Title:Missing scene: Memorial
Author: Lilli
beta-reader: Pamela Blotnicky
Series: Voyager
Rated: PG
Code: P/T
Date:  september, 3rd 2000

Standard Disclaimer: Star Trek and its characters belong to Paramount, I'm just borrowing them.
Warning: Spoiler concerning 'Memorial'

As soon as the door closed behind his beloved, Tom felt small and guilty. He didn't mean to sink in self pity or let others suffer from his crime- to let B'Elanna suffer from his crime. It was he who had killed all those innocent civilians, not her. She just wanted to help him, be there for him. She couldn't accept that he had killed eighty-two people for no reason.

Tom was about to throw the lamp in front of him against the wall. It wasn't that he was too proud to let his girlfriend be there for him. He just wanted to think about what he had done...suffer for his actions.

*But that's selfish*, Tom thought. *B'Elanna's the one you took your
frustrations out on one minute ago...not just anyone, but B'Elanna!*
In his mind, a fight between the small angel on his left shoulder and the small devil on his right developed. He blamed himself for screaming at the only person he'd ever love.

*But I don't want to be comforted*
Why didn't she just stay with him? He didn't need any consolation, he just needed her.

*Because you screamed at her like she meant nothing to you and you told her you wanted to be alone*, he remembered.

"I'm sorry B'Elanna!" Tom whispered, continuing to gaze at the door.
"I didn't mean it!"

Of course she couldn't hear him.
B'Elanna was in Engineering, working as hard as she could.

"Who do you think you are, shouting at me like that?" she said angrily. The man next to her turned around.

"Sorry Ma'am, but I didn't say anything!" he replied quietly. B'Elanna turned around in surprise.

"What? Oh, sorry Ensign, I didn't mean to say it aloud. I am ...was...thinking.", she explained hesitantly. The tall black-haired man shot her a confused look, but he realized his chief was not going to explain it to him. So he smiled and concentrated on the console readings in front of him again. B'Elanna didn't care what the man would be thinking about her right now. She finally decided to leave Engineering in order to go and have a look at the Delta Flyer.
*I still can't and don't want to believe you've killed so many innocent people, Tom.*

She needed a distraction. *What has gotten into him?*
She stepped into the turbolift and preceded to the shuttle bay.

*Maybe I can't duplicate his situation*, she thought.
"However, I won't fall on my knees and implore you to let me help you, Tom!" she said out loud, thankful that she was alone on the lift. The doors opened again and she slowly went towards the Delta Flyer. B'Elanna entered the shuttle and pulled out her tricorder. Suddenly she had a piercing headache and pictures began forming before her eyes. Pictures of dead people lying everywhere. Women, men, as well as children. All of them were dead and she was standing in front of
them, holding a gun. Shots could be heard and there were fires all around her. Smoke was rising. Other people around her held guns also, and she recognized all of them. B'Elanna started to shiver and dropped her tricorder.

She left the shuttle bay as fast as possible, but the pictures just wouldn't leave her mind. Not only had Tom been there, but her as well. Her reality seemed to become blurred and she could no longer concentrate on anything but this terrible massacre. B'Elanna swallowed hard as she reeled along the corridors. Her headache became more and more painful and her knees suddenly began to tremble. She wanted so badly to sit down. No matter how hard she tried to think
of something else and pull herself together, she was unable to do so.

*I murdered these people*, she thought over and over again, though she tried not to loose control. She had told Tom there were possibilities left, but she wasn't sure anymore, whether that was the truth. Right now, she just wanted to get rid of the memories of all these screaming civilians imploring her not to shoot them
down. Nevertheless, she had killed them. No matter how hard they had cried. B'Elanna sweated and was unable to stand straight any longer. Slowly she slumped to the floor, pulling her knees up to her chest and trembling uncontrollably.

The next thing she realized was the mess hall, where many other crew members had gathered as well. They all looked tired, pale and seemed to remember similar incidents to what she had experienced.

Suddenly the doctor appeared behind her back and placed a hypospray on her neck. B'Elanna turned around. "Doctor?"

"Ah, Lieutenant Torres, you're talking to me again!"
She frowned. "What are you talking about?"

"When Mr. Carey brought you here, you were in a state of shock", the holographic man explained. B'Elanna nodded.

"All of them remember it, don't they?" she inquired.
The doctor lifted an eyebrow and took a deep breath.
"Well, most of the crew has this horrible war in their minds, but it's not sure, whether they REMEMBER it!"

B'Elanna didn't understand his explaination. She leaned back and upon one of her arms. Expectantly she regarded the physician.

"See, it's far-fetched enough to believe that Commander Chakotay, Kim, Neelix, and Paris could have been involved in this catastrophe, but we haven't even entered the system of that planet so how could *we* have murdered those people?? Maybe we're just forced to believe we remember that incident!" "I don't know HOW, Doctor, I just know that I've been there. I've got the pictures in my mind...I hear these people scream!" She sat up again. He didn't reply.

"Excuse me please, Lieutenant, I have to look after the Captain!" the doc said, and was gone. B'Elanna shook her head and continued looking around the crowded room. Even Neelix seemed to have lost his typical cheerfulness. He sat on one of the sofas, corners of his mouth turned into a frown and leaning his head upon one of his hands.

Other crew members were wrapped under covers. It was very quiet in the mess hall. Not many people had  conversations going. Some walked around in panic, until the doctor could take care of them helping them to calm down. B'Elanna started feeling cold. While she was still immersed in watching the other mess hall occupants, a warm  cover was suddenly wrapped around her and two loving hands rubbed her chilled arms. Somebody sat down next to her and patted her
back. B'Elanna turned around and looked into a pair of bright blue eyes. It was Tom who had now put an arm around her waist, and was smiling at her, lightly. She moved a little bit away from him.

"I don't want to be comforted right now!", she said, just like Tom had before, freeing herself from his embrace. In fact, she wanted to be consoled by him, but she also wanted him to realize how painful it felt to be pushed away. Tom took a deep breath. "I'm sorry, B'Elanna! I'm really sorry! I didn't mean to shout at you! You mean a lot....you mean the world to me!"

B'Elanna's eyes grew wider and she felt her heart beat faster. A little smile formed on her lips before he slowly continued. "I know I was rude to you and I'm sorry for that. It's just....you know, I was tired, I wanted to sleep, but I couldn't. Those memories just wouldn't let me. I didn't know why I had killed all these people and I had to find out. I didn't and still don't believe my own thoughts. I can't believe my inner voice telling me somebody has manipulated my thoughts, but I can't believe the other one either, trying to persuade me to think I have been on this planet, and participated in such an unforgivable act of hatred.  I was desperate and unsure of myself. I know I didn't have the right to hurt you, but though I'd do anything to change that, to turn back the hands of time, I just can't do that.

The only thing I can do, is hope that you will forgive me, because, although I still don't know what to think, I've never been unsure of the fact, that I love you and I don't want to loose you, B'Elanna!"

His eyes were sparkling and he spoke so softly that she was the only one to hear him. Tom wouldn't have minded if the whole crew would have heard his words, but he chose to keep this moment private, for just he and B'Elanna. His girlfriend came closer again and smiled at him.

"I love you too, Tom." she whispered into his ear, before she let herself drift into his embrace again. Tom sighed in relief and kissed her on top of her head. "We'll get through this, ok? No more arguing, I promise 'Lanna!" He paused for a moment and pulled the cover a little more over her back. B'Elanna closed her eyes, snuggled against her lover and returned the comforting embrace. "We'll get through this", he finally repeated and added in a tender voice: "Together, B'Elanna!"