"You want me to wear WHAT?" Chakotay roared at Neelix.
The little Talaxian bobbed his head nervously at the First Officerís fury.
"Itís for morale, just a costume party."
"A bloody VICARS AND TARTS party! Whose stupid idea was that? No donít tell me, I can feel the hands of Tom in this, donít bother denying it."
"Um, well, since the visit of the Andovian Ambassadors has been so demoralizing, I suggested a party to the Captain to celebrate their departure and she agreed and recommended a costume party but she didnít donate enough credits for really elaborate costumes, so I asked Tom to suggest a simple theme where people could borrow stuff off other crew members and itís only the accessories that need to be added. Like shoes." And he looked sadly at the size 10 stilettos that Chakotay had thrown to the ground in fury.
"I made them for you specially." He pleaded.
"I AM NOT WEARING THEM!" Chakotay spat. "In fact I think the whole idea is ludicrous and Iím not going to attend."
"Captainís orders" lilted a soft voice and Chakotay spun to see the smug grinning face of his lover.
"I thought youíd be glad to see the back of those puritanical Andovian creeps. Particularly since they are so homophobic Iíve had to spend the last week in guest quarters!"
"Tom, the thought of having you back in my bed makes me want to run around the room and shout in glee, it doesnít make me want to dress up like a TART!"
"I donít see what all the fuss is about, ChakÖI mean you like costumes" and the pilot leered suggestively
"Only on you, flyboy!" Chakotay replied nastily, "Particularly that little pink baby doll number with the matching head band"
Tom went scarlet with embarrassment as Neelix pricked his ears up with glee
"And of course the fluffy fake-fur handcuffs are just the perfect Ďaccessoriesí."
"Could I have a picture of you in that outfit Tom?" Neelix chortled merrily "It would make a wonderful addition to ĎBreakfast with Neelixí"
"Shut up, Chak or I wonít help you put your make-up on!" Tom hissed nastily
"I AM NOT WEARING MAKE-UP"
"Youíve got a tattoo, I donít see the difference myself. Anyway, youíd look pretty stupid in THAT outfit without red-lipstick"
"Just think of it as war paint if it makes you feel any better." Tom sniggered as he picked up Chakotayís costume from the floor and dragged his reluctant lover back to their quarters to change.
"Hold still, if you donít stop jerking your head youíre going to end up wearing these false eyelashes as a moustache."
"Seems like a good idea to me" Chakotay griped, swiveling to look in the mirror.
A huge blowsy brunette looked back at him with pouty scarlet lips. His shiny rubber look mini-dress was so tight that it forced his pecs up into a natural cleavage, which was only partially concealed by the curly black wig that fell past his bare shoulders. His very short skirt revealed shapely legs in fishnet stockings and high heels.
"Good job you donít have body hair, babe" Tom smirked as he made a few adjustments to Chakotayís Ďbreastsí.
"I look RIDICULOUS, Tom"
"Thatís the point, Chak. Itís a PARTY for christsakes. Everybody is going to look ridiculous. Anyway, at least youíve got a great pair of legs."
Chakotay looked in the mirror again.
"Umm, yeah, I DO donít I?"
"Okay, try not to smudge your make-up and Iíll go and fetch my costume."
"I donít see why you get to be the Vicar"
"Because traditionally, the man wears the Tartís gear and the woman wears the Vicarís outfit."
"Youíre not a woman, Tom."
"I know Chak, but since you like everyone to assume that Iím the bottom in our relationship, it is better if I go as a vicar, all right?"
"Oh, okay then." Chakotay replied, somewhat mollified.
When Tom returned a long time later simply wearing a plain black robe and a white dog collar, Chakotay decided that he had definitely got the raw end of the deal.
"What took you so long?" Chakotay snarled
"Oh, Neelix just wanted to discuss a few last minute details with me." Tom replied truthfully
"The party started half an hour ago. I think you just want us to make a dramatic entrance." Chakotay huffed. He just wanted to get the whole damn thing over and done with. "Lets go!"
Tom meekly followed his mincing steps down the thankfully deserted corridor until they reached the mess hall and then he hung back to let Chakotay step alone into the crowded room.
He had to bite his cheeks to stop his laughter erupting.
What he had failed to tell Chakotay was that the reason Neelix had spoken to him was to tell him that the Ambassadors last minute decision to stay another night had resulted in the theme party being cancelled.
After all, Chakotay shouldnít have mentioned the baby doll outfit.