Author: Kim Riley a.k.a. MYSTIC
WARNING: SOME SECTIONS OF THIS STORY HAVE GRAPHIC DESCRIPTIONS THAT
MAY PROVE DISTURBING
Disclaimer: The characters belong to Paramount. Again since they are
no longer using them I've decided to take our boys out of the 'closet'
and let them play and be happy. Enjoy.
Summary: Sometimes the smallest things can set off great chain of
events, for good and for bad
Rating: R for language and sex
Pairing: Chakotay/ Paris
Notes: The poem "If Only" was written me. The song "Kiss Me Softly"
is off the new Journey album- Arrival; they own it, all of it, so
please respect that. Thanks.
(The final part)
It is the most amazing and most tragic story I can imagine at
the moment. It seems that Commander Chakotay had more upstairs than
any of us thought when it came to mind over matter department. From
what Tuvok, the EMH and myself have been able to piece together,
Chakotay placed himself in some sort of trance, that kept a part of
him out of the Borg Queens hand's. He somehow knew to set a
'unlocking' code, which he knew someone.Tom, would know. Why? This we
can't figure out, but having seen Tom's reactions to all this.but I
Anyway, Chakotay was functioning on two levels. One that the
Queen controlled and another, where he did. Though the particulars
will always be lost to us, the results are not. He was programmed to
turn over Voyager to the Borg, and though to some level he had no
choice, he did manage to protect the rest of the ship. He also took
advantage of the Borg technology and got Tom fixed up to where he can
live a normal life again. The implant on his back has regenerated his
spine, and was able to be removed safely. The Doctor is keeping it and
studying it for future use.
When Chakotay had fulfilled the basic requirements of the
programming, handing over Voyager, and then aiding Tom in being
healed, he somehow took control of the Borg collective, or a part of
it. It was enough to let us escape and destroy the Borg ship. The
tragedy is that his own body, having been temporally dead, from being
shot by the Borg, but not before transferring his consciousness, was
no longer in connection with the collective after it was brought up
again by the Doctor. In other words, the connection was severed, and
Chakotay had no way back to his own body. I knew he understood this,
and he would have not wanted me to act any other way when he lowered
the Borg shields, but I still regret it, none the less.
When I explained this to Tom, I could see the play of emotions
in his eyes, and his disbelief. The way he ran out of the holo deck to
Sickbay, I knew then that he was in love with Chakotay. I had always
had a deep suspicion, but with all the other blinders I was wearing,
it didn't become clear till that moment. I followed him, and seeing
him shouting at Chakotay to come out of it, yelling that code over and
over again.it broke my heart.
I had Tuvok do another mind meld, he said it was a barren
wasteland.meaning no Chakotay. I haven't had the heart to tell the Doc
to do anything. The body is fully able to function; just no one is
home to manage it. So Chakotay lays there in sickbay, and my chief
pilot stays by his side night and day. I finally had him sedated and
band for two days from sickbay. I had to threaten him, that if he set
foot in sickbay, I'd pull the plug on Chakotay. It's a lie, but I
can't have both of them this way. I could see the hate Tom felt for
me, but I was doing it for his own good, something I finally know is
It'll only be a matter of time where I may have to make that
decision, but not today, and not anytime soon. *Sigh * The only good
news is, is that we didn't lose anyone else. Seems the Queen didn't
get around to upgrading all her drones' nanobots, so we were able to
revert Ken Dalby back to normal. He's been released from sickbay
today, and I ended his brig time. I think we all suffered enough
Well, he'll probably tell me to go to hell, but I'm going to
find Tom and ask to share a drink with me in his bar program. I know
it isn't regulation, but Tuvok has the bridge, and I feel the need to
Personal log out.
This can't be happening! Chakotay can't be gone! Not after all
this? All because of some stupid mishap with a computer program, and
the man I love is now really just a shell of himself! I can't take
this. I've shouted at him, pleaded with him, praying he'll hear me,
but nothing. I've even tried that stupid code, wondering what was so
damn important about it, but nothing.
Than the Captain orders me out of sickbay, and when I won't
leave she threatens me, by saying she'll let the Doctor put Chakotay
to sleep, as if he's a dog or a race horse with a broke leg! A part of
me can't believe she'd do that.not to him anyway, but I don't want to
take the chance so I leave.
I've spent that time in Chakotay's quarters, and I cry, not
only for the pain I feel in my heart, but I've spent so much time
here, it smell like me.no longer him. I'm loosing him, and there isn't
a damn thing I can do about it.
After who knows how long of crying, I get up. A part of me is
glad to be able to move again, but I'd trade it in a heartbeat to have
him hear with me again. Even that walking talking shell was better
than nothing. I move around his room, now able to explore it better
and stumble across what he calls his medicine bag and the machine that
allows him to meditate on such deep levels. I'm not sure what gets
into me, but I spread out the blanket that is with them and sit down
and open his bag.
At this point I don't feel any regret or shame, he's in
trouble, and perhaps this may help, even if I don't know what I'm
doing. I see the many tiny items that make up his bag, and I smile,
for I see a small holo picture of me. I don't let the tears free, for
I want to focus. I take the machine he uses and turn it on, not sure
what to do; I close my eyes and think about Chakotay.
I suddenly find myself in a beautiful forest, the sky crystal
blue and clear, the sun warm, and the wind gentle and loving. I feel
welcomed, no.better, I feel home, even if I have never seen this place
before in my life. I look around as I move through the lush green
trees, not sure where I'm going or what I should do.
"It's about time you showed up," a voice from above calls out.
I turn and see a beautiful Hawk glide down and land on my
shoulder. I don't fear her, in fact, I feel connected to her. "Why do
you say that?" I ask.
"I've been waiting for you for a long time, Tom. I though
you'd get over your stubbornness a bit sooner and ask Chakotay to meet
me. And if you haven't figured it out, I'm your spirit guide."
I smile, leave it to me to have a guide with attitude. "Well,
I'm here now, though I'm not sure how or what I can do?"
"You're here, because you believe and you wanted to meet me,
and I you. You used Chakotay's path, though in the future, I you
should respect it, and find your own. But under the circumstances, I
am sure he will forgive you."
"Then he isn't dead!" I cry with hope and joy.
"Death is just another phase in life young one, but if you
mean is he still Chakotay? Yes, but he's lost and you must find him."
"How? Tell me how and I'll do it," I say, desperate to get my
"Well if it was that easy, I'd do that.but it's not. No, he's
out there and you have to find him, for even he doesn't know where he
is. Follow your heart, Tom," the Hawk says, then fly's away. Before I
can say anything else I'm back in Chakotay's quarters and the chime is
I just stand up when the Captain walks in. "I.I can explain,"
I stammer, hoping that I can.
"I understand, Tom," she says in an understanding voice. I see
by the look in her eyes that she does and she doesn't seem upset at
me. I watch her take a seat near me. "I was hoping I could buy you a
few drinks. I hate to drink alone, and I know I could use some," she
I look at her a moment, this was new. I then turn and close up
Chakotay's medicine bag and place everything back as he had it, not
saying a word. I feel her eyes still on me, and I know she understands
that I'm still upset at her.
"You know I wouldn't do that, Tom. I only said it for you
needed to get some rest, get out of sickbay. You can't help him, but
you can take care of yourself," she states with a tiredness in her
voice, that gets my attention.
I turn an see the stress of all the past weeks on her face,
and I see.Kathryn, not Captain Janeway, looking at me, hoping to make
some connection with me. I move and sit in a chair near her. "I'm glad
to hear that, for I'm not ready to give up on him."
She gives a small smile, "I know, and for the record, neither
am I. I.I just don't know what else we can do. Tuvok has no idea, and
neither does the Doctor. I.I need a drink. Sure you won't join me?"
This is the second time this woman has extended me the olive
branch, and again, for Chakotay, I accept. "Yeah, I could use a few
myself." I get up and follow her to Sardines and I'm glad that it's
not too crowded.
I sit in a booth with her across from me, and I feel a small
smile on my face seeing Greg and Ken sitting in another booth near by,
holding hands. I am glad things are working out for someone, but I
still can't help feel my own heart breaking.
"Two Scotches straight up and keep them coming," she states,
then looks at me, "what are you having?"
This brings another small smile to my face, "I'll have a
stinger," I reply, then let the moment pass. The quiet between us
grows, till the drinks arrive, and we both slam them down. This causes
us to immediately giggle, a natural immature response to acting
immature, I guess.
"Look, Tom. I know sorry won't cut it. But I am sorry for all
this. If I hadn't been so stupid." she sighs and takes her other drink
and slams it down. It's then that I see the guilt in her eyes. At
first I get angry thinking she's looking for resolution, but then I
calm myself and look again.no, she's just trying to accept what is an
move on, like me.
"We can't change the past, Captain. Heaven knows I've tried,"
I smile, then I order another drink, this time a beer. I'm not sure
how I feel seeing the Captain take her third drink as if it's water.
"Boy, do I know that," she states, a bit of a slur, for the
drink is starting to affect her. It must have been awhile since she's
drank like this, but then I take notice, it's real scotch, and I stay
the barmaid, from delivering the fourth one, when my beer arrives.
"Coffee, black," I say and gesture for the two of us.
"Won't even let me get drunk, will you," she growls a bit. But
I don't take this personal, I understand the pain she's in, and for
once find that I'm bigger than I use to be, and don't have to drag her
through it as I would have done before.
"You don't need to get drunk, you need to talk about it," I
say, feeling a smile cross my lips. //Yep that's just what Chakotay
would say. //
"What's there to say. Because of my stupidity, my crew a have
suffered, you were almost permanently paralyzed, and Chakotay.is
gone," she says, suppressing a small sob.
"I don't believe he's gone, Kathryn," I say, taking a risk at
using her first name. "I don't know where he is, but I know he's not
gone.he can't be. We still need him," I say, as I lay my hand on hers
as the coffee arrives.
She looks up at me, her eyes searching mine, and I see she
finds what she was looking for, for she smiles at me, then with a nod
takes the coffee and drinks it down. //Damn, can that woman suck down
"So, if you don't mind me prying, how long have you and
Chakotay been together?" she asks over her coffee.
I look surprised, but then I see she has seen how I feel.
"We're not actually together. We.well, we never really had a chance to
be," I say, feeling the wave of old anger hit me. I sip my beer and
try to swallow it back, not wanting to lose the grown I just gained
with the Captain.
I see the guilt fill her eyes again, but I can't remove that,
for I feel it too. "Then how did you know his door code?" she asks.
Not really wanting to go into it, "He gave it to me, I.I had
to retrieve something." I lie. I see she knows this, and I'm glad that
she doesn't press it.
"Tom!" Ken says, as he moves toward us, slowing down when he
sees that the Captain is with me.
"Mister Dalby, I'm glad you're doing well," she says politely.
She glances and takes notice that Ken and Greg are still holding
hands. I brace myself to see how she'll react. To my surprise, "I hope
you and Mister Alaya are enjoying your day off," she adds warmly.
This eases the tension that was surrounding all of us, and
Greg and Ken smile too, "yes we are," Greg replies.
"I just wanted to see for myself," Ken states, looking at me.
"I was told that you were up and around again.I'm.well, I'm very
glad," he say softly. "Well, I didn't meant to intrude,
"I'd like that, Ken. Thanks."
Ken and Greg move back to their table to finish their drinks
before heading out. I return my attention to the Captain. The
awkwardness is back, and I sip my beer silently.
"So, what's so special about that code? I mean, well, out of
all the thing he could of chosen.?" she asks, her curiosity getting
the better of her.
I too wonder why he chose his door code of all things; "I'm
not sure why he chose zero-four-twenty-five," I reply.
"It's the day we met," I hear a voice state.
I turn to see Ken looking at me oddly, Greg looking at him
oddly, for they were on their way out. "What did you say?" I ask,
Ken slowly disengages his hand from Greg's "It's the day we
met," he states again.
"Ken, are you alright?" Greg asks with concern.
Ken blinks and faces Greg, "Ah.sure, why?" he asks.
"We met in April, Ken?" I state, not sure what all this was
about, not really sure if I can allow myself to believe it.
"Excuse me?" he says, looking puzzled. "I met you when you
came aboard the CrazyHorse, that was sometime in May. Why?"
"You just said you met Tom in April" Janeway replies, looking
just as confused as Greg and Ken.
I find myself shaking inside, "April twenty-fifth,
zero-four-twenty-five," I repeat slowly.praying.
Ken blinks at me again, then moves toward me, reaching out his
hand and caresses my face, much to the dismay of Greg, "Yes, in that
seedy bar. One look at you and I was hooked. If only you could have
kept your mouth shut," he teases.
I stand up and look deep into Ken's eyes, abut it's not Ken
I'm seeing, "Chakotay?" I say, with a sense of knowing and hope.
Before I know it, I'm in a deep embrace receiving a deep passionate
kiss. I feel all of Chakotay's love in that kiss, but at the same
time, I hope Greg understands.I think he's the jealous type.
The kiss is broken and suddenly Ken is looking at me as if I
grew a second head. Then he turns to Greg and starts to apologize
profusely, but before anyone says anything else I turn to the Captain
and shout, "Chakotay wasn't connected to the collective, but Ken was!
He's in Ken!"
Tuvok has just finished the double mind meld, and we're all
praying that it works out, for I don't know if Greg is the sharing
type, but by the look I got in the bar, I truly doubt it. Nor do I
think Ken is, but he may not have a choice, for if Chakotay can't make
it back to his body, I won't let him go! I stand and pace with Greg
and the Captain, praying for the best.
Tuvok comes around; Ken and Chakotay are still unconscious on
the biobeds, and we all look at him expectantly, as the Doc runs the
medical tricorder over both Ken and Chakotay.
"Well?" I ask, not able to stand the suspense any longer.
"I believe I was successful. But we will not know for sure
till the Commander come around. I can only say that his mind is no
longer in Mister Dalby," Tuvok replies.
"Brain activity has jumped," the Doc states, and soon he
smiles, which has us all smiling.
I move to Chakotay's side as Greg moves to Ken's who is waking
up. I take Chakotay's right hand in mine, "Cha?" I say softly, hoping
this time he'll respond. I grin ear to ear, and feel tears stinging my
eyes as I see his eyes start to blink, trying to focus. "I'm here,
Cha," I say, squeezing his hand, so he knows I'm with him. Then my
eyes lock with his, and I can see.it's him!
"Hi" he whispers his throat is dry, and he looks hazed.
'Hi, yourself," I smile bigger, and caress his hair. "How do
I see he is thinking about thing, and I suddenly regret it. I
really don't want him to think about things. I just want him back, and
let the past be. I feel a sense of relief when he looks at me puzzled,
and not pained. "I feel okay, I guess. What happened?'
A mixed blessing? "What is the last thing you remember, Cha?"
I say softly. I see his cheeks blush slightly.
"Kissing you.then.we busted out of the Borg cell!" he was
remembering. He started to sit up, but I held him down with a gentle
hand. "We got, right?"
I look to the Captain, unsure what I should do at this point.
His eyes follow mine, and he gets a defensive look, I'm not sure where
that's coming from. "Cha.that was.weeks ago," I say softly, getting
him to look at me again.
"Tell him, Tom," the Captain says in a gentle understanding
voice. "He deserves the truth."
I see Chakotay looks at her puzzled, not only by her words,
but her tone. Then he looks at me. I turn to gesture for everyone else
to leave, giving us privacy. I see Greg, pick Ken up in his strong
arms, no easy feat, and calls for a site to site transport, with the
Captain's okay. Then she and Tuvok leave, and the EMH lets me know
he's nearby, should I need him. I sit on the edge of the biobed,
holding his hand and I begin telling him all I know of what happened
since that fateful day.
I see the pain in his eyes, and the horror, as if on some
level, he was in control, yet had no idea what was going on, on
another. I inform him of how impressed Tuvok was with his self-mind
control, and I make sure he understands that he save us, and me. I
want him to focus on the good that came out of this nightmare.
After I tell him everything, and we've shared some tears, I
take his left hand in mine, and I kiss it, gently, lovingly. "I love
you, Chakotay. I have for a long time. I have no intentions of letting
anything get in-between us again, nothing, do you hear me.not even
you," I smile warmly, through tear stained eyes.
"It's going to take me some time.to adjust to all this." he
gestures toward his mechanical hand and then his head.
"Well, I'll be with you every step of the way," I say, leaning
in and giving him a loving kiss. At this point, I don't care who know.
"I'm sorry I scared you," he says after the kiss ends.
"I had no way of warning you.before I.I had to follow the
program, but I could change it. I.I knew they could help you." he
stammers, for he was remembering it.
I caress his face, "Shhh, Love. It's over, and we're together.
We'll take thinks one day at a time," I say.
"I apologize for interrupting, but the Commander needs to
rest," the Doc states as he walks in. "His hasn't had a proper rest
for some time, and with the nanobots now in his system, they need to
regenerate. Seven believes that with some calculations and some
adjustment, you may be able to avoid the regeneration chamber that she
has to use."
I glare at the Doc. He must have been listening, or he really
does have the worst bedside manner in history, to just come out and
say all that. "Doc." I growl.
"Chartezzeroncloride in three regular does of 20cc's for the
next three days and I will be able to produce the necessary
requirements the nanobots will need," Chakotay states calmly.
When the Doc states he's not familiar with that drug and
Chakotay rattles off the chemical compounds used to make it, I see
that there really are going to be some adjustments. He then looks at
me, and I can feel he isn't too happy that he just did that.
"It's okay, love. The Doc said that the neuronet has increased
your memory and your recall that's all. You'll just have to deal with
being smarter," I tease.
"One day at a time.right?" he asks me, looking into my eyes.
I feel so loved and wanted as I look in his dark rich ebony
eyes, and see that spark that is all Chakotay. "That's right, Love.
Baby steps, you an me." I lean in and we seal our deal with a