TITLE:  Vis a Vis Alt.  Ending - - The Sequel
PART: NEW 1 / 2

SUMMARY: After the events of the first alternative ending to Vis a Vis, Tom
describes what it's like to be unwillingly pregnant.  In order for this story
to make any sense, please read Vis a Vis Alternative Ending first.  I have
reposted the NC- 17 version.  An R version is on my web page.

DISCLAIMER: Paramount owns 'em.  The story is mine.  Copyright 1998.

WARNING: NC-17 is for language, adult situation of an unwanted event, and
explicit sex between Tom and Chakotay. Lots of Tom angst.  Comfort from
Chakotay.  There is an R rated version on my web page. The R stands for
"reneged on the sex"; the rest is the same.

Comments are welcome!  jlf@door.net.


ARCHIVE: ASC/ASCEM.  Just ask. Please leave all disclaimers and warnings


Okay, so I passed out when I heard the doctor tell me I was pregnant.  I
mean, technically, in this day and age, a guy could carry a fetus, but not
*this* guy.  And not only that, I didn't remember doing anything that would
have had this kind of result.  Pregnant!  Shouldn't I have some fond memory
of the process?

As I did my passing out dive off the biobed toward the floor, they told me
later that Chakotay had caught me.  Otherwise, I would have had a concussion
to go along with my queasy stomach.  It'd been scary, puking my guts out
every morning for days.  I'd just passed it off as some kind of readjustment
to getting my body back, first from that alien Steth, and then from the
Captain.  Yeah.  The Captain had been in my body.  That was beyond

I came to with the sting of a hypospray against my neck and the noises of a
lot of people shouting at the same time.  The holodoc was peering into my
face while ignoring the others in the background.

"Lt. Paris, you're awake.  Welcome back."

"It's not true," I whispered to him desperately.

Actual compassion appeared on his face.  "I'm afraid it is."

"No," I told him.  "No!"

"Easy, Lt.  I know you've had a shock --."

"-- Shock?  I've just had my whole life turned upside down!  That's . . . "

Before I could finish my thought, the Captain and Chakotay and B'Elanna . . .
oh, gods, B'Elanna was still there. . . circled around the biobed.  I felt
like some exotic specimen under the doc's microscope.  Maybe I came across a
bit belligerent, but, after all, the circumstances were upsetting.  "What are
you all staring at?!"

The Captain spoke first.  "Tom.  I'm so sorry."

"So am I," I gritted out before I thought about who I was speaking to.
Chakotay gave me a nasty frown.  "Sorry," I apologized.

"No need for apologies, Tom," she reassured me.

I looked to the doctor for answers.  "How?"

"That's what we've been discussing," he informed me and glanced around at the

For the first time, I really looked at my superior offices and at the woman I
loved. Well, write off the woman I loved.  She looked so pissed I thought
she was going to haul me off the biobed and perform a beheading without
benefit of anesthesia. Then, for good measure, she'd throw me into the warp
core.  And Janeway and Chakotay . . . I was baffled by their expressions.  I
could have sworn I saw guilty looks exchanged between them.  Had they . . . ?
 My body finished that thought for me as I began to gag.  Gods, no!


The doc must have hyposprayed me before I had a chance to damage myself or
them.  Next thing I knew, I woke up in my own bed, the room lights dimmed to
near minimum.  It was quiet and I thought maybe the nightmare had passed.
But the nauseous feeling in my stomach hadn't gone away.  In fact, an upward
expulsion of whatever might be left of earlier meals threatened momentarily.

"Need some help?"  It was Harry, speaking softly and gently from across the
room.  "Computer.  Increase illumination by 50%.  Hi, Tom."

"Harry?"  He'd been resting on my couch and now came over toward me.  "I
guess I don't need to ask you if you've heard."

"I'm sorry, Tom."  That seemed to be everyone's favorite line. He looked
about as awkward as a guy could who'd learned his best male friend was

I managed to sit up without increasing the nausea.  But a trip to the
bathroom seemed like a good idea.  Hanging about on first one foot and then
the other, Harry just watched me lurch over there.  He wrung his hands as if
wanting to help but clueless about what to do.

Good.  The toilet was in its accustomed place and I just cossied up to it and
embraced it like a lover.  Unfortunately, I didn't treat it like lover when I
heaved into it.

Harry came to the door as I was rinsing my mouth.  Without a word, he gave me
a hand up and a wet cloth for my face. I guess he deemed me clean enough
when he put a gentle hand to my back and propelled me toward the couch.  "Do
you want anything?"

"Let's see, how about my life back?" Harry didn't even twitch a smile at my
weak effort as I sat down wearily, clutching the cloth in my hand.  "Why are
you here?"

"Doc thought someone should stay with you.  Be here when you woke up."

Harry replicated some crackers and tea for me and brought them over.  "I know
you didn't ask for this, but I thought it might help."

Straddling a chair opposite me, he watched while I nibbled a cracker and
sipped some tea.  "Thanks."  I thought about my situation.  "Does anyone know
how this happened?"

Harry blushed.

"That bad, huh?"


Oh, great.  "So what's the deal?"

"The doctor isolated a pheromone that the alien gave off whenever he entered
or left a person.  It caused a lot of . . . a lot of . . . well, sex to

I shuddered.  "This wasn't an immaculate conception?"

Harry laughed and I joined in. "No, Tom.  Even you can't make that one fly.
But . . . when . . . you'll, uh, have to talk to B'Elanna about her
experience with you when you were occupied by Steth."

"I could do that."  I wasn't sure if I would survive the experience, but I
could try.  "Was that how . . . ?"

"No.  Look, Tom, the Captain wants to explain it to you."

"Oh, gods.  So it happened while the Captain was in my body?"

He squirmed and I could tell that my earlier suspicions about her and
Chakotay were correct.

"Let her talk to you.  Would that be okay, Tom?"


"I know you're angry," *no kidding* "but remember there were pheromones
involved.  She didn't plan for this to happen."

"I just don't understand, Harry, I mean if she and Chakotay got it on while
she was in my body, that shouldn't make me pregnant.  Should it?"

His look was something between pity and embarrassment. He mumbled, "The
doctor thinks he can explain it."

"Great.  And then he can cure it."

"But . . ."  Uh-oh, Harry didn't like what I'd just said.

"What?"  My hostile tone had its desired effect and he backed off.

"Let me call the Captain."


Okay, so Harry wasn't going to be all that supportive unless I did something
really crazy like stay pregnant.  I needed more information and it looked as
if the Captain was it.

She and Harry briefly conversed and she would be at my quarters in a few
minutes.  For the first time since I woke up, I paid attention to what I was
wearing: shorts and a vomit stained t-shirt.  Nope.  Not the kind of clothes
in which a lieutenant entertained a captain in his quarters.  "Harry, I need
something to wear."

In this area, Harry proved helpful.  He found me a pair of jeans and a clean
shirt while I brushed my teeth and showered and shaved.  Was it my
imagination or was my beard less than usual?  Probably my imagination.
Pregnancy hormones shouldn't have anything to do with beard growth, should
it?  Truth was, I hadn't paid much attention to my medical lessons on
pregnancy.  Voyager hadn't had that many.  But now seemed to be a good time
to review that material.  I was sort of amazed at my ignorance.


The door chimed as I finished buttoning my shirt.  Harry let her in.
Although he looked as if he wanted to bolt, I asked Harry to stay.  The
Captain also urged him to stay so the poor guy didn't have much of a choice.
We sat around my table and I kept the tea and crackers by my hand.  After
being offered and declining refreshment, the Captain looked me straight in
the eye.

"This is all my fault," she told me.

"With all due respect, wasn't someone else involved?"

She flushed slightly.  "Well.  Yes.  We both were . . . we both . . .that is
to say. . ."

"You don't have to draw me a picture," I said, trying to let her off the
hook.  "I mean, I know you and Chakotay are in a relationship."

"Yes, we . . . " her voice trailed off as she looked at me with a confused
expression on her face.  "What happened, happened.  The doctor says, I . . .
that is, your body . . . this is confusing . . . your body was giving off
pheromones which affected both myself and Chakotay."  She sighed.  "It was
your body, but I was in it.  Except it's more complicated than that.  It was
my body."

"Huh?" Not my most intelligent question, but I was really not following what
she was saying.

"The doctor says that Steth changed the body he was in to look like you as he
mimicked your DNA.  So, my body took on your form when he took on my form.
Although I looked and appeared as you, I was still me. I just didn't look

I tried to figure out what she was saying and she was good enough to repeat
it for me.  It seemed as if she and Chakotay could have what felt like
male-male sex, but even though her body looked like mine, it still was really
hers, not mine.  "So, when you and the Commander . . . " out of respect I
didn't say what I was thinking, hell, they fucked.  "Um, when that happened,
his sperm found an ovulating egg?"

"Yes.  Apparently, Steth had the ability to sabotage biological systems at
all levels, including contraceptive systems.  When the doctor beamed out all
the DNA from me that wasn't me and put it in you, he assumed that it was all
your DNA.  But the fetus, of course, was not completely of my DNA, so it, and
its supportive structures were beamed into you."

"So, it's not mine?" I said hopefully about the first somewhat good news I'd

"It's a little more complicated than that, Tom."

"You'd like it back?"

She smiled without warmth.  "Nice try, Lt.  I don't think a pregnant captain
is going to work out while we're in the Delta Quadrant."

A terrible thought hit me.  "You said it's more complicated than that. Steth
. . . is it  . . . Oh, gods, no."

"No, Tom, there's no alien DNA.  According to the doctor, it's mine,
Chakotay's and . . . " she paused, "yours."

"Mine?"  I heard the squeak in my voice.  It sounded very far away.

Distantly, I heard Harry say, "Tom, are you all right?"

I ignored Harry.  "How?"

She reached across the table to place her hand on my forearm.  "My taking on
your form meant taking on your ah, sperm producing capabilities.  It's got
all three of our DNA."

This was really unfair.  I shook my head in disbelief and caught a glimpse of
Harry. He must have heard it all before me 'cause I didn't see the kind of
shock I thought I would see on his face.  But he must have seen something
when he'd looked at me.  "Captain, maybe Tom's heard enough for now."

Harry taking on the Captain?  I must look awfully bad.

The Captain nodded, as if she agreed with Harry, and said, "I know, Tom, it's
a lot to absorb.  I'm so sorry."  Yeah, she'd said that before.  "Is there
anything I can do to help you through this?"

Everybody seemed to think I was going to go through with this pregnancy.
"I'm going to ask the doctor to remove it."

She sighed again and looked disappointed, then covered up her reaction.
Harry didn't handle my declaration as skillfully, "Tom, don't," he said.
"You're upset. Give it time."

I stared at him.  "For at least a little while into the foreseeable future, I
think this is going to continue to be my body. And I think I can make a
decision about what's best for me."

"Of course you can, Tom," the Captain said smoothly.  "But promise me you'll
take some time to think about it.  You've just suffered a huge shock - -
emotionally and physically.  Make sure you make a decision you won't regret
one way or the other."

I backed down a little.  No need for truculence in front of the Captain.
"I'll see."

She could tell that I'd pretty much made up my mind but she didn't push it.
"Okay. If you decide to go through with it, we can talk later about . . .
well, about how all of us can help you . . . and . . . and the future."  She
gave me a little smile.  "I have the feeling you could use a few days off."

"Yes, ma'am, but if . . ."

"If you're needed, we'll make do.  We seem to be in a quiet area of the Delta
Quadrant."  She got up to leave and turned back to me at the door.  "I hope
you'll talk to B'Elanna and the doctor about all this."

"Sure, " I agreed.  I'm easy.  Didn't my condition show that?  An easy fuck,
that was our Tom.  "What . . . what about Chakotay?"

"He wasn't sure you'd want to talk to him.  He didn't want to put any
additional stress on you."

Since I wasn't sure I wanted to talk to him, I didn't say anything.  I could
tell the Captain was ready to leave, but I had another question.  I didn't
know how to say it, so I just blurted out my fears.  "Does everyone on the
ship know?"

"Just the senior staff."

Of course, in a few months everyone would know unless I did what I'd
threatened to do.  "I'd like to keep it that way."

She looked relieved, nodded, and left. I guess she was embarrassed too.  It
wasn't as if we were advanced lizards procreating on some planet.  We were
human and . . . and procreating.  Shit.  "Shit."

Harry gave me that 'Oh, Tom, language' look and I wanted to shock him with
even more colorful words but held back.  This was the guy who'd stayed with
me so I wouldn't have to wake up alone.  I should be nice.  Instead, I felt
like throwing things.  I felt as if I could dismember a full Klingon warrior
in the midst of an honor match, that is, if I actually had any strength.
Unfortunately, all the throwing up I'd done left me barely able to hold up
the mug of tea without my hand trembling.  At least I was no longer nauseous.
 "Harry, you can go now."

"Can I get you anything?"

I needed answers from the doc and from the medical data base.  "Thanks,
Harry, but I'm not an invalid."

"Didn't say you were."

No, he hadn't.  "Sorry.  Guess I'm a little sensitive here."

There was something growing inside me, less than the size of my fingernail,
and it was creating havoc with my well being and with my relationships, and,
as I came to realize, with my emotional equilibrium.  Without warning, my
eyes filled with hot tears, and before I could stop them, sobs wrenched out
of me.

Harry moved over and held my head against his shoulder all the while patting
my back and soothing me with his words.  "It's all right, Tom, it'll be all
right. Easy now."

The uncontrolled emotion finally abated and I pulled back, wiping my face and
eyes and mumbling apologies.  Now I felt downright sheepish.

Harry tried to smooth it over. "Hey, you're going through a lot right now."
I gave him a weak grin.  Yeah. I'd kind of figured that out.  "Tom, you want
me to call the doc?"

"If you do, I'll never hear the end of it."

We both grinned at my feeble attempt at humor. Harry suggested that I could
probably use some real food.  He even offered me replicated food at his
expense.  I knew I must really seem badly off for him to offer up his
replicator rations.  In fact, I felt very tired and somewhat chilled.
"Harry, I think I need a nap."

"Sure, no problem," Harry said, picking up a PADD as if he meant to stay.

"Harry.  It'd be all right if I were alone for awhile. I'm not going to fall
out of bed or anything."

He looked concerned, but neither relieved nor hurt, so I guess my words had
walked the fine line between need and rejection.  He hovered over me as I
made my way to bed.  With a pat on my shoulder, he left and I lay down and
almost instantly fell into a troubled sleep.


In my dreams I was the joke of Voyager, the guy who got pregnant without even
knowing it.  I heard the voices of the crew calling out my name and laughing.
 When I reeled awake, I could feel hot tears on my cheeks.  Enough of this, I
thought.  I cleaned up and asked the computer for the location of B'Elanna.
"In engineering," came back the predictable reply.

I used my comm badge to contact her, hoping we'd have some time to talk.
After the way I'd ignored her for so long and now had sprung an unexpected
pregnancy on her, I wasn't surprised when she told me she was too busy just
then.  She did say she'd meet me in a few hours when she thought she'd be

I wandered around my quarters for a bit, trying to figure out why they seemed
so strange.  Maybe it was just me that had changed since I'd last been here.
Some of the restlessness I was experiencing I figured could be blamed on not
getting what I wanted when I wanted it.  I needed to talk to B'Elanna, had
been thwarted in that goal, and now wasn't sure what I would do.  'Grow up,
Paris', I told myself.

I sat down by the computer and accessed the medical data base on pregnancy.
There was tons of information, diagrams, pictures in three dimensions, and
more information than I could process. I started with conception and
couldn't quite place what happened to me in the various ways conception could
take place.  On to hormonal changes in the pregnant mother.  Where was the
information on the pregnant father?  Ah, a few instructions to the computer
and I was faced with two paragraphs of text and one diagram, a drawing
suitable for curious children. According to the diagram, men who were
pregnant had no external genitalia.  Nice womb, though.

The paragraphs were not too helpful.  Such pregnancies were considered
experimental when the computer had received its information.  I hit the high
points: Consultation with a Federation medical specialist was recommended.
Delivery was by Caesarian.  Regular infusions of hormones and hormone
stimulating drugs were mandatory.  Several drugs were mentioned and I asked
for information about them.  For a long time the computer was silent.
Eventually it told me that I could access formulas, side effects, effective
dosages, schedules of delivery during the course of pregnancy and a few other
items that I needed to learn more about.

I read about the side effects first.  Uh-oh.  If I thought nausea was bad,
there were a few worse symptoms in store: mood swings (yeah, I'd already had
one of those when I'd cried on Harry's shoulder; I shuddered to think what
would happen if one of those mood swings hit while I was on duty on the
bridge); weight gain, fluid retention and swelling, high blood pressure, and
intestinal upset.  And those were just the side effects of the drugs, not the
side effects of the pregnancy itself, many of which were similar.  One thing
was very clear: even when I wasn't on duty in sickbay, I was going to be
seeing an awful lot of the doctor.

I didn't know if  I actually wanted to know about fetal development.  Better
to think of it as a fingernail.  Okay, I know that sounds really cold, but I
just didn't want to personalize it, that would only make things harder in
getting rid of it.

At the end of my studies, I stretched, realized I was actually hungry and
replicated a sandwich. When I checked the status of my replicator rations I
was shocked to discover I had four times as many as I thought I had.  Had
Steth . . . ?  No, it had to be Chakotay.  I asked the computer and she
confirmed it.  Hm-m, he must believe I needed to eat for two, or four, or
whatever.  Although he'd respected my privacy by not trying to see me, he'd
sure been decent about the rations.  I enjoyed the sandwich and thought about
leaving my quarters to go to sickbay.  I had a lot of questions still for the


The doctor actually seemed pleased to see me, a first as far as I could
remember.  Must do this pregnancy thing more often.  "Doc, I've been doing
some research on my . . . um . . . you know."

"Pregnancy, Lt."


"Try getting used to it, it's going to be with you for awhile."

"Well, that's one of the things I wanted to talk to you about. Can't we end

He ushered me into his office and we sat in chairs opposite each other.  He
seemed to prefer staring at me to talking to me.

"What?" I asked.

"The answer to your question is yes, we can terminate the pregnancy."

"Will it hurt?"

"Not much."

"But . . . ?"

"But, let me see.  Where to begin.  At this stage, it's a simple procedure
with few physical side effects."

"Such as?"

"You are carrying a unique fetus with the possibility of unique biochemical
reactions in your body.  Terminating it may provoke unknown biochemical

"They're correctable?"

"No doubt."

"What else?"

"There may be emotional reactions . . . " he held up a hand to forestall my
next question ". . . that you should talk over with those closest to you."

"Okay."  Who would that be?  Now to be fair, I felt I should ask about the
other side of it.  "What can I expect if I go through with this?"

He gave me much the same information that the computer had.  Funniest thing
about that.  Where did the holographic doctor obtain his information?

"What about this experimental thing?  Men being pregnant."

Yes, it was experimental.  Great time to find out I was an experiment. And
given the nature of the DNA in the fetus, I was more experimental than usual.
 According to the doctor, I could expect possibly more exaggerated symptoms
than might be usual because my body might be working hard to reject its
unknown DNA.  The doctor thought he could counteract that with additional
immune suppression drugs.  He finished up by saying, "Lt., you should know
that if you decide to continue with this pregnancy, you might not actually
carry it to term."

"I could lose it?"  That hadn't occurred to me.

"Yes."  His face softened, "There are no guarantees, Tom."


Well, he'd given me a lot to think about and it was almost time to meet
B'Elanna.  So I left for her quarters, pretty damn troubled by all I was
learning.  There was a question that I couldn't answer: Had I felt hopeful or
sad when the doctor indicated that I might not stay pregnant if I let nature,
or whatever the hell this was, take its own course?

Part 2

So much had changed between B'Elanna and myself since Steth came aboard that
I was pretty damn skittish when she told me to enter her cabin.

"Hey," I said and tried to smile.  I think it must have looked awfully weak.
"How are you?"

She was sitting on her couch, legs drawn up under her, an afghan in real
danger of becoming unraveled in her tight fingers.  Not good, I thought as
she motioned me to the other end of the couch.

As I sat down, I felt as if I was encountering a total stranger.  She still
hadn't said anything and her expression was as bleak as any I'd seen on her
face.  "B'Elanna?"

One hand dropped the edge of the abused afghan and made a
hold-it-Tom-and-wait motion toward me. I simply couldn't read her so I sat
back.  But my own inability to sit still for long itched at me like a
murderous spider bite and I had to forcefully still the twitching that wanted
to begin in my fingers, my legs, anything.

"Tom," she said neutrally.  Neutral was good, I told myself.  "Tom, I'm sorry
this happened to you." Then her voice and expression changed and it was no
longer neutral but deadly angry.  "And I'm sorry that Steth ever came on this

She looked fierce and her mouth trembled a little before she clamped her lips
tight. I recalled something Harry had said about Steth and B'Elanna.  Maybe
something more terrible than my own situation had happened.  "What . . .?
B'Elanna, what happened?"

"Don't you know?"

I shook my head.  "When Steth took over my body, my consciousness was in his
old body on the way to who knew where. Please tell me?  Did he hurt you?"

Her words came out in a hot rush of invective. "That fucking alien pretended
he was you.  And he acted so *charming* and I never had a clue.  I fell for
it, Tom, I couldn't tell that the slimy bastard wasn't you."

As quietly as I could, I asked, "What did he do?"

"*We* made love.  Can you believe that?"  Sure, look what Janeway and
Chakotay had done.

"Are you . . . I mean did he make you . . . ?"

"Pregnant?" she spat out.  "Thank Kahless, no. But that doesn't mean I don't
hate him.  He humiliated me!  He tricked me so that I would have sex with

Now it was my turn and I meant every word, "I'm so sorry, B'Elanna.  I am."
I wanted to scoop her into my arms and murmur in her ear and ruffle her hair
but her furious look kept me away.  I burned with the need to pound Steth
into his component molecules for what he'd down to her. "Can I . . . ? What
can I do to help you?"

Tears flooded her eyes but she kept her gaze on me.  Now her voice had turned
into almost a whisper. "Stay out of my way.  I don't want to look at you.  I
can't look at you without remembering how humiliated I was by Steth.  And
it's not just what he physically did to me."

I couldn't speak for a moment. Had I heard her right? She couldn't look at
me because of him?  Oh, gods.  I must have moaned or something because she
almost reached out her hand to me, but then let the hand drop down  in favor
of that damn afghan.  "What?"

Not my most articulate question, but I was virtually speechless.  She snarled
back at me.  "What do you mean 'what'?"

"Um. . . you . . . you don't want to see me anymore?"  I guess I choked up
pretty good because her face got all blurry and my own face felt kind of wet.

"What part of that don't you understand?"

"I . . . I . . . " I shrugged helplessly.  "I love you.  I need you."

She ducked her head and mumbled something I didn't hear, then she looked back
at me. The emotion in her voice was gone, instead, it sounded cold and
lifeless, "I have to have some time, Tom."

"Oh."  I was numb.  I wasn't sure I still had arms and legs, and if I did, I
wasn't sure they were still attached to my body.  Somehow I made it to my
feet and stumbled over to the door.

Before I could leave, she called my name.  Now I saw her anguish and I wanted
so much to rush back to her and to take her in my arms.  My unwelcome arms.
"Tom.  It's also about what he did to you, making you pregnant.  I look at
you and I see that too. . .  that he violated both of us.  It hurts too much
right now to look at you."

I swallowed hard over the tears that filled my throat and fled her quarters.
Blindly, I made my way to my own room. Somehow, I didn't want to enter, it
seemed as if I would be entering my own coffin.  Without going inside, I
turned and found my way to the observation lounge.  Fortunately, it was

Why hadn't she told me earlier?  We'd had a heart to heart talk about my
isolating myself from her, and she hadn't said anything about Steth taking
advantage of her.  But as I replayed the conversation of a few days earlier,
I realized that she hadn't known until she'd said something then about my
swinging a golf club in her quarters.  I hadn't remembered doing that and
said so.  At the time, it didn't seem important.  Just a misunderstanding.
Now I realized why I didn't remember the event.  I hadn't been there.  Steth
had.  She must have pieced it together over the next few days. Maybe it was
something she could live with then, but finding out that I was pregnant due
to Steth must have reminded her, maybe pushed her over the edge.  I didn't
know, I was trying on thoughts just to see if I could make sense of the
nonsensical.  It hurt so much I didn't think I could bear it.  So I grasped
at the tiniest of hopes.

She'd said she needed time.  How much time?  Oh, gods, I loved her and she
was pushing me away just when she needed someone who loved her.  And it
wasn't as if I didn't deserve the treatment.  If only I'd been more willing
to tell her that I knew about the letter . . . If only she could see me and
not Steth when she looked at me. . . Oh, fuck it all!

My misery party was interrupted by a soft male voice, "Tom."

I knew who it was without taking my eyes off the stars streaming by at warp
speed out the view window.  "Go away," I said to his reflection in the

"B'Elanna told me you could maybe use a friend about now."

Once again, Chakotay spoke softly to me.  Begrudging the movement, I turned
to look at him.  No uniform, just rumpled old pants and a dark shirt.  At
first I wanted to be left alone and I almost snapped at him, but his whole
body exuded warmth and comfort and gods, knew, I could use some of that.  His
words about needing a friend triggered a flood in me and I began to cry.  He
gathered me in his arms and held me against his wide shoulders as I tried to
explain why I was so upset, "she . . . .she doesn't want. . . she can't . .

"I know," he murmured into my hair soothingly, "I know.  It's all right, Tom,
it's going to be all right."

Nice words but I didn't think so and I cried some more.  At the moment it
didn't occur to me to be upset that it was Chakotay whose shoulder I was
crying on.  I didn't care.  It felt so good that someone would hold me and
try to reassure me when I felt as if my whole world had collapsed.  Steady as
a redwood, he didn't let go until all that was left were a few sniffles and a
bad hair day.  He replicated some tissue and a cold, wet cloth and let me use
them to clean up.

Gratefully, I held the cloth to my swollen and painful eyes.  I moved the
coolness of the cloth across my forehead and around to my neck.  He simply
got me another one when the first one seemed to have outlived its usefulness.

The crying jag over, he disposed of the wet tissues and cloths and sat beside
me, close but not touching.  "I guess you do need a friend," he said with a
rueful grin.

"I need the nearest airlock.  You'll finally have your wish.  No more Tom
Paris to taunt you."

"You don't taunt me, Tom," he replied seriously, taking my hand in his.

This felt really strange.  It wasn't as if he was coming on to me, I thought
that he operated still in his comforter role.  But I couldn't remember
receiving comfort from him before, nor could I recall having my hand held by
him.  I pulled back and he didn't act as if it was any big deal.  Okay, I
breathed a little easier.  He really did just want to comfort me.  And I
guess he was succeeding.  The dark despair that had sent me sobbing into his
arms had lifted.  But I couldn't define what I felt other than strange and
terribly, blackly empty.  In emptiness there was no place for despair . . .
or love.

"Can you talk about it?" he asked me.

"Which *it*?  The thing growing inside me?  The fact that my girlfriend can't
stand the sight of me? I'm not having a real good day here."  My voice
sounded clogged, as if I had a bad head cold.

"I know and so much of it is my fault. I was in charge of the ship when
Kathryn was in your body.  I was responsible for what happened, taking her to
my cabin when I was on duty. . . I . . ." he shook his head.  "The doctor
says it was pheromones.  I don't know."

Something about the way he said those last three words caught my attention.

I looked into troubled brown eyes, as dark as the emptiness inside my soul.
He seemed to struggle with his thoughts, his words.  Finally, he flipped his
hand as if giving up or giving in to something.  "Tom. Do you want the

"Is it going to make me cry?" I parried, trying to act the smartass since the
alternative, victim role, was too painful.

"Depends," he said and a ghost of dimples shimmered briefly as he smiled at
me.  There was some kind of look in his eyes that seemed to be devouring me,
splotchy faced, red eyed, and disheveled all the way around.  "Tom.  Here's
the thing. . . "

With that build-up, he just stopped.  For some reason he was having a really
hard time with whatever it was he was trying to say.  "So.  It is going to
make me cry."

My faint attempt at humor drew a genuine smile and I took heart.  Maybe it
would be all right.  He placed his arm on the back of the couch, the fingers
not quite touching my shoulder.  I didn't flinch away but wondered what was
going on behind that tattooed head of his.  He sighed and spoke again. "I
want to take care of you through all of this. . . the baby, everything."

I truly didn't understand.  Had I missed more of my life than I'd thought
when Steth ruled?  "What?"

I guess I sounded incredulous.  "Don't laugh," he pleaded.  "I'm serious."

"But . . . why?"

"I've talked to Kathryn and we've agreed not to see each other any more . . .
romantically.  We'll always be friends."

"Let me get this straight: you broke up with her over this?  I don't . . . "

"No.  She broke up with me."

"Chakotay?  What the hell's going on?  B'Elanna breaks up with me, the
Captain breaks up with you?  And how come you're not bawling your eyes out?"

"Who says I haven't?  Steth seems to have been a catalyst for a lot of
things.  The Captain is very good at reading people, me in particular. She
sensed something . . . and she confronted me about it. Kathryn was right."

Now I was thoroughly confused.  "Right about what?"

"That I want to be there for you."

I didn't see it coming and it just about knocked me out of my seat.  My mouth
was almost too dry to form words.  "I . . . "

"Tom.  I'm just saying that you are carrying a baby that is Kathryn's and
mine and yours.  You didn't ask for this, in fact, if asked, I suspect you
would have passed on this particular opportunity."  No shit.  "I want to be a
part of helping you through something that I'm partly, no largely,
responsible for.  You're the innocent party here and maybe I can help. I
need to help."

Once the powers of speech returned, and I had a glass of water in hand thanks
to Chakotay, I fell back on old patterns.  "I thought you hated me."  Might
as well get it all out in the open.

He nodded.  "Once I did.  I haven't hated you for a long time. I've come to
admire and respect you."

Nice to know that now. Good gods, what was I going to do with a concerned
first officer? "Oh."  I remembered something. "Thanks for the extra
replicator rations."

"You're welcome."

"What do you . . . I mean . . . how do you envisage helping me?  Replicator
credits?  Things like that?"

"Whatever you need.  The doctor says you're going to go through some pretty
severe mood swings.  With what just happened with B'Elanna, her not wanting
to see you again,  I don't want to find you going out of some airlock. And
I'm serious about that."

"Okay," I joked, "no airlocks."


"I'll be serious."  Hell, if I couldn't joke I might start to cry again.
"Chakotay.  All of this may not be necessary.  I've talked to the doctor
about the possibility of terminating this pregnancy."

For a spiritual man, I thought I would get an argument, at the very least a
moue of disappointment as I had seen on the Captain's face.  But, to his
credit, his fingers gripped my shoulder and squeezed in a show of acceptance.
 "Tom. This is your decision. Whatever you decide you're still going to
need someone to be there for you."

I thought about Harry who had balked at my thoughts of termination.  Harry
was still my best friend but he couldn't, hadn't, shown the same
unconditional regard for my well being as Chakotay just had.  The Commander's
interest for me and my needs reached something inside me that almost broke at
the touch of another's concern.  I put my hand on top of his as it still
kneaded my shoulder.  "Thanks. I think I'm gonna cry again."

"As much as you need to, Tom.  I'm not going anywhere."

I studied his face, his eyes like chocolate kisses.  There was no deceit
there, no judgment, just concern for me.  I managed to swallow hard and hold
back on the betrayal of tears.


He walked me back to my cabin and it didn't seem so coffin-like anymore.  And
I didn't feel quite so alone.  At the door he asked if I would be all right
and I told him that I would and I thanked him again.  I didn't know how to
say it so that he knew that I meant it, but when I struggled to put the
thoughts into words, he just grinned and said, "I know, Tom.  I know."

I guess whatever crisis I'd been experiencing went on by and joined the
graveyard of other crises I'd faced in my life.  The changed dynamics of
relationships on Voyager were a source of amazement to me.  The Captain and
Chakotay acted as if they were good friends, but they no longer flirted with
each other.  B'Elanna and I avoided each other but no scenes broke out if we
shared a turbolift or a shift in the mess hall at the same time.  I ached for
her loss, but it was entirely out of my control and I knew that I couldn't
push her or the only slightly uneasy meetings would become a whole lot more

Harry made himself useful.  In addition to helping B'Elanna by being
available for her, he hovered around me.  Gods, he was nervous about me and
about what decisions I'd make, and just generally all around awkward about
the whole thing.  The really easy friendship we'd had kind of crumbled under
the weight of my situation.  But he didn't go away and he didn't try to feel
something he didn't, so I could at least rely on him for the kind of
unfazed-by-reality cheerfulness that he'd always had.  And he kept me
up-to-date on how B'Elanna was doing but gave me no cause for hope in that

The Captain would smile encouragingly at me when she saw me and I saw the
questions behind her eyes.  I wasn't the one she wanted answers from, that
fell to Chakotay, who couldn't or wouldn't provide them.

And then there was Chakotay.  He made time for me, acted as if he genuinely
cared about my well being, and all in this totally nonthreatening way. If
he'd come on to me hard or pushed me or whatever, I'd have bolted.  But he
was just this steady, unwavering presence in my life.  He actually seemed to
like me and to care about being around me.  I came to rely on that presence
after shift, during breaks, during whatever free time we had that coincided.
He never made me feel bad about myself.  Okay, I did feel a little badly
about all the times I'd had a chip on my shoulder about him, but that was
over with now.

No.  I didn't terminate the pregnancy. I figured there was always tomorrow
if I felt I needed to do it.

The fact that I could make that decision was a comfort to me as was
Chakotay's support for me.  How to explain what I did? For a guy who had
rebelled all his life, the fact that I had a choice was reassuring and
strengthening. And I realized that, in this case, choice meant just that.  I
didn't have to do one thing or the other.  Maybe terminating it would have
been the right decision at some other time in my life or for some other
person.  But I thought about how unique the being was that I carried; an
unseen and unreplicable mixture of myself, Chakotay and the Captain.  And I
was unique.  No other guy on Voyager had carried a baby.  Instead of being
ashamed, I could feel proud of the sheer balls it took to go through with it.

And then there was the reason that was probably not so good.  I think for
awhile I felt B'Elanna's breakup with me meant that I was unlovable.  This
baby would love me.  Yeah, I know that's nuts. Eventually, with Chakotay's
help, I figured that out.  This baby was going to require so much from me now
and for my entire life that I realized I had to be the one to do the giving,
not it.  But for awhile, maybe that crazy thinking also kept me from taking
that step of making an appointment with the doctor.  The fear, the
embarrassment, the shock, had a chance to wear off.  So, somehow the tomorrow
that would necessitate the procedure just didn't happen.

It's been five months and I've felt it kick and my clothes no longer fit.  My
appearance is now distinctive enough that no one would mistake my pregnancy
for being overweight.  Of course, on a ship this size, everyone knew about it
within a week of the doctor's announcement to me.  But I felt okay.  The
morning sickness lasted about three weeks, the tiredness, where I just needed
to nap wherever and whenever it hit me, lasted for a few months more.  And
there was one awful moment on the bridge when I was flying and the ship
didn't respond properly. I kept thinking I was doing something wrong and
almost lost it in my frustration. I knew my face was turning red, and tears
of helplessness were gathering to assault my dignity.  Finally, Harry let me
know that the gel packs were at fault. When it was all over, I went to the
conference room and bawled my eyes out.  Chakotay came in and just held me
and patted my back with one hand and petted my hair with the other.

He commed the Captain and let her know both of us were going off duty. Then
he arranged for my replacement to stay on shift.  After all of that, he
walked with me back to my cabin.  At the door, I asked him to come in with
me.  All right, the place was not neat, an understatement, and I never should
have let him see it at its worst, but he'd actually seen me with snot coming
out of my nose and hadn't shown the slightest revulsion.  It just felt safe.
I walked in rubbing my lower back.  Although I wasn't very big yet and the
fetus weighed less than a pound, somehow my back ached anyway.

"You look like someone who could use a back rub," he offered.

"Would you?"  That was an offer I couldn't refuse!  I started pulling off
clothes so fast he began to laugh.  "What?" I asked as I was tented by my
shirt in the process of removing it.

"Slow down, Tom.  Let me replicate a large towel and some massage oil here."

While he did that, I stripped down to my shorts.  With a pillow under my
chest and another under my hips, I was able to lay face down on the towel
he'd put on my bed.

Oh, gods, it felt good.  His large hands warmed the oil and strong fingers
kneaded at the knots in my neck, shoulder, back, lower back, thighs, all the
way down to my toes.  I moaned and groaned so much you'd think we were having
sex.  At that thought, my cock sprang to attention under me and I shifted to
give it room.  I stiffened under Chakotay's hands as I realized he'd noticed
my new condition.

He leaned over and spoke very quietly, very huskily,  into my ear.  "Tom.  If
it's okay with you, I'd like to touch you all over.  I won't do anything you
don't want.  If anything starts to bother you, just tell me no or to stop.
I'll ask you about anything new.  Okay?"

I couldn't say the words, so I just nodded.  I wanted his touch very badly
and I wanted it everywhere.  My skin seemed to be on fire from those slick
fingers and heavy palms.  Still on my stomach, I put my head back down,
turned away from him.  I wasn't sure I could let him touch me if I saw him
looking at me. The last time I'd felt a man's touch, it hadn't been gentle
or loving.  Determinedly, I pushed the unwanted memories away. I wanted what
he was going to do, although I wasn't sure yet just how far I could let it
go.  Start with just touching, I told myself.  It doesn't have to go any
further.  Chakotay won't hurt me.

He had to work for a few minutes to unknot previously worked on muscles as
anxiety expressed itself despite my best wishes.  He didn't do anything new
for a long while and I just relaxed into the familiar rubbing.

As I moved under his hands, he began to rub closer to my ass.  Excited by his
touch, I shifted my hips invitingly.  As his forearms rested on my thighs,
his hands moved up under my shorts and began to knead my buttocks.  It felt
so good, I moaned from pleasure.  I wanted more.  But he removed his hands
and I made an inarticulate noise of protest.

Again, he leaned over my ear and told me what he wanted to do. "I'm going to
take these shorts down now.  Okay?"

I nodded mutely once more.

His fingertips were like lit matches as they reached under the elastic of the
waistband and began dragging the shorts down across my squirming butt and
then a short hitch as the cloth snagged on my erection.  Some hip lifts
later, he pulled them down my thighs and calves and off my ankles.  I have no
idea where they went after that.  I shivered now that I was naked under his
gaze and his hands.  I heard his breath exhale and then murmured words, "You
are so beautiful."

Not even a wisecrack surfaced from me to interfere with the pleasure I
enjoyed under his touch.  His powerful hands massaged my bottom in a hypnotic
rhythm.  When thumbs pressed my ass cheeks away from each other, I moved my
legs further apart.  I wanted to feel more and more of his fingers around me
and in me and I advanced the cause by making small circles with my hips and
thrusting my legs wider and wider away from each other.  My first word to him
since this began came out in a strangled plea, "Please."

His whispered words sang of the future I wanted to feel.  "Do you want my
fingers inside you?"

"Please," I whimpered, "please."

Oh, gods, the jolts of pleasure from his fingers as they played on me were
beyond description.  His oil warmed finger trailed around and around the rim
of my anus.  At some point, one finger slipped inside so slowly I barely
registered the transition until my muscles started to clamp around it. I
groaned nonstop as he massaged inside with the same expertise he'd shown
outside.  When he pulled out my disappointment produced a loud wail.

"It's okay, Tom, I want to put my tongue on you and in you.  Will you let me?"

I nodded several times, breathing heavily, almost panting with anticipation.
I felt the air from his nose exhale on my heat sensitized bare skin as he
slowly bent his head over my backside, a large hand pulling at each leg to
open me to him more and more.  I squirmed from desire, I wanted his touch so
badly, finger, mouth, whatever.  I jolted when I finally felt his tongue
wetting my opening and I thrust my hips up to bring him closer to that well
of desire.  He used the tip of his tongue to rim around and around much as
his finger had done earlier and I arched up into it again and again.  I
moaned in pleasure when he finally slid it inside and I felt it swirling over
puckered edges and roughened muscles.  Oh, gods, oh gods, I thought as
sensation after sensation overwhelmed everything.  I cried out when he pulled
out.  But he rapidly slid two fingers inside me in place of his tongue and I
rolled my hips at the incredible pleasure of it all.

Long forgotten muscle memory kicked in and I felt all those interior muscles
in my rectum relax and open to his touch.  He had no trouble adding a third
finger to play and stretch and massage inside me.  Each time he hit the
sensitive spot, I bucked and moaned.  A living cone of all five vibrating
fingers stretched me so loose that when he pulled out of me, my anus remained
flared open, trembling for the next invasion.  I felt the cool air of the
cabin swirl over and around and inside the heated, tender skin.  I was ready
and I wanted him, all of him, inside me.  "Please," I begged, then stopped
cold as I thought of the baby with the only on-line brain cell left
functioning in my stupid head.

He must have seen the fear and in a voice as hoarse with arousal as mine,
said, "The doctor says this is okay at least for a couple of months yet."
Good, good.  Hurry.  "Will you let me be inside you, Tom?"

"Now!" I urged, almost sobbing.  "Oh, gods, now."

As I lay tingling all over, my anal and sphincter muscles repeatedly
contracted and widened, and my hips invited his invasion with rhythmic
motions of their own.  He surprised me by rolling me over onto my back,
pulling pillows in place to support my hips.  My knees fell open and I willed
them to lay almost flat, albeit quivering, against the bed so that he could
have all of me available to his sight and to his pleasure.  I'd gone past my
initial shyness and gazed from slanted eyes at us.  My cock bobbed against my
swollen abdomen, my balls contracted, and my asshole opened to him as I
responded to dizzy love I saw on his face.  I heard him groan, matching some
of my own in throatiness and intensity.

At first, he looked down at me shaking his head as if he couldn't get over
what was before him.  I saw that somehow in the time we'd been in the
bedroom, he'd managed to shuck his clothes.  Now, he loomed over me in
bronzed beauty and glistening lust.  His erection was so coated with oil that
it looked like an exotic, muscular flower kissed by dew drops and weeping in
the sunshine.  I wanted him so badly that I began to pull at his waist.
"Easy, Tom.  I'm just drinking you in, you are so beautiful I can't believe

"Now," I pleaded with the only word I remembered how to say.  "Now."

He leaned down and kissed me on my lips and I tasted a little of myself as he
thrust his tongue inside my mouth.  I pulled hard on his lips and tongue and
hoped he'd put his cock inside of me now.  His hands rubbed up and down the
inside of my thighs, fingers reaching to tease my tormented and impatient
crack. He used his hands to lift my legs onto his shoulders and then he
placed the tip of his cock against my fevered opening and slowly, at long
last, pushed inside.  My eyes closed as I shuddered first from the burning,
then from the filled sensations in my ass, the muscles trying to first expel,
then welcome the hot invader.

I panted in time as I felt him push in and then move out, push in and then
move out.  I was almost sobbing as his hand reached for my cock and gripped
it snugly and firmly.  He thrust deeply until I knew he could penetrate no
further.  I had all of him inside me now.  Then he pulled almost all the way
out to his tip and I sobbed audibly at this terrible loss.  Finally, he
pushed inward again and I widened and accommodated and stretched and
contracted and could feel only white hot sensation with his now pulsing
thrusts.  Those pulses went drumming inside me and in my own cock as he
grasped it in a rhythm that went on and on until I burst and screamed.

I sprayed cum all over his hand, my chest, the sex heated air, as my internal
muscles spasmed in a sympathetic counterpart to the wild release of my cock.
Chakotay let out a cry of his own and I felt his orgasm explode inside me as
he filled me with both his pulsating cock and his hot cum.  Spent, he fell
off to my side, a protective hand on my abdomen as his softened cock oozed
its way out of me.  We lay together in an effortless afterglow of dreamy

"Oh, Spirits, Tom.

I was almost too spent to reply, but a few words returned to my vocabulary
and I managed to say, "Great backrub."

He laughed and it was the last think I heard as I dove into a joy filled

And now, in the second trimester  (yeah, I'd learned the lingo), I felt
renewed energy.  The mood swings were still there, the swelling in my ankles
got so bad at times I had to leave the bridge and put my feet up in the
conference room.  Regulation boots were a thing of the past when Chakotay had
to cut them off my feet one day after my shift.

Part 3

Sometimes my back hurt and gods, how my self-image suffered when I looked at
my silhouette in the mirror.  That sure taught me not to rely on my looks or
boyish charm, such as it was.  But all in all, I was doing all right.
Chakotay's "backrubs" became a regular and much anticipated and enjoyed
addition to my life.

I was even beginning to refer to it as a baby. A long time had passed since
I'd even thought of it as a fingernail.  The doctor told us it was a boy and
all three of us, Kathryn, Chakotay, and I, held name the baby sessions.
Since we had plenty of time, we hadn't really settled on any names.  Then
came Mulxmulto Three.

Planet three was a beautiful class M globe of blue waters and green and brown
continents and fluffy white clouds.  A true reminder of Earth. For some
reason, it was uninhabited, but the Mulxmultoans on the fourth and fifth
planets gave us permission to use it for shore leave.  Apparently, it was
used similarly by them in its undeveloped state.  There were no towns, no
settlements, no signs of civilization, just indigenous plants, animals,
insects, and the like, along with white sand beaches and towering snow-capped
mountains.  They told us to leave no sign of our passage on the planet when
we left their system and the Captain promised them that we would abide very
carefully by their rules.

In order to check things out, Tuvok chose Chakotay and Harry to beam down
with a larger security team.  From the conn, my eyes pleaded with Chakotay to
be allowed to go with them and he spoke softly to the security chief.  With a
dimpled smile, he motioned for me to join them.  I felt like a kid let out of
school.  I hadn't been off the ship since . . . well, since Steth.

Tuvok said he wanted to inspect one of several seemingly shielded areas on
the planet, this one  in the foothills of the eastern mountains on the
largest continent.  He and the security team beamed down but the doctor
hadn't okayed me for a transporter so Chakotay, Harry and I flew down in the
shuttle.  We rendezvoused with Tuvok's team and fanned out in groups of
three, Chakotay heading up the group with me and Harry.  None of us expected

I don't know what happened.  One minute I was walking through a forest of
pine- like trees enjoying the smells of the forest, the sounds of the birds
chirping in the limbs above me, and the sightings of small animals.  Neither
birds nor animals seemed afraid of us. I stopped for a moment to look at a
rainbow of a bird with red, blue, yellow, and green colorings. It flew a
short way to a branch on the next tree and seemed to look back at me as if
wondering why I wasn't following.  So, I called to Chakotay and Harry very
softly and pointed to the bird.  I stepped further into the forest to follow
it and everything changed.


I was really lost.  I was going to get it when I got home.  It was almost
dark out.  And it was kind of cold.

I looked down at myself, dropping the heavy metal thing that had been in my
hand.  My clothes were sort of puddled at my feet.  I looked around. Good.
No one could see that I didn't have any clothes on.  Oh, were they going to
be mad when I got back.  When I moved, my feet came out of my shoes and
socks. The ground seemed really close, my feet really small.  My hands
looked very small too, as I pulled up a shirt and wrapped it around me.  It
was way too big to put on.  It went from my shoulders to my feet.  Like a . .
. this was so bad . . . like a dress.  Boys did not wear dresses.

My father was going to kill me.

I was only five years old and I wanted a grown-up, even my father.  Right
now.  But nobody was there.  I did the only thing I could do.  I put my thumb
in my mouth and I cried.

Not the end!!!