Title: Constant Craving Author: KayTrek (KayTrek@Yahoo.com) Part: 1/1 Rating: PG-13 Codes: C/P Post/Archive: CPSG, VSPS, ATPS, the Tom Paris Dorm, anyone else please ask first Disclaimer: Star Trek and everything related is owned by Paramount/Viacom, this is just a not-for-profit fun fic. Dedicated to: CatHeights, who I think is the incarnation of my muse Constant Craving I have always had a constant craving for Chakotay -- ever since that first, clandestine time we came together in a plasma arc of passion. That first night, when he came into the bar, and said he was looking for a pilot, I knew. I knew I wanted him; I knew I had to have him; I knew I craved him. He was the addiction I had been looking for, the addiction I couldn't beat. I have craved many things over the years -- women, alcohol, drugs. But thanks to the fires and depths of my life, from which I have arisen harder, clearer and more focused, like a phoenix -- I have conquered those cravings. All but one. Chakotay. Even through the darkest phase of my life -- at Auckland -- the craving never went away. It may have been what allowed me to survive there, and jump, like a starving man for a crust of bread, for the offer Janeway gave me. Because it looked like a way back to Chakotay. But I was only fooling myself. Somehow, though, it is enough to be around him. Despite being thrown into the deepest depths of the Delta Quadrant, with the horrors we have faced here, I'm happier here, near him; much happier than I would have been safe, back home, not knowing where he was. Better, here with him, even if I am kept at a distance. Because he kept me at a distance, I hoped, I plotted, I craved, when we first got out here. I saved him on Ocampa. I pulled ridiculous stunts against the Kazon. All just to get him to notice me. But I know better now. There's something about the Delta Quadrant that is lifting the blinders from my eyes. I know now he doesn't want me, would never want me, that he has eyes only for the Captain. Somehow, slowly, my soul is realizing the truth. I don't know if there is a great magnet somewhere that pulls you into its orbit, like a black hole, until you face the truth, or if it is just life itself that helps you wise up, finally. I know the truth now. But it doesn't stop the craving. I've learned to live with the constant craving. Unlike my other addictions, I know it is one I'll never beat and never fulfill. Some days I curse being in the Delta Quadrant with him, so near, and yet so far. I think if I could get far enough away from him, I'd forget. But a year at Auckland wasn't enough to quench the craving. In my more honest moments, I know I'll never be rid of it. A constant craving. I learn to live with it, to ignore it, to function despite it. I grow stronger, every day, around him. I march brave in his ignorance of my craving. And at other times, I'm pathetically eager to be near him, to bask in the reflected glory. Oh, it doesn't cure the craving, even a little. If anything, it heightens it. But it is better than nothing at all -- Yes that's how it is when you have a constant craving. And my constant craving will forever be Chakotay. THE END Constant Craving (k.d.lang/Ben Mink) Even through darkest phase Be it thick or thin Always someone marches brave Here beneath my skin Constant craving Has always been Maybe a great magnet pulls All souls towards the truth Or maybe it is life itself That feeds wisdom To its youth Constant craving Has always been Craving Ah ha Constant craving Has always been Constant craving Has always been Constant craving Has always been Craving Ah ha Constant craving Has always been Has always been Has always been Has always been Has always been Has always been Copyright 1992 Bumstead Publishing/ Zavion Music SOCAN k.d. lang vocals