(Sequel to " Rude Awakenings ")
(R Series part 30)
Disclaimer: Tom, Chak et al belong to Paramount. I am only playing with them and promise to put them back relatively unscathed
"Do you want to come home?" Chakotay asked carefully.
"Yeah" Tom whispered
Chakotay beckoned the Doctor over and held Tomís trembling body comfortingly as the Doctor ran a regenerator over Tomís bruised and bleeding forehead. Tom closed his eyes and concentrated on the steady beat of Chakotayís heart, feeling it slowing from a frantic staccato to a steady rhythm against his own chest.
The Doctor finished and stepped back, his eyes meeting Chakotayís in concern. Despite everything he had himself witnessed and Chakotayís description of Tomís repressed memories, he had never truly understood before how badly psychologically damaged the young pilot was.
He bitterly regretted the years he had simply patched Tom up and sent him on his way with a lecture on safe sex. He should have known. Surely he should have seen SOMETHING. He cursed his programmers for failing to give him the necessary skills to handle such a situation.
Then again, who would imagine that someone as badly damaged as Tom would be able to pass a Starfleet psyche evaluation? Come to think of it, how had Tuvok or Kathryn Janeway passed one? It seemed that there was a fundamental flaw in the Starfleet procedures and anyone with sufficient acting ability could slip through the cracks without detection.
He decided it was time for him to run a thorough examination of ALL the crew. The years of exile in the Delta Quadrant were beginning to crack the careful facades that people hid behind. Who knew what other sordid secrets lurked in Voyagerís bowels?
"Can we go?" Chakotay asked the distracted Doctor with a touch of impatience; one arm still slung protectively around Tomís shoulders. Tom himself had his eyes shut and was leaning against the older man for comfort.
The Doctor looked at the Commander, noting the new lines of strain on the proud face and sighed sadly as he reached into his medicine cabinet. He hated the solution that he was going to offer, but had no better options.
"This will help him sleep." He said pressing a hypospray into Chakotayís free hand. "This one will calm him down. Be careful though, too much and heíll get more depressed. This one will cheer him up if he DOES get too depressed. This is a vitamin supplement. This is a nutritional supplement. This one will knock him out immediately if he gets dangerously agitated. This one Ė "
Chakotay looked in dismayed horror at the growing pile of uppers and downers in his hand.
"Is this really necessary?" he demanded furiously
"I hope not. Thereís no Ďquick fixí for Tomís kind of problems but at least the sedatives will keep him out of harm while you do the real work, Commander. I am not suggesting that you use all of these, I am simply ensuring that you have the necessary tools in case of an emergency. Tom may Ďfeelí capable of working but heís not. You canít risk the safety of Voyager by letting him back at the helm, so heís going to have to spend a lot of time alone while you work. A little chemical assistance will make it easier."
"A little safe company would be a better solution, I think. I will take a look at the crew roster and see what I can come up with." Chakotay said firmly. He thrust the hyposprays back at the doctor in a gesture of rejection and then thought better of it. "Better safe than sorry, I guess." He said sadly
"Make sure you lock them up safely." The Doctor warned quietly
Chakotay blanched. "You donít think heíd Ė " his voice trailed off in horror
"As you said, better safe than sorry."
"I wanna GO." Tom wailed fretfully, pressing his face into Chakotayís neck and snuffling miserably.
Deciding that it was out of the question to carry Tom back to his quarters through the busy corridors, and reasonably sure that Tom was currently incapable of walking so far, Chakotay conned BíElanna.
"Can you transport Tom and myself back to our quarters?" He requested, knowing that she would automatically erase the computer log. The last thing he needed right now was Janeway on his neck for breach of protocol.
BíElannaís only reply was the shimmer of a transporter beam and Chakotayís quarters materialised around them. He began to lead Tom into the bedroom.
The younger man followed him with quiet obedience but began to stiffen as he approached the doorway.
"Itís okay, honey." Chakotay soothed, running his fingers tenderly over Tomís face. Tomís eyes were squeezed tightly shut in terror. Suddenly understanding, Chakotay threw the door wide open and double-checked the room for evidence. As BíElanna had told him, it was "all clear".
"Trust me, Tom. Itís all right. You can open your eyes, honey."
He assured the younger man gently.
Slowly Tom opened his eyes. He darted them around the room and then visibly relaxed. He turned to Chakotay "Iím REALLY tired, Chak." He explained "Iím sorry."
Relieved to see Tom beginning to react normally to him again, Chakotay let out the breath he hadnít even been aware of holding. The unbearable tension began to drain out of his body as Tom made his own way to his side of the bed. He was therefore completely unprepared for Tomís shriek of outrage.
"TED!" Tom howled, spinning around to glare at Chakotay with the uncontrollable rage of a thwarted five year old "Whereís Ted? What have you done with Ted?"
Shit! Chakotay had forgotten the bloody toy Tom had discarded in sickbay. Looking at Tomís furious, tear-stained face he began to wonder whether he could really cope with six-foot of childish temper tantrums. He was too old for this shit.
Toms howls were increasing in volume, Chakotayís head was splitting with the sound. He was ashamed of a sudden urge to slap Tom into a semblance of reason.
Before his patience was tested any further, he was amazed and gratified to see the Teddy Bear suddenly materialize on the pillow. Giving thanks to the Doctor, BíElanna, the Spirits or whatever other divine intervention had just saved his own sanity, he grasped Tomís heaving shoulders and forced him around to face the bed.
Tom gave a hiccuping sob. "Ted?" he whimpered and then dove onto the bed, wrapping himself in a protective ball around the stuffed toy.
Bitter tears stung Chakotayís eyes at the pathetic sight. He loved Tom. He DID. But he honestly didnít know whether he could cope with having a manic-depressive fully-grown child in his bed. What if Tom never recovered? What if he spiraled even deeper into his madness? He just felt too damned helpless in the face of Tomís distress. And guilty. He should never have interfered, he decided sadly.
"Oh Shit, Chak, I am SO fucked." Tom whispered sadly.
Chakotay scooted forwards and sat on the edge of the bed, taking one of Tomís hands in his own and squeezing it gently.
"Shush, honey, try and sleep, we can talk tomorrow."
Tomís eyes opened and stared deeply into Chakotayís own.
"I KNOW Iím acting crazy, Chak. Itís like Iím watching myself do it but I canít stop it. The fear takes over and I lose control."
"Itís okay, Tom. Itís okay." Chakotay said helplessly, even more horrified by the idea that under all the madness, some part of Tom was a silent, helpless witness to his own humiliation.
"Donít give up on me, Chak. Please." Tom begged, his lapis-lazuli eyes swimming with tears of despair.
"Never, Tom. I will NEVER stop loving you." Chakotay promised, his own cheeks dripping with uncontrollable tears, and as he said the words, he knew without a shadow of a doubt that he was telling the truth. Even if Tom spent the rest of his life bouncing back and forth from reality to nightmare, he would never turn his back on him. Tom was his. For better or for worse, in sickness and in health, until death finally parted them.
"One day, Iím going to marry you, Tom Paris." He promised, the words tumbling out of his mouth before he had a chance to contemplate their effect on his fragile lover.
He cursed his thoughtlessness as Tomís pale face whitened in shock and a nervous tick twitched in the corner of his blue eyes. Then, to his intense relief, a slow smile crept over Tomís features and the pilot actually began to laugh happily.
Chakotayís own mouth twitched as Tomís genuine mirth caught and enveloped him.
"Whatís so funny about that?" He asked with mock anger
Tom flinched, his eyes stark with fear, his laughter abruptly cut off. Chakotay kicked himself. How many times would he forget how fragile Tom was?
Kicking off his shoes he crawled into bed behind Tom, spooning himself against Tomís back and wrapping his arms around the younger man, his hands stroking and soothing until Tom relaxed and pushed back into his embrace with a relieved sigh.
"Donít EVER be afraid of me, Tom." He begged "I canít bear it." The sorrow in his heart constricted and tightened into a deep pain in his chest and he began to cry softly into Tomís neck, the strain and misery of the last few days finally becoming too much for him to handle.
Tom lay there in shock as the big man sobbed. HE had done this, he realised. He had made Chakotay cry, actually cry. Suddenly his own fears and worries receded into insignificance. Chakotay was the only person in his whole damned life that had ever given a shit about him. Chakotay had taken him in, given him a home, even pretended that Tom was his boyfriend when everyone knew that he was only a two-credit whore.
Iím an ungrateful little shit. Tom decided suddenly. Chakotay had freely given him more than everyone else put together and he hadnít even tried to give the big man value for money. Damn, he was ashamed of himself. He had never let any of his clients feel let down, how could he fail to satisfy the only person who actually really seemed to care about him?
He twisted in Chakotayís arms until he was face to face with the other man. Chakotayís face was ravaged by grief.
I did this to him, Tom told himself, his heart lurching with guilt. Tentatively he reached out and stroked the older manís face until the deep brown eyes opened and gazed into his. Chakotayís misery was so tangible that it was like a barrier between them.
Somehow, he needed to break that barrier down, Tom decided; somehow he had to make Chakotay happy again. His mind whirled furiously. Experience told him that a sexual advance would be spurned, although he still couldnít quite figure out why. Then inspiration hit him. He schooled his face into sincerity and said the words that he KNEW Chakotay wanted to hear.
"I love you, Chakotay." He said brightly and beamed in anticipation of the older manís happiness.
For a moment Chakotay froze in his arms, his brown eyes searching Tomís face in disbelief, and then his face contorted into rage. He jerked backwards out of Tomís arms, scrambling to his feet, his face flushed with outrage. Tom cowered in terror, completely bewildered as Chakotayís hands clenched and then with a howl Chakotay smashed a fist into the wall with a sickening crunch.
Sobbing with fear and confusion, Tom could only watch helplessly as Chakotay struck the wall again and again.
"Chak?" he wailed "What did I do wrong?"
Chakotay turned his furious eyes on the pilot. Tom was wringing his hands in misery, his whole body trembling, his eyes flooded with fresh tears.
The anger drained out of Chakotay, his whole body seeming to shrink and wither before Tomís eyes until only a dejected husk of a man stood before him, his head bowed with misery, his face suddenly old and tired.
"Youíre such a bastard, Tom." Chakotay said quietly "I know you canít help it. I know you donít mean to do it. But you are such a little shit sometimes."
"Chak, I Ė "
"Shut up, Tom. Just fucking shut up! I donít want to hear it. Get some sleep; weíll talk later. Iím sorry, Tom. I just canít deal with you right now." Chakotay admitted bitterly and walked out of the bedroom, slamming the door behind him.
He threw himself onto the couch, finally letting the misery explode out of him in huge gulping sobs. His hand throbbed, his knuckles hot and swollen from his abuse. He welcomed the pain, accepting it as his due. He had sworn at Tom, had rejected him, frightened him and then stormed out leaving the poor bastard alone.
He knew he had to go back and apologise. He had to make sure Tom was okay. But he simply couldnít do it. He was human too. He had feelings. Tomís bizarre lie had shattered him and he was too tired to pretend that it hadnít.
Chakotay had never truly been in love before. He didnít have the experience to deal with this kind of heartache. For weeks he had dreamed of the day Tom would finally love him back. He knew that Tom had meant well, that he hadnít meant to be cruel, that Tomís acting was as involuntary as his need for Ted. But knowing that still didnít ease the hurt.
He was just too tired, he decided heíd apologise later when he was in control of his emotions again.
Tom had scrambled off the bed in panic, following Chakotay to the door but too frightened to follow him through it. He sank down onto the floor and rested the back of his head on the cool metal of the door. He could hear Chakotayís weeping and it rocked him to his soul.
He had fucked up. Fucked up, big time. He didnít understand why. Daddy had always liked it if he said, "I love you." But Chakotay wasnít his daddy. He was different. He KNEW that. Except Chakotay wanted what his daddy wanted, what they ALL wanted. Only he didnít, not exactly. His head hurt. He couldnít think straight any more. Chakotay was different. He LIKED Chakotay, he liked living with Chakotay.
Maybe Chakotay didnít want him anymore. Chakotay was mad with him. Maybe he wanted him to leave.
Chakotay heard the bedroom door open and Tomís footsteps creeping stealthily across the room. He didnít look up, he didnít want to watch Tom trying to sneak off again, probably with a bag in one hand, teddy in the other. The feeling of déjà vu was just too painful.
Yet again, for the second night running, he had let Tom down. No wonder the poor bastard kept trying to run away from him.
He gasped in surprise as Tomís footsteps approached rather than receded. Opening his eyes cautiously he saw Tomís hesitant approach. The younger man was still wringing his hands nervously, his eyes downcast, and his lips trembling as he sank to his knees next to the couch and buried his head into Chakotayís chest.
"Iím sorry." He whispered
"So am I, honey, so am I." Chakotay replied. He swung himself up on the couch, his legs straddling either side of Tomís body, and he gently raised Tomís chin so that he could look into the beautiful blue eyes.
"Weíll get through this, Tom, I promise you. Just try and remember that I have feelings too. It hurts me too much when you lie to me. Stop pretending, Tom. Stop trying to be what you THINK I want you to be. Just be yourself. Say what you want to say, not what you think I want to hear, otherwise I will never know when you ARE telling me the truth." He told Tom gently.
"I just wanted you to be happy." Tom said in confusion.
"Why?" Chakotay demanded
Tom bit back his automatic glib response. Chakotay wanted him to tell the truth. He was terrified of the older manís reaction but was even more frightened of lying again. Chakotay waited patiently, one of his hands absently caressing Tomís neck in a mutually soothing touch.
"You were crying and it hurt me. Hurt me inside. I felt guilty. I just wanted you to stop crying Chak." Tom confessed
Chakotay looked at Tom in wonder. Somewhere, deep inside, underneath the careful façade perhaps Tom was truly beginning to care about him.
"Letís go to bed, Tom." He said gently, rising to his feet and then helping Tom up.
"Can we Ė "
"Oh" Tom said sadly
"Come on." Chakotay said, hiding an amused grin as he took Tomís hand and led him back into the bedroom.
Tom quickly stripped, unashamedly throwing his clothes into a pile on the floor, and then throwing himself onto the bed.
Chakotay eyes helplessly devoured Tomís perfect body, his cock stirring hungrily as his vision panned down the swirl of red gold hairs that trailed like an inviting arrow towards Tomís groin. He quickly averted his eyes. "UNDER the covers, Tom." He snapped and charged into the bathroom, closing the door behind him.
Tom sighed sadly. He knew Chakotay had said "No" but it had still been worth a try. He crept under the covers and lowering the lights he waited for Chakotay to join him.
In the bathroom, Chakotay fumbled with his trousers with shaky fingers. He was so hard he felt like he might explode. The sight of Tomís nakedness, following so quickly from his emotional deluge had completely overwhelmed him. His fingers met hot stickiness as he freed himself. His cock was already weeping with anticipation.
Spreading the pre-cum over his palm he began to pump himself furiously. Once, twice, three-times and he erupted with such force that he splattered the wall with his pearly cum. Gasping, he sat down on the toilet seat to catch his breath before cleaning up and changing into his pajamas.
Tom heard Chakotayís muffled scream and the bedclothes tented with his bodyís instantaneous reaction. Oh, Jesus, it was too much to take, he decided. He was so wound up from his emotional collapse that he was desperate for the blissful physical release of an orgasm. Furtively he snaked his hands under the sheet and cupping his heavy balls in one hand, he began to tease his erection with the other.
He shuddered with bliss as his fingers played up and down his shaft, bringing him closer and closer to satisfaction, only to freeze with despair as Chakotay crashed cheerfully out of the bathroom with a satisfied grin on his face.
Tom swallowed his automatic anger at the older manís selfishness. At least Chak was smiling again. He didnít dare risk saying anything that would set him off again.
Chakotay slipped under the sheet and cuddled up to Tomís back, his left arm draped over the younger man in a loose hug and within seconds his eyes closed.
His left arm effectively pinned by Chakotay, Tom shuffled until his right arm was free and he slipped it slowly down to the burgeoning pressure in his groin. Listening fearfully to Chakotayís steady breathing, praying desperately that the older man was truly sleeping, Tom began to hump his fingers, biting his lips in case he cried out.
"What are you doing, Tom?" Chakotay asked sleepily as Tom jerked in his arms.
Tom froze in horror.
"N-n-n-othing" he moaned with frustration
Chakotayís eyes snapped open as realisation struck him. The poor bastard obviously had the same problem he had so selfishly already taken care of in the privacy of the bathroom. Sometimes he was so dumb, he decided.
He reached his left hand down Tomís body until he found Tomís cock and he closed his fist gently over the velvet hardness. Tom whimpered and pushed back against him in gratitude as he ran his thumb teasingly over the weeping slit. The pilot rolled onto his back, opening his legs and arching his spine so that Chakotayís hand had free access.
Chakotay gradually increased his rhythm, watching Tom squirming helplessly on the bed, his eyes closed, his mouth gasping in bliss. Tomís lower lip was bruised and puffy from where he had been biting it. Chakotay couldnít resist the urge to lean down and kiss it. Tomís tongue snaked out and invaded his mouth, swiftly turning the gentle kiss into something wilder.
As Chakotay pumped Tomís cock, Tomís tongue matched the rhythm, fucking him furiously. Chakotay reared his head back in surprise at the thought that suddenly invaded him. His hand released Tomís cock and he sat up in bed, his mind whirling.
Tom groaned in frustration, his own hands diving down to complete the job that Chakotay had so rudely ceased.
"Donít do that" Chakotay snapped, "Iíll be right back."
Tom froze, watching with disbelief as Chakotay disappeared into the bathroom. He wanted to scream with disappointment but years of whoring had trained him too well for him to deny Chakotayís bewildering order.
"Bastard" he whispered at the closed door and began to cry.
In the bathroom Chakotay leant his forehead against the cool glass of the bathroom and closed his eyes.
He couldnít believe he was actually going to do what he was about to do. It had been years. He hadnít even enjoyed the experience. But he was pretty damn sure it would be a first for Tom. It would be clean, untainted, something special for the younger man. It would give him the illusion of control and Tom so desperately needed to feel safe.
He could do this, he decided.
Chakotay reached into the bathroom cabinet and rummaged until he found a tube of lubricant, then he unfastened his pajama bottoms, raised one leg up onto the toilet seat and then slowly and painstakingly began to prepare himself, stretching and easing the tight resistant muscles of his sphincter.
Tom was still crying when Chakotay finally emerged. His unsatisfied cock stuck up in the air like an accusing finger. The fact that Tom had obviously not dared to touch himself made Chakotayís resolve stronger. Tom desperately needed to learn some self-respect.
Seeing Chakotay emerge from the bathroom naked, Tom didnít know whether to laugh or cry. He was so desperate to come that he didnít care if the Commander split his ass in two, but he had imagined that Chakotay would at least have ASKED him first. Sighing with a mix of disappointment and relief he spread his legs invitingly.
Chakotay climbed on top of him, straddling his hips and forcing his knees back together with the inside of his muscular thighs.
Chakotay leant down and kissed Tom, his tongue dancing in the younger manís mouth even as his erection rubbed happily against Tomís.
"I want to ask you a favour, Tom." He whispered softly when their lips finally broke apart.
Tom sighed ecstatically. He KNEW Chakotay would ask him before fucking him. The fact that the answer was a done deal didnít stop the pleasantry from warming his heart.
"Sure, Chak, anything." He said blissfully
"Would you fuck me, Tom?" Chakotay whispered softly
Tom jerked in surprise; his head connected violently with Chakotayís nose and blood splattered both their faces.
"Oh shit, oh shit, Iím sorry." Tom garbled in panic.
Chakotay rubbed his nose gingerly. "You could have just said ĎNoí" he joked gently "You didnít have to break my nose."
"Did I?" Tom gasped in terror
"No, itís just a nose bleed. Iím fine. Really." Chakotay assured him "You didnít answer my question though."
Tom gaped at him in shock, even as his cock stirred angrily at his own prevarication.
"Iíve Ė Iíve Ė um Ė never Ė never Ė "
Chakotay smiled happily.
"Thatís what I figured, Tom. It will be something special. Something just for us." He explained
Tomís eyes brimmed with tears. Taking Tomís emotional response as a yes, Chakotay handed him the tube of lube. Wordlessly Tom began to smooth the gel over his cock with a trembling hand, his eyes darting fearfully towards Chakotay in expectation that this was just some kind of cruel joke.
It was only when Chakotay rolled onto his front and raised himself on to his hands and kneels invitingly that Tom truly believed it was happening.
Hesitantly Tom ran a finger down Chakotayís cleft, making the older man shiver in a combination of anticipation and dread. Tom bent and kissed each of Chakotayís cheeks in worship, running his disbelieving hands down Chakotayís muscular hips before gently parting Chakotayís buttocks and staring in wonder at the glistening hole. His own many experiences made him carefully cover a finger with a generous dollop of lubrication before questing slowly into Chakotayís hot depths.
Chakotayís ass accepted him so quickly and easily that Tom began to cry again at the older manís trust. It never occurred to him that Chakotay had spent those long minutes in the bathroom preparing the way. With infinite care he withdrew his finger and then coated his middle finger too and gently pushed the two digits inside until he found the sensitive nub of Chakotayís prostate and stroked it carefully.
Chakotay nearly jumped off the bed. His last, and in fact only, experience as a Ďbottomí had been a drunken party in the academy when an older, drunker and definitely thoughtless student had decided to re-arrange his insides. Ever since then, Chakotay had always topped, believing that Ďbottomsí simply had different nerve endings in their asses since they enjoyed something that had quite honestly been one of the most painful experiences of his life.
It had taken all of his courage to offer this to Tom, not to mention a huge weight of residual guilt about the way he had overreacted to Tomís declaration of Ďloveí.
Consequently, the unbelievably pleasurable feelings coursing though his whole body from Tomís gentle fingers almost blew him away. He moaned, hanging his head and shuddering with pleasure from Tomís internal stroking.
"Ca-can I do it now?" Tom asked hesitantly, knowing that if he listened to Chakotayís moaning for another second he would erupt on the bed.
"Oh, yeah, Tom." Chakotay agreed mindlessly
Tomís smiled so widely it hurt his cheeks. He simply couldnít believe this was happening to him. Holding Chakotayís hips for balance, he positioned himself for entrance, stopped in worry and quickly applied more lube to himself, just in case, and then slowly began to push himself into the warm hole.
Chakotay gasped as he felt Tomís cock stretching and filling him. Tom froze in place, nobly waiting for permission to continue. The momentary pain eased and Chakotay began to enjoy the sensation of being filled by Tomís warmth.
"Fuck me, Tom" he said firmly.
Tom slowly pushed himself further in to the tight warmth until his balls finally slapped against Chakotayís heavy scrotum. Which reminded him that Chakotay had a cock too. He snaked a hand around Chakotayís hips and grasped the older manís penis, delighted to find that it was as aroused as his own.
Chakotay jerked at the sudden stimulation, finding that the combination of being filled and stroked simultaneously brought an unimagined depth to his arousal. He thrust his buttocks backwards against Tom in a desperate hint and Tom responded, easing himself almost out before thrusting slowly back in.
"Oh shit!" Chakotay gasped in complete disbelief "Thatís so good." He clarified, terrified Tom would stop.
It was all the encouragement Tom needed. It had been weeks since he had had real sex and he had NEVER experienced anything as fantastic as this. It was like fucking a woman, except it was hotter and tighter and better and he actually was genuinely turned on for a change.
His thrusts became faster and harder until Chakotay was clinging to the bed covers to keep himself in place. Each time Tom hit Chakotayís prostate the older man howled and pushed back, his strong thighs hitting the front of Tomís trembling legs and forcefully reminding Tom that Chakotay was so much bigger and stronger than him but was still allowing HIM to do this.
Knowing he couldnít last any longer, he frantically stimulated Chakotayís cock and as the big man bucked and came beneath him Tom felt himself explode inside Chakotay so violently that his vision blurred and he collapsed onto the older man. Chakotay sank under Tomís dead weight, feeling Tomís cock soften and slide out of him.
He was going to be as sore as hell tomorrow, he decided ruefully. He had been as carried away as the pilot and his ass was already screaming in protest. But shit, it had been the hottest thing he had ever experienced.
Tom stirred and looked at him worriedly, his blue eyes searching desperately for approval in the older manís face.
"Thank you, Tom." Chakotay said softly and the relieved grin that transformed Tomís face was worth any amount of soreness.
Tom scrambled happily up the bed and threw himself into Chakotayís arms, kissing him with wild enthusiasm, before sinking against Chakotayís chest, tucking his head into Chakotayís neck and sighing softly.
Chakotay hugged him for a few moments before the sensation of semen and lube trickling from his stretched ass distracted him.
"I think we need to clean up, honey." He murmured softly.
Tomís only answer was a contented snore.
Oh well, Chakotay decided ruefully, what the hell, and he rested his chin on top of Tomís soft hair and closed his eyes.