
I get lost in you. Like lovers do.
Hold me closer. Love me tender.
I get swept away. Like only lover's do.

Kiss me softly. Kiss me slowly
I get lost in you. Like lovers do.
Hold me closer. Love me tender.
I get swept away. Like only lover's do.

Only lover's, only lover's, only lover's do
Only lover's, only lover's, only lover's do
Only lover's, only lover's, only lover's do
Only lover's, only lover's, only lover's do

As I watch him sing, and see the passion in him pour out into
the words he sings, I finally figure out what is wrong, what was
missing from the Chakotay that was in Sickbay. Somehow that Bitch
Queen had managed to strip away apart of his soul! It's so clear and
bright as I look into his dark eyes shine as he expresses himself.

Watching him, I feel tears sting my own eyes, for I feel the
loss more intently than I did when I thought he was dead. Though it
was only for a few hours, when the Doc said we could retrieve him and
fix him, I.I guess I stopped thinking of him lost.but now?

I play the clip again and let my tears flow. I feel that
somehow I must have done something really wrong, if not in this life
than the last one, for there had to be a reason as to why my life
sucked so much! Just one damn things after another!

First that damn accident that started all this shit! Then the
Marquis, but then that's how I met Chakotay and first fell in love
with him, even if he couldn't stand me. Then soon followed prison, but
that led to me being on Voyager and meeting up with Chakotay and
getting a second chance out here in the Delta quadrant. Or so I
thought, because then the damn Jonas thing, but it got me in good with
the Captain. But prior to that I did save Chakotay's life and I think
that kept him from killing me. Just one thing after another, and up to
now I thought there was some reason, even a small one.but this? What
could possibly be served by striping a good man of his soul?

This entire line of thinking got me worked up, so I ended the
holo recording and slipped it into the pocket on the side of my damn
chair. I headed out, not sure were I would go and found myself moving
into the mess hall. It took all my self-control to ignore Jennings
stupid crippled fag comments. What I didn't expect was to hear the
sound of fist to jaw.for that is a very distinct sound. When I turned
around to see, it came as an even bigger surprise to see that it was
Dalby of all people that decked Jennings and good!

He gave me a guilty look, and at that moment I felt he
deserved to feel that way. Shit! I would have traded places with Cha;
I'd do it now! I turn away; I didn't feel like being reasonable. Sure
I understand that he and two others were feeling angry at what happen,
and I was in the wrong place at the wrong time. But he did let me have
a chance to defend myself, stating that I deserved to get my ass
kicked, but he'd give me the respect of defending myself out of
respect for Chakotay. It was not really a fair fight, but it was hand
to hand and Dalby did stay out of it when the other two came at me, so
in his way it was sort of fair. Then when I succeeded in kicking
'their' ass' he came at me. I never knew how strong he was or how
quick, but it was just him and me, and when the other two were about
to join him, he did tell them to stay out of it, shouting they had
their shot. I sweep kicked him, he rolled and as I approached he
double kicked me and I went flying into the crates.end of story.

GRRRRRR, I don't want to sit here and be fucking REASONABLE!
They should have left me alone in the first place! I get so angry that
I toss my tray down on the grown, deciding to hell at eating. But then
Dalby picks it up for me and starts to hand it to me, and I flip!

"GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME!" I shout, grabbing the nearest
thing, which was silverware and I started hailing it down at Dalby. "I
continue to shout as a few try to subdue me. I start grabbing handfuls
of the food and tossing it at them. They back off, and Dalby continues
to seek shelter behind the tray I dropped.

flowing freely down my face. "I WANT HIM TO BE ALL RIGHT. I ALSO JUST
FROM ME?" Lunch wound up on several security members and the Doc when
he showed up and sedated me.


Sleep? Who the hell can sleep? Between the regret and the
nightmare that has occurred due to my stubborn stupidity, I can't find
a moment where my mind will leave me alone. The horror of what they
did to Chakotay still haunts me, even awake. It only has eased when he
looked at me and recognized me, but the vision is still there.

His progress has been slow. Slower than other's who have been
taken and we recovered, but then except for Seven, he is the only
other one who's been 'under' for so long. I don't think I'll ever be
able to forgive myself, for Chakotay or Tom. Both men have suffered
because of me.

Sure, Starfleet regulations are clear, but as Captain, I had
the choice, just like I did when I accepted the Maquis as part of my
crew. But I closed my eyes and didn't think twice when it came to
punishing Tom for being.himself. I mean the more I think about it,
should someone be punished because of his or her gender, race or
creed? NO! Then why did I not think twice about punishing Tom for
being himself?

The answer is not a good one. I was simply set in my ways and
that they say was that. It took a heavy price to get me to see my
error, and I know it is also apart as to why Tom was injured. Since I
okayed it that Tom should be punished, the crew thought so too. So in
essence I led by example.a poor one at that.

So I find it hard to pass sentence on the man that finally had
the courage to come forward. I mean Tuvok and me had a suspicion that
it was former Maquis, and headed by Kevin Dalby, but I never suspected
him to confess. It happened the morning after Tom was subdued and
taken to Sickbay. According to the EMH, Tom simply had an emotional
break down, which he was suspecting to happen any day now. That with
the loss of his power to walk, and not able to fly, and the trauma of
aiding in Chakotay's care, has proven too much.

Well, Kevin came to my ready room and confessed his doings,
but won't say a word on the others that were with him. He states he
was alone, but I know differently, as does Tuvok. He then handed me a
PADD and asked me to over look it than stood quietly at attention.
That is what he is doing now, waiting for me to pass judgement on
him.I feel so wrong for that part.

"One month in the brig," I state firmly. He nods and he moves
out with the security team with a quiet dignity I never knew he had,
till now. I felt my eyes water, for a moment, he reminded me of
Chakotay and all his silent pride and dignity.

I look over the PADD he gave me and can't help think that we
all are learning a very heavy priced lesson. Just then my door


I look up to see Seven enter in with Chakotay. He's dressed in
a black jumpsuit and still walks slow, but according to the Doctor,
he'll be able to run marathons in a few weeks. He gives me a tiny
smile, but he still seems so.off. I start to think about what Tom
said, but then I recall he's been to hell, and it really is a long
road back. "Commander?" I smile warmly and stand up to meet him part
of the way.

"Please, sit," he says softly. "I just wanted to spend time
with you if that is all right?"

"Of course," I smile. Then I look at Seven. She nods and
without a word exits.

Please, have a seat," I say.

"Do you mind if I use the chair, the sofa is still too
difficult for me to manage," he states, much like Seven would, with
just a touch of Chakotay added in for spice.

"Of course," I say and step aside as he moved and sits in my
chair behind the desk. I see him relax. He then looks at me, and I
know what he's going to say.it happens once an awhile. His eyes will
become empty and he'll stare, then.

"Access code."

"Chakotay?" I say softly and touch him lightly on his right
arm. This seems to snap him out of what ever is going on in his head.

I watch him blink back to me and then give a tiny smile, his
way of apologizing. I tell him not to worry. "Are you thirsty?"


I move to get myself an Irish coffee.a real one. It just
arrives when my door chimes again. "Enter."

If timing couldn't be worse. Tom comes rolling in, for I did
tell the Doc I wanted to see him when he was released this morning.
Just that I know that for some reason he and Chakotay are like oil and
water. He's barley in the door when Chakotay gets that damn look and
stands up and moves toward Tom. I only get it once and awhile; Tom
gets it all the time. Why? I don't have a clue.

"Access code." Chakotay states as he moves toward Tom.

I see Tom freeze in his place and stares up at Chakotay,
half-surprised to see him here and half-angry. "I DON'T KNOW YOU
FUCKING ACCESS CODE!" He shouts at the top of his lungs.

"Tom!" I say, for that kind of language and tone was not
appropriate, even if justified.

"Access code." Chakotay states again, this time he's up on Tom
and in his space. I move, but it's not quite fast enough, for Chakotay
has reached out with his left hand and lifts Tom up by his shirt.

"Access code."

"But him down!" I shout as I try to get Tom free. Damn! I'm going to
have to talk with the Doc about the strength in that arm.

"What fucking access code?" Tom says, tears falling down his
face, but not from fear. I can't really read him, but he doesn't seem
afraid, not like I know I do.

"Access code."

Tom starts shouting numbers, after so many, Chakotay only
states denied and then asks him again. I've called for security and
the Doctor. So far Tom is all right, but I don't know for how long.
"Chakotay! He's not Borg, leave him alone," I say again, trying to get
him to release Tom.

"Access code."

Tom looks defeated in some way, and then he looks up, as if
he's got one last thing to try. "Zero-four-twenty-five," he states

I see Chakotay freeze, the quick denied not following. Then as
Security and the Doc enter I see him release Tom. The Doc moves up and
gives Chakotay a heavy sedative. Just before he passes out he states,
"Access granted."

******END OF PART 6*********