ST: Voyager C/P
Rating. SLASH, m/m NC-17
Archive: Anywhere, just let me know, please
Disclaimer: Tom, Chak et al are Paramount's (lucky devils) Angel is
I woke with a hell of a hangover. I couldn't remember drinking last
night, spirits, I couldn't remember anything at all about yesterday.
It must have been one hell of a wedding.
I tried to open my eyes but as I widened the crack between my
eyelids, the resultant rush of light stormed into my brain like a
white-hot knife and I had to shut my eyes tightly again to stop the
I groaned in agony, swearing I would never drink again. I could feel
Tom's warm body wrapped securely around me, his arms hugging my
chest, his long hair spilling over my shoulder as he pressed spoon
fashion into my back.
My cock stirred hungrily as though it had its own independent brain,
one obviously unaffected by the thudding pounding hammering in my
head. I yawned widely, surprised at the resultant ache in my jaw. It
almost felt like I had been punched. Wow, it had either been one hell
of a reception or Tom had gotten carried away last night.
I had a vague happy memory of him waking me earlier and riding me
like a horse. My cock stirred again at the memory. Tom had never
taken the initiative like that before. Married life must have given
him some of the confidence that he was so badly lacking.
If only I could think past this bloody migraine. I moaned again and
felt Tom stir at my side.
"You okay Chak?" he whispered. His voice sounded weird, a little too
deep, too loud, familiar but not quite `right', only I couldn't
process the information into any clear thought.
"Hurts" I gasped, my own voice sounding weird and too loud also "My
head hurts." I moaned again, pathetically.
I felt him reach down and kiss my forehead softly. Shit, no wonder I
was usually teetotal. Tom didn't even SMELL right this morning. His
scent was sweet and cloying, almost like...oh, no, don't even go
there, I told myself, you're married to Tom now, don't even THINK
I heard Tom clamber off the bed and pad off into the distance. To my
sore head he sounded too large and heavy as he moved. The bed seemed
to jerk with the sudden absence of his weight but I decided it must
be my imagination, because Tom's body was too light to even dent my
I dozed again, waking when I felt the soft hiss of a hypospray at my
neck and I could actually feel the painkiller spreading through me,
clearing the knifing pain, dulling the aches. The relief was
"Thanks, babe" I croaked, glad to hear my voice sounding relatively
normal, if somewhat rusty, and cautiously I opened my eyes, testing
my newfound well being against the glare of my quarters. To my
relief, the light was now bearable and I focused to gaze into Tom's
eyes as he bent over me in concern.
"SHIT!" I cried, jumping up in complete shock.
As memory came rushing back, drowning me in guilt and horror, I saw
Angel's face flinch with hurt and tears quickly pooled in his bright,
golden eyes at my unmistakable dismay.
"Oh shit" I repeated, but softer this time, "What the hell have I
I sank my head into my heads, covering my face in shame and began to
"You can't see him B'El, he's asleep." I said desperately, blocking
the bedroom door with my body.
"Then I'll bloody well wake him up. Someone's got to straighten this
mess up." She snarled, pulling at my shoulders to move me. I planted
my feet firmly and refused to budge.
"No. It's taken me hours to finally get him to sleep. He's in a
terrible state. He needs some rest."
"He needs a bloody good slap, what the hell was he thinking?"
She spat angrily
"Well, I don't know, B'Elanna, I don't suppose it had anything to do
with Chakotay leaving him on his wedding day and running back to
Angel" I hissed sarcastically, furious that she could be so
unsympathetic. She was supposed to be Tom's friend.
"Bullshit! Chakotay wouldn't do that. Tom's obviously overreacted and
so have the rest of you. I know Chakotay. He wouldn't do it."
"Did you know he was already promised to that bastard, Angel?" I
"Yes, and he's not a bastard. Angel's a nice person. Very insecure,
he's very like Tom in a lot of ways. That's probably why Chakotay
loves them both. But Chakotay made the decision to marry Tom; he
wouldn't have done that without thinking it through. There's no way
he would go back to Angel." B'Elanna stated firmly
"So he thought that trying to remove Angel's tonsils with his tongue
was a good way of letting him know they were finished?"
I asked bitterly, now having heard the whole of Tom's version of
"I would imagine that he didn't want to just blurt the truth out to
Angel. He probably intended to let Angel down nicely and then go and
find Tom to explain. He knew he had a lifetime to make it up to Tom,
but he only had that particular moment in time to help Angel cope
with the changed situation. What was he supposed to say? "Hi Angel,
thanks for waiting but this is Tom and we are getting married today
so just sod off will you?"" She snorted derisively
Her words made a kind of sense, but I was too angry to listen to her.
She was Chakotay's friend, she practically worshipped him, and of
course she would try and manipulate the situation to make out that it
was Tom's fault for over-reacting.
"Then why the hell did he let Tom just walk away?" I challenged
"He was probably too shocked to know what to do. Knowing the way
Chakotay likes to weigh every word before he utters it, he would have
still been deciding what to say when Tom stormed off in a temper. He
probably thought it was best to let him go and cool off a little. How
would he know that Tom would be stupid enough to immediately go and
slit his wrists?"
"Good God, B'Elanna. Look at what Tom has been through the last year
and a half. He's as fragile as glass. Chakotay knows that. He could
hardly expect Tom to just calmly sit and wait for him to make up his
mind who he wanted."
"I think that is exactly what he expected. What is the point of
marriage if you don't trust each other? Tom should have at least
given him the benefit of the doubt. I'm not saying that Chakotay
didn't act like a shit, he was too busy trying not to hurt Angel that
he hurt Tom instead. I agree he should have had the guts to confront
the issue head on but Tom should have at least waited for him to
"Well it's too late now. Tom doesn't want to see him again. Chakotay
may as well stay with Angel after all." I said bluntly.
"Who the hell decided that for Tom? It's time everybody stopped
interfering. This is between Tom and Chakotay. Who the hell are the
rest of you to stick your noses in? Chakotay has been locked in his
quarters. Tom has apparently issued a restraining order against him,
and don't tell me that was his own bloody idea." She scoffed
"Tom's been hurt too much, B'Elanna. He doesn't know what he wants
anymore. We only want to protect him."
B'Elanna snorted in disgust
"He's not a child. He's a grown man and it's time he faced up to his
life and made his own decisions. Forget the sodding restraining
order, if he doesn't want to see Chakotay then fine, but he can at
least tell him to his face. I'm going to talk to Chakotay, Harry, and
then I'm going to bring him back here and get this sorted once and
"Tuvok has sealed his quarters."
"And I'm the Chief bloody Engineer, Harry. I suggest you wake Tom up
and prepare him for a visitor, and I'm warning you, Harry, if you
call Tuvok or the Captain to stop me, I'll rip your fucking head off
It took me longer than I expected to bypass Tuvok's security override
on Chakotay's door. The truth is my hand was trembling too much with
a combination of anger and fear.
Despite my staunch words of support for Chakotay and my assurances to
Harry, I was not truly sure that I was right. I remembered Angel too
well. I knew that Chakotay did not exactly LOVE the Heran but he was
completely captivated by him sexually and had never been able to put
aside his feelings of obligation and loyalty.
I just knew that I had never seen Chakotay so content with Angel as I
had seen him with Tom. Despite the many obstacles and problems that
had been strewn in their path, Tom and Chakotay's love for each other
had always eventually overcome them. They were perfect for each
other. The problem was, I wasn't sure that Chakotay realised it.
I imagined that I would find Chakotay in a terrible state. He would
not know why Harry had attacked him or why he had been locked in his
quarters. He would no doubt have guessed that there was a problem
with Tom but would have no way of knowing what had happened or even
if Tom was alive.
Tuvok and the Captain had no right to treat him this way.
I entered his quarters, noting with dismay the terrible destruction.
I could hear the sound of Chakotay sobbing in the bedroom and rushed
forwards only to freeze in horror at the door at the sight of a
completely naked Angel, hugging Chakotay's equally undressed body in
comfort. My sharp nose immediately twitched and identified the musky
odor of sexual activity.
The bastard had actually betrayed Tom.
"SoH ghaj ghobe' quv SoH ghaj ChemoHta' parmaq tlhej ghaH" I screamed
at him in fury and disgust
Chakotay raised miserable eyes to meet mine, flushing in shame at my
"SoH Dha'bjej, Dha'chu, qapar Chakotay" I snarled and stepped
forwards to give him a resounding slap across the face. He made no
move to defend himself but Angel flinched and drew back from my fury,
his eyes wide with fear, his body trembling.
Seeing his terror brought me to my senses. It was sometimes hard to
remember that someone as large and strong as Angel could be so
intimidated by violence. It wasn't HIS fault that Chakotay had been
so false to Tom.
So I folded my arms across my chest and stared down at Chakotay in
silence, forcing him to speak.
"It's not what you think, B'Elanna" he said hesitantly
"Really?" I snorted in disbelief. "I really thought you loved Tom. I
just spent half an hour telling Harry you wouldn't possibly have left
him on your wedding day."
"W-wedding day?" Angel stuttered in complete shock
I looked at Chakotay in disbelief.
"You mean you haven't even told him?" I screamed
"I haven't had the chance yet" Chakotay muttered
"You mean you were too busy fucking him to bother talking!"
"I - I - " Chakotay twisted on the bed in bewildered guilt
"And while you were getting your jollies, do you have any idea where
"No - I, I -"
"He was cutting his wrists and bleeding to death!" I howled
Chakotay turned a shade of white that seemed impossible, given his
normal dark complexion.
"Dead? Tom's dead?" He gasped and then before I could reassure him he
leapt off the bed with an agonised howl, and running to the wall
punched it so hard that I actually heard the bones in his hand
"Noooooooooo!" He wailed, collapsing to his knees in agony.
"He's okay, Chakotay, the Doctor found him, he's fine, he's okay" I
soothed desperately until my words sank in and his bleak eyes cleared
just long enough for the pain in his hand to register and then he
howled again, this time in physical pain.
"Quick, get the bloody med.-kit" I hissed at Angel who had been
frozen in horror ever since I said the word wedding. He shook his
head as though to clear his muddled brain and then coming to his
senses he rushed to help me.
As I knitted his bones back together, Chakotay just swayed in misery
mumbling "Tom, oh god, Tom, I've got to see him, got to go to him"
"I don't mean to sound callous Chakotay, but if he means so bloody
much to you, how come you couldn't resist sticking your dick up
But before he could answer, Angel spoke, his voice full of hurt and
"It was my fault, B'Elanna. Chak was concussed. He didn't know what
he was doing." Angel admitted quietly "He thought I was Tom."
I looked at the Heran in amazement, seeing the way his body shook as
he said the words, understanding the terrible cost of his admission.
"Why?" I asked, not wondering why he had done it as much as why he
was admitting it.
Angel didn't reply, he just wrapped a sheet around himself and walked
out of the bedroom, but suddenly I was sure that I knew the answer.
Now he knew that Chakotay had intended to marry Tom, he understood
that he had arrived too late, after all.
"Come on, Chakotay. We need to get to Tom. He's convinced you don't
love him and everyone is reinforcing that belief. You don't have much
time to try and put this right."
I pulled Chakotay to his feet and found his clothes and helped him to
dress. I had expected him to rush to Tom's side but instead he was in
complete shock, hardly able to move by himself. Shit, he was as much
a basket case as Tom. They definitely belonged together, I thought
I practically had to drag him down the corridor and into the turbo-
"Come on, Chakotay, pull yourself together" I hissed as we stumbled
out towards the guest quarters.
"FUCK" I snarled, seeing two security officers guarding the
ambassadorial suite, that little fucker Harry had called Tuvok after
As I planned the various forms of ritual disembowelment that I would
use when I got hold of Harry Kim, Chakotay straightened at my side as
though the obstacle was exactly what he needed to wake him up. With a
purposeful stride he marched up to the door and demanded to be let in.
I had been sitting on my bed, just crying in shame, desperately
trying to find the words to explain to Angel that I didn't want him
anymore. How the hell could I tell this beautiful, gentle, man that I
had found a new love, that I wanted to be with Tom.
How on earth could I explain that I had only made love with him
because I had mistakenly thought he was Tom? There was no way to say
it without wounding him beyond repair and he had done nothing to
deserve my rejection.
Then B'Elanna burst in and saw us together. She was understandably
horrified, calling me dishonest and ruthless, saying that I had no
honor. There was no way to defend myself against her words without
hurting Angel by my reply so I just couldn't find a way to explain
Then she told me Tom was dead and something inside me shattered. The
pain in my heart was so great that I just had to mask it with
physical agony. Then, as I slowly comprehended that Tom was alive
after all, instead of joy I felt a complete numbness descend. I knew
I had to go to him, check he was alright, face-up to the harm I had
caused yet again but at the same time I just couldn't find the energy
to do it.
I had a strange urge just to curl up on the bed and go to sleep
instead. My mind was so overloaded with the shocks and horrors of the
last 24 hours that it just wanted to shut down.
As B'Elanna forced me to dress and follow her, I registered Angel's
shadowy figure in the living room. I knew that I should say something
to him, but I just couldn't think of anything worth saying, so I just
followed B'Elanna as she led me to Tom.
It wasn't until I saw the red-uniforms blocking the door that I was
re-vitalized. An abrupt surge of anger cleared the last cobwebs from
my brain and I marched forwards.
"Get out of my way." I ordered
"Sorry, Sir, we have orders not to let you in." One of them mumbled
sheepishly, I vaguely remembered his face, but his name escaped me.
"I am the First Officer of this ship, how exactly do you intend to
stop me entering, crewman?" I snarled
"The Captain's orders were specific, Sir. We are empowered to arrest
you if you do not desist." He said, gulping nervously.
"And how the hell will you manage to do that?" B'Elanna snarled
dangerously, moving to my side.
The security officers shuffled uncertainly, obviously unwilling to
take on a furious half-Klingon AND me.
"You're in enough trouble already B'Elanna, don't make things worse
for yourself." The voice of the Captain warned as she and Tuvok
appeared from the turbolift.
B'Elanna's only response was to move closer to me in demonstration of
where her loyalties lay.
As we all looked at each other in a bitter standoff, the door to the
ambassadorial suite slid open and we all spun in shock as Tom
I had never seen him look worse, and given our history that was a
damning thing to admit. He was as pale as a corpse, his blue eyes
blood-shot from hours of crying, his eye cavities were so black above
his razor sharp cheekbones that his whole face had the appearance of
a skull. His beautiful hair was just short stubble that emphasised
the abnormal thinness of his face.
"Tom" I whispered pleadingly, lovingly
He turned and looked at me with the dead eyes of a complete stranger.
"I have nothing to say to you, Chakotay and you have nothing to say
that can possibly be of interest to me." He said with cold, cutting
"I love you, Tom." I said urgently
His face didn't change. If anything his gaze became even more remote.
His blank expression terrified me. Frantically I tried to reassure
"Angel knows about us now. He knows about the wedding. I still love
you, Tom. It's you I want to be with. Nothing has changed."
From the corner of my eye I saw Kathryn and Tuvok exchange bemused
looks. I realised with anger that they had evidently thought my
decision would be different.
For a long time, Tom examined my face with his icy blue eyes,
weighing up my words, judging me for the honesty of my statement and
then he nodded reluctantly.
"I believe you." He said quietly, unemotionally.
I rushed towards the door only to be stopped by his sudden upraised
palm, a gesture of complete denial. Stopping in confusion I let him
"But it's too late." He said coldly
"No, baby, you're wrong. It's not too late. I love you. I want to be
with you. That's all that matters. I love you, Tom." I swore
fervently, pouring all my soul into my words.
He looked at me dispassionately and then shrugged.
"I don't care" he replied and stepped back so that the door slid shut
in my face.