Title: Talk 2/?
Pairings: C/P (later) K/S &
Disclaimer: Paramount owns them
part and parcel, I
just wanted them to have a bit of
Feedback: If you would like sure
Summary: Tom is feeling down, Chakotay
gets him to
A week later Chakotay, again, found
himself in his
office waiting for Tom. He was a
that Tom hadn't called him as they
agreed. It was
obvious from Tom's quiet manner
on the bridge the last
couple of days that he was still
depressed. It seemed
that their talk hadn't really helped.
The door chime
sounded, and Chakotay called for
Tom to enter.
"Hi, Tom. Come on in."
"Have a seat." Chakotay pointed to
the chair opposite
"Thanks." Tom sat heavily in the
chair. He knew he
should have come to Chakotay before
"Tom, I'm not going to beat around
the bush. Things
are not getting better. You seem
more reclusive then
before we talked last week. What's
"I know, Chakotay." He sighed in
you should take me off the helm
for a bit."
"Tom, is that what you really want
me to do?"
Chakotay was more than a little
"Not really. but. I think maybe,
it would be for the
best. I'm just not. I don't know.
There's nothing I can actually put
my finger on." Tom
really hated that he sounded so
lost and indecisive.
"Did I make it worse by having you
talk about it?"
Chakotay hoped it wasn't true.
"No! That's not it, really. Maybe
everything is just
catching up with me."
"I'm not sure. I can't seem to sleep
night. I'm not having any nightmares
or anything like
that. I lay in bed and all this
stuff runs through my
head, like conversations I've had
with people at
different times. I think about different
have happened in my life, wondering
if I should've
handled a situation differently.
With all that going
on in my head, it's hard to fall
asleep." As he ran
his hand through his hair, Tom sighed
and continued. "When I do fall asleep,
it's for no
more than a couple of hours. I feel
like I'm whining
about all that has gone wrong in
"You're just telling me what you're
whining. I'll tell you when you
start sounding like a
spoiled brat, okay?" Chakotay smiled
at him, hoping to
ease the tension he saw on Tom's
"Thanks *pal*." Tom graced him with
a small smile.
"Anytime. Okay, so what I have in
front of me is a
Chief Helmsman who needs a vacation."
"You got that right!"
"I'll talk to the captain and see
if we can come up
with a viable solution to the problem."
"That would be really great, Chakotay.
I feel like I
need to get my bearings straight,
and I don't seem to
be able to do that *and* work."
"Why don't I call the captain right
now, and see if
we can work it out starting tomorrow?"
Chakotay tapped his comm badge. "Chakotay
"Janeway here. What can I do for
"Captain, I was wondering if you
had a few minutes to
speak to Lieutenant Paris and myself?"
"Of course, Commander. Is everything
"I'm sure it will be, captain."
"I'll meet you in my ready room in
"Thank you, Captain. Chakotay out."
"Well, let's go see about getting
you some time off."
Chakotay stood and motioned towards
the door, and Tom
walked out ahead of him. They arrived
at the captain's
ready room in the suggested five
minutes, and once
inside, Captain Janeway offered
them both a seat.
"Now, what can I do for you gentlemen?"
she asked as
she sat opposite the two men. She
surprised when Chakotay had asked
for the meeting,
mostly because Tom had been included.
"Captain, Lieutenant Paris has asked
to be removed
from the helm for a few days. I
have to concur with
"Is everything alright?" she asked,
at the young pilot. "I've noticed
that you seem a bit
"I don't know if I can say that everything
isn't all right." With some hesitation,
"I haven't been sleeping or eating
well the past
couple of weeks, and it's affecting
"Are you ill?"
"No, I feel okay physically, it's
Tom hated to say that. He didn't
want the captain to
think he was unstable.
"Have you spoken to the doctor?"
for him, she knew she would do whatever
"No. I don't think he can help."
Tom shook his head.
He didn't want to see the doctor.
He knew that it
would be far too much if he had
to tell the holodoctor
that he needed drugs to get through
"He could give you something for
"To be perfectly honest, Captain,
I would prefer not
to depend on a drug to make me feel
better, or in the
case of drugs used for depression,
"Perhaps counseling then?'
"Actually, Captain, Lieutenant Paris
and I have spent
a little time doing just that. I
will, of course,
continue helping him work through
Chakotay decided it was time for
him to let the
captain know just what had been
breaking Tom's confidence.
"I didn't realize that you were counseling
Paris." Inwardly Kathryn thought,
''Why didn't he tell
me? I should know if one of my senior
suffering from depression.'
"I'm sorry, captain. I didn't realize
I needed to
tell you. We've only had one "session"
so far." He
glanced at her, thinking to himself,
'Did I sound
annoyed? Probably but I didn't care.'
"No. I'm sorry, Chakotay. You're
right. You didn't
*need* to tell me. I'm just surprised,
"Captain, the commander didn't say
anything at my
request. Honestly, I didn't want
anyone to know.
People might think I'm unstable,
and that wouldn't sit
well with some, knowing I'm flying
"Tom, seeking counseling doesn't
mean you are
unstable, or anything else. It means
recognize the fact that there could
be a potential
problem and you want to avoid that."
"Not everyone thinks the way you
do, Captain." Tom
was speaking from experiences with
"You're right, Tom. Again, I apologize.
trying to pry. Okay, so you say
we should remove you
from the helm, and Commander Chakotay,
counselor, agrees. While I am hesitant
to say you have
been removed from duty, I will grant
you a vacation. I
suggest that you continue to speak
to Chakotay. I
can't order you to do so every day,
but again, I'll
suggest that you speak with him
as often as possible."
"Thank you, captain."
"You're welcome, Tom. Just feel better,
"We are working on it, Captain."
"All right, Chakotay. Tom, I will
give you a week off
for now. Chakotay, will you keep
me informed as to how
he is doing?"
"Of course, Captain."
"Very well. Your vacation starts
After leaving the captain, they went
Chakotay's office. Neither spoke,
both lost in
thoughts. Once they arrived back
where they started,
Tom sat on the couch and Chakotay
behind his desk.
"Thanks for the support back there
Chakotay. I just
hope the captain isn't too angry
"Why would she be angry with me?"
"For not telling her about me."
"Tom, who I counsel and for what
reason is between
myself and the other person. The
captain knows that,
and she also knows that if I felt
you were a danger to
yourself or the crew, I would notify
"Well, she seemed a bit put out that
you didn't tell
"I think that's because you're a
member of the senior
staff, and more importantly, she
cares what happens to
"Maybe, but thanks anyway."
"No problem. Now, while you are on
vacation, I have a
couple of exercises I want you to
do. There will be
one or two that we will do together,
aside from just
sitting and talking."
"Okay, what do I have to do?"
"First, I want you to keep a journal.
Not in your
personal logs; this one I want you
to write. I want
you to put down on paper what you
especially at night before you go
to sleep. We'll talk
about them, and see if we can pinpoint
what is truly
bothering you. Second, I'm concerned
with you not
eating, so I want you to stimulate
Spend an hour a day in the gym program.
help relieve stress and help you
"They both seem easy enough, although
stuff down.. I'm not sure if it'll
make much sense.
There's a lot that goes on in my
head at one time."
"That's okay, just write. Actually
I don't want you
to think about what you're writing.
Just put down the
emotions you're feeling, and later
we'll go over them
and you can attach an event to the
"The day after tomorrow, we'll get
together and work
through some of the things we discover
from what you
"What will we be doing?"
"It will depend on what we find out.
But for tonight,
how about we have that pool game
"All right. That sounds good to me,
and I promise not
to back out this time."
"Tom, if you don't want to, it's
"No, I want to. I need to get out
of this slump I'm
in. Maybe going out and seeing Harry
and Seven, and
even B'Elanna and Tuvok, together
"Okay. How does 2000 hours sound?"
"What, no dinner tonight?" Tom teased.
"Well, I plan on eating. Want to
"I thought you'd never ask."
"Okay. Meet me at 1900 hours in the
"It's a date!" Tom got up and walked
out of the
office before Chakotay could say
anything. Not that he
could, because once again, Tom had
surprised him. He
knew Tom was only joking, but Chakotay
but wish they were actually dating.
'Not good, old
man. You're his counselor *not*
At Sandrine's, Tom seemed to be okay.
He laughed and
joked with most of the crew, and
his pool game was
dead on. Chakotay was enjoying himself,
but he always
did when he watched Tom work a room.
going just fine, until Harry and
Seven came in. When
Tom saw them, his back stiffened
and his face became a
bit tighter. Chakotay really had
to wonder if maybe
Tom was, in fact, jealous of one
Tom rejoined Chakotay at the table
they had procured
upon their arrival, hoping Harry
didn't see him.
Unfortunately Harry had. He and
Seven came over and
asked if they could join them.
"Sure, Harry. Hi, Seven." Chakotay
motioned to the
empty seats opposite him and Tom.
"Lieutenant Paris, Commander. Interesting
to see the
two of you out together. Harry did
not say you were a
couple." Chakotay choked on his
drink, and Tom's mouth
"Seven! They're just here as friends
Harry was mortified. "Just because
two people are
sitting together, it doesn't mean
they're a couple."
"I apologize. I should not have assumed
that you were
actually together." Seven looked
at Chakotay, but
didn't comment on the fact that
his reaction to what
she had said led her to believe
he wished her
statement was true.
"It's okay, Seven. No harm, no foul."
Tom was upset
at the assumption, and irritated
at the reaction from
"So, Tom. how are you? I haven't
seen you in a few
days, other than during shift."
"I'm good, Harry."
"Good. Want to play a game of pool
"Actually Har, Chakotay and I were
just going to
leave. He has an early meeting with
the captain, and
I'm kinda tired."
"Oh. Okay. Maybe tomorrow?" Harry
and didn't hide that fact.
"Yeah. I'll comm you and let you
know. Night." Tom
got up and hoped that Chakotay would
follow his lead.
He needed to get out, and quickly.
He felt a panic
attack coming on, and having it
Sandrine's wasn't what
"Night, Tom. Commander."
"Good-night, Harry, Seven. Have a
Chakotay followed Tom out, once again
why Tom wanted to leave, but concerned
at the look on
"Tom, are you okay?" Chakotay put
a hand on his arm
to stop his hastened exit.
"Not here. Can we go back to your
cabin? We can talk
there." Panic could be clearly heard
in his voice.
They walked in silence, acknowledging
they passed them. Once inside Chakotay's
offered Tom a seat and a drink.
Tom took the drink,
but not the seat. He paced around
the living room area
trying to catch his breath. Again,
help but wonder if there was an
attraction Tom was not
facing up to.
Finally, Chakotay stopped
Tom and led him to a
chair, making him sit and finish
"Okay, what happened?"
"Honestly, I felt this panicked feeling
come over me.
I had to get out of there. I'm sorry
for using you
again, Chakotay. I know this isn't
really fair to
"Tom, don't worry about me. I'm fine.
understand. What I'm worried about
is you, and why you
reacted the way you did when Harry
and Seven came
"I was fine when they first came
over." Tom looked up
at Chakotay and could see the older
man didn't really
believe he was fine when he first
saw his friend.
"Well. maybe not fine. But it was
when Seven referred
to us as a couple that I kinda freaked."
"Why did you freak?"
"Because of. the implications. Because
reactions." Tom clenched and unclenched
unconsciously betraying how upset
he was. "I'm not
sure which was worse."
"Were you worried that Harry or Seven
the idea that we were together?"
"I don't know. We aren't, so that
"Okay, let's go through this slowly.
When Seven said
that Harry hadn't mentioned us being
a couple, what
was the first thing that ran through
"I thought, 'Shit! Chakotay isn't
going to like that
"What was next?" Inwardly he thought,
'That is so far
from the truth.'
"I was insulted by the way Harry
seemed to freak at
the idea that we could be together."
"Because I felt like he thought you
wouldn't, be attracted to me."
"And that bothered you?"
"Why?" Chakotay hoped that Tom would
reveal that he
was attracted to him.
"Because it made me feel worthless
and that it would be impossible
for you, or anyone, to
look at me as relationship material."
"Tom, you are not worthless or unattractive.
have to ask. Are you attracted to
Harry or Seven? Is
that why you got upset?"
"NO! I am not attracted to either
one of them. I
don't have these unresolved feelings
one." The affirmation was more than
"Shit. I don't know *why* I felt
that way, but I
"Tom, I'm not saying you shouldn't
have felt what you
did. I'm just trying to help you
find out why you
"I know. I'm sorry. You don't need
"Again, I'm trying to help you, so
you need to bounce off of me is
"All right. Just remember you asked
for it," Tom
"I'll remember. So talk." Chakotay
"I guess after failing with B'Elanna,
I started to
feel like there was something wrong
with me. I mean,
here I was dating this very attractive,
sexy woman, and she was using me
to make someone else
jealous. A *Vulcan* no less. Then
Harry made me feel
even more worthless by seemingly
thinking that the
idea of you and I as a couple was
"Okay. Let's go through one item
at a time. First off,
you didn't fail with B'Elanna. You
knew from the
beginning that she was interested
in someone else. You
cannot change someone's feelings
like that. I will say
that I think it was wrong of B'Elanna
to ask for your
help, but that is my opinion. The
failure would have
been if you didn't see that you
were getting too
involved. That would have been a
great disservice to
YOU and B'Elanna. When you realized
getting too serious on your part,
you ended it. That,
Tom, is not failure. *That* is success."
"Well, why don't I feel like a success?"
"Because you wanted more, and it
"I suppose you're right. Doesn't
make me feel any
"It will, I promise. Next, you are
else to dictate to you who you should
and shouldn't be
with. Harry doesn't approve of same-sex
"I have no idea. We never discussed
"Okay, but his opinion of you and
"Yes, he's my best friend."
"So if he had a problem with you
dating a man, you
wouldn't do it?" Chakotay found
himself praying that
was not the case.
"I don't know."
"Perhaps you should think about that."
Tom grinned. "Why? Do you want to
ask me out
"You know it!" Tom laughed.
"Good. Now go and get some sleep,
and remember about
the two things I want you to do."
"I remember, write and exercise."
"Right. I'm off in a few days. We
can spend more time
going over what you wrote, and see
if we can figure
out what's really going on."
"So you're going to continue your
"For a little while, at least. Your
head does seem to
be a bit larger then most." Chakotay
"Good one, Chak."
"No one has called me that in a long
was surprised to hear the nickname,
but liked the way
it sounded coming from Tom.
"What? Oh, sorry."
"Don't be. My cousin use to call
me that when we were
kids. It's been a while, that's
"Well, then it'll be my mission to
make sure you hear
it once in a while."
"You *are* nuts. Do you know that?"
"Sure I do. Its just. now, not only
am I crazy. but
I'm depressed too."
"Kicking me out already? Some date
you turned out to
be." Tom gave him a mock pout, then
"Oh, does this mean I don't get a
"Not on the first date commander.
I wouldn't want you
to think I'm easy."
Deciding to end this conversation
before he got
himself in any deeper or harder,
Chakotay got up and
put the glasses in the recycler.
"Good-night, Chak, and thanks again."
"Good-night, Tom, and you're welcome."
"Will I see you tomorrow? Or do I
get a day off from
my brain being picked?"
"I'll give you the day off. The following
though, be prepared. I'll be at
your door at 0900
hours, ready to start all over again."
"I've been warned, and I'll be ready
for you." With
that, Tom was gone.
Chakotay leaned his head against
the cool metal of the
bulkhead. He wasn't sure if he could
evening of sexual innuendoes with
revealing how he felt. Maybe this
wasn't a good idea
after all. Maybe he should have
Tuvok talk to Tom. No,
that wouldn't help him. Tom wouldn't
be able to talk
about his relationship with B'Elanna
Chakotay knew Tom would be too afraid
that he would
slip up and break B'Elanna's confidence.
never forgive himself for doing
That settled it, he decided as he
went to his desk.
He would just find a way to get
through the times he
would end up being alone with Tom.
He would just have
to make sure that the banter didn't
lean towards sex.
He groaned to himself. Tom and sex
in the same thought
was not good. He felt himself growing
purposefully changed the direction
of his thoughts to
a report he had to read.
Half an hour later, he was still
on the first
paragraph of the report, and he
was even harder then
when he had sat down. It wasn't
his fault. He tried to
concentrate, but imagines of him
and Tom enjoying a
quiet meal or a leisurely stroll
through the fields of
his holoprogram of Dorvan kept fluttering
mind. Then the imagines would change.
He and Tom would
be in the cabin of that program,
and they would be
making love. Chakotay could see,
and almost smell and
taste, Tom's reactions to what he
did to him.
Chakotay closed his eyes and allowed
to wash over him: Tom on the bed,
Chakotay over him,
learning every inch of his body,
kissing his way up
and down, stopping to lick certain
spots, knowing that
it would cause the most wonderful
sounds to escape
from Tom's lips.
Chakotay's hand gravitated to his
erection, and after opening his
pants, reached in and
grasped it. In his mind's eye, he
reached for Tom's
hardness, stroking it, loving the
weight of it in his
hand. He would pay homage to the
organ with his hand,
lips, mouth and tongue, tasting
it and feeding off of
it, sucking it deep into his throat,
screamed his name and exploded
Chakotay masturbated to the fantasy
of giving Tom the
most mind-blowing orgasm he ever
had. He yelled Tom's
name as his own release shot all
over his hand and
shirt. As the haze lifted, he groaned.
He had to stop
doing this to himself. He'd never
be able to look Tom
in the eye if he didn't. He was
supposed to be helping
Tom through his depression, not
feeding his own
Chakotay got up and went to the bathroom
stripped and got into the shower,
again for his inappropriate behavior,
"Not while you
are counseling him, you old fool".
Once done and
dried, he got into bed and prayed
for sleep to
overtake him quickly. He needed
to meditate before he
met with Tom in two days. He had
to stay focused on
helping Tom. That was most important.
thought before sleep overtook him
was that when Tom
was better, *then* he would pursue
As Tom sprawled out on his bed, he
thought about his
reaction to Harry's disapproval
of Seven's assumption.
Tom also thought about what Chakotay
asked. Would he
allow Harry to influence him in
deciding whether or
not he wanted to pursue a relationship
No, wait. That wasn't what Chakotay
asked. He asked
that if Tom were dating a man, he
didn't say whom, and
Harry had a problem with it, would
Tom not pursue it?
Thinking about it some more, Tom
sat up and got found
a pen and paper. He began writing,
spilling out of him, filling the
paper: anger at Harry
for disapproving of his relationship
being upset with himself for allowing
Harry to dictate
whom he should, and shouldn't, care
about; rage that
he couldn't express his feelings
for Chakotay without
losing his friend Harry; and most
important, his want
and need for love and affection,
just like everyone
Tom stopped and read what he wrote.
He was shocked to
say the least. He didn't think of
Chakotay that way,
did he? Did he just use Chakotay,
because he was the
one he was with? In his mind he
thought of another
crewmember, choosing Pablo at random.
He pictured the
two of sitting in Sandrine's having
a beer together,
and the same conversation happening.
No. He didn't see
himself reacting the same way, he
couldn't see that he
would get so upset with Pablo hearing
and then the adamant denied from
Shit! Damn it! He didn't need this.
didn't need this. He couldn't share
this with him. Tom
ripped the piece of paper up, got
up and threw it in
the recycle bin. He had promised
Chakotay he would
write down his thoughts. He would
just have to come up
with different thoughts.
Laying back down, he closed his eyes
and found that
he couldn't get the imagine of Chakotay
joking around in first officer's
quarters tonight out
of his mind. He recalled seeing
the smile on Chak's
face when he shortened his name,
and realized he
enjoyed Chakotay's company more
then he had enjoyed
anyone's in a while, including Harry's.
Oh, he was in
big trouble. This was sick. His
friend was trying to
help him, and he was having lustful
Tom thought about the years that
he'd known Chakotay.
He had to admit that he'd always
found the older man
attractive. There was a time, during
his short stay in
the Maquis, that Tom wanted to find
out if Chakotay
would be interested in him, even
though he was truly
not in the best frame of mind at
the time. That
thought faded when they once again
faced each other on
the bridge of Voyager.
Rolling over on his stomach, he groaned
erection he was trying to ignore
rubbed against the
sheet. The friction felt good, so
he slid his hand
underneath and took hold of it and
began stroking. In
his mind, it was Chakotay's hand
caressing him, sending shivers down
his spine. He
could feel Chakotay's tongue licking
him, his mouth
closing around the weeping head
and sucking it deep
into his throat. It was Chakotay
pushing him over the
edge. He moaned the older man's
name as his release
spilled out. Feeling emotionally
drained, Tom fell asleep after rolling
away from the
wet spot. His final thought was
he needed to find
control so he could look Chak in
the face in two days.