A week later Chakotay, again, found himself in his
office waiting for Tom. He was a little disappointed
that Tom hadn't called him as they agreed. It was
obvious from Tom's quiet manner on the bridge the last
couple of days that he was still depressed. It seemed
that their talk hadn't really helped. The door chime
sounded, and Chakotay called for Tom to enter.

"Hi, Tom. Come on in."

"Hey, Chakotay."

"Have a seat." Chakotay pointed to the chair opposite
his desk. 

"Thanks." Tom sat heavily in the chair. He knew he
should have come to Chakotay before this. 

"Tom, I'm not going to beat around the bush. Things
are not getting better. You seem more reclusive then
before we talked last week. What's going on?"

"I know, Chakotay." He sighed in resignation. "Maybe
you should take me off the helm for a bit." 

"Tom, is that what you really want me to do?"
Chakotay was more than a little surprised.

"Not really. but. I think maybe, it would be for the
best. I'm just not. I don't know. feeling right.
There's nothing I can actually put my finger on." Tom
really hated that he sounded so lost and indecisive.

"Did I make it worse by having you talk about it?"
Chakotay hoped it wasn't true.

"No! That's not it, really. Maybe everything is just
catching up with me."

"How so?"

"I'm not sure. I can't seem to sleep through the
night. I'm not having any nightmares or anything like
that. I lay in bed and all this stuff runs through my
head, like conversations I've had with people at
different times. I think about different things that
have happened in my life, wondering if I should've
handled a situation differently. With all that going
on in my head, it's hard to fall asleep." As he ran
his hand through his hair, Tom sighed in frustration
and continued. "When I do fall asleep, it's for no
more than a couple of hours. I feel like I'm whining
about all that has gone wrong in my life."

"You're just telling me what you're feeling, not
whining. I'll tell you when you start sounding like a
spoiled brat, okay?" Chakotay smiled at him, hoping to
ease the tension he saw on Tom's face.

"Thanks *pal*." Tom graced him with a small smile.

"Anytime. Okay, so what I have in front of me is a
Chief Helmsman who needs a vacation."

"You got that right!"

"I'll talk to the captain and see if we can come up
with a viable solution to the problem."

"That would be really great, Chakotay. I feel like I
need to get my bearings straight, and I don't seem to
be able to do that *and* work."

"Why don't I call the captain right now, and see if
we can work it out starting tomorrow?"

"Okay."

Chakotay tapped his comm badge. "Chakotay to Janeway."

"Janeway here. What can I do for you, Commander?"

"Captain, I was wondering if you had a few minutes to
speak to Lieutenant Paris and myself?"

"Of course, Commander. Is everything alright?"

"I'm sure it will be, captain."

"I'll meet you in my ready room in five minutes."

"Thank you, Captain. Chakotay out."

"Well, let's go see about getting you some time off."
Chakotay stood and motioned towards the door, and Tom
walked out ahead of him. They arrived at the captain's
ready room in the suggested five minutes, and once
inside, Captain Janeway offered them both a seat.

"Now, what can I do for you gentlemen?" she asked as
she sat opposite the two men. She was somewhat
surprised when Chakotay had asked for the meeting,
mostly because Tom had been included.

"Captain, Lieutenant Paris has asked to be removed
from the helm for a few days. I have to concur with
his decision."

"Is everything alright?" she asked, looking directly
at the young pilot. "I've noticed that you seem a bit
quieter lately."

"I don't know if I can say that everything is or
isn't all right." With some hesitation, Tom continued.
"I haven't been sleeping or eating well the past
couple of weeks, and it's affecting my concentration."

"Are you ill?"

"No, I feel okay physically, it's more. mentally."
Tom hated to say that. He didn't want the captain to
think he was unstable.

"Have you spoken to the doctor?" Genuinely concerned
for him, she knew she would do whatever was necessary
to help. 

"No. I don't think he can help." Tom shook his head.
He didn't want to see the doctor. He knew that it
would be far too much if he had to tell the holodoctor
that he needed drugs to get through the day. 

"He could give you something for depression."

"To be perfectly honest, Captain, I would prefer not
to depend on a drug to make me feel better, or in the
case of drugs used for depression, feel nothing."

"Perhaps counseling then?'

"Actually, Captain, Lieutenant Paris and I have spent
a little time doing just that. I will, of course,
continue helping him work through everything."
Chakotay decided it was time for him to let the
captain know just what had been happening, without
breaking Tom's confidence.

"I didn't realize that you were counseling Mr.
Paris." Inwardly Kathryn thought, ''Why didn't he tell
me? I should know if one of my senior staff was
suffering from depression.'

"I'm sorry, captain. I didn't realize I needed to
tell you. We've only had one "session" so far." He
glanced at her, thinking to himself, 'Did I sound
annoyed? Probably but I didn't care.' 

"No. I'm sorry, Chakotay. You're right. You didn't
*need* to tell me. I'm just surprised, that's all."

"Captain, the commander didn't say anything at my
request. Honestly, I didn't want anyone to know.
People might think I'm unstable, and that wouldn't sit
well with some, knowing I'm flying this ship."

"Tom, seeking counseling doesn't mean you are
unstable, or anything else. It means that you
recognize the fact that there could be a potential
problem and you want to avoid that."

"Not everyone thinks the way you do, Captain." Tom
was speaking from experiences with his father.

"You're right, Tom. Again, I apologize. I wasn't
trying to pry. Okay, so you say we should remove you
from the helm, and Commander Chakotay, as your
counselor, agrees. While I am hesitant to say you have
been removed from duty, I will grant you a vacation. I
suggest that you continue to speak to Chakotay. I
can't order you to do so every day, but again, I'll
suggest that you speak with him as often as possible."

"Thank you, captain."

"You're welcome, Tom. Just feel better, okay?"

"We are working on it, Captain."

"All right, Chakotay. Tom, I will give you a week off
for now. Chakotay, will you keep me informed as to how
he is doing?"

"Of course, Captain."

"Very well. Your vacation starts now, Tom.
Dismissed."

After leaving the captain, they went back to
Chakotay's office. Neither spoke, both lost in
thoughts. Once they arrived back where they started,
Tom sat on the couch and Chakotay behind his desk.

"Thanks for the support back there Chakotay. I just
hope the captain isn't too angry with you."

"Why would she be angry with me?"

"For not telling her about me."

"Tom, who I counsel and for what reason is between
myself and the other person. The captain knows that,
and she also knows that if I felt you were a danger to
yourself or the crew, I would notify her immediately."

"Well, she seemed a bit put out that you didn't tell
her."

"I think that's because you're a member of the senior
staff, and more importantly, she cares what happens to
you."

"Maybe, but thanks anyway."

"No problem. Now, while you are on vacation, I have a
couple of exercises I want you to do. There will be
one or two that we will do together, aside from just
sitting and talking."

"Okay, what do I have to do?"

"First, I want you to keep a journal. Not in your
personal logs; this one I want you to write. I want
you to put down on paper what you are feeling,
especially at night before you go to sleep. We'll talk
about them, and see if we can pinpoint what is truly
bothering you. Second, I'm concerned with you not
eating, so I want you to stimulate your appetite.
Spend an hour a day in the gym program. It'll also
help relieve stress and help you sleep."

"They both seem easy enough, although the writing
stuff down.. I'm not sure if it'll make much sense.
There's a lot that goes on in my head at one time."

"That's okay, just write. Actually I don't want you
to think about what you're writing. Just put down the
emotions you're feeling, and later we'll go over them
and you can attach an event to the feelings."

"Okay."

"The day after tomorrow, we'll get together and work
through some of the things we discover from what you
write."

"What will we be doing?"

"It will depend on what we find out. But for tonight,
how about we have that pool game you promised?"

"All right. That sounds good to me, and I promise not
to back out this time."

"Tom, if you don't want to, it's okay."

"No, I want to. I need to get out of this slump I'm
in. Maybe going out and seeing Harry and Seven, and
even B'Elanna and Tuvok, together will help."

"Okay. How does 2000 hours sound?" Chakotay asked.

"What, no dinner tonight?" Tom teased.

"Well, I plan on eating. Want to join me?"

"I thought you'd never ask." 

"Okay. Meet me at 1900 hours in the mess hall."

"It's a date!" Tom got up and walked out of the
office before Chakotay could say anything. Not that he
could, because once again, Tom had surprised him. He
knew Tom was only joking, but Chakotay couldn't help
but wish they were actually dating. 'Not good, old
man. You're his counselor *not* his boyfriend.'

######

At Sandrine's, Tom seemed to be okay. He laughed and
joked with most of the crew, and his pool game was
dead on. Chakotay was enjoying himself, but he always
did when he watched Tom work a room. Everything was
going just fine, until Harry and Seven came in. When
Tom saw them, his back stiffened and his face became a
bit tighter. Chakotay really had to wonder if maybe
Tom was, in fact, jealous of one of them. 

Tom rejoined Chakotay at the table they had procured
upon their arrival, hoping Harry didn't see him.
Unfortunately Harry had. He and Seven came over and
asked if they could join them.

"Sure, Harry. Hi, Seven." Chakotay motioned to the
empty seats opposite him and Tom.

"Lieutenant Paris, Commander. Interesting to see the
two of you out together. Harry did not say you were a
couple." Chakotay choked on his drink, and Tom's mouth
fell open.

"Seven! They're just here as friends playing pool."
Harry was mortified. "Just because two people are
sitting together, it doesn't mean they're a couple." 

"I apologize. I should not have assumed that you were
actually together." Seven looked at Chakotay, but
didn't comment on the fact that his reaction to what
she had said led her to believe he wished her
statement was true.

"It's okay, Seven. No harm, no foul." Tom was upset
at the assumption, and irritated at the reaction from
Harry.

"So, Tom. how are you? I haven't seen you in a few
days, other than during shift."

"I'm good, Harry."

"Good. Want to play a game of pool with me?"

"Actually Har, Chakotay and I were just going to
leave. He has an early meeting with the captain, and
I'm kinda tired." 

"Oh. Okay. Maybe tomorrow?" Harry was disappointed
and didn't hide that fact.

"Yeah. I'll comm you and let you know. Night." Tom
got up and hoped that Chakotay would follow his lead.
He needed to get out, and quickly. He felt a panic
attack coming on, and having it Sandrine's wasn't what
he wanted.

"Night, Tom. Commander."

"Good-night, Harry, Seven. Have a pleasant evening."

Chakotay followed Tom out, once again understanding
why Tom wanted to leave, but concerned at the look on
his face.

"Tom, are you okay?" Chakotay put a hand on his arm
to stop his hastened exit.

"No!"

"What's wrong?"

"Not here. Can we go back to your cabin? We can talk
there." Panic could be clearly heard in his voice. 

"Sure."

They walked in silence, acknowledging crewmembers as
they passed them. Once inside Chakotay's cabin, he
offered Tom a seat and a drink. Tom took the drink,
but not the seat. He paced around the living room area
trying to catch his breath. Again, Chakotay couldn't
help but wonder if there was an attraction Tom was not
facing up to.

  Finally, Chakotay stopped Tom and led him to a
chair, making him sit and finish his drink.

"Okay, what happened?"

"Honestly, I felt this panicked feeling come over me.
I had to get out of there. I'm sorry for using you
again, Chakotay. I know this isn't really fair to
you."

"Tom, don't worry about me. I'm fine. I do
understand. What I'm worried about is you, and why you
reacted the way you did when Harry and Seven came
over."

"I was fine when they first came over." Tom looked up
at Chakotay and could see the older man didn't really
believe he was fine when he first saw his friend.
"Well. maybe not fine. But it was when Seven referred
to us as a couple that I kinda freaked." 

"Why did you freak?"

"Because of. the implications. Because of. Harry's
reactions." Tom clenched and unclenched his fists,
unconsciously betraying how upset he was. "I'm not
sure which was worse."

"Were you worried that Harry or Seven wouldn't like
the idea that we were together?"

"I don't know. We aren't, so that doesn't matter."

"Okay, let's go through this slowly. When Seven said
that Harry hadn't mentioned us being a couple, what
was the first thing that ran through your head?"

"I thought, 'Shit! Chakotay isn't going to like that
idea'."

"What was next?" Inwardly he thought, 'That is so far
from the truth.'

"I was insulted by the way Harry seemed to freak at
the idea that we could be together."

"Why?

"Because I felt like he thought you couldn't, or
wouldn't, be attracted to me."

"And that bothered you?"

"Yes!"

"Why?" Chakotay hoped that Tom would reveal that he
was attracted to him.

"Because it made me feel worthless and unattractive,
and that it would be impossible for you, or anyone, to
look at me as relationship material."

"Tom, you are not worthless or unattractive. Again, I
have to ask. Are you attracted to Harry or Seven? Is
that why you got upset?"

"NO! I am not attracted to either one of them. I
don't have these unresolved feelings towards either
one." The affirmation was more than clearly sent
across.

"Okay." 

"Shit. I don't know *why* I felt that way, but I
did." 

"Tom, I'm not saying you shouldn't have felt what you
did. I'm just trying to help you find out why you
did."

"I know. I'm sorry. You don't need this crap."

"Again, I'm trying to help you, so whatever *crap*
you need to bounce off of me is fine."

"All right. Just remember you asked for it," Tom
joked.

"I'll remember. So talk." Chakotay smiled.

"I guess after failing with B'Elanna, I started to
feel like there was something wrong with me. I mean,
here I was dating this very attractive, intelligent,
sexy woman, and she was using me to make someone else
jealous. A *Vulcan* no less. Then Harry made me feel
even more worthless by seemingly thinking that the
idea of you and I as a couple was ridiculous." 

"Okay. Let's go through one item at a time. First off,
you didn't fail with B'Elanna. You knew from the
beginning that she was interested in someone else. You
cannot change someone's feelings like that. I will say
that I think it was wrong of B'Elanna to ask for your
help, but that is my opinion. The failure would have
been if you didn't see that you were getting too
involved. That would have been a great disservice to
YOU and B'Elanna. When you realized things were
getting too serious on your part, you ended it. That,
Tom, is not failure. *That* is success."

"Well, why don't I feel like a success?"

"Because you wanted more, and it didn't happen."

"I suppose you're right. Doesn't make me feel any
better, though."

"It will, I promise. Next, you are allowing someone
else to dictate to you who you should and shouldn't be
with. Harry doesn't approve of same-sex
relationships?"

"I have no idea. We never discussed it."

"Okay, but his opinion of you and your relationships
matter."

"Yes, he's my best friend."

"So if he had a problem with you dating a man, you
wouldn't do it?" Chakotay found himself praying that
was not the case.

"I don't know."

"Perhaps you should think about that."

Tom grinned. "Why? Do you want to ask me out
Chakotay?"  

"Smart-ass."

"You know it!" Tom laughed. 

"Feeling better?"

"Yeah, thanks."

"Good. Now go and get some sleep, and remember about
the two things I want you to do."

"I remember, write and exercise."

"Right. I'm off in a few days. We can spend more time
going over what you wrote, and see if we can figure
out what's really going on."

"So you're going to continue your head shrinking
duties?"

"For a little while, at least. Your head does seem to
be a bit larger then most." Chakotay teased.

"Good one, Chak."

"No one has called me that in a long time." Chakotay
was surprised to hear the nickname, but liked the way
it sounded coming from Tom.

"What? Oh, sorry."

"Don't be. My cousin use to call me that when we were
kids. It's been a while, that's all."

"Well, then it'll be my mission to make sure you hear
it once in a while."

"You *are* nuts. Do you know that?"

"Sure I do. Its just. now, not only am I crazy. but
I'm depressed too."

"Good-night, Tom." 

"Kicking me out already? Some date you turned out to
be." Tom gave him a mock pout, then a smile. 

"Oh, does this mean I don't get a kiss good-night?"

"Not on the first date commander. I wouldn't want you
to think I'm easy."

Deciding to end this conversation before he got
himself in any deeper or harder, Chakotay got up and
put the glasses in the recycler. 

"Good-night, Chak, and thanks again."

"Good-night, Tom, and you're welcome."

"Will I see you tomorrow? Or do I get a day off from
my brain being picked?"

"I'll give you the day off. The following morning,
though, be prepared. I'll be at your door at 0900
hours, ready to start all over again."

"I've been warned, and I'll be ready for you." With
that, Tom was gone.

Chakotay leaned his head against the cool metal of the
bulkhead. He wasn't sure if he could survive another
evening of sexual innuendoes with Tom without
revealing how he felt. Maybe this wasn't a good idea
after all. Maybe he should have Tuvok talk to Tom. No,
that wouldn't help him. Tom wouldn't be able to talk
about his relationship with B'Elanna to Tuvok.
Chakotay knew Tom would be too afraid that he would
slip up and break B'Elanna's confidence. He would
never forgive himself for doing that. 

That settled it, he decided as he went to his desk.
He would just find a way to get through the times he
would end up being alone with Tom. He would just have
to make sure that the banter didn't lean towards sex.
He groaned to himself. Tom and sex in the same thought
was not good. He felt himself growing harder, and
purposefully changed the direction of his thoughts to
a report he had to read. 

Half an hour later, he was still on the first
paragraph of the report, and he was even harder then
when he had sat down. It wasn't his fault. He tried to
concentrate, but imagines of him and Tom enjoying a
quiet meal or a leisurely stroll through the fields of
his holoprogram of Dorvan kept fluttering through his
mind. Then the imagines would change. He and Tom would
be in the cabin of that program, and they would be
making love. Chakotay could see, and almost smell and
taste, Tom's reactions to what he did to him.

Chakotay closed his eyes and allowed those imagines
to wash over him: Tom on the bed, Chakotay over him,
learning every inch of his body, kissing his way up
and down, stopping to lick certain spots, knowing that
it would cause the most wonderful sounds to escape
from Tom's lips.

Chakotay's hand gravitated to his own throbbing
erection, and after opening his pants, reached in and
grasped it. In his mind's eye, he reached for Tom's
hardness, stroking it, loving the weight of it in his
hand. He would pay homage to the organ with his hand,
lips, mouth and tongue, tasting it and feeding off of
it, sucking it deep into his throat, until Tom
screamed his name and exploded

Chakotay masturbated to the fantasy of giving Tom the
most mind-blowing orgasm he ever had. He yelled Tom's
name as his own release shot all over his hand and
shirt. As the haze lifted, he groaned. He had to stop
doing this to himself. He'd never be able to look Tom
in the eye if he didn't. He was supposed to be helping
Tom through his depression, not feeding his own
fantasies. 

Chakotay got up and went to the bathroom where he
stripped and got into the shower, chastising himself,
again for his inappropriate behavior, "Not while you
are counseling him, you old fool". Once done and
dried, he got into bed and prayed for sleep to
overtake him quickly. He needed to meditate before he
met with Tom in two days. He had to stay focused on
helping Tom. That was most important. His final
thought before sleep overtook him was that when Tom
was better, *then* he would pursue him.

@@@@

As Tom sprawled out on his bed, he thought about his
reaction to Harry's disapproval of Seven's assumption.
Tom also thought about what Chakotay asked. Would he
allow Harry to influence him in deciding whether or
not he wanted to pursue a relationship with Chakotay?
No, wait. That wasn't what Chakotay asked. He asked
that if Tom were dating a man, he didn't say whom, and
Harry had a problem with it, would Tom not pursue it? 

Thinking about it some more, Tom sat up and got found
a pen and paper. He began writing, random thoughts
spilling out of him, filling the paper: anger at Harry
for disapproving of his relationship with Chakotay;
being upset with himself for allowing Harry to dictate
whom he should, and shouldn't, care about; rage that
he couldn't express his feelings for Chakotay without
losing his friend Harry; and most important, his want
and need for love and affection, just like everyone
else.

Tom stopped and read what he wrote. He was shocked to
say the least. He didn't think of Chakotay that way,
did he? Did he just use Chakotay, because he was the
one he was with? In his mind he thought of another
crewmember, choosing Pablo at random. He pictured the
two of sitting in Sandrine's having a beer together,
and the same conversation happening. No. He didn't see
himself reacting the same way, he couldn't see that he
would get so upset with Pablo hearing the assumption,
and then the adamant denied from Harry. 

Shit! Damn it! He didn't need this. Hell, Chakotay
didn't need this. He couldn't share this with him. Tom
ripped the piece of paper up, got up and threw it in
the recycle bin. He had promised Chakotay he would
write down his thoughts. He would just have to come up
with different thoughts. 

Laying back down, he closed his eyes and found that
he couldn't get the imagine of Chakotay and himself
joking around in first officer's quarters tonight out
of his mind. He recalled seeing the smile on Chak's
face when he shortened his name, and realized he
enjoyed Chakotay's company more then he had enjoyed
anyone's in a while, including Harry's. Oh, he was in
big trouble. This was sick. His friend was trying to
help him, and he was having lustful thoughts about
him. 

Tom thought about the years that he'd known Chakotay.
He had to admit that he'd always found the older man
attractive. There was a time, during his short stay in
the Maquis, that Tom wanted to find out if Chakotay
would be interested in him, even though he was truly
not in the best frame of mind at the time. That
thought faded when they once again faced each other on
the bridge of Voyager. 

Rolling over on his stomach, he groaned when the
erection he was trying to ignore rubbed against the
sheet. The friction felt good, so he slid his hand
underneath and took hold of it and began stroking. In
his mind, it was Chakotay's hand stroking and
caressing him, sending shivers down his spine. He
could feel Chakotay's tongue licking him, his mouth
closing around the weeping head and sucking it deep
into his throat. It was Chakotay pushing him over the
edge. He moaned the older man's name as his release
spilled out. Feeling emotionally and physically
drained, Tom fell asleep after rolling away from the
wet spot. His final thought was he needed to find
control so he could look Chak in the face in two days.

TBC