(Yes another mini epic)
Rating. SLASH, m/m NC-17
Archive: Anywhere, just let me know, please
Disclaimer: Tom, Chak et al are Paramount‘s (lucky devils) Angel is mine (yippee!)
In this story Tom and B‘Elanna never got together (Hooray!)
Chakotay and Paris‘s aggression was due to (you guessed it) Unresolved Sexual Tension! Chakotay had left a male lover back in the Maquis and can‘t get over the loss. Tom is completely besotted with Chakotay and is sure that the Commander is attracted to him too but can‘t get anywhere with him.
Tom Angst. Chakotay Angst.
As though it was only yesterday I can remember every detail of that night that I moved back into Chakotay‘s quarters. It had been a really bad day for me, exactly a year since my accident. Nobody mentioned the anniversary but I knew that everybody remembered the date from the shifty way they kept avoiding my glance.
I think that in a strange way they all felt responsible for their failure to find a cure for me, as though the accident had been their fault not my own. I guess that the anniversary spelled out for me the fact that it was too late for any more false hope. It was the day I finally accepted my paralysis was forever.
After shift I asked Harry to accompany me to Observation Lounge 2 to lay a ghost, so to speak. I needed to wallow a little in misery but I didn‘t want to be alone. Harry was nearly ecstatic at my invitation and I was guiltily aware of how long I had neglected him.
After the accident I had pushed him away, I had pushed everyone away until the only person who still came to see me without an express invitation was Chakotay. I was aware with a kind of rueful pleasure that even a refusal of admittance to Chakotay would only result in a broken door and a very pissed off Maquis warrior.
At the beginning I had hated him for his persistence, now I depended on it. But it was time for me to start reaching out to other old friends too, offering an olive branch. No one blamed me for my behavior, no one had grown to dislike me no matter how bitterly I had spurned them, but even Harry had become wary of my temper and it was time for me to grow up and get on with my life.
So we talked in the Observation lounge as we watched the passing constellations and at some point I found myself telling him the significance of the location and then he just held me awkwardly as I cried.
When the door opened and footsteps entered I simply knew it was Chakotay, as though the same echoes of memory linked us through eternity. As I turned myself and saw the wet tears on his face it was as though we were transported light-years back to the precise moment of our last meeting in this room.
I was barely aware of Harry leaving and Chakotay and I chatted quietly, cracking easy jokes to dispel the gloom in our hearts. That was when he asked me to come home.
It was strange how compelling those two words were considering I had never truly felt at home in Chakotay‘s quarters in my brief period of prior occupation. I had been too aware of myself as a jangling note in the calm symphony of his existence.
But truthfully the words did not evoke a picture of his spartan quarters in my head. It was not the thought of his four walls that inspired a smile like my face had forgotten it could make. To me Chakotay‘s invitation to come home was the key to his heart. He was offering to accept me completely into his life and soul.
At that point in my life, when all other hope had gone, there was no gift more precious that could have been offered to me and I grasped it firmly, if figuratively, in both hands.
As though he had been sure of my decision all along, and let‘s face it I hadn‘t got that many alternatives lined up, he immediately commed B‘Elanna and told her to implement his plan.
So just an hour later, Chakotay managed to keep his promise and take me home.
With the help of the transporters B‘Elanna had make short shrift of moving me in. As Chakotay stepped aside to let me float through the door I could see the lights of my bio-bed twinkling from deep within the unlit bedroom like a bizarre Christmas tree.
The tears caught in my eyes as I saw my favourite picture hung on the wall over the Vid screen and various personal items that I had collected on my away missions were scattered around the shelves.
A whole new shelf had been put up for my vids and data-padds. And the treasured picture of my Mum and sisters had joined the wall next to the picture of Chakotay‘s own family.
I looked around the room in disbelief as Chakotay came up to me and slung his arm around my shoulders in a comforting hug.
"This is what I wanted before, Tom. This is what I expected to see on that night I came home." He explained gently and for the first time, as I replayed my memory of that terrible night, I truly saw things from his point of view.
"How come we were both so fucking stupid!" I hissed as hot tears
forced their way from my burning eyes
"I don‘t know, Tom, I‘m only sorry that you had to pay such a terrible price." Chakotay murmured as he kissed my temple gently before walking over to the replicator to order our dinner.
As he walked I noticed for the first time how much he had aged over the last year, his hair was shot through with silver strands, his eyes were lined and furrowed, his body almost as thin now as mine. He had not coped well with what had happened to me.
"We have both paid the price." I stated firmly and he looked at me in amazement before sighing and nodding in reluctant agreement.
"Let‘s promise now that we will always tell each other exactly how we feel. We must never let our failure to talk to each other destroy us again!" Chakotay vowed fiercely and I agreed completely.
After he had fed me and eaten his own meal, he unstrapped me from my chair and careful not to disconnect my tubes from it‘s base he gathered me in his arms and sat back down on the couch until I was sitting on his lap, my head on his shoulder and his firm hands hugging me tightly.
I could feel his warmth surrounding me, seeping up into my dead thighs, burrowing in to my chest from his strong arms. For the first time I truly gave thanks to the Breegren for their gift of sensation as I sighed with bliss and sank into his embrace.
To know that his mouth was only inches from mine but that I was as unable to reach it as a puppet without strings made me groan with frustration. Instantly Chakotay responded to my exclamation with fear "What is it, Tom? Am I hurting you? Do you want me to put you back in your chair?"
"No, I want you to kiss me." I replied firmly
Hesitantly he loosened an arm enough to rock me backwards so that my face was in front of his and he peered into my eyes with soft concern as though to check I really meant it. Finally convinced he let his velvet lips descend to mine. I closed my eyes in blissful anticipation and felt him touch his lips firmly to mine in a polite buss and then he withdrew.
I snapped my eyes open in fury. "I said kiss me. Properly, I‘m not your mother" I spat in my disappointment.
As he hesitated, a sick dread knifed into my soul, ripping away all of my self-confidence.
"Unless you don‘t want me anymore" I whispered brokenly.
His answer was to swoop down again and this time his lips were open and welcoming. I pushed the hesitant tip of my tongue out to touch his and for a few seconds we danced like this before groaning with need, he forced his hot tongue completely inside my mouth and plundered mercilessly.
As the taste of his sweet, salty saliva exploded on my taste buds and his clean musky aroma assaulted my nose, I was enveloped by an unbelievably fierce wave of arousal.
A hot kiss like this had always shot down to my groin in the past but with nowhere to go but up the sensation short-circuited my brain and lights flashed in my eyes as I grew dizzy with desire. We were both panting for breath as he finally pulled away. For a moment he gazed with concern at my glazed expression, and then realising that I was fine he gently kissed the tip of my nose.
I could feel his hardness pressing up into the back of my thighs and I sighed at my inability to take the kiss any further. Perhaps the Doctor could do something about the messy tubes of my plumbing. I knew I was impotent but I would still be able to feel him fill me, be able to experience the friction of his skin against mine.
But as I looked up a Chakotay‘s face I had to admit to myself that it would probably be a cold day in hell before he would agree to take my paralyzed body in that fashion, no matter how much I begged him to.
I shuddered inside at the thought of him spending the rest of his life whacking off in the shower whilst I lay frustrated and helpless in the next room. I closed my eyes in sudden misery.
"Are you all right, babe?" Chakotay asked with such concern that I was ashamed of my selfishness.
"Just tired" I whispered, and as he carried me to my bed I considered bitterly that our new regime of truthfulness had been very short lived.