ST: Voyager C/P
Rating. SLASH, m/m NC-17
Archive: Anywhere, just let me know, please
Disclaimer: Tom, Chak et al are Paramount‘s (lucky devils) Angel is
I hurriedly disengaged Angel‘s arms, surprised by how uncomfortable I
felt in his innocent embrace.
The Doctor coughed discretely and I realised that Tom was waking up.
I was grateful that Angel instantly slipped out of Sickbay to leave
For a moment I was terrified that Tom had seen Angel hugging me, and
I coloured in guilty embarrassment as I rushed to Tom‘s side.
"Hi, babe" I whispered as he blinked in confusion.
"I - I - how? Where?" he gasped incoherently
"You‘re safe, babe. We‘re home. We‘re in the alpha quadrant. We‘re
home. In four days Voyager will be at Deep Space 9. We‘ve already
sent sub-space messages to Starfleet to announce our return, there
will be a flotilla of ships soon, guiding us back like a lost sheep."
"Home" Tom repeated sadly, "How?"
"It was Seven, Tom. She took the shuttle, she sent us home."
I saw him bite his lip pensively
"I‘m sorry. It should have been me" He whispered
"NO, Tom, Seven had lost B‘Elanna and she didn‘t want to go on. I
understand that. I would have felt the same if I had lost you. I love
you, Tom Paris." I swore, my voice infused with all the sincerity I
could put into the words.
A shadow flickered in his beautiful blue eyes
"Do you?" He asked softly, "Do you really?"
"I swear, Tom. I love you and I will never leave you."
He closed his eyes as though in pain but then he spoke gently
"I believe you."
It‘s impossible to describe how you feel when you wake up on the day
after you have decided, beyond doubt, that you will never have to
face waking up again.
The combination of disappointment and relief is unbearable. I was
alive. Therefore I had failed to launch the shuttle. However, I was
alive, so therefore Voyager had survived anyway. So Chakotay was
alive. Which was always the important thing, after all.
Of course, finding him wrapped around Angel was not exactly a
surprise but it was a hell of a blow.
That was the moment when I finally gave up all hope.
Okay, I‘d been pretty depressed before, admittedly. I had wanted to
die. But it had been a dramatic kind of "I will show you and the
world how much I love you and then die so you‘ll feel guilty forever"
At some level, a part of me must have believed that it was all a
mistake and that given enough time, shown enough grief, Chakotay
would come back to me.
As I woke in sickbay, hearing Angel‘s melodious voice saying
"I can‘t wait to get home to Dorvan with you, Chakotay."
I finally accepted that it was over.
That was the moment when my hitherto ignored self-protective
mechanisms finally snapped back into gear.
That was the moment when I finally accepted that I actually, finally,
hated Chakotay in equal measure to my love.
I was finally ready to let him go.
I just didn‘t have the energy for any more dramatic suicide attempts.
I was too numb.
He finally noticed I was awake and came over to me as Angel crept
guiltily away, and yet again he lied, said that he loved me.
We were back in the AQ, four days from DS9 where he would leave me,
and still he played with me, still he fucked with my head.
I swear, if I had had a phaser in my hands at that moment I would
have killed us both.
But then he touched me, and all I could think of was how good he
felt, how wonderful it would be to be able to fool myself for just a
So I played the game. I knew the rules now.
"I believe you" I lied
My heart turned an ecstatic summersault when he said, "I believe
you". Suddenly I was sure that everything would be all right.
Sure we had had our problems, but as long as Tom still loved me,
still believed in me, we had the chance to put everything right.
"How are you feeling, babe? Are you okay to get up?" I asked
Tom moved gingerly, testing his body‘s reactions to the idea of
"I‘m fine, Chak, a little sore but fine." He admitted
"Are you well enough to leave sickbay?" I asked
"Yeah. Find me some clothes Chak. I just want to send a message home
first, if that‘s okay."
"Sure, Tom" I said in surprise, glad that he was obviously coming to
terms with the fact that we were back in the Alpha Quadrant. I
wondered whether Admiral Paris would intervene on Tom‘s behalf and
prevent Tuvok‘s recommendations being acted upon. Perhaps Tom‘s
father would help us both.
"I really think that Tom should stay a while longer," The Doctor said
pompously to me as we watched Tom stagger out of bed and limp slowly
to the comm. system
"I really think you should butt out, Doctor" I hissed back, satisfied
by his look of shock
Tom finally turned away from the console and began to stiffly pull on
the clothes I had put on his bed.
"Come on, Tom" I ordered softly, "Come home with me."
Tom looked at me doubtfully for a long time before he suddenly
shrugged and limped painfully until he stood unsteadily at my side.
As he swayed, I was assailed by doubts, perhaps the Doctor was right.
Tom didn‘t look capable of walking to the end of the room, let alone
"Can you walk, Tom?" I asked in concern
He considered my question for a long time before shaking his head
sadly. "I don‘t think so" he whispered and started to sink back down
onto the bed.
I had been dreaming of taking him home again for four weeks. There
was no way that I would walk out of sickbay now, leaving him alone
again. I swiftly moved forward and swept him up into my arms, my
heart jumping a little as memories assailed me of how many times I
had held Tom‘s vulnerable body in this way.
Ignoring the Doctor‘s protests I strode swiftly out of sickbay with
my precious burden. Tom wrapped his arms around me tightly and
nuzzled my neck and thus we arrived back at our quarters.
I had done my best to repair the damage that Tom had inflicted on the
day Angel arrived. His picture was back on the wall in a new frame;
his vids were back on a mended shelf. Our quarters looked again as
they had the day of our intended wedding.
Without hesitation I carried Tom through into the bedroom and
deposited him gently onto the bed. As I began to remove his clothes
he murmured in soft argument, so I silenced his protest with a deep
For a moment he resisted and then with an audible sigh, he arched
against me and opened his lips to mine. I felt his sweet tongue
invade my mouth and my cock leapt to attention so quickly that I
could feel the seams of my uniform pants straining with the sudden
"Oh, Babe, Babe, I‘ve missed you so" I gasped as I lay down on top of
him, rubbing my body against his, feeling the delicious friction as
our mutual erections battled against the fabric of our pants.
As his shirt fell open under my eager fingers, his pale muscular
chest was revealed; his nipples like red scars against his white
perfection. One by one I suckled on them, nipping and sucking until
they were taut and proud.
Other than his occasional moans of desire, Tom was strangely silent,
tears sliding through his tightly closed eyelids.
"Are you okay, babe? Do you want me to stop?" I asked desperately,
dreading his answer
"No, No Chak, please, please don‘t stop. I want this. I want you!" He
gasped although there was no joy in his voice at the admission.
Deciding that I was lucky he would even give me the chance to try to
make things up to him and that it was unsurprising that he was
unprepared to commit himself further at this stage, I began to fumble
with his trousers to release his hot eager cock.
I slid down to lick the weeping head and his whole body jerked in
"Oho" he moaned and I tasted his excitement as his pre-cum escaped
onto my tongue. I lapped at him, teasing into the slit, my hands
kneading at his firm buttocks and pulling his hips up so that his
angle was better and then I swallowed him.
As I siphoned his cock, I reached down and undid my own trousers,
letting my erection burst free in hungry anticipation. I slipped my
right index finger into my mouth, feeling his cock jump as I
unwittingly teased it in my attempt to lubricate my finger and then I
gently began to tease at his opening.
"May I fuck you, Tom?" I asked, although I don‘t think I could have
stopped then if I had wanted to.
Tom didn‘t answer; he merely flipped over onto his hands and knees
and wiggled his butt at me enticingly. It was permission enough. I
leant forwards and slowly licked between his butt cheeks. He gasped
at the sensation and I had to grab his hips with bruising firmness to
hold him as I delved between his cheeks, thrusting my tongue into his
Tom‘s hands gave way and his head crashed down into the pillow as
usual, leaving his unprotected butt vulnerable to my questing tongue.
Within moments he was shuddering and panting desperately under my wet
Then I raised my head, shuffled forward until my cock was level with
his glistening anus and I slowly slid into his velveteen depths. I
could feel his muscles relaxing, adapting to my entrance, and
accommodating my presence.
As my balls finally slapped his, I knew that I had finally come home.
"Oh Tom, oh babe, I love you so much" I cried as I began to slide
slowly up and down his hot passage.
His only reply was a whimper before he forcibly thrust his hips
backward to impale himself on me. I tried desperately to keep the
rhythm slow and steady but he fought me all the way, taking control,
dominating our coupling by thrusting back and forth greedily.
I gave up all pretence of control and let him set the pace, letting
him ‘top from the bottom‘. He had never once, in our whole
relationship, taken such an aggressive position. But now his hungry
ass raped me, taking everything I had to give and then more.
It was frightening and sometimes painful but above all was one of the
most erotic situations I had ever been in.
When I came, it was as though I erupted from the inside and I
exploded into his ass. Still his muscles clenched me feverishly
draining every last drop. I collapsed in exhaustion onto his back and
my weight flattened him under me.
With my last conscious thought, I rolled onto my side and brought him
into my arms, pulling him tightly to me. For a moment I was aware of
something being wrong, something out of place, but then exhaustion
overwhelmed me and I sank into oblivion.
For a moment I resisted Chakotay‘s attempt to seduce me, and then I
accepted that if I had no intention of going through with it I
shouldn‘t have let him carry me from Sickbay.
By the time his soft lips had ravaged my nipples, there was no point
in pretending that I wasn‘t aroused. My whole body was screaming for
Sure, I knew that it was just my last pathetic chance to have his
body touch mine. I knew I should have more pride. I knew he was only
using me. But still, I arched under his expert ministrations and
decided that if this was going to be my last memory of Chakotay, it
could at least be a good one.
But as he finally penetrated me, and I gasped with anticipation of my
blessed release in his arms, all I could think of was the fact that
he was planning on leaving me.
I desperately tried to distract my thoughts, thrusting back at him,
trying to loose myself in the pure animalistic bliss. But I couldn‘t
escape the feelings of hurt, of worthlessness.
Finally, in this last desperate act, I sullied our relationship. I
ruined the only connection that Chakotay and I had managed to keep
As he collapsed, spent and exhausted, I sagged in despair in his
embrace, aware for the first time in my life of the agonising ball-
aching pain of an unsatisfied erection.
I, who had once come at the mere whisper of his fingers on my body,
had lost even the ability to find sexual release in Chakotay‘s arms.
In the end, my body had betrayed me too.
I slept soundly, for the first time in weeks. Tom was back.
Everything would be fine.
I knew that there were still issues to be resolved. That I still had
to spirit him off Voyager before that Vulcan bastard handed him over
to Starfleet medical, unless Tom‘s father came through for us.
I knew that there would be problems on Dorvan, even though Angel
would smooth our path by publicly accepting my decision.
I was also aware that our future relationship wouldn‘t be smooth
sailing. It would take Tom a long time to truly believe in me again.
I had betrayed him so many times that I couldn‘t fault him for his
doubts. But his ever-forgiving spirit blessed me. I knew that I
didn‘t deserve another chance, but as long as he could still find it
in him to forgive me, we had a real chance of making this work.
"I love you Tom" I mumbled into his soft shoulder, nuzzling into his
That‘s when I opened my eyes and discovered that "Tom" was actually a
I didn‘t panic straight away; I slowly got up and walked to the
bathroom door. I admit that my heart was in my throat as I pushed
the door open, for a minute I could actually picture him lying there
on the floor in a pool of blood.
The bathroom was empty.
Feeling both relieved and scared I rushed to the living area, only to
find it also deserted.
Frantically I ran my head over our encounter. Our sex had been hot
and passionate. Tom had been as eager as I had, perhaps more so. I
knew I hadn‘t hurt him, at least not any more than normal.
But there had been something, something that had seemed wrong.
And then it came to me. The thing I had so absently noticed as I fell
Tom hadn‘t come.
Oh Spirits, I‘d been so selfish. I‘d fallen asleep not even realising
he was unsatisfied. No wonder he had gone off in a temper. I had to
go and find him and apologise, make things right.
"Computer, location of Lieutenant Paris"
"Lieutenant Paris is not on board."
"What?" I screamed in panicked disbelief
"Lieutenant Paris is not on board" the computer repeated stupidly
"Chakotay to Captain Janeway" I snapped
After a few minutes, Kathryn‘s sleepy and decidedly annoyed voice
"What is it Commander?"
"The computer says Tom is not on board"
"That‘s correct" She replied calmly
"Where the fuck is he?" I yelled
For a second there was silence, as though she was mentally debating
whether to call me on my profanity and then with a sigh she quietly
"Admiral Paris sent a private yacht at Tom‘s request. She arrived two
hours ago and Tom left Voyager to return directly to Earth."