The Shattering of the Mask 30
See part 1 for disclaimer
Tom shuffled nervously on his chair for the umpteenth time. Chakotay looked at him in concern but as soon as he caught Tom's eyes, the pilot ducked his head and pretended a fascination with his own navel.
Chakotay sighed and shifted his weight slightly to ease the pressure on his knees. His minute adjustment of position was enough to make Tom's head jerk up in panic once more. When Tom realised that Chakotay wasn't attempting to rise from "position," he relaxed again slightly and pretended to read a data padd.
Even from his location on the floor, on the opposite side of the room, Chakotay could see that the data padd was upside down. He sighed again. It was Sunday morning, he had been kneeling in the corner for two hours now and it seemed that he would spend the whole day just watching Tom falling apart if he didn't do something about it.
After speaking to Kathryn, he had also made a point of talking to the Doctor and Tuvok. He had been sure that at least *one* of the three could have inspired Tom to do something more with him than place him in the corner and then shiver as though he was sharing his quarters with a dangerous beast.
Without taking obvious control, Chakotay was going to have to force Tom to deal with him. "Topping from the bottom" was what the Doctor had called it. It was another of those things that, as Kathryn had pointed out, sounded fine in theory but was a hell of a lot harder to do in reality.
Chakotay had an idea but he wasn't sure whether he could go through with it. It went against every fibre of his being to try it at all, and it could blow up in his face if Tom over-reacted. On the other hand, it was also perhaps his best shot.
"Tom?" he whispered quietly.
"SHUT UP," Tom shrieked, a little hysterically, his eyes darting nervously towards the door as though he might bolt.
"Tom, I need to -"
"You need to shut the fuck up," Tom hissed back, in obvious panic at Chakotay's seeming defiance.
Chakotay took a deep breath, closed his eyes and willed his reluctant body to obey him. For a long time nothing happened as his bladder refused his summons, but eventually, the pressure in his kidneys increased as all the water that he had deliberately drunk in the privacy of the bathroom earlier began to force its way through his body.
Despite his relief when his reluctant bladder finally obeyed, Chakotay didn't have to fake the hot flush of embarrassment that stained his cheeks as Tom's nostrils flared and he looked over to see the rapidly spreading darkness at Chakotay's groin.
"Oh, Shit. Oh, Shit. I'm sorry," Tom garbled helplessly.
"May I?" Chakotay asked mildly.
"Shit, yeah. I'm sorry, Chak. I'm so sorry," Tom replied frantically.
It wasn't quite the reaction that Chakotay had hoped for. He had apparently forced Tom into the same situation enough times that there should have been at least a modicum of satisfaction in Tom's expression rather than this hand-wringing guilt. Nevertheless, it meant Chakotay had an excuse to take his clothes off, which had to be a move in the right direction.
He hauled himself to his feet, pretending to ignore the way that Tom unconsciously moved so that the sofa became a barrier between them, and he slowly walked to the bathroom. He stripped off, took a quick shower, then walked back into the living room to place his soiled clothing into the refresher, before resuming his former position on the floor.
"Wha - wha- what are you doing?" Tom choked, bug-eyed.
Chakotay looked calmly down at his own naked body.
"Assuming position," he replied mildly.
For the next hour or so, the silence between them was so thick with tension that Chakotay imagined he could cut it with a knife. He pointedly kept his eyes fixed on the carpet between his open knees so that he appeared oblivious of the way Tom's eyes were raking his body in a mixture of horror and fascination. He could sense Tom's interest through every pore of his skin and his cock betrayed him, twitching to life and slowly engorging so that its already eye-catching size seemed to double as it filled with blood.
He could hear Tom's breathing coming in sharp, terrified gasps and Chakotay began to believe he had made a serious error as Tom shot to his feet. He looked up in panic to see Tom's face screwed up in a mixture of fear and anger.
"Bastard," Tom hissed.
Chakotay flinched slightly but met Tom's eyes.
"You like that?" Tom demanded. "Does it turn you on?"
Chakotay looked down guiltily at his own erection and shrugged in genuine puzzlement.
"It seems so," he confessed.
"Do you think it turned *me* on?" Tom demanded furiously. "Is *that* what you think? Do you think I *liked* it? Do you think I *asked* for it?"
Chakotay flushed as he heard the pain in Tom's voice.
"No," he mumbled.
Tom sat down again, his fury evident in the way he crashed his body painfully into the chair. Chakotay winced at the sound.
They were silent again for an interminable time before Tom spoke again.
"It wasn't like *that* for me," he hissed.
Tom pointed at Chakotay's swollen cock then bit his lower lip and looked away.
"What was it like?" Chakotay asked gently when it seemed that Tom would say no more on the subject.
Something dark twisted in Tom's face and his blue eyes were dark and haunted when he finally met Chakotay's gaze.
"Don't you remember?" Tom mocked, his voice bitter and a tic dancing at the edge of his left eye.
Chakotay watched Tom's elegant fingers twisting together nervously but he said nothing, merely waiting for Tom to find words to release his obvious tension.
"No, of course you don't," Tom finally muttered in defeat. "You're not sitting there with a fucking great dildo up your ass. You don't have a leather strap cutting your cock and balls in half, and you're not scared out of your fucking mind are you? This is just a game to you, isn't it?"
"It's not a game," Chakotay replied firmly.
Tom's eyes flashed.
"You wanna *know*? Really *know* how I felt?" he yelled suddenly.
A tear trickled down Chakotay's cheekbone and dripped to the floor.
"Yes," he whispered. "Please, Tom. Help me understand your pain."
"Fuck you," Tom hissed, pulling his knees up protectively and huddling in his chair.
Chakotay watched him rock in misery and made a decision. He rose slowly to his feet and headed for the replicator, ignoring Tom's gasp of combined fear and confusion as he broke position.
"What are you doing?" Tom finally squeaked when Chakotay turned back from the replicator. His eyes opened in shock as he saw what Chakotay was holding and he gave a nervous laugh.
"You serious?" he whispered, a little pleadingly.
"Yes," Chakotay replied.
For a moment Tom's face remained stunned and a little confused. Then the corner of his mouth quirked and he reached forward and snatched the dildo out of Chakotay's hands and went to the replicator himself. When he turned back Chakotay's eyes narrowed in confusion.
"It has to match your eyes, Chak. Didn't you know that?" Tom asked bitterly.
Chakotay swallowed and nodded quietly as he accepted the replacement from Tom's hands.
"How do I - " he began.
"I'm sure you'll figure it out. Just use lots of lube," Tom replied nastily. He turned away in dismissal and waited until Chakotay disappeared into the bathroom before he began to shake with reaction. He knew from experience that it would take Chakotay a long time to stretch himself adequately, if he *was* really serious. He hurried over to his personal console and called the Doctor.
"Doc," he whispered furtively.
"Good Morning, Tom," the Doctor replied cheerfully, determined to hide his irritation at being disturbed in the middle of a recitation of Don Giovanni.
"Shush," Tom whispered. "He'll hear you."
The Doctor's irritation vanished to be replaced by concern as Tom quickly filled him in on the morning's events.
"What am I going to do now?" Tom asked helplessly.
"I think it is an ideal opportunity for you to do what we discussed, don't you?" the Doctor replied mildly.
Tom flushed. "I don't think I can," he admitted.
"You said you wanted to do it," the Doctor reminded him. "It seems that the Commander would not be averse to the idea."
Tom swallowed nervously.
"What if he, if he, um, turns on me?"
"Do what the Captain suggested, Tom. Put the handcuffs on the bed and tell him to put them on. Don't enter the bedroom yourself until he has done so and keep your comm badge open. I will make sure that you are transported out of there instantly if you get into difficulty."
"You're going to listen?" Tom asked in horror.
"Tom, I am a doctor *and* a hologram. I assure you my discretion is impeccable. As soon as I know you are fine, I will sever the connection myself," the Doctor lied, deciding that his research into human mating rituals was *far* more interesting than opera, after all.
Tom's face relaxed a little at his assurance.
"Thanks doc," he whispered.
"Good luck," the Doctor replied, and this time his words were sincere.
Chakotay looked helplessly at the dildo again. He refused to let pain and a little plastic defeat him but his virgin ass was having nothing to do with his attempts to insert the rigid fake penis. Maybe he should have gone for a smaller size. He had wanted to impress Tom by choosing exactly the same size as he had apparently forced Tom to wear and his eyes watered in sympathy at what he had put the pilot through.
He had used his fingers, and most of a tube of lubrication so far, to loosen his sphincter but still the blunt object refused to enter him and he knew instinctively that if he simply forced it in to himself, the resultant tearing and blood would stop Tom from even dreaming of touching him.
Ashamed he finally accepted defeat and returned to the living room, the dildo clenched in his lube slicked fingers. Head drooping in embarrassment he stopped a safe distance from Tom and admitted, "I can't do it."
Strangely, his shame-faced admission helped Tom feel more in control of the situation.
"Never taken it up the ass before, huh?" Tom asked, his words both mocking and oddly sympathetic at the same time.
Chakotay shook his head miserably.
"So, you're a virgin?" Tom laughed.
Chakotay's head shot up in obvious embarrassment and he swallowed a couple of times before he could swallow his pride enough to confess.
"Not technically, but since I don't remember, then yes, I guess so."
A look of stunned comprehension passed over Tom's face.
"You mean you've never, at all?" he asked quietly.
"I read the report. I know about, about Simon," he mumbled. "And I know what I did to you. But I don't remember any of it."
"There was no-one else? No one before?" Tom demanded incredulously.
Chakotay refused to look at him.
"No," he whispered.
"I thought you and Seska," Tom started.
Chakotay gave a bitter chuckle as he gazed at his own groin.
"We kind of did it, but she wouldn't let me, well, you know," he mumbled.
"She wouldn't let you fuck her?" Tom asked bluntly.
Chakotay shook his head miserably.
"No. No one ever did," he confessed finally. Then he looked up at Tom with eyes full of self-loathing and misery. "Maybe I *did* know what I was doing, Tom. Have you thought of that? Maybe it just all got to much for me, being a freak, never having anyone touch me, having every one look at me like I was abnormal."
"Hey, don't flatter yourself, Chak. You're not *that* big," Tom replied with a surprising attempt at humor.
Chakotay was stunned, yet again, by Tom's capacity for compassion.
"I'm sorry," he said sincerely, "Perhaps something a little smaller?" he suggested tentatively.
Tom's smile was not reassuring as he replied. "I'm not *that* small, Chak."
Dry-mouthed with shock as Tom's words sank in, Chakotay could only manage to nod his agreement. This *was* what he had offered Tom, after all. There was no point in complaining just because he was surprised that Tom had finally decided to take him up on his offer.
"Go into the bedroom and get ready for me," Tom said quietly, hoping his face wasn't betraying his fear.
Chakotay simply nodded and complied. He was startled to see the soft fur-lined handcuffs lain out on the bed. When he had suggested the idea to Kathryn he had imagined chains or something, not these fluffy toys. Still, it was amazing that Tom had decided to give it a try, and just because his ass was now clenching nervously now that the idea of being penetrated was suddenly becoming a reality, he was determined to make this as easy on Tom as possible.
Tom saw the way Chakotay's ass muscles were clenching and rippling in nervousness and he hid a small smile. Suddenly, for the first time in weeks, he felt better about everything. In just a little while longer he was going to have what his body had been screaming out for, but without fear, without pain.
He was barely able to breathe as he watched Chakotay fasten the cuffs around his wrists and then attach his right hand to the headboard. Then he lay down on the bed, offering his left arm upwards for Tom to complete the bondage. His cock was limp between his muscular thighs and Tom could see the rapid rise and fall of Chakotay's chest, yet still the big man was obviously willing to submit himself to whatever indignity Tom would offer, and Tom's heart lurched a little as he moved forward to fasten the other cuff to the headboard before his shaking fingers started to unfasten his pants.
Chakotay kept his eyes tightly shut, unable to look at Tom without showing his terror. He shifted his hips and opened his legs invitingly as Tom finished undressing and clambered onto the bed to kneel between Chakotay's thighs.
Chakotay braced himself for Tom's assault on his ass, expecting no more than the rude feel of Tom's cock between his legs before he was breached. Instead, he gasped as his right nipple received a teasing lick. His eyes shot open and he looked straight into blue eyes that were happy and shadow free for the first time in weeks.
Tom grinned and then attacked Chakotay's left nipple, licking and nibbling it to a hard nub. Then he traced a long, lazy swirl of kisses downwards towards Chakotay's groin.
Chakotay bucked in surprise as Tom's tongue licked down the length of his shaft.
"What are you doing?" he gasped as his cock surged back to life.
Tom dipped the tip of his tongue into the slit in Chakotay's cockhead, sending a spasming reaction back through Chakotay's groin.
"Oh, shit," Chakotay gasped.
Tom gave an evil grin and then started to tease his lips around Chakotay's now erect cock at the same time as his right hand snaked between their bodies so that his index finger could press against the loosened muscles of Chakotay's hole.
Chakotay gasped as the lube slicked finger entered him and unerringly found his prostate. The sensation caused him to buck his hips wildly once more.
"Like that?" Tom whispered as he released Chakotay's cock from his mouth and concentrated on finding Chakotay's internal g-spot.
Chakotay sobbed in agreement, deciding that maybe the idea of Tom's cock in his ass wasn't such a bad idea after all. Hell, if Tom's finger could feel *that* good, wouldn't his cock just feel better?
Tom contemplated adding a second finger, but Chakotay's ass was so tight he wasn't sure he could do it without tearing him. No wonder Chak hadn't managed to insert the dildo. He moved slightly to get a better position and Chakotay's ass clamped painfully around his index finger in reaction. Despite Chakotay's groans of pleasure and his obvious decision to let Tom call the shots, his body was undeniably terrified .
Tom decided that it was time to get on with the *real* purpose of the bondage before Chakotay's cock lost its wonderful stiffness.
He eased forward over Chakotay's chest and moved his knees one at a time until he was now straddling Chakotay's hips. Then he reached behind himself and pulled out the fat butt plug that he had been wearing almost constantly for two days since he had discussed his idea with the Doctor.
"Tom, what are you doing?" Chakotay gasped in shock. "You can't do this!"
"Do I need to gag you?" Tom asked sweetly. "It would be a shame, 'cos I wanted to listen to you scream as you cum."
Chakotay swallowed convulsively, but as Tom lowered his ass so that Chakotay could feel his own cockhead pressing at the well-lubed opening, his own desire was overwhelmed by panic.
"Tom, no. Please. I can't do this. I can't bear to hurt you, please To-" his words were abruptly cut off as Tom stuffed his own discarded shirt in Chakotay's mouth.
"I warned you," Tom sang happily as he sat down slowly.
"Oh shit," he gasped. He had forgotten just how thick Chakotay's cock was. He had to pause a moment, fighting for breath, his eyes watering a little. Then he felt the walls of his passage begin to relax and he slowly eased down, sparing a smile to try and chase away the terror that had flashed into Chakotay's eyes at his cry of pain.
It felt so good to be filled again like this. Made whole once more. The aching void of loneliness filled with the throbbing heat of Chakotay's cock. No fear now. No pain. Just everything he wanted without the terror that had always accompanied it before.
He slid slowly up and down Chakotay's length, feeling the delicious sensation of velvet sheathed steel as it glided easily against his own flesh, sending shafts of liquid fire through his whole body.
Tom paused long enough to release the shirt from Chakotay's mouth before he choked and then stopped the vocalization of any protests by changing his angle slightly and starting to bob up and down on Chakotay's lap.
"Oh, Spirits, Tom. That's ughh, oh shit, you're aggh, oh FUCK!" Chakotay howled, tears streaming down his face as the younger man thrust himself up and down his length, his head thrown back in ecstasy.
"Please, Tom," he gasped. "Release my hands."
Tom froze, his eyes flashing open in a combination of terror and dread.
"Let me touch you," Chakotay begged, his eyes riveted on the hardness between Tom's own thighs.
Tom followed his vision and gave a blinding smile as he seemed to notice his own erection for the first time.
"No," he purred, leaning forward so that he could support and control his weight on his right hand, while the fingers of his left wrapped around his cock and he began to stroke it in rhythm with his own rise and descent on Chakotay's shaft.
Chakotay gave up all pretence of self-control, beginning to lift his hips to meet Tom's descent and humping desperately against the tight hotness of Tom's ass. He had never felt anything so wonderful, or at least couldn't remember feeling it, as the warm caress of Tom's internal muscles.
He relaxed and embraced the sensation, understanding that *this* was what Tom wanted, to be fucked, not to fuck, but to be in control.
"No fear," Chakotay whispered in complete understanding at last.
Tom looked down on him, his eyes sparkling with undeniable love.
"No fear," he agreed and he smiled.
As he saw Chakotay's answering smile, the last of Tom's reservations left him. He increased his pace, so that he could focus on nothing but the feel of Chakotay's cock inside him as he fucked his own fist in tandem. He came with a scream, his cum spilling over Chakotay's chest in pearly ribbons, and his ass clenched tightly on its invader, forcing Chakotay to his own climax.
Chakotay came with a roar as the pain/pleasure of his own completion drove him over the edge and he bucked wildly into Tom's now docile ass until he could feel the sticky warmth of his cum filling the exhausted blond whose head was now collapsed on Chakotay's chest.
"Why?" he asked when he finally caught his breath and the enormity of Tom's gift overwhelmed him.
"I guess no one else fits anymore," Tom replied, and it was only half a joke.
"I'm so sorry, Tom," Chakotay started.
Tom quietened him with a deep, breath-stealing kiss.
"I love you," Tom told him when they finally broke apart.
"But you fear me," Chakotay told him sadly, pulling a little at his restraints for emphasis.
"Do you mind?" Tom asked solemnly, his eyes a little ashamed as he looked at the handcuffs.
"I only mind because you find them necessary Tom. I don't deserve your trust and I don't expect it. I will do anything you need me to do to prove that I trust *you* though."
"We're okay then?" Tom asked nervously, as though he was now wondering whether he dared release the handcuffs.
"What you just did, what *we* just did, was the most wonderful thing that I have ever experienced, Tom Paris. Thank you," Chakotay assured him.
"So, you really were a virgin, huh?"
"Yes," Chakotay admitted, blushing furiously.
"I think we should work on your other virginity," Tom mumbled into Chakotay's navel.
"A chocolate brown butt plug. Nice and small, at first, so you can wear it under your uniform. I like the idea of that when you're on the bridge behind me."
"You're worried about me coming back onto Alpha Shift tomorrow, aren't you?"
"You scare the shit out of me, Chak. I sit there at the helm and I can smell you behind me."
"I smell?" Chakotay asked in mock indignation.
"You smell good," Tom reassured him, giving a lick to Chakotay's still dripping cock. It lurched in response. "Forget it, my ass can't take any more," Tom snarled at it.
"Did I hurt you?" Chakotay asked, his eyes filling with horror.
"YOU didn't do ANYTHING to me," Tom snapped furiously. "I did it. It was ME."
Chakotay dipped his eyes in apology.
"I'm sorry," he mumbled.
"Look, Chak. I'm fucked up. We both know that. You want to help. You want to have a big guilt trip and make yourself feel better. Well, tough shit. I don't want your help. I just want your cock, okay?"
"Okay," Chakotay replied solemnly. "Consider it yours."
Tom's eyes narrowed in fury and he stiffened, only for him to just as quickly give a gulp of laughter and he smiled, his temper suddenly extinguished.
Chakotay released his pent up breath and relaxed a little. He was walking on eggshells with Tom, but he was beginning to understand that Tom couldn't cope with his constant apologies and kicked-puppy expressions. Tom dealt with stress with acerbic wit and it would be better for Tom if Chakotay tried to do the same.
Otherwise, he was doing what Kathryn had accused him of, ignoring Tom's needs in favor of his own. No apology could ever be enough, so maybe it was time for him to stop wasting his breath demanding a forgiveness that Tom couldn't possibly give. Tom didn't want to dwell on the past, he wanted to move forwards, heal and face the future.
"So what *do* you want to do with your new cock, Tom?" he asked lightly.
Tom's head reared up in disbelief to look into Chakotay's gently mocking eyes and he gave a small smile of appreciation.
"Wanna go play some pool?" he asked tentatively.
Chakotay maintained a straight face as he replied. "Like you said, Tom. It's not *that* big."
Tom barked with genuine laughter and climbed off the bed. Chakotay noted sadly that Tom took the time to clean himself and dress once more before releasing Chakotay's restraints, as though he needed the protection of his clothing before he would feel safe enough. He made no comment though, simply walking to the bathroom to do his own ablutions.
He dressed casually and met Tom in the living room.
"I forgot to ask," he said with studied nonchalance.
"What?" Tom asked nervously.
"Did you want me to wear a butt plug to Sandrines, or do you think you can kick my ass sufficiently without one?"
For a moment, Tom froze in terror and then a slow smile crept over his face.
"How are your rations, Chak?" he asked softly.
"Very healthy," Chakotay replied with an answering smile.
"Then get ready for the ass-kicking of your life," Tom smirked, and if his confident smile was a little forced, Chakotay saw no need to comment on it. He prepared himself to be well and truly humiliated at pool.
"Lead on," he grinned.
Tom's high-wattage smile dimmed a little.
"After you," he said with a pretence of casualness.
Chakotay winced a little but nodded and led the way out of Tom's quarters so that Tom wouldn't have to turn his back on him.