ST: Voyager C/P
Rating. SLASH, m/m NC-17
Archive: Anywhere, just let me know, please
Disclaimer: Tom, Chak et al are Paramount's (lucky devils) Angel is
When I first woke in sickbay, and found myself attached to a bio-bed
I panicked. I couldn't remember how or why I had got there. I shut my
eyes tightly, hoping that it was a dream, just a horrific flashback
to my paralysis. But as the steady drone of medical equipment and the
all too familiar sterile smell of sickbay pervaded my senses I felt
an overwhelming terror creep over me and I began to hyperventilate.
I felt the hiss of a hypospray at my neck and felt my breathing
slowly return to normal. The relief was enough for me to cautiously
open my eyes again to stare in confusion into the concerned eyes of
Tuvok, the Doctor and Kathryn.
"Where - why-?" I croaked and then a snatch of memory hit me and I
groaned in helpless misery and embarrassment. I had done something
stupid. I couldn't remember exactly what, but I knew it was something
terrible. I moaned in shame.
"It's okay, Tom." The Doctor said soothingly "You're in Sickbay. Do
you remember what happened?"
I shook my head plaintively and then heat flushed my face as an image
popped into my head. I could see myself looking in a mirror at my own
bald bleeding scalp. Tentatively I reached up to feel my head.
Instead of the skin I half expected, or the long thick hair which was
more likely, my fingers met soft down. I gasped as I realised that my
image had been a true memory, only I couldn't remember anything else.
"I regenerated your skin, Tom and encouraged the regrowth of your
hair follicles but the Captain presumed you would prefer me to leave
it short." The Doctor explained gently
Short? I looked at him in bewilderment. Why would I prefer it short?
Chakotay liked my hair long.
And with that thought, the rest of my memories swept over me like a
tidal wave, and I drowned in a jumbled flash of nightmare images.
"NO. It's not true. I never intended to kill myself." I protested
frantically but my words were met by unbelieving, pitying stares.
"I mean, I didn't actually mean to do it, I just wanted to stop
looking like HIM and I got carried away, I think. I just kind-of lost
control." I explained desperately, so ashamed of my undeniable
cowardice that I just wanted to curl up in a ball and disappear.
"Evidently" Tuvok said but his voice was oddly sympathetic rather
than the judgmental condemnation I expected.
"Oh God, he'll be so mad at me!" I sobbed in panic, "He'll think I
did it on purpose to make him come back." And then suddenly I
realised his absence from the room
"Is that why he isn't here? Is he that furious with me?" I queried
miserably. The Doctor looked helplessly at the Captain, obviously
unwilling to answer my question.
"He must hate me," I concluded sadly.
"He doesn't know, Tom. I wanted to give you the chance to recover a
bit before you saw him." The Captain told me gently.
Oh God, I wanted to see him NOW! I wanted him to wrap his arms around
me and pretend he loved me. I wanted to bury my head in his shoulders
and believe, if only for a short time, that I really mattered to him.
My need to see him was like a physical ache.
"I don't want to see him" I whispered brokenly "I don't ever want to
see him again."
"Are you sure, Tom?" The Doctor asked in surprise and I was so
tempted to take back my words and admit that the truth was I simply
couldn't bear to live without Chakotay. But despite my earlier
actions, there was still some degree of self-respect left in my
"Positive. I wanted him to leave me on V'rakn but he wouldn't. I knew
that he wouldn't stay with me. That he'd leave me again. He always
does. I just can't take it anymore. The not knowing. The promises and
the lies. It's like living on a cliff-edge, always knowing that the
next step could make me fall off."
"He loves you, Tom, I know he does, he just isn't good at making a
commitment or expressing his feelings." The Doctor said in a kind
attempt to make me feel better.
"He doesn't seem to have a problem with expressing his feelings about
Angel" I said with bitter honesty. "He always told me that he would
leave me if we got home."
My words seemed to stun the other occupants of the room.
"What a bastard!" The Captain swore uncharacteristically. Even
Tuvok's usually expressionless face curled into a faint sneer. I was
horrified at their evident anger. I hadn't meant to make Chakotay
look bad. I hastened to explain.
"You don't understand. He's been honest with me all along. He never
pretended to really love me. I've always known that Angel was the one
he wanted. I was always just a substitute. It's my own fault. He
warned me and I didn't listen, I didn't want to listen. I just hoped
that we'd never get home." Then realising that I sounded as though I
didn't appreciate the Captain's efforts I flushed with renewed
"Sorry, Captain. I know it was selfish of me." I apologized, hanging
my head in shame.
She patted me softly on the shoulder, her touch conveying her
forgiveness of my selfish wish. Then she stiffened, obviously struck
by a new thought.
"So what was the wedding all about? Was he intending to divorce you
when we reached home?" She asked incredulously
"No, he said that marriage is sacred to his people. If we had managed
to complete the ceremony he would have had to stay with me." I
"You must be so devastated that Angel arrived when he did." She
I looked at her in surprise. She just didn't get it.
"Oh no, you don't understand. I'm glad Angel arrived when he did. The
only thing worse than Chakotay leaving me would be him staying with
me out of a sense of duty. He'd hate me and he'd be unhappy and
therefore so would I. At least this way Chakotay can be happy. I
can't bear to think that I'd be the cause of his suffering. I love
him too much."
I looked helplessly at Tuvok. My heart was breaking at Tom's pathetic
attempts to justify Chakotay's behavior.
How could I have been so wrong about the dynamics of Tom and
Chakotay's relationship? I had seen Tom as a leech, selfishly
draining the life and vitality out of Chakotay. Now I could see it
from the other perspective and it sickened me.
Chakotay had taken a vulnerable young man and selfishly used him for
his own gratification, always planning to cast him aside if we got
Even now, Tom was as blind to Chakotay's faults as I had once been
and I knew that unless he could find some righteous anger, some sense
that he had been abused, then Tom would undoubtedly end up finishing
what the Doctor had prevented.
Tuvok drew me aside to speak privately.
"Don't make another mistake, Kathryn." He whispered "Nothing is black
and white. There are many shades of grey in human relationships.
While I am sure that the only solution to Tom's current unhappiness
is to put Chakotay behind him, it is illogical to assume that
Chakotay's affection for Tom was just a facade."
"But you heard what Tom said, Chakotay always said he would leave him
if he got home."
"Yes, but he was also prepared to marry him and thus take away his
own choice to leave. That is not the action of someone who does not
care. In a few weeks we will all meet the ghosts of our old life. We
both left partners in the Alpha Quadrant. It will not be easy to just
cast them aside. Even though they have both moved on with their
lives, as we have, it will be difficult to reconcile our new
relationship with the old."
"But Chakotay's old partner didn't move on."
"What are we going to do?"
"Nothing. There's nothing anybody can do, except be here for them
both if they need to talk, and keep a 24-hour suicide watch on Tom,
"He'll try it again, won't he?" I asked sadly
"Indeed." Tuvok replied.
I dozed for a long time, simply reveling in Chakotay's closeness,
enjoying the warmth of his velvet skin on my own naked body. Then I
heard his breathing change and he moved slightly, obviously waking up.
Bending over to kiss his beautiful full lips, I saw his eyes flicker
open. His gaze was still slightly glazed and out of focus but his
lips responded to mine with hunger.
I slipped a hand between his thighs and felt his cock spring
immediately to attention. Still raiding his hot sweet mouth with my
tongue, I stroked his cock, feeling it firm and enlarge in my hand.
His eyes grew even more glazed as the blood rushed to his groin and
he moaned deep in his throat like a contented cat.
I ran my index finger over his weeping slit, gathering his pre-cum
and then using it to loosen the tight muscles of my sphincter. I was
so hot and aroused that it took very little time to loosen myself.
Gracefully I straddled him and then sank slowly down, impaling myself
on his rigid cock. As his velvet smoothness slid inside my ass,
stretching and filling me, I gasped with delight. It felt as though I
had been waiting an eternity for this moment, but all of my efforts
to find him were finally worthwhile.
Finally, Chakotay was mine again.
"Ohhhhhhh" Chakotay moaned deliriously as I began to move myself up
and down his shaft, faster and faster, using gravity and my
considerable body weight to drive him so deep inside me that my
prostate was thumped on each downstroke.
Chakotay's eyes were closed, his face flushed, his fingers clenching
desperately at the sheets as I rode him furiously.
"Oh yeah, babe, oh that's good, oh that's so nice" he gasped as my
Ignoring the strain in my thighs, I bobbed up and down on his cock,
slowing my rhythm whenever I saw him arch towards climax and speeding
up again when the danger had passed. I wanted this to last as long as
But eventually I either mistook my rhythm or he was simply too
aroused to stop and he arched into me, his hands suddenly grasping my
waist and forcefully ramming me down into his thrust. The sudden
unexpected violence of his assault made my own cock erupt and I
screamed and my ass clenched tightly on its invader.
Squeezed by my contracting muscles, Chakotay instantly came with a
howl, filling me with his cum and then spent he collapsed back on to
the pillow, gasping for breath.
I sat there in ecstasy, feeling his softened cock sliding out of my
sore ass on a river of cum.
"Oh god, babe, that was so hot" he whispered sleepily, and tears of
joy formed in my eyes.
"Was it really good, Chak?" I whispered, needing some more
reassurance before he passed out again.
"It was fantastic, Babe" he yawned
"So you won't leave me?" I begged desperately
"I'll never leave you, Tom, I love you" he muttered and fell back
Stunned and shattered, I could only sit there in absolute shock and
horror, watching his chest rise and fall as he slept innocently,
unaware of the knife that had pierced my heart.