Exclusively written for FCANON
SLASH m/m Chakotay/Paris
As the Crazy Horse limped away from the beleaguered station, Chakotay watched his young Pilotís deft fingers running intricate patterns over the helm and sighed with a combination of relief and shame.
He could not believe his luck at the way they had managed their escape. It was almost too convenient that the attack of the unknown vessel had shorted the power in the cellblocks and had enabled him to gather his entire crew in time to reach their ship and launch an escape trajectory.
He had been determined to find Tom; sure that the young man would be still in the medical bay and he had therefore been staggered when the young blonde had hobbled out of Tuvokís cell. It had amazed him that Tom could even walk after his earlier experiences.
However, Tom had proved himself invaluable in their capture of the ship, he had confidently assumed his position at the helm and had punched in the launch codes with an ease that belied the gross injuries that Chakotay had witnessed. He was overwhelmed with pride at the young manís resilience.
It was not until they were finally sure of having evaded any pursuit that Chakotay saw the young man slump in his seat with exhaustion. He stepped forwards to pat Tomís dejected shoulder and was distressed though not surprised by the flinch that met his touch.
"Itís over Tom" he said softly "Why donít you go rest a while, Ayala can handle it from here."
Tom turned to look at him; his wide blue eyes dull with pain. Bravely the young man tried to speak but his voice broke as he tried to reply
"I donít ÖI d.d.d.donít think I caÖcan move" he whispered brokenly
Chakotay had always disliked the pilot for some indefinable reason. Although he had been undeniably attracted to the physical appearance of the young man there had always been something hard and cocky about the pilot. Now seeing the raw hurt, the protective layers stripped away, he was drawn to the man. He felt an overwhelming need to protect him.
"Let me help you" He whispered gently, so sure of the young manís refusal that he was both shocked and touched by Tomís immediate acquiescence.
"Thank you" Tom gasped as Chakotay helped him to haul himself to his feet. As Tom stood Chakotay noticed with horror that a deep brown stain of dried blood had congealed Tomís trousers to his ass.
Guiding him with a firm hold on his shoulder, Chakotay walked closely behind the limping pilot to hide his shame from the other crewmembers. When they finally reached Tomís tiny quarters Chakotay hesitated at the door, uncertain of whether to stay or go.
"Please donít leave me alone" Tom sobbed
"You need to sleep, Tom" Chakotay replied with gentle firmness
"I canít. I close my eyes and all I see is HIM" Tom whimpered and Chakotay closed his eyes in guilt at the pain that poured from the young man.
"Itís okay" He whispered "Iím here. Youíre safe. I will stay with you if you like."
Tomís huge eyes brimmed with relieved tears and he let Chakotay escort him inside. As the door closed behind them and they were finally alone Tom released his controlled agony and collapsed weeping into Chakotayís arms. He tucked his face into Chakotayís shoulder and sobbed desperately.
As the big Maquis hugged the young man closely, running strong arms in a soothing caress up and down Tomís back, feeling the blondeís tears trickling down his own neck, he was completely confused.
He had expected the young man to hate him for what had happened to him. He knew that Tom had been made aware that the rape had been Dukatís way of torturing Chakotay. That Tom had just been the victim of Chakotayís own stubbornness. But, as Tom clung to him like he was his last refuge against a cruel world, he heard the young man begin to apologise, his voice torn by heart-breaking sobs
"Iím so sorry, Captain. Iím sorry, I was just so scared. It hurt so much! I couldnít bear it. Iím sorryÖÖ"
"Why the hell are you sorry?" Chakotay asked in amazement
"Itís my fault you gave him the code." Tom gasped "If I had been braver, if I had been less of a cowardÖ"
"It wasnít your fault, Tom. " Chakotay interrupted fiercly. "I am your Captain. Your safety is my responsibility. What happened to you was intolerable. You would have died if I hadnít given in."
"But the baseÖ" Tom snuffled
"We have signaled them a warning. They will have time to evacuate. We will lose weapons. They are replaceable, Tom. You are not!"
"Yes, I am. You said yourself I was just a mercenary. That pilots were ten a credit. You should have let them kill me. It would have been better."
"Better? Better than what?"
"IÖ.IÖ I canít live like this. Knowing what happened to me. Knowing you saw it" Tom wept hopelessly
"Why does it matter to you that I saw it? I know you had no choice. It was rape Tom, it wasnít your fault!"
"Yes it was. They must haveÖÖmust have know it was what I wanted." Tom mumbled in a voice hoarse with pain and humiliation
"Are you saying you wanted Dukat to rape you?" Chakotay gasped incredulously
"NOOOOOO!" Tom wailed "I wanted YOU. But now youíll never want meÖyou will know that he touched me firstÖ you wonít forget it and nor will I and I wantedÖwantedÖ just wanted you toÖ to love me." Tom sobbed hysterically
Chakotay was stunned by Tomís confession. He had thought the young man hated and despised him but now he wondered whether the pilotís past behavior had been a way to hide insecurity. Was it really possible that Tom had been in love with him all the time?
"I didnít know, Tom. I had no idea you felt that way. I donít understand. Believe me Tom, what happened hasnít cheapened you in my eyes. It wasnít sex, it was violence."
"But now youíll neverÖ never want me." Tom sobbed in shame and Chakotay decided that the pilotís honesty deserved his own
"Tom, I have wanted you since the first moment I saw you and if you still feel the same after you have recovered from what has happened, I will try and prove it to you. But for now, I just want you to try and get some rest."
"Okay" Tom mumbled
"Letís get you into bed" Chakotay soothed and helped the young man to get undressed. He winced in sympathy with Tomís gasps of pain as Chakotay eased his trousers down. Despite the slow care of the older man, Tom whimpered pathetically as the crusted scabs on his ass were ripped away with the fabric and Chakotay gasped in horror as he saw the deep scars on Tomís butt.
"Spirits, Tom!" he breathed in anguish. He couldnít believe that Tom had managed to pilot the ship. Sitting on his abused ass must have been torture. He fetched a wet flannel, body lotion and a dermal regenerator from the cabinet in Tomís tiny wash room and proceeded to clean the worst of the scabs before running the regenerator over Tomís trembling butt.
Although the scars knitted together they did not fade at all and Chakotay realised with sorrow that the marks would be permanent. He soothed the cold creamy lotion over the scars, wincing in sympathy each time Tom flinched at his touch.
"Iím afraid the scar hasnít faded" Chakotay told the pilot apologetically, unwilling to give him false hope.
""Iím sorry" Tom whispered and Chakotay felt his heart break at the sincerity in Tomís voice. The young man really seemed to believe that he was at fault for what had happened and that his scars would disgust the older man.
"I think it will look quite cute!" Chakotay whispered comfortingly. "I always wanted to tattoo your ass, Tom" he chuckled and was relieved when a spark of hope was reflected in Tomís eyes.
"ThenÖThen you donítÖdonít hate me?" Tom gulped
Chakotay looked at the trembling blonde and was surprised by the rush of affection he felt. How could he have misjudged Tom for so long?
"Hate you? You couldnít be further from the truth Tom and I hope that I will someday get the chance to show you exactly how wrong you are." He promised softly as he reached out a gentle hand to wipe away Tomís tears.
"You need a long soak in a bath, Tom, but we donít have the facilities. Just try and get some sleep. Iíll give you something to dull the pain and by the time you wake weíll be in orbit at Andiron 3. Thereís a proper medical facility there and we can get you fixed up good as new."
He helped Tom into bed, a little ashamed of the way his cock stirred at the sight of Tomís pale, beautiful body. He couldnít believe his happiness at discovering that the pilotís air of cocky indifference had just been a mask to conceal passion. He knew that it would take Tom a long time to recover both physically and mentally from the rape but he was prepared to wait as long as it took for his chance to wipe away the torment of Tomís experience and replace it with better memories.
He applied the hypospray and sat with Tom as it took effect. It was not until the point just before Tom lost consciousness that the younger man spoke. His voice was faint and a little delirious but the words were clear
"I love you Chakotay" he said and then Tom fell into a deep sleep.
Unbelievably touched by the comment Chakotay felt tears prickle in his eyes and he bent down and kissed the pilotís fevered brow.
"I think I might just be falling in love with you too!" He whispered gently and then left, confident that Tom would not wake for many hours.
As the doors closed behind Chakotayís back, Tomís eyes snapped open and blazed fiercly in the darkness. His body had quickly nullified the sedative and his mind was clear as crystal as he pondered the last scene.
Even as he congratulated himself for yet another stellar performance, he felt an odd niggle of guilt and sorrow. It had been so many years since anyone had touched him so gently. He could not remember anyone ever treating him with such respect andÖ and yes, love.
Pain ripped through his heart as he allowed himself to imagine what life could be like if he was really what he pretended to be, what it would be like to have a lover as considerate and good as Chakotay.
"Please donít fall in love with me" He whispered into the empty room "Please donít let me destroy you."
Alone in the small cabin, Tom turned on his side, clutched his pillow for comfort and wept bitterly until sleep finally overcame him.