Okay kiddies this one's initial premise might beg you
to suspend your logical thinking for a time and ask you to go a
little with the flow cause the science isn't exactly precise (it is
however closer than you might think) but I promise you, it will
eventually be worth it.
thanks to Haggis for inspiring this whacked out tale of
misadventure and desperate love.*
and Tom go on an away mission to a toxic planet
and have to depend on each other in a very intimate way to stay alive.
If you asked
him later why he stopped, Chakotay couldn't have told
you. Up to about a minute ago he'd been happy and bursting with
energy but now suddenly he was tired and sore again. All he had
wanted to do was go back to his quarters and sleep for a year but he
hadn't. Maybe he was sick of running or a glutton for punishment, he
didn't know but when Tom had asked him to wait, remarkably, he did.
"Why?" He hissed.
The one word was all he could muster after
turning to face the fresh kissed blond. Seeing his swollen lips and
mussed hair sparked his anger. Indignation and betrayal replaced his
Tom stopped straightening his clothing and looked up at him blinking.
"What? You're not leaving?"
It was not
the response he expected and it brought him up short. Tom
appeared surprised he hadn't left.
"I still could."
Chakotay warned, automatically falling back into a
safe defensive posture.
"No!" Tom shouted
and took a step forward. "I mean, please stay."
He pleaded softly with his hands upturned.
"Why?" He asked again.
"Look, I know
what you're thinking, wait no." Tom ran his hands
through his tousled locks while shaking his head. "I take that
back. I `never' know what you're thinking." He dropped his
hands. "Anyway all I was sort of doing was saying good bye."
"It looked more like hello." Chakotay shot back.
"Well it wasn't,
okay?" Tom barked. "I was breaking it off and Ken
wasn't very happy about it. Not that I blame him. I didn't really
give him any warning."
"And do you
plan on saying goodbye to all your lovers this way? Do I
wait patiently on the sidelines while you fuck half the crew
asked mortified. Chakotay had hurt him with that one
but he had meant to, hadn't he?
"I will not
be made a fool of Tom. I have feelings for you and I
admit that but I will not be one of the herd."
What the fuck is the herd!" Tom screamed, his voice
ringing off the walls of the cargo bay. "You mentioned it twice on
the planet and I still don't know what the hell you're talking
about. I'm not a goddam mind reader Chak and even if I was, with
you all I'd probably get is static."
Chakotay replied tactfully. He could have been
cruder, had been tempted to be but refrained. He was already
starting to feel guilty from his last remark. It wasn't as easy to
fight with Tom Paris now that he knew he loved him.
Tom's blue eyes sparkled in mirth. Quick temper but
quicker to forgive, Chakotay thought as he visibly watched the
younger man cool down before his eyes. Nope, not easy to fight with
him at all.
"Oh shit babe,
I only want one of those and you're it. I said I love
you and I swear I still do."
"And yet I
walk in here to get a bottle of wine for `our' date and
you're with someone else. How could you love me and do that?"
Chakotay asked this time not needing to hurt. He just needed to know.
"Weren't you listening you big fucking oaf? I was saying goodbye!"
flared again and Chakotay's mouth reacted defensively to
"Well here's another one for you. Good bye Tom Paris!"
had to get out of here. He had to think and he couldn't
do that in Tom's presence. The younger man was a collection of
impulses and gut reactions and Chakotay was mirroring them, getting
nothing straight in his mind. He turned to exit the deck but Tom
stopped him with a firm grip to his right bicep.
"Oh don't you
fucking dare walk out on me again Chakotay. I've been
putting up with your shit for the last two days and if anyone
deserves to stomp out of the room and have a hissy fit, it's me."
"A hissy fit!"
Outraged Chakotay moved into Tom's hold and stared
him in the eye. "I do not have hissy fits you spoilt brat. I have,
What exactly did he have?
Tom finished for him with a smile. Chakotay had to
struggled not to smile back.
"Stop it." He said as the younger man's face drew closer.
"Stop what?" Tom whispered.
know, you." Chakotay whispered back. Tom's mouth was now
dangerously close to his own.
Tom chuckled softly. "A little hard to do since I am me."
thought as he fell into his startling blue gaze and
inhaled his warm breath. For him Tom Paris was always going to be
this irritating, this confusing and yes, this beautiful. He cupped
the back of his neck with his hand and ran his fingers through the
soft hair at his nape.
"Do you like Antarian cider, my pale beauty?"
went blank for a moment but he recovered quickly with a
it babe but I have a feeling I'll love it if your
"Is that so?"
Chakotay brushed his lips as he spoke. Tom let go of
his bicep and wound both his arms about his waist.
"I love you
Chakotay and I don't want to hurt you." He pressed his
forehead to his. "If you ask me to, I'll never touch another man or
woman again for the rest of my life."
"That sounds like a commitment."
Tom looked at him amused. "I was going for something
more like a vow."
A vow? A marriage
vow? It was the only kind Chakotay knew of that
involved fidelity and love, both of which Tom had mentioned. Would
the younger man go for that? Did Chakotay want to go for that? That
was something he definitely had to think about when alone.
we start with dinner?" He countered breaking the
tension that had been building to an uncomfortable level.
said seriously losing the off kilter grin. Did he sound
"Okay." He kissed Tom's lips lightly. "22:00 my quarters."
"22:00 your quarters." Tom parroted.
"Wear something casual. No uniforms."
"Casual, right. Something easy."
After a quick
kiss and a tight bear like hug, Tom gave him one last
winning smile and left the deck.
him go and didn't move until the cargo bay doors had
closed. Deep in thought he retrieved two bottles of cider and added
another task to complete before his date that evening.
Talking to Kathryn.
"Do I have a herd Harry?"
It was 21:30
and he was sitting in the ensign's cabin in a form
fitting white tee and tighter jeans. Tom was dressed to kill or in
this case fuck, but not that Harry would notice. His best friend
never did. That's why he was his best friend.
"A herd, as in a group of cattle?"
"Oh, well you do have a lot."
"And everybody knows that?"
Harry said blandly, not shocked, not appalled, just
stating a fact. "Why do you ask?"
"Would that be detrimental to someone falling in love with me."
"No people fall in love with you all the time."
"Okay let me
put another way. Would it deter someone from thinking
seriously about me?"
"Serious? Oh I get it. As in marriage, you mean marriage."
"Well I wouldn't
ask you but that has nothing to do with how many
people you've slept with."
"I know Harry. I don't turn your crank."
"But if you
did, and I really loved you, your past wouldn't matter to
"Tom, are you saying there's someone you want to marry?"
"Yes but I don't think he's as open minded as you are."
"He? As in a guy? You want to marry a guy?"
"Why not? It's legal."
"Yeah but what about kids? Will the commander want children?"
"I think so but hey! I didn't say it was Chakotay."
"Like who else
would it be? I was in Sickbay when you came back from
the planet, remember. I saw how you were with him."
so it's him. I love him Harry and I think even though he
hasn't said so yet, he loves me but I'm not sure he wants to."
"Wants to what, love you?"
"Yeah, he fights
it all the time. I know he likes fucking me, and he
really likes me fucking him but,"
"Oh geez Tom, too much information."
anyway what it boils down to is Chak can't get over my
past. He calls my lovers the herd and he hates them. He wouldn't
admit it but he does. I can see in his eyes every time he says the
"He's jealous. The commander's a proud man Tom."
"Too proud to marry a slut?"
a slut Tom. You ah, you ah just like sex. That's it.
You have all these raging hormones or something like that and you
have to get them out somehow. That doesn't make you unworthy of
marriage, in fact it could be an asset. You've got lots of
experience, so you should be real good at it. The commander should
feel lucky you want to put all your sexual talents into him for the
rest of your life."
"Shit maybe you should talk to Chakotay."
"I will if you want me too."
"Nah, it would
probably just embarrass him. That or send him running
for the hills."
"Nothing. Gotta go. I've got a date."
The herd's history Harry. There's never going to be
anyone else for me now that I've had him."
"Once you go Chak, you never go back, eh?"
"Something like that Harry. Definitely something."
"You've got a date with him? Do you think that's wise?"
"How else am I going to see him, Kathryn?"
"Not funny Chakotay. So you do plan on continuing the relationship."
I did tell you I loved him. Do you have a problem with
two of your officers being involved romantically?"
"No, not normally.
I mean it's a small ship and it's a long way
home. I can't in good conscience dictate my crew's love lives but
"So you do have a problem with me being with Tom."
"Yes but not
for the reasons you're thinking. I'm not jealous. I do
care for you Chakotay but I'm not discouraging your relationship with
Tom because I'm holding out for us."
"I'm not suggesting
that Kathryn. You're my only friend I know
that. That's why I'm here in fact. I need a friend."
"Because you're not sure either, right?"
"No I think
I'm sure, only there are somethings I need to talk about
that I can't with Tom without hurting his feelings."
"No, you first.
I'd like to hear the reason you don't approve of me
being with Tom. Is it professional? You don't think I can do my
with him, no. I have complete confidence that you can
successfully balance your love life with your position as first
when it falls apart? The two of you went through
something very personal down on the planet, it brought you closer I
realize that but how long will it last? You're both so different.
You fight all the time. What's going to happen when you split? I
can't run a bridge Chakotay when two of my best officers hate each
you're concerned about? That we'll break up and
endanger the ship?"
"That and you'll
get hurt, both of you. I care about Tom too
"So we should nip it in the bud now and count our losses?"
prolonging the temporary bond from the planet is only
going to make it harder later. Okay now I've said my peace. What
was it you wanted to discuss?"
"You're not going to like it."
"I'm not liking it now, so shoot."
I wanted your opinion on whether or not you thought Tom
could settle down. If somebody with so many lovers could settle for
just one, especially if that one was me."
"Do you have
to know this now? Can't it wait until you've dated
"Now you `want' me to date him?"
"Oh just stop it. You know what I mean."
Kathryn I would have probably waited. Getting use to
being with him is difficult, he challenges me constantly but it's
worth it and when I think about it, I'm not sure I want to become
totally used to it."
"Oh god, he asked you, didn't he?"
"Not in so many words but he did sort of bring it up."
"Sort of? How does somebody sort of bring up marriage?"
important, what's important is that I'm considering
asking him officially tonight."
you really are a goner for him. This isn't temporary,
"No wonder you're sweating bullets."
"I am? Spirits, I am. Oh damn, not now!"
"What is it?"
said I might have a relapse if I over did it. I can't
have this happen right now Kathryn. I can't propose to Tom if I'm
sick. He'll think I only want him for his body. I can't have that
Kathryn, I can't."
settle down Chakotay. You'll only make it worse. Maybe
the doctor can do something to hold your over and hide your symptoms
"So Tom doesn't notice?"
"Yes and then
you can propose, he can say yes and you'll get what you
"Are you supporting my decision now?"
"Yes, yes, yes dammit."
"You think I'm enough for him?"
Oh yes and if you want him back, that's plenty. When was
the last time you looked in a mirror Chakotay? You're quite the
catch. All of Tom's former lovers combined can't compare to you.
Don't you know that?"
"I do now. Thank you Kathryn."
"You're welcome, now shut up and let's get you Sickbay."
"Can we go to bed love? I really want to go to bed."
necking on the couch since they finished dinner, not that
either of them had eaten much. They had spent most of the time
talking and just listening to one another's voice. At an appropriate
time they had abandoned the meal and had headed to the couch with the
wine, which wasn't really getting much attention either. The bottle
was still half full.
This is our first date, shouldn't we stop at kissing?"
Chakotay teased while pulling the front of his shirt from his jeans
and slipping his hands underneath. Tom pulled the tee over his head,
threw it across the room and straddled his lover.
"Oh I don't
want you to stop kissing me. I just want you do a few
other things as well. Like sucking and fucking, if that's all right
"I could manage that." Chakotay removed his own shirt and tossed it.
At the sight
of his beautiful brown chest shining in the low light,
Tom leaned forward rubbed himself against it. He had to hunch to
bring their nipples together but the heady feeling of one hard nub
rubbing against another outweighed the awkwardness of his position.
Chakotay moaned and then tipped him sideways into the couch covering
his face and neck with kisses. Tom wrapped his legs about his waist
and laughed with joy at this lover's enthusiasm.
"You not going
to make to it the bed are you babe?" He said looking
up into Chakotay's dark eyes.
"You want the bed my love? Fine, then you get the bed."
would have skipped the bed to hear Chakotay call him
love one more time but it wasn't up to him. In a rush the older man
lifted from the lounge and scooped him up. Tom held on tight with
his arms and legs as they weaved a zig zagged trail across the living
"Oh babe I love you." He said hoping to hear it returned.
Chakotay stopped and swayed. "Tom, I have to put you down."
"Yes on the bed so you can ravish me."
Chakotay moaned as he dropped to his knees. The jolt of
the impact caused Tom to release his hold on his lover and fall
"What the fuck?"
He looked to
Chakotay who was leaning forward on all fours and
breathing hard. Ignoring his bruised tailbone, Tom scrabbled towards
him and held his head. Chakotay wasn't on fire but he was hot.
"Oh babe, you're
sick again aren't you?" He made a silent vow to
scramble the doctor's photons later as he wiped the sweat from
Tom, I didn't want this to happen tonight. Oh spirits,
not tonight of all nights."
"I know, our
first date but it's okay, you can't help it. How bad is
"Not bad, the
doctor gave me something for the fever. If I hadn't
decided to be Mr Romantic and carry you into the bedroom, I would
have probably been fine."
"If it means
anything, I was touched. Now let's `walk' to the
bedroom and get you fixed up."
him a tolerant smile as Tom helped him up. "Thanks. I
guess this puts a whole new twist on the saying `dying to get in'."
"Or `your life is mine'." Tom returned with his own smile.
"Or `I'd die for you'."
`love you to death'?" Tom said as they passed into the
"No, too corny."
him around and placed his arms loosely over his broad
shoulders. "And `dying to get in' wasn't?"
Tom thought that was a wonderful sound, Chakotay
snagged him by the belt loops and jerked him close.
"So I'm not funny. Would you marry me anyway?"
"You heard me Tom Paris."
"Yes, you heard me?"
"Yes love, and then yes again."
"Oh shit Chak,
don't second guess this one. I love you and I want to
marry you, all right?"
"Good Tommy because I love you and want to marry you too."
him a big two dimpled grin, three actually if you
counted the cleft in his chin.
"Well I don't really have much choice seeing as I'm addicted you."
love, you're not funny." Tom said and then nipped
playfully at his chin. Chakotay pulled back his face and interrupted
his teasing with his lips. Tom let him.
the near darkness of the bedroom, the only light came
from the stars shining through the view port and half dressed, Tom
and Chakotay sealed their vow with heart shaking, soul rendering
kiss. When the older man began to shake, Tom broke it off.
"I think it's Tommy time, babe."
going be Tommy time for me my love." Chakotay replied a
little breathless but still smiling.
"Good." Tom said.
And it was, this time, that time, there after and forever.