Tom stripped his uniform off, and stepped into the sonic shower.  His
mind wandered back to the planet.  He remembered stopping by the river
deciding it was a good place to die, and besides, he didn't think he
could go any farther.  He collapsed, as his grief overwhelmed him.  He
had cried like a baby for himself, for Chakotay, for Voyager, for
everything.  Then, exhausted, weak and numb, he lay down on the soft
grass and slept.

Then he had had a dream.  He was sitting in a glen and she had walked
into it.

"I will never understand you people," she had said, as she sat down a
little way away from him.  "You're in pain, you hurt yourself, and then
you go off to die somewhere instead of doing what needs to be done."

He hadn't bothered to answer her.  He had just stared at her eyes.  The
red was the strangest thing he had ever seen.

"He's looking for you, you know?"

"Who?"

"The one you love, Chakotay."

And thus began his first spirit walk.  Tom smiled as he climbed out of
the shower and went to his bedroom to dress.  Man, he had to get this
area cleaned up.  He found a clean uniform and started to put it on.

Rahea had shown him things that had hurt at first.  She had taken him
back through Caldik Prime, but how she had done it was different than
his own self damning thoughts.  He had made a mistake, but then she had
showed him how it wouldn't have made a difference, even if he hadn't
been hot shotting around.  His father had realized it, too.

His father.  That had been a can of worms.  When Voyager had disappeared
and they were all declared dead, his father had walked in the door of
their house as if he were carrying a shuttle on his back.  His mother
had met him at the stairs.

*Tell me it isn't true, Owen.  Please tell me Tom isn't dead,* she had
plead.

He didn't say a word, just nodded.  He had looked so old, so tired, so
grieved.

His mother had dropped to her knees weeping and screaming, blaming his
father.  Then Owen had slowly walked over to where she rocked and keened
and gathered her in his arms.  Owen Paris started crying and begging
both his wife's and son's forgiveness.  Strangely enough, his parent's
grief had made Tom happy.

Over and over she had taken him back to situations that he blamed
himself for, and showed him the truth.  Yeah, Chak had been mad about
being left out of the loop on the Jonas thing, but he was more hurt.
Hurt by Kathryn Janeway herself.  Tom had just embarrassed him and added
insult to injury, and since it was easier to take it out on Tom then the
Captain.  He had taken the brunt of Chakotay's anger, and he could
understand that.

The shuttle.  Rahea let him feel Chakotay's fight against Tuvok to save
them both.  The shuttle bay, when Tom had screamed at him.  The pain he
had gone through.  The way he had stood at his view port in his quarters
for hours, hurting for Tom, trying to remember.  And that even before
Chakotay remembered, when Tom was going to be put off the ship, it had
hurt Chakotay to see him treated that way.  Tom found himself smiling,
even through the pain.  It was like Rahea had said, sometimes the only
truth was in the eyes, and he remembered the look of regret in
Chakotay's eyes on more than one occasion.

Tom put the small rock down that he had found in his hand when he had
woken up.  It was just a pretty rock, a quartz of some sort, white,
sparkly, but cloudy and rough.  Rahea had given it to him on his spirit
walk.  When she had handed it to him, it had looked like it did now,
rough, unfinished, but then she had waved her hand and he watched it
become a beautiful stone with facets and clear.  He had held it up to
the sun and watched the light refract through it and throw a rainbow of
color across the glen.

"Don't let looks fool you, Tom.  Beneath every surface there is another
truth, the real person.  Look in the eyes, see the real person."

***

He waited for Chakotay at the turbolift.  A few people had spoken to
him, briefly and he made sure to thank them and talk to them.  He
suddenly wanted to get past the cloudy surfaces with people.  Then he
saw Chakotay walking down the hall.  As he watched Chakotay walk towards
him, he saw something he had never seen before.  People got out of
Chakotay's way, but even the few people who spoke to him, were
reserved.  All anyone did was greet him, with a short,

"Commander."

And Chakotay only nodded in return.  Shit, how lonely that must be.  He
wondered if Kathryn was the same way.  Tom stood up as Chakotay got near
him and smiled at him.

"Ready, Commander?"

Chakotay nodded, looking at Tom with a slightly confused look on his
face.

Tom smiled to himself as he made a decision.  He was going to make a
concerted effort to make sure the Captain and the Commander were made a
part of this crew.  Hell, they weren't their parents or some sort of
gods they were just people.  Yeah, Tom was gonna make a difference to
this crew, and fuck the ones who wouldn't accept him.  As the lift doors
opened he swore he heard a hawk scream.

***

Chakotay," Kathryn said, shaking her head in disbelief.  "Are you
telling me, Tom's animal guide showed up and not only removed the blocks
Tuvok put in your mind, but cleaned Tom's system completely of all the
drugs the EMH had him on, and healed his mind, too?"

"I told you it was gonna be hard to explain, but yes, that's exactly
what happened.  Check Sam's report.  Tom is clean of all drugs and I
remember everything."

"When we get the EMH fixed, I want EEG's run on both of you," Kathryn
said, staring at both of them.  Then her expression softened.  "Tom, are
you all right?"

"I am fine, Captain.  I feel better than I have in months," he said with
a warm smile.  He met her eyes and noticed how she searched his face.
He winked at her, and that made her smile.

"All right.  I'll take your report for now, but I want both of you to
report to sickbay if you have any problems whatsoever."

"Yes, Ma'am," Tom said, and then with a devilish smile continued.  "On
one condition, Captain."  Her eyebrow arched up and a frown creased her
face.  Tom continued to smile.  "That you and the Commander join me for
an informal dinner on the holodeck tonight.  My treat."

"Tom, I have reports and..."

"Captain, one evening of relaxation as someone other than *the Captain*
will do you some good," Tom stated firmly, then he met her eyes.
"Please, Kathryn, it would mean so much to me."

He saw a flash of anger at the use of her name, but then her face
softened, and she nodded.  "What time, Lieutenant?"

"Uh, eighteen hundred, and it will be an informal affair, no rank, no
uniforms." She nodded again, and Tom looked at Chakotay.

"I'll be there."

***

At precisely eighteen hundred hours, the doors to the holodeck opened
and Kathryn Janeway and Chakotay both walked into the holodeck.  Tom
looked up pleased.  They were both in civvies.  Kathryn looked very nice
in a white button down shirt with black slacks, and Chakotay looked
dashing in a black button down shirt and black jeans.  Tom smiled as he
stepped up to both of them.

"You both look great.  Thanks for coming.  Our table is over here," he
said, leading them through the tables.  He had borrowed a restaurant
program and snazed it up a little, copying a nice restaurant in Paris
that he used to go to.

They all sat down, and Tom continued.  "Now, I'm going to warn both of
you, the wine is real."  He gestured to the bottle chilling.  He saw
Kathryn begin to object.  "Kathryn, one glass won't hurt you.  I just
ask that you drink one glass with us."

"Kathryn?" she asked with an arched eyebrow.

Tom smiled his most award winning smile at her, and whispered.  "I
promise it won't happen on the bridge, but what else should I call a
beautiful woman having dinner with me?"

Tom watched, inordinately pleased as a blush spread across her cheeks.

"You are incouragable, Tom."

"Yes, Kathryn," he said with emphasis, as he lifted her hand.  "That I
am."  Tom kissed the back of her hand and watched thrilled as not only
did Kathryn Janeway smile, but she almost giggled as she pulled her hand
away.

Then he turned his attention to Chakotay, who had a slight glower on his
face.  "And for you Chakotay, I have programmed in a wide variety of
vegetarian dishes, including curry."  He handed Chakotay the menu with a
flourish.

"How did you know I like curry, Tom?" Chakotay asked, as he took the
menu.

"Well," Tom drawled, as he filled both of their glasses half full with
the chilled wine.  "Curry does have a distinctive zing to it, and I've
smelt it on you once or twice."  He winked as he handed Chakotay his
glass, and let his fingers slide over Chakotay's as he took the glass.
Chakotay also lifted an eyebrow at him, but relented as Tom smiled.

"That it does," Chakotay said, turning his attention to the menu.

Tom put on his best roll of host, and had both of them laughing and
smiling as he told them stories of his youth.  They both drank two or
three glasses of wine, and soon were joining in, telling stories.
Chakotay's dimples made several appearances and Kathryn glowed.  Tom was
never prouder of himself.  Almost two hours later, Tom smiled at both of
them.

"And, for the final surprise of the evening.  Computer, run Paris,
Dessert three."

Kathryn inhaled as a rotating tray filled with crepes, whipped cream,
fruits and sauces appeared.  Chakotay smiled at him and saluted with his
glass of wine.

They absolutely cleaned the tray.  Tom smiled when Chakotay reached over
and wiped a bit of cream off his chin, and then licked it off his
finger.  Tom was thoroughly aware of the fact that Chak was flirting
with him.  He looked at Kathryn and saw not only happiness in her eyes,
but a bit of pain and grief as well.  His mind began to tick off a list
of possible candidates for her, but no one jumped to mind.

As their time was winding down on the holodeck, Tom stood up, and filled
both of their glasses.  Chakotay and Kathryn looked at each other, but
took their glasses and stood up as well.

Tom lifted his glass.  "To Voyager, may she make it home soon"

"To Voyager."

The all touched glasses and drank.

"To the best crew, I've ever had," Kathryn said, and again they all
drank.

"To people, willing to put their differences aside, and work towards
everyone's good," Chakotay toasted.

Kathryn and Chakotay both looked like they were going to sit down, but
Tom remained standing and looked at both of them.

"To friends," Tom said quietly, meeting both of their eyes.  "Near and
far."

Both of them nodded and touched their glasses to his.  "To friends."
They both said with a nod and a smile.

Tom finished his glass of wine and then smiled.  "And now for the
absolutely best part of the evening."  Chakotay and Kathryn both looked
confused.  "Computer, clean this mess up."

All of them laughed as the mounds of dirty dishes disappeared.

***

They all left the holodeck together, but Kathryn split off, saying she
wanted to check on something.  Tom watched her walk down the hall, and
knew that tomorrow she would look more rested.

Then he looked at Chakotay.  He didn't think this part would be so hard,
but being told he could trust Chak again and actually taking that step
were two different things.  He was surprised when Chakotay stopped and
faced him.

"Come to my cabin?" Chakotay asked quietly.

Tom smiled and nodded.  It was really strange.  He was feeling shy.  He
laughed when they started walking again.

"What's so funny, Tom."

"Well, we've made love a few times, but I still feel like I should let
you kiss me and then go into my cabin where my parents will be sitting
on the couch surreptitiously waiting for me to get home."

Chakotay chuckled as they got on the turbolift.

When they got inside Chak's cabin, Tom wandered around, while Chakotay
got them another glass of wine.  It was synthehol, but Chakotay had
programmed the computer to match the wine Tom had served at dinner.
They both sat on the couch.  A silence grew that told Tom, Chakotay was
just as uncomfortable as he was.

"Chak, will you do me a favor?"

Chakotay nodded.  "If I can, Tom."

"Back in prison, Becker used to...he used to tie me up and leave me that
way, and basically I was...uh...free for anyone to use."

Chakotay flinched, but Tom put his hand on Chakotay's leg.

"No, Chak, it isn't that.  I don't want you to feel guilty," Tom
explained.  "It's the biggest trust issue I have."

"So what do you want me to do, Tom?"

"Tie me up.  Prove I can trust you with me."

Shock registered on that handsome dark face.  Tom was frightened, but it
was the biggest thing he could do to prove to Chakotay he trusted him.
That he wanted the Maquis.  He leaned in and kissed Chakotay.  Giving
himself to him this way had sparked a fire that was building inside him.

"Please, Chakotay, prove I can trust you."

Chakotay's hands came to the back of his head, and he pulled Tom into
his embrace.  Tom gave himself to Chakotay, as strong hands held his
face.  Tom opened himself completely and Chakotay took control.  He soon
had Tom pinned to the couch.  Tom was absolutely floored a moment later
when Chak pulled away from him.

"What's wrong?" Tom asked confused.

Chakotay looked at him sheepishly and then said a single word.  "Curry."

Tom laughed as Chak exited the living area and went to the bathroom.

A few minutes later, Chakotay came back into the living area.  Tom was
smiling at him.

"Boy, do you know how to set a mood," Tom teased.  But to smooth over
the awkward moment, he walked up to Chakotay, gave him a sip of his wine
and then asked, "Now where were we?"

Chakotay pulled him up tight and Tom could feel Chakotay was definitely
interested.  As Chakotay kissed him, Tom could feel Chak pulling his
shirt out of his pants, and then warm fingers on his back.  Soon Tom was
rubbing himself on Chak's leg, groaning.  He dropped his head back and
jumped as Chak's teeth marked him.

"Gods, Chakotay," he cried, and then he was twisting in Chak's arms, as
Chakotay began to stroke Tom's cock through his pants.

"Feel me, Tom.  Feel what you do to me," Chakotay growled in Tom's ear,
as he ground his own hard cock against Tom's hip.

Then he took Tom into the bedroom.  Tom watched, licking his lips as
Chakotay stripped the black shirt off.  He wanted to touch, kiss and
lick every single square inch of flesh.  He wanted to make Chakotay
groan.

Chakotay caught his eye.  "Tom, it's the only time, I'll mention this.
What is your word?"

"Break, Chak, but you ain't gonna hear it."

"I better hear it if you get scared," Chakotay said, as he threw his
shirt on a chair.  "Get undressed, Tom."

Tom removed his clothing, only a little self conscious as Chakotay
watched him.  The hungry stare reminded him of the wolf that had sat on
the edge of the glen as Rahea had talked to him.  Wolf, it hit him
between the eyes.  He hadn't made the connection before.  Chakotay's
spirit guide was a wolf.  And did he ever look like one right now.

Tom watched as Chakotay got a wood box out of his closet and set it on a
low table.  He opened it, and looked inside.

"Come here, Tom," Chakotay said quietly.

Tom walked over to him and looked into the box.

"Oh, toys," he said with a smile.

"Yeah," Chakotay said.  "Choose."

Tom paused for a moment and then realized Chakotay was giving him some
control.  Talk about a warm, fuzzy feeling.  But as he looked into the
box, a small shiver ran up his spine.  He reached in and picked up a
plastic wrapped container.  Chakotay looked up, shocked.  Tom picked up
something else and handed it to Chakotay.  It was the neutralizer to the
gel cuffs he had chosen.

"Are you sure?"

Tom smiled and reached in and picked something else up and handed it to
Chakotay.  It was a cockring.  He leaned in and kissed Chakotay.

"There is nothing in there that I object to you using.  Just don't hurt
me."

Chakotay licked his lips, looked back into the box and then at Tom.

"I have another one, but I'll wait," Chakotay said quietly.  Then he
pulled Tom in for a demanding kiss.  "I won't hurt you, Tom."

"I know."

Tom moved away from Chakotay and took a deep breath.  Then he turned
back to Chakotay.  He saw Chak's eyes were almost black.

"Why these?" Chakotay asked, gesturing to the gel cuffs.

"'Cause that's what Becker used."

Chakotay nodded and stepped towards Tom.  "I prefer the cuffs, there's
more range of movement, but I like these, too.  Get on the bed."

Tom sat on the bed and Chakotay got in from the other side.  He gently
pushed Tom back onto the pillows.  Then, as Chakotay straddled his hips,
Tom was kissed into oblivion.  He reached up to touch Chakotay, and Chak
allowed him to run his fingers over his face.  Then Chakotay took his
wrist, kissed it and pushed it through the headboard.  Tom swallowed
deeply as he heard the package ripped open.  Chak had to work quickly,
air activated them, and body heat caused them to set up.  He felt the
gelatinous mess conform to his arm.  He felt the beginnings of panic set
in, until Chakotay once more kissed him.  His other arm was lead through
the headboard, and while Chakotay distracted him, the other gel cuff was
closed over his wrist.  Five seconds later, he was secured to the bed.
Chakotay sat back and met Tom's eyes.

"You okay?"

"Give me a minute," Tom whispered.  He twisted for a minute, pulling at
the cuffs.  Chakotay reached for the neutralizer, but Tom screamed.
"No, don't.  Until you hear that word, I'm okay.  It's just, it's hard,
Chak."

"I know, Poocah.  I know."

Then Tom felt Chak's hands on his body.  It was good.  It was so good.
Chakotay explored Tom's body, biting at his nipples, until Tom was
twisting and moaning, and more turned on by the cuffs than frightened.
The Tom came off the bed as Chakotay's mouth engulfed his cock.

"Oh, fuck!" Tom hissed.  No one had ever done that while he was tied
up.  No one had ever seen to his pleasure.  Soon Chakotay had him
pushing up into his mouth.  He was so close to coming, when Chakotay
pulled away from him.  Tom cried out, but Chakotay moved him on the
bed.  He took Tom's legs and bent them at the knees, spreading them far
apart, until Tom was completely exposed to him.

Once more Chak leaned up and kissed him, their cocks coming in contact.
Tom couldn't help rubbing against him.  He jumped when Chak wrapped his
hand around his cock and pumping him.  He used Tom's own precum to
lubricate his hand.

"Yeah, Tom.  Give it to me," he whispered, as Tom started to twist and
jerk his hips again.  "I love to watch you cum."

Tom continued to lift himself into that hot fist.

"You're beautiful like this, Tom.  Spirits, I want to fuck you.  You're
making me leak, watching you."  Chakotay kissed him again, meeting Tom's
rhythm.  "Tell me about it."

"Hot, so fucking hot," he cried.  "Over the top, rub the head of my
dick."

Chakotay's thumb rubbed all over the head of his cock.  Tom pulled at
the cuffs, grabbing the headboard.

"More, tighter."

Chakotay's hand tightened, and sped up.  Then Tom felt Chak's other
finger delve behind his balls.

"Yeah, oh gods, Chak, more."

The finger breached him deeply, and Tom screamed as it hit his
prostate.  He shoved himself through Chakotay's tight fist and came
hard.

He became aware of Chakotay slowly stroking his cock, and gently kissing
his face.

"Thank you," he whispered.

"No, thank you for letting me prove myself to you.  Are you okay?"

"I'm fine."

"Good."

Tom smiled lightly as Chakotay placed the cock ring over his limp cock.
Then Chakotay touched his face.

"I want you to see something," Chakotay whispered.  He sat back on his
heals and Tom saw he had a cock ring on as well.  "Tonight is far from
over."

By the end of the evening, Tom was sure he would never walk straight
again.  He was also pretty darn glad he had chose the gel cuffs,
otherwise Chakotay would have had to spend a lot of time regenerating
his wrists.

Not only did Chakotay open him, but he took his sweet time about it,
until Tom was begging to be fucked.

Then he slowly worked that huge cock deep inside Tom and fucked him for
hours, or at least it felt that way.  Tom was soaked in sweat, his
knuckles had to be white on the headboard as Chakotay finally began to
speed up and fuck him hard.

Chakotay had spoken a mixture of dirty talk and love to him throughout
the entire episode.  Telling Tom that he loved his ass, it was tight and
hot.  How hard his own dick was, how he wanted to do nothing more than
ram himself in and fuck Tom until he screamed.

Finally, Chakotay grabbed Tom's cock and began to fist it again.  Tom
was folded up like a pretzel and Chak drove them both over the edge.  He
remembered screaming as he came.
 

Tom woke up.  He shifted positions and realized Chakotay had freed him
from the bed.  He also realized he was clean and wrapped up in those big
arms.  He stroked Chakotay's arms, wrapped around his waist.  He was
always amazed at the amount of muscle mass Chakotay carried.  His
forearms were chorded.  He remembered how it had felt when Chakotay had
grabbed his wrist when he had slid off the cliff.  It was like a vice
had grabbed him.  Tom thought he probably could have let go of
everything and still swung safely.

He pictured Chakotay naked, and mentally assessed the muscle mass, the
definition of Chakotay's body.  He was a fine looking man.  Tom shifted
slightly, and almost winced as his ass let him know how well he had been
fucked.  A good looking man with one big dick.  Tom smiled to himself,
snuggled deeper into Chakotay's arms and went back to sleep.

***

The next day, they both reported to the conference room.  Chakotay was
pleased to see Kathryn looked much better this morning.  He didn't know
what Tom was up to, but he had to admit the dinner the night before had
been fun.  It had been nice to relax with Kathryn and had Tom laid the
debonair gentleman on thick.  Kathryn had eaten it up like a kitten
after a bowl of cream.

There wasn't much going on.  Neelix reported that the food stores were
good, B'Elanna said the engines were as good as they could hope for,
Seven reported she was making a lot of progress with the EMH's program
and that he should be back on line again soon.

At the end of the meeting, Kathryn asked that Tom stay for a moment, and
despite Chakotay's surprised look, Kathryn just smiled and indicated the
door with her head.

Chakotay went to the bridge, wondering what that was about, but he
assumed that one of the two of them would tell him soon enough.  As he
took his chair on the bridge, he glanced around.  He remembered what he
had seen on his own spirit walk that day.  Yeah, there was damage done
here.  He remembered seeing Tuvok and Harry standing outside the ship
laughing.  That was what they needed to do.  They had damaged the
command structure of the ship, and they, the alpha shift crew, needed to
rebuild the trust that had been destroyed.  He nodded to himself.  He
had a plan, and that made him feel better.
 
 

TBC