Fandom:  Star Trek:  Voyager
Pairing:  Chakotay/Tom Paris
Rating:  NC 17
Series:  2 of ?
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Disclaimer:  Voyager and her crew are the property of Paramount and
not me.  Whatever.

Summary:  A strange night of sacrifice, understanding and revelations.

Where no man had gone before.

Or perhaps he should say `come before'.  Tom laughed aloud at the
thought and then quickly covered his mouth as hysteria threatened.
It was over.  Q was gone and he was left alone in his bed shaking
with fear and confusion.  Tom wrapped his arms about himself in an
effort to stop his shivering and began to rock.

If the sex had been brutal and savage, he could have handled that.
He would hate J and have no problem facing Chakotay but it hadn't
gone that way and perhaps in the beginning that had been his fault.
He had been the one that had set the scene.

After the comm link to the ready room had been severed, the young Q
had turned to him on the lounge asking, not demanding to be touched.
Tom had been replaying his love's words of faith over and over in his
mind and hadn't registered the quiet request immediately.  It was
only when he felt fingers stroke his bare shoulder, did he break from
his musings and turn.

It was said that the eyes were windows to the soul and when he gazed
into the expressive orbs of the man beside him, he understood the
adage for the first time.  Within the green depths Tom recognized the
same emotions that up to two days ago he saw every morning when he
looked in the mirror.

In stark contrast to his earlier demeanor, apprehension,
vulnerability and desperate want radiated from J.  How substantial
those soft feelings really were Tom didn't know but the force of them
affected him just as profoundly as the hard ones.

In retrospect his ascribing human emotions to a member of the
Continuum had been foolhardy but at the time it had been the only way
he knew of coping with what was expected of him.  It had been while
holding on to those parallels between himself and Chakotay, he had
taken the hand from his shoulder and placed it in his own.  As long
as Tom believed that omnipotent being was just another young heart
yearning for the love of an older man, he could forget the virtual
knife at his throat.

In quiet submission, J had followed him into the bedroom.  It was as
if he knew that one sarcastic remark from him would break his fragile
self-induced spell.  In silence Tom had lovingly kissed the clothing
from his body and guided him down on the bed.  When they were prone
the young Q had opened his mouth to speak but Tom had stopped him
with two fingers over his lips.

"Please don't make me remember who you are."  He had pleaded.

For the next two hours they had joined together in something that was
more than sex but not quite love.  Tom had gently taken a body that
seemed human, it felt the same, it tasted the same and it responded
the same but occasionally it displayed glaring reminders that it

Lube hadn't been necessary for penetration.  Tom's cock had slid
easily into J's ass and later when their roles had reversed, Tom
found himself filled with something that needed no preparation.  The
young Q's member mimicked his own in appearance but when inside him,
felt molten and unsubstantial.  He still came as J pushed his liquid
heat into him but afterwards felt as if he had never been entered.
There was no sweet burn of having been fucked to savour afterwards.

His new lover's ejaculation had been alien too.  Instead of a sticky
issue, only wispy tendrils of light that had twisted momentarily
around his fingers as he pumped him in time with his thrusts erupted
from the head of his penis.  Tom had tried not to think what that
phosphorescent outpouring had done to his insides later when J had
screamed into him.

When it was over they had held each other.  Nestled in his arms J had
showered his neck and face with light kisses while Tom had stared
into nothingness and tried to come to terms with the weirdest
afterglow of his life.

It had been like fucking a ghost.  He felt haunted and cold.  Even as
J's sweating body warmed him, it didn't permeate the unsettling chill
in his core.  Without being able to put his finger on it, Tom knew he
had been changed.  When he tried to question J about it, the fawning
man mumbled about advantages and then had vanished in a flash leaving
him alone in the dark with his dread.

Thinking a hot shower would help, he crawled from the bed and
stumbled for the bathroom.  Half way to his destination a wave of
nausea rose in throat and he sprinted the rest of trek barely making
it to the toilet before he lost his gorge.  After throwing up the
contents of his stomach he curled into a ball and held his aching
sides.  Laying a cheek flush to the floor, he breathed deeply through
his mouth and let the cold tiled surface refresh him.  When his
shivering began to return he hauled himself up into the shower.

Standing in the hottest stream of water the computer would allow, Tom
washed himself inside as well out.  Performing the routine task
helped calm his nerves and order his thoughts.

The experience was over but it wasn't done.  The bed sheets had to
be recycled not refreshed and he wanted to see Chakotay.  Tom had no
intention of discussing with the older man what he had endured
tonight.  The knowledge would serve no purpose.  He just needed the
purity of his touch to wash away the dirt soap couldn't reach and
then it truly would be finished.

Turning off the water, he stepped from the shower and grabbed a towel
from the rack.  Drying himself and checking his body for marks, Tom
avoided the honesty of the vanity mirror and headed back out to the
bedroom to strip the bed.  After new sheets covered the mattress, he
dressed in a fresh uniform and went in search of Chakotay.  It was
two in the morning but Tom had a pretty good hunch his fiancé would
be awake.

Entering the living room he nearly tripped over his jeans in his rush
for the exit.  Quickly he gathered up his civvies and threw the last
of tonight's evidence into the recycler before heading out the door.
When the panels slid open he almost fell again over a much larger
obstruction blocking the passage.



Nothing is truly random.

Our destiny is set the moment we are born.  What is meant to be, is
and what is foretold will be.  What happens in between is fate and
beyond our control.

His grandfather had said those obscure words to him as child and now
that he was a man in his forties he still didn't understand them but
he did grasp their essence.

Tom Paris was meant to be his and nothing could change that.  The
fact that a Q wanted him too did not affect his budding feelings for
the pilot.  He had known that truth the moment he had heard Tom cry
his name in orgasm.  Although they had not been together it was he
the younger man had called for.  His lifemate reacted naturally and
as to be expected to the physical stimuli the demon spawn had created
but it was his spirit he had reached out to.  Even through his anger
with the Continuum for letting such a travesty happen Chakotay was
comforted that Tom remained true to him.

However knowing that, he was not naive enough to believe that the
events of this evening had not altered their relationship.  Chakotay
didn't need to hear threats to know that the man who had trembled
with desire mere hours ago in his arms had been coerced.  Tom was a
victim of rape and would require counseling.  They both would.

Stretching out his right leg, he flexed his knee and then recrossed
his legs.  If the pilot didn't emerge soon, he would also need
physiotherapy.   He was much too old to be sitting on a cold hard
floor for two hours.  Besides his stiffening legs, his butt ached and
not in the way he hoped it would when his long ago date had started.
Chakotay drifted back in time partly to take his mind off his aches
and pains but also to distract him from what was happening behind the
closed door he sat in front of.

He was in the midst of reliving the sweet taste of the man who had
agreed to his proposal when his backrest disappeared and he heard a
cry from behind.


Defying space and time in his own way, Chakotay quickly rose to feet
and swooped his lifemate up into his arms.  A flash of gold caught
his eye as the younger man fell into him and cried into his shoulder.

"I'm here." He cooed into the pilot's ear as he rubbed his back as he
would a frightened child.  "You're safe now."

In the vacant corridor, he held the weeping man in revelation and
guilty relief.  He could have shouted out his vow of fealty to the
whole universe and it would have stood by it but it would have meant
nothing if he been unable to touch the young heart in his arms.
Chakotay hugged Tom tighter and petted his damp hair.

While quoting his high ideals to himself there had been a part of him
that wondered if he could follow through.   That when it came right
down to it, he would no longer desire the man he had chosen to spend
the rest of his life with.  However as the pilot's long lean body
clung to his, feelings of fierce protectiveness along with simmering
arousal coursed through his veins.  Tom may have been touched by evil
but he was not desecrated.

"Do you still want me?"  Said a timid voice.


"I'm different now."  Tom whispered hiding his face in his shoulder.

"Yes, you're more precious."


The pilot lifted his head and treated Chakotay to a bright smile.  It
wasn't the only thing that was bright.


Tom's grin disappeared and he paled.  "What's wrong?"

Ever so gently, Chakotay raised his hands and brushed the hair around
the pilot's temples.  Intermingled with the fine strands of ash-blond
were wisps of white gold.  There weren't a lot of the golden
filaments, just enough to give the younger man a dusting around his
ears.  When he cocked his head in question, they glittered in the low
light of the hallway.  It was really quite beautiful.

"Nothing bad baby."  Chakotay brought his hands back down.  "Have you
looked in the mirror Tom?"

"I know what I look like."  He replied evasively.

"Come with me."  Deciding it would be easier to show the younger man
he tried to lead him back into his quarters.   Tom balked.

"No, can we go to your place?"

"If you want."

"I do."

Understanding, Chakotay grasped his destiny by the hand and took him


"So what do you think?"

Sitting on the edge of the bed, Tom stopped playing with the soft
hair at his temples and looked up as Chakotay emerged from the

"I like it."  He said truthfully.  He had never understood why the
commander had darkened his hair in the first place.  The salt and
pepper look he had his first year on Voyager had given Chakotay a
mature dignity that Tom had found sexy in a Sean Connery kind of
way.  He would have told him that if the commander had been more of a
film buff.

"Feel better?"  Chak sat down beside him.

"Yeah.  Sorry I freaked earlier."

"Don't be.  It was my fault.  I should have known better than to just
throw you in front of mirror without preparing you."

To say he'd been shocked when he saw his new hair colour would be
putting it mildly.  Shit, he had screamed like a girl when he'd seen
his reflection.  Chakotay had held him as he blurted out all his
worries about looking different and how the hell was he going to
explain it to the crew without telling them about Q.

After telling him that it was none of their business, they had tried
to dye his hair with no avail.  The stubborn strands refused to
cooperate and almost seemed to glow brighter in defiance.  In the end
it had been Chakotay's suggestion that they leave it and to take the
focus off of him, he would let his own hair go back to its original
colour.  He had almost cried at the big man's thoughtfulness.

Tom smiled and ran his fingers through Chakotay's new do. "Yeah but
you'd made up for it in spades my silver haired fox."

"I'd prefer wolf, my beautiful golden boy."

"Beautiful?"  Tom let his hands trail down the sides of the
commander's face, along his neck and down over the front of his
shirt.  Chakotay's chest started to heave through the black shirt he
was still wearing from their date.

It warmed him that the older man hadn't taken the time to change just
like it had when he found him standing vigil at his door and then
there was thing with the hair.  Chakotay may not love him but it was
obvious he cared.  It was a good normal feeling and after the night
he'd had, one he wanted to expand on.

"Yes."  The commander gasped as the heels of Tom's hands found his

"Show me how beautiful."  Tom nipped at his neck.  "Fuck me Chakotay."

"I'm, I'm not sure that's wise.  You've been through a lot tonight
and we should get to you to Sickbay to make sure you're alright."

"I'm fine.  It's over."  A thought struck him and he pulled
back.  "Unless you don't want me that way any more."

Instantly, he engulfed by strong arms.  "I want you.  You belong to
me and nothing that's happened has changed that.  I will marry you,
tomorrow if you want but you `were' assaulted and, and."

"It didn't hurt."  Which was true.  "I'm OK."  Which probably wasn't
but that was something he didn't want to think about.  When he wanted
to be, Tom could be real good at denial.  Just ask the families of
the friends he killed at Caldik Prime.

"You can't know what being with a Q did to you.  Did he come inside
you Tom?"

"No."  Lie number two.  One more and he was out.

"But you were in him, right?"

"I don't want to talk about this Chak, later maybe but not now.
Right now I want to finish our date.  I want to feel your lips on
mine and your hands on my body.  I need your care more than I do the

"I don't know,"

Tom cut off any further protests with his lips.  He was done with
talking.  It was time to forget and get on with his life and this
sensitive handsome man was it.  He was everything.

Grabbing the tops of Chakotay's shoulders, he pushed him back down on
the bed.  The older man fought him briefly until Tom began to fuck
his mouth with his tongue.  The commander moaned and flipped him
pulling his arms up over his head.  Suddenly it was the bulkhead in
the hallway all over again as the man above him devoured him with his
mouth and ground against him with his hips.

"Tell me you want me Tom Paris."  Chakotay growled then cupped his

"I want you." Tom cried as his lover squeezed gently.

"I'd like to feel you inside me.  Can you do that Tom?  Can you fuck

Tom blinked.  "Me take you?"

"Yes for tonight, I think it would be best for you to be the dominant

Chakotay's request was unexpected but he understood it.   His lover
was trying to restore the sense of control that had been stripped
from him earlier.  Even quivering with the desire he was putting him
first.  Tom supposed he should expect no less from the man who was
also the ship's unofficial counselor.

"Yes Chak, I'll fuck you."  He conceded.

"Good."  His lover responded with such a deep sigh of desire that was
anything but professional leading Tom to believe that maybe he wasn't
doing this just for him.  It didn't mean that he didn't care any less
but it was revealing.

Being a bottom was what Chakotay preferred normally.


"Harder Tom!"

Chakotay wrapped his legs around the long slim torso of his lover and
lifted ass up further into his punishing strokes.  Sweating and
glowing wonderfully Tom pounded harder but the exertion took its toll
on the younger man.  He was starting to come.

Quickly grabbing his cock, he brought himself to orgasm while
watching Tom pump his into him.  The sight of his lean body moving
between his thighs was so beautifully erotic he came powerfully in
just a few strokes.  Tom cried out in pleasure when he felt his
tightened anal muscles and toppled forward.  Chakotay relaxed his
legs and caught Tom in his arms.  The young man's softening penis
slipped deliciously from him as he fell.

"Thank you."  He heard mumbled into his ear and then even breathing.
Kissing the top of his sleeping lover's head, he twisted back and
grabbed the covers from the floor pulling them over their sticky

Pulling Tom closer to him, he wondered if what he just done was the
right thing.  It had felt like it.  Oh spirits had it but perhaps he
should have not touched him at all.  In spite of his words of
protest, all was not well with Tom but unfortunately through his
desire for his lifemate he hadn't been listening as close as he

He wanted children with this man, yes and he wanted a future but most
of all he had wanted to feel his power between his legs.  To tremble
at his touch and beg for his strength had been the only things that
had mattered when Tom had pushed him down on the bed.  Chakotay had
even used psychological pressure to get the younger man to take him
but now afterwards it was that same science that punished him.

He ran a finger over the soft golden hairs at Tom's temple.   He was
so different.  A strange combination of strength and vulnerability
that Chakotay had never encountered before shone from him brighter
than the souvenirs Q had left him.  All at once he wanted to be his
champion and his conquest.  The feeling was unfamiliar and left him
unsettled.  Kissing the brow of his sweet torture, he closed his eyes
and wondered.

Was this what it was like to be in love?