(Yes another mini epic)
Rating. SLASH, m/m NC-17
Archive: Anywhere, just let me know, please
Disclaimer: Tom, Chak et al are Paramount‘s (lucky devils) Angel is mine (yippee!)
In this story Tom and B‘Elanna never got together (Hooray!) Chakotay and Paris‘s aggression was due to (you guessed it) Unresolved Sexual Tension! Chakotay had left a male lover back in the Maquis and can‘t get over the loss.
Tom is completely besotted with Chakotay and is sure that the Commander is attracted to him too but can‘t get anywhere with him. Tom Angst. Chakotay Angst.
Have you ever felt like your world has ended? Like you are teetering on the edge of a huge black cliff looking down into a bottomless pit and know that if you fall there will never be a way to survive. Yet the pit is actually inside of you, so there‘s no escape.
He doesn‘t love me.
He never did.
I want to die.
I don‘t know how it went so badly wrong. I keep replaying the last evening over and over in my head, examining my actions. Trying to figure out where I could have saved us.
If I could have saved us.
How could I have been so stupid?
I know that it‘s my own fault, that I have hurt Tom beyond any hope of forgiveness.
That even in the unlikely event that he still loves me, he will never risk letting me near him again.
It was my fault. I know that. I should have just left it alone. Let him take things at his own pace instead of making it come to a head.
We could have kept on going as we were. I could have preserved my illusion of happiness. But no, I had to demand more.
Typical, fucking typical.
You see, I couldn‘t let go of my doubts and insecurities. I had to push him into losing control. I had to make him prove he loved me.
I couldn‘t keep pouring my heart and soul into this relationship without knowing whether he really gave a damn.
And guess what?
I was so blind, so stupid to give in to Tom‘s request in the mood I was in. When I came home that night and simply found him waiting, it should have been enough for me.
I had spent the whole lonely day staring at the back of Bateheart‘s head, violently aware of the incongruity of the sight. As appalled at black hair in place of red-gold as I would have been by Neelix setting up a kitchen on the bridge.
Tom‘s absence just wasn‘t right. I found myself wrong-footed all day.
I kept looking up for Tom and not finding him where he belonged. Just simply missing him. Longing to touch him and see that sunny smile light up just for me.
By the time I left the bridge I had almost decided to put aside my qualms and fuck Tom ‚til he was senseless. Just the thought of him made my cock struggle impatiently inside my tight uniform. By the time I reached our quarters I was so hot with need that I just burst through the door.
I admit that for an imperceptible moment I hesitated, as I registered with disquiet that he was still the only anomalous item in my quarters. That there was still no other mark of his existence to demonstrate his acceptance of us as a couple.
But then seeing him, standing there in his favourite reproduction of 20th century clothes, a loose white T-shirt and blue jeans, with that beautiful smile on his face, I put my doubts from my mind and sprang forward to seize him in a long, passionate embrace.
I felt him stiffen in my arms as normal, but instead of letting it stop me this time I sank to my knees in front of him and ripped open the buttons on his jeans. When his eager cock sprang out, its pale skin stretched and flushed almost purple with the engorgement of desire, I swallowed it in one rush like a starving man at a feast.
I had to support Tom with my hands on his firm buttocks as he began to shake and tremble with need. Lovingly I licked and sucked while his hands clenched my short hair and his moans grew louder and more desperate.
It didn‘t take long before he came in my mouth and I swallowed his seed with relish. Licking every last succulent drop from my lips to show him how much I loved him.
When I heard Tom say, "Fuck me" it was impossible to refuse. While he was still stunned and reeling from his orgasm, I took him to the bedroom.
That was my real mistake.
I knew something was wrong the moment Chakotay stepped through the door. A strange annoyed look flashed across his face and I noticed his eyes darting around the room suspiciously.
The welcoming smile began to slide of my own face as I found myself looking frantically for whatever article I had forgotten to put away.
But before I completely dissolved into panic, Chakotay‘s frown was replaced with a broad smile and he jumped forwards so quickly that I barely had time to register his movement before his tongue forced itself between my lips, plundering my mouth with its hot sweetness.
I felt my knees beginning to give way in a combination of relief and desire; I stiffened to brace myself for the wonderful onslaught. Immediately, I felt him begin to pull away from me and I nearly screamed with frustration, only to instead gasp with shocked understanding as he gracefully dropped to the floor at my feet.
I can‘t describe the bewildered joy that besieged me as he began to frantically rummage in the fastenings of my jeans, as though he was digging for buried treasure. I was simply overwhelmed by the unbelievably erotic vision of his dark head nosing expectantly at my crotch.
Just the sight was enough to make my cock batter its own way out to a brief freedom before it was immediately devoured whole into the hot wet depths of Chakotay‘s hungry mouth.
Chakotay‘s velvet lips slid slowly up my shaft even as his tongue teased its weeping slit with furious licks.
I felt my knees buckle again but his strong hands snaked around me and firmly grabbed my butt. I leaned back trustingly, letting him support my weight as I gave in to the sensations he was creating in my groin.
I could feel the suction of Chakotay‘s powerful muscles as he devoured me.
"Oh god, oh god, don‘t stop" I pleaded and unbelievably he took me even deeper inside him until I came with a scream and he swallowed until I could almost feel myself turned inside out.
As he pulled his head away, his tongue lazily licking the corners of his mouth, I collapsed in a boneless heap in front of him and leant my head on his shoulder as I shuddered to catch my breath.
"Fuck me" I begged.
That was my mistake, although I didn‘t realise it at the time. That‘s when I set the events in motion that destroyed us.
But as he silently raised me to my feet and led me to the bedroom, I was so ecstatic with his capitulation that I never dreamt that it could go so wrong.
Tom stripped quickly and jumped to lie on the bed. His enthusiasm was contagious so I made short work of removing my uniform and joining him. I was so hard by then that it was impossible to stop.
I climbed on top and straddled him as he lay there panting, flushed with desire. As I kneeled over his belly, my cock met the bobbing head of his own.
I couldn‘t believe that he was ready again so soon. The advantages of youth, I guess.
"Fuck me Chakotay" he pleaded again and I drowned in his blue eyes.
His right hand came up and thrust a tube of lube at me, and even as I wondered where the hell he‘d hidden it, I found myself unscrewing the top and preparing myself for him.
When I tried to turn him over he refused, saying he wanted to watch me do it, so I hiked his knees up over my shoulders, grasped his wrists firmly and concentrated on the brown puckered opening that was suddenly so accessible.
Perhaps I was a little rough when I grabbed him, but spirits, if you could have heard the way he was moaning with eagerness! I was so careful, so controlled as I prepared him. I was so determined to take it slowly and lovingly.
But as I entered him, his hips jerked and his own movement impaled him. He screamed and to my shame, I lost control completely at the sound, thrusting into him like I wanted to assimilate his body into mine.
On and on I pounded into him, with fast furious strokes as I gasped in time with his own whimpers and moans. The perspiration was running down my forehead, blinding me as I reached my climax and my own shout deafened my ears to his cries.
That is my only excuse. I didn‘t see. I didn‘t hear. I didn‘t know.
It was only after I had collapsed on him and rubbed the sweat from my eyes that I looked down at Tom‘s face and saw the tears flooding from his eyes.
If I had had a knife I would have stabbed myself in the heart then and there.
I had unforgivably hurt Tom; I had pinned him helplessly to the bed and assaulted him just to satisfy my own selfish needs. I had taken my pleasure as he screamed and cried beneath me.
I had hurt this precious man who I had sworn to protect.
I felt my whole body stiffen with cold terror as I waited for his condemnation.
I was delirious as I ripped of my clothes and threw myself on the bed. I recognised the look in Chakotay‘s eyes although I had never seen it there before. It was true, blinding, red-hot passion.
Even as he tore off his clothes I grabbed the lube I had hidden earlier under the pillow in desperate hope.
He was finally out of control. For the first time in days I was truly convinced of his love for me. Usually he was so considerate, so controlled that I couldn‘t really believe his feelings for me were real. But this was different. This would be no gentle ‘making-love‘ as though I was too fragile for true emotion; it was finally going to be the real thing!
When I pleaded with him to take me on my back, so that I could see his face, see him ravish me and he agreed, by the simple act of roughly throwing my legs over his shoulders, I was euphoric.
For a moment I was frustrated as he made a visible effort to control himself as he entered me, so I thrust my hips up and forced him inside. I screamed with triumph as I felt him fill me. He must have realised my need because for the first time ever he truly let himself go, left the "Commander" discarded on the floor with his uniform and revealed the animal passion within him.
I can‘t begin to describe how wonderful it was. How my whole body was almost ripped apart by his powerful thrusts. You cannot believe the bliss of knowing in that moment that I was the vessel of Chakotay‘s happiness. As though my whole life had brought me to this moment just so that I could be the instrument of his release.
For those few minutes, as Chakotay lost himself in me, I forgot that I was Tom Paris fuck-up and failure and I ascended to become the alter on which Chakotay sacrificed his control and became mortal.
As he collapsed on top of me, his passion spent, his body heaving from exertion, I felt the years of rejection fall away from me and tears of happiness flooded my face.
For a timeless moment I believed that he really loved me.
So when he finally raised his head and looked at me I was surprised by his strange remote expression. Instead of the love I expected his face was full of pain and sorrow and loss.
I felt a cold hand clutch at my heart. I had just shared the most fantastic, intimate experience of my life with this man. Had given him everything I could give.
But he looked at me with the eyes of a stranger.
Nervously, I tried to smile but somehow I knew the expression came out wrong. So just trying desperately to break the tension I joked:
"How was it for you?"
"How was it for you?"
The sarcastic words combined with the mocking smile broke my heart.
But I suppose it was less than I deserved, less than the scornful accusations I had expected.
He hated me and it was my own fault.
What good would it do to beg for forgiveness that I knew he wouldn‘t be able to give?
All I could do now was let him leave with as much dignity as possible.
"I notice you‘ve been careful to hide your belongings" I said, my voice brittle with the strain of keeping in my tears.
He blinked at my tone and then carefully replied "I didn‘t want my presence to be conspicuous"
That‘s when my anger got the better of my guilt. When I realised that he had never had any intention of staying anyway. That he hadn‘t wanted anyone to know about the relationship because it wasn‘t permanent.
"So since no one knows, it won‘t be a problem for you to move back to your own quarters"
Tom‘s face was frozen with hate for a long moment and then he snapped viciously:
"No problem at all."
He left so quickly, so quietly, that I could only sit helplessly and watch him go.
I didn‘t understand what was going on. I couldn‘t imagine what I had done to upset him this time.
When he finally answered my joke I was completely floored by the weirdness of his reply.
"I notice you‘ve been careful to hide your belongings"
I think I just blinked, as confused by his words as by the chilly tone of his voice. I remembered the annoyed look on his face when he entered his quarters and wondered what it was I had left on show to upset him.
Bewildered and unsure of what to apologise for, I just replied "I didn‘t want my presence to be conspicuous"
His next words were so unexpected, so hurtful, that I can hardly bear to remember them.
"So since no one knows, it won‘t be a problem for you to move back to your own quarters"
And that‘s when I realised. That‘s when I finally understood.
He had never loved me at all.
For some sick reason he had gone along with me. Maybe out of pity because I had thrown myself at him so hard, for so long. That explained why he rarely wanted sex with me. I was just a mercy fuck, after all.
If I had maintained the status quo we might have been able to carry on but I had pushed him into a situation where he had forgotten who he was with. I had made him forget for a moment that it was me in front of him not his beloved Angel.
Now he couldn‘t even bear to look at me anymore.
How could I have been so fucking arrogant as to think someone like Chakotay could fall in love with me? I must have been an embarrassment to him. Like a schoolboy with a crush. He had tried to make me happy but had finally tired of the pretence.
Somehow I had to pull some shred of dignity around myself, had to pretend I could be an adult about this.
My face was frozen with the horror of rejection but I managed to say "No problem".
I quickly got dressed and grabbed my things. I didn‘t dare speak for fear I would beg him for another chance. I didn‘t look at him because I couldn‘t bear to see his pity or scorn.
I just ran.
I just knew that the relationship with Chakotay and Tom would end in tears and unfortunately I seem to have been right. The only good note is that they are "keeping it off the bridge". The bitterness and backbiting that I had anticipated has not materialised.
Although they can evidently not bear to look at each other and their words are short and formal when they are forced to converse during the course of their duties, there seems no animosity at all.
Strangely, it would be better if there was. I have two zombies on my senior staff. They are both like walking wounded. I could cry simply at the amount of pain that visibly pours off them both. It is though they are both in mourning.
As though someone they love has died.
They don‘t smile or laugh or even talk if they can avoid it. They both do their duties, eat their meals alone and disappear back to their quarters until the next duty shift.
I have an urge to knock their heads together.
But since that is beneath the dignity of a ship‘s Captain I have instead decided to give them a break from each other in the hope that a little distance will give them perspective.
I don‘t know what has gone wrong but is obvious to anyone who knows them that they love each other. If it wasn‘t true how could they both be affected so badly by their break-up?
I am sending Tom out on the Delta Flyer tomorrow to collect data on an interesting nebula that we passed yesterday. Well, if it had been truly interesting we wouldn‘t have just passed it by, but still, it gives me a way to get him off the ship for a couple of days.
In the meantime I will ask B‘Elanna to try and get Chakotay to tell her what the hell is going on.