Exclusively written for FCANON
SLASH m/m Chakotay/Paris
The Crazy Horse was in orbit over Deneb, a planet sympathetic to the Maquis cause. Most of the crew had beamed down for R & R and to collect donations of fresh food and weapons.
Tom was in the cargo bay checking in the new supplies as they were transported up. It had been three weeks since their 'escape' and his seduction of Chakotay had begun to bear unexpected fruit in his own heart. The big gentle Captain had finally slept with him the night before and Tom was so confused over his resultant feelings that he had opted to stay on board, if only to get enough time on his own to think.
It had been a stressful three weeks. Tom had been aware of Seska's cold watchful eyes and knew that she would delight in reporting to Dukat that he had failed in his mission. Tom had known that the planned shoreleave on Deneb would give her a chance to contact the Cardassian station and he had felt nauseous at the consequences of a report that he had failed.
He had done everything in his power to seduce Chakotay but was limited by the role he was playing. Chakotay had fallen hook, line and sinker for Tom's portrayal of himself as a heart-broken victim of rape and had consequently been nobly restrained in his pursuit of the younger man.
Tom had been torn between despair and bewilderment. He had only been 16 when his father had handed him over to Starfleet Intelligence for his 'training' as a deep-cover operative. He had no idea of what to expect. He had never had a physical relationship before that time and his first introduction to sex had been at the rough hands of fellow operatives who had been instructed to prepare him for Dukat's known proclivities.
After his Ďtrainingí and the completion of the various medical enhancements necessary to enable him to both perform convincingly and to survive the experience, Tom had been relocated to Starfleet Academy. Still in shock at the horror of what had been done to him, Tom had been a quiet and solitary ghost figure in the Academy but his fellow cadets had assumed his distance had been arrogance about his connections and had shunned him.
Friendless he had studied hard, aware at all times of the unseen watchers who reported his every move to Intelligence, which meant to his father. He had spent his childhood in awe and terror of his parent but had never truly understood before his Ďtrainingí that the Admiral considered him merely to be a pawn for his own ambition, Tomís body a tool to be used in any way with no right of appeal.
This fact had been brought home even more forcefully when had been shaken awake one night by two silent strangers who had quickly bound and gagged him before dragging him into a transport. They had ignored the terrified boy for the two hours of their journey until, as Tom heard the shuttle land, they had approached him wordlessly with truncheons and had beaten him until they had shattered his legs, arms and collarbone.
Tom barely remembered being untied and dragged bleeding into the wreck of another shuttle. His battered body had been rammed into the twisted pilotís seat. The original pilotís body was removed and destroyed. Left alone in agony, surrounded by strewn pieces of the passengersí corpses, Tom had passed out.
By the time he woke up it was all over. The whole federation knew that Cadet Tom Paris had crashed a shuttle due to pilot error and had killed his three best friends. The fact that he hadnít even had any friends to kill seemed to go unnoticed by everyone. The records all proved that he had been on board and one of his fatherís minions had soon explained to him how the rest of the scenario was to be played.
Perhaps if even one of his teachers or fellow students had reached out to him he might have been able to tell the truth and thus avoid his fate. He might have been brave enough to refuse to co-operate with the plan that had destroyed his hope for a normal future.
As it was, Tom placidly told the required lies and then the further lies that purported to be the truth, and watched himself be thrown out of Starfleet in disgrace. The ultimate moment of anguish had been his own fatherís public denouncement of him. Perhaps until that moment he had been able to cling to the hope that it was all a terrible misunderstanding. That his father had not truly known what he was doing to his only son.
But seeing the hidden gleam of triumph in his fatherís ice-cold blue eyes, Tom had been finally forced to accept that he was alone. Nobody cared. He had nowhere to run to and no one to help him.
Then, still stunned and bewildered by what he considered his fatherís ultimate betrayal, he had been placed in the brothel on R'shen and had been kept in a drunken haze while he was well used by a multitude of alien customers before Dukat had Ďfoundí him. Since then he had been undercover as Dukat's whore, a valuable commodity used by Dukat to buy favours from various Cardassian nobles with the coin of Tomís pretty face and bleeding ass.
So Tom had never been romanced, had never known anyone who would put his feelings before their own desire. Chakotay's restraint and gentle affection had been so alien to Tom's expectations that he was beginning to obsess about the big Maquis. He dreamt childishly of somehow running away with Chakotay to some remote part of the galaxy where no one would find them.
Although he had no prior experience against which to compare, he suspected that he was falling in love with the older man. At the same time his fear was growing at an existential rate. If Seska gleefully reported his failure, Tom might be recalled to Cardassia. Tuvok would be ecstatic at Tomís return to the hive of Cardassian intelligence and would ensure that Tom could not avoid his fate. Tom would be back in his torturous existence as Dukat's catamite and he would never see Chakotay again.
In spite of his fear of the further physical pain and degradation he would suffer at Dukat's hands it was the thought of losing Chakotay that terrified him the most.
Although he knew that the big Maquis had only one ultimate aim, that of possessing his body, Tom was bewildered by Chakotayís treatment of him. He had learnt in the most definite way that to be the recipient of another manís sexual attention was to be hurt and humiliated almost beyond endurance. Yet he could not reconcile that knowledge with Chakotay. The Indianís gentleness and patience with him were in dramatic conflict with the beast that Tomís experiences had taught him must lurk beneath the calm exterior.
Having never experienced true pleasure during sex, Tom was incapable of even imagining that it existed. He knew that the hospitalís adaptation of his neural synapses to confuse his bodyís own signals always made him react with unthinking animal lust at the first sensation of pain. But in his own mind he knew the difference. He would mentally float outside of his writhing body and watch his own antics with horror and disgust.
He could not understand his own feelings towards the Captain. He could hardly imagine Chakotay wanting to degrade him in such a way and yet every gentle caress and whispered word of the big man seemed to confirm that Chakotay was hiding a desire to humiliate him in such a fashion.
Although he feared the unveiling of that ravaging beast, he could not bear to think that he would lose the compensation of the other side of Chakotay. The man who at least pretended that Tom was a real person with feelings.
Finally, in desperation, Tom had gone to Chakotay's quarters on the night before they reached Deneb. He had barely had to exaggerate his true feelings of panic and despair.
Chakotay had seen the pilotís white face and trembling mouth and had rushed forwards to hug him
"Tom, what is it? Whatís wrong?"
"IÖÖI couldnít sleep. I kept, kept thinking about it, about himÖ Iím sorry. I didnít know who else to turn to." Tom had whispered apologetically
"Iíll always be here for you, Tom." Chakotay stated firmly "When I said you could come to me anytime, I meant it!"
"IÖI canít bear it anymore. I need you to take the pain away!" Tom sobbed brokenly
"How can I help?" Chakotay asked gently "What can I do to make it better?"
"I do, Tom, you know that."
"NoÖI mean LOVE me!" Tom begged, and for the first time in his memory the tears that spilled down his cheeks for the other man were genuine. Suddenly he didnít care why he had really come here. He didnít care about Dukat or Tuvok or his father. He didnít even care that Chakotay would hurt him, he just wanted, no, needed to feel the older man inside him, filling him, making him feel real.
Hesitantly Chakotay searched the tearful blue eyes and gasped at the truth of Tomís need. He had been terrified of reaching this moment in their relationship. Even though he didnít doubt Tomís sincerity he reminded himself that it was likely that Tom would be unable to see the act through. That at the last moment the young man would probably descend into panic.
He would have to treat Tom as though he were the most fragile of flowers and be prepared to stop himself in an instant if the pilot panicked. His hesitation was in whether he could trust himself enough to do that. Whether in the heat of passion he would be able to stop and walk away. But he couldnít reject Tom now, not when the younger man had trusted him enough to vocalize his need.
"Come here, Baby" He whispered lovingly and Tom shuddered at the desire that coursed through him at the soothing tone of Chakotayís voice. He pressed his body against Chakotayís, his erection grinding against the older manís and he felt a hand snake into his hair. Tom closed his eyes in expectation of the usual sharp pain in his scalp but Chakotayís fingers did not close and yank but instead gently pushed Tomís head down so that their lips met.
As Chakotayís lips opened and his tongue pushed into Tomís mouth in hot exploration, the pilotís knees buckled with bewildering new sensations. Tom had never been kissed before. In his experience, foreplay was "bend over and brace yourself". As Chakotay began to run gentle fingers around Tomís face and neck, his tongue still insistently plundering his mouth, Tom realised with a blinding clarity that Chakotay was actually making love to him.
He had heard of the concept, but had never believed in it because he didnít understand how love and sex could exist together. The same chemical signals that usually accompanied pain in his experience were suddenly alive in his body but there was no pain, only pleasure.
Chakotay felt Tom sinking into his embrace and swept him up in his arms and carried him into his bedroom. He lay the young man on his bed and climbed on top of him. For a long time Chakotay just continued to kiss and caress Tom until he could feel the pressure in his groin like a physical ache. Slowly, watching Tomís face carefully for any sign of panic, he began to undress the pale body, gasping in delight as Tomís beauty was revealed.
"Youíre so beautiful, Tom." Chakotay whispered in awe even as he began to strip himself to reveal his own strong, bronze physique.
Tomís eyes were glazed with passion, his breath coming in short gasps as Chakotay reached down and slid a lazy tongue around Tomís nipples. Tom jerked in response; his cock grinding painfully against Chakotayís as he writhed in pleasure at the unimagined arousal that Chakotay was stirring with his tongue.
Chakotay slid down Tom until his mouth could capture Tomís cock and he swallowed it deeply in one movement.
"Oh, GOD!" Tom screamed in surprise "Thatís so good!"
It got better. Chakotay slid his mouth up and down Tomís cock with expert talent, licking and sucking as the blonde trembled and thrust under him. At the moment he felt Tomís balls draw up to climax he gently inserted a finger into Tomís ass and wiggled it teasingly.
Tom came with a howl and Chakotay siphoned at his cock, swallowing his cum with evident relish. When Chakotay finished licking the last drops from Tomís weeping cock he slid back up the bed and kissed the dazed man. As he tasted the heady flavour of his own cum on Chakotayís sweet tongue, Tom began to weep with joy.
Tom had never been on the receiving end of a blowjob before. He had had hundreds of cocks shoved down his throat but had never even been able to imagine how the sensation felt as a recipient. No one had ever cared enough to even consider his own pleasure before. Suddenly he knew that the least he could do in return was to be generous in response.
"Please fuck me" he whispered softly. He had uttered those words countless hundreds of times but this was the first time he had actually meant them.
"Are you sure, Tom?" Chakotay asked, trying to hide his cockís violent response to the invitation.
"Yes. Iím sure Chakotay. I want it. I want you." Tom stated firmly and then turned on his front to emphasize his sincerity.
Chakotay did not reply but merely got off the bed and walked into the bathroom. Tom heard him leave and began to shake hysterically at the rejection. As Chakotay emerged again, lube in hand, he was horrified at the sight of Tomís evident distress.
"Itís okay, baby. You donít have to do this. Itís alright." He soothed gently and was surprised by Tomís wail of disappointment
"But I WANT to do it."
"So why are you crying?" Chakotay asked in honest bewilderment and had to lean forwards to hear Tomís mumbled reply
"I thought you had left me. I thought you had changed your mind."
"I just went to get some lube."
"Lube?" Tom queried in genuine puzzlement. The concept had never been explained to him. Chakotay understood Tomís confusion although his mind supplied a different reason. Since he believed Tom had never been with a man except for the rape, Chakotay assumed that Tom was too innocent to know the necessities of homosexual penetration.
"It will make it easier Tom. This way I wonít hurt you. I promise you that this will be wonderful for you. It will be nothing like what happened to you before. I love you Tom and I will never, ever hurt you." He promised.
Tom shivered at the realisation that Chakotay had no idea at all of how closely he had hit the nail on the head. Reality crashed down on him like a physical blow. Inevitably the day would come when Chakotay would discover that Tom was a spy and a whore and his love would turn into hatred. The despair Tom felt distracted him so completely that Chakotay had already penetrated his ass deeply with two slippery fingers before Tom even realised.
He felt Chakotayís fingers gently probing and stretching him. He was startled by his own desire to be properly fucked by the gorgeous Maquis.
"Ohhh," He groaned in response and sighed in disappointment as Chakotayís fingers withdrew only to gasp as this time Chakotay inserted three digits.
"Ahhh" he gasped
"Are you okay with this, Tom? Do you want me to stop?
"No! " Tom cried, and then as Chakotay hesitated Tom managed to clarify "Donít stop."
Gently Chakotay delved until he found Tomís prostrate and then rubbed slowly. He was delighted as Tom jerked his response.
"Is that good, baby?" He purred gently
"Oh yes, oh god. Oh yes." Tom gasped in bewilderment. He moaned in disappointment as Chakotay withdrew his hand.
"Okay, Tom. Are you sure you want to do this?" Chakotay asked nobly as his cock strained hungrily towards the loosened hole.
"YES" Tom cried
Chakotay applied a generous dollop of lube onto his cock and a further smear into Tomís entrance just to be sure. With infinite patience and care he began to ease himself into Tom, letting the younger man slowly adjust to his presence before he began to slide slowly back and forth.
"Ohhhhh" Tom gasped. He had never realised that this could feel so good, so nice. His ass was expecting to be ripped by dry scales not stroked inside by the slick velvet thickness of Chakotayís cock.
"Oh yes!" He moaned "Oh thatís so good. I didnít know it could feel good," he said without thinking and Chakotay felt tears in his eyes as he remembered Tomís abuse in the interrogation room. He had been determined to prove to Tom that being fucked by another man could be wonderful and judging by the blondeís response he seemed to be succeeding.
Gradually he increased his rhythm, careful to listen for any sign of distress but the pilot was gasping and moaning in pleasure. Finally Chakotay couldnít hold back any longer and began to pound into Tomís ass.
For a moment Tom was confused whether he was feeling pleasure or pain, or pain pretending to be pleasure and then he felt Chakotay erupt deep inside him. He clenched his teeth against the expectation of icy acidic pain and instead felt a pleasant warmth as Chakotayís hot semen gently filled his ass.
Chakotayís softened cock slid out with the mess of lube and cum. Tom whimpered at the sensation of emptiness only to be rolled onto his side and gathered into a huge bear hug by Chakotay.
"Are you all right, babe?" Chakotay whispered as he nuzzled Tomís damp forehead.
"Oh, yes." Tom gasped, "I didnít know it could feel like that!" he said honestly
"Itís like that if you love each other, Tom, and I love you. I wonít ever let you go now Iíve found you." He promised
As he snuggled the younger man close and started to relax into sleep he was unaware of the knife that had pierced Tomís heart.
Oh yes you will, Tom thought, when you find out what I am you will throw me away and I will shatter into so many pieces I wonít ever be whole again.
Tom couldnít sleep. He lay there listening to Chakotay snore, considering the hopelessness of his situation. Thoughts ran around his head like rats in a maze. He had too many secrets to hide. He was owned and controlled by too many people to escape the trap of his own life. He had found happiness for the first time in his miserable life and it was dangling on such a fragile thread that there was no way he could avoid losing it.
The next morning Chakotay had been worried at Tomís paleness and had asked him whether he regretted their relationship but he had accepted Tomís explanation that he was just tired. They had reached Deneb during the night and the crew was waiting for their much-needed shoreleave. When Tom asked to stay on board, Chakotay had been quite relieved. He did not want Tom alone on Deneb where he couldnít protect him but he had private matters to attend to.
When he was convinced that Tom just wanted time to mull things over alone he had given the blonde a passionate kiss and promising to return as quickly as possible he had departed for the surface.
As the hours slowly passed, Tom sat in the cargo bay and considered his options. They were not good. He either had to betray his newfound love to the Cardassians and Starfleet, or contrive to abandon him and return to Dukat, or he had to tell Chakotay the truth. None of the three courses of action left him with any hope of happiness. There was no chance of his relationship with Chakotay ever being more than a temporary oasis in the desert of his miserable existence.
Eventually he resigned himself that all he could do was to stick his head in the sand and just play it by ear, clinging desperately to his illusion of wellbeing until the threads of his deception finally unraveled and choked him.
At least in the meantime he could pretend that the person Chakotay loved was real. He could only hope that it could take months before the situation was finally brought to a head and he was comforted by the hope of having enough good memories by then to treasure through the rest of his sorry life.
Unfortunately for Tom, down on the surface of Deneb, his perfidy was already being revealed to a horrified Chakotay.