Title: Changes P12
Author: Cheryl Forbes
Fandom: Star Trek: Voyager
Pairing: Chakotay/Tom Paris
Rating: NC 17
Series: 12 of 12
Email for feedback: firstname.lastname@example.org
Disclaimer: Voyager and her crew are the property of Paramount and
not me. Whatever.
Summary: Chakotay takes a stand.
Sandrine's on a Friday night.
It was a time to blow off steam, bitch about your commanding
officers, make social conquests and talk about home. Chakotay nodded
to his fellow crewmembers as he made his way to the bar, fully aware
that in at least one conversation his name had come up.
"A scotch neat." He said to the comely proprietress, thinking fondly
of one he had met on a planet two weeks travel behind them.
"Oui, commandant." She gave him a lustful look as she poured his
requested beverage. He acknowledged the salacious grin with one of
his own as he waited for his drink. The flirtatious response wasn't
something he did usually but it was fast becoming the norm. He felt
so damn sexy that he couldn't help himself.
Three, no four times he had made love to Tom last night and now he
felt incredibly sensuously alert. Chakotay was aware of every move
his body made, if it was to caress Tom's cheek or tap his fingers
over a data PADD in approval of a shift change, it all felt wondrous
and made him feel incredibly alive.
Sipping his drink he turned on his barstool and scanned the crowd for
his lover. His lover, he smiled inwardly at the thought as it warmed
his veins faster than the amber liquid in his glass. It was
incredible how wonderful he felt knowing that Thomas Eugene Paris
shared his bed. So incredible he wanted to shout it over the ship's
open comm channel or atop of Sandrine's bar but Tom wasn't ready for
that. He still had trouble with exposing his emotions to anyone but
On the one hand he was deeply touched, on the other he was pissed.
He couldn't make love to the younger man without him being moved to
tears. Chakotay had thought in time, the visceral response would
have lessened with familiarly but it had done nothing but intensify
in the last few weeks. Tom still reacted violently at his touch.
Fucking then comforting had become a regular routine in their
lovemaking. The behavior had concerned him so much that he had
The stoic Vulcan had listened dispassionately to his story before
Time and patience had been his advice. He predicted that Tom's
emotional responses would probably find a comfortable plateau
eventually but they would still be beyond the norm the pilot was used
to projecting. What would take time would be his adjustment to the
change. Tom would have to come to grips with the crew seeing his
vulnerability after years of showing his hard shell of insolubility.
It was a hard transfer for the younger man to make after years of
protecting his soft spot and in theory Chakotay could understand the
horrendous effort the change required but spirits, the wait was
He would die just to touch Tom in public. Nothing much mind you, a
small peck on the cheek in greeting or a permissive hand on his hip
would be all it would take to satisfy Chakotay. Anything that would
show that the tall blond pilot was his. He knew it was a primal
thing but didn't care.
"Hey Commander, how's it hanging?"
His lover had finally deigned to grace the bar with his usual group
of followers. Harry, the Delaney sisters, Gerron Tem and a few
others weaved themselves into the bar and ordered drinks. Tom would
have made a good Danai.
"As well as it was when you left my bed this morning."
Tom's eyes narrowed at his familiarity as he pulled in closer beside
him at the bar and whispered. "I thought we'd keep this quiet for
"What if I don't want to."
"Then we'll talk about it later at home."
"At home? Oh yeah and how many of your friends know that home is
flat on your back on my bed?"
"Harry knows, but that's not the point."
"No then pray, tell me what is? Do I have to marry you and get you
pregnant to get you to admit to your precious friends that were
"You want babies?" Tom exclaimed loudly and involuntarily.
At this point their private conversation became public. Their voices
had risen to pitch that Chakotay was sure, that even the lovers in
the back booths of Sandrine's could hear what they were talking about.
"Yes, lots but again that's not the point. I spend most of my days
justifying to Kathryn that you're not a shit and love me but you make
it real hard. She's not stupid. She knows you don't acknowledge me
"I want to, you know I want to."
"Oh yes but if you do, the crew will see the soft downy part of you
that cries when we make love. Well excuse me all to hell if I think
that's a good thing."
"You don't get it."
"Oh no? I think I do. You're pride is more important than I am."
"It's not, not.-"
"It is. You've fucked half of Orion's belt but won't admit to making
love to me once."
"Fuck you Chakotay."
"Anytime Lieutenant, anytime."
"I hate you."
"Yeah sure you do but where are you going to end up tonight? In my
bed with my dick stuck up your ass."
"You're an asshole."
"Yes but I'm your asshole. I love you so much Tom Paris that it
breaks me apart when you deny me. I need you so much it hurts."
"I'm not worth the trouble."
"Oh you're probably right there but that doesn't prevent me from
"I know you love me."
"Do you? And do you love me?"
"Stop being a scared little pissant and tell me how you feel."
"I'm not scared and I've already told you that."
"Told me what? Say the words Thomas."
"I love you! Is that what your over inflated ego wants to hear? I
love you so bad that sometimes I can't even move."
"Do you know why I cry every time you make love to me?"
"It's intense I know that,.-"
"Oh that's only the tip of the iceberg. I'm so afraid that one of
these days you're going to wake up and see what it is you're holding
in your arms and that you'll push me away."
"No? Tell me Chakotay, how many men have you fucked or a better
question, how men have fucked you?"
"Other than you, none but my sexual inexperience holds no bounds on
who I love."
"No it doesn't and if you'd stop fighting me so hard, you'd see
that. Nobody here cares that when we make love it touches us so
deeply that we cry."
"You don't cry, I do."
"And now they know Tom. Now what?"
"I don't know."
"I do tell them the truth."
"Where do you live?"
"I live with you Chak."
"I live with you as your lover."
"You know what the word means Tom."
"Yeah I do."
"So you say I do?"
"To what? No wait."
"For what? I'm an old man remember, I can't wait forever."
"No you're not, I mean, oh shit what do I mean?'
"Just say yes."
"Oh no. You said something about babies. I can't do that."
"Yes you can."
"No Chak I can't."
"Is that your final answer?"
"What was the question?"
"I think I just asked you to marry me and have my children."
"Is that a yes?"
"Oh shit, I guess it is."
"You realize you've said that in front of god and everyone. You
can't take it back."
"I don't think I want to."
"Can I kiss you?"
"Oh yes now."
All he'd wanted to do is make Tom acknowledge him in front of his
friends but he'd gone further than that. Just like when he had asked
the tempestuous younger man to move in with him on the spur of the
moment, Chakotay's mouth had reached further than his common sense.
In a fit of insecurity he had asked Tom to marry him and be his
what? Wife? He let the pilot's lips caress his while he racked his
brain for an answer. Still thinking Chakotay kissed his fiancee's
mouth and then held him close.
"I'm scared. Can I say that?" Tom whispered in his ear.
"Yes, I am too."
"Then why are we doing this?"
"Because we love each other."
"Oh fuck, I was afraid you were going to say that."
"It's true, isn't it?"
"Yeah but fuck, babies?"
"You know you say that word a lot and yes I think I want children
"Babies. Oh fuck."
"You said that."
"I'll knock you up Chak."
"Yes you. I can't fly the ship pregnant."
"This is going to be an issue, isn't it?"
"No, no issue. I just thought because, well because.-"
"You thought because you're the man you thought you'd get me
pregnant. Well I hate to surprise you but I'm a man too."
"Believe me I know that."
"And you still want me to have the babies? Oh fuck what am I saying?"
"I hope you're saying yes. My culture doesn't support this kind of
joining but I don't care. If we were home, my family would welcome
"And does that matter?"
"No I guess not."
"So we're agreed?"
"Yeah Chak, I guess we are."
"We are what Tom?"
"I love you and I think I just agreed to marry you. Did I get it
"No baby you got it right in one."
After a collective sigh, the whole of Sandrine's, everyone from the
lowliest of crewman to the captain who was secreted in a corner table
let out a the breath they'd been holding since the cocky chief pilot
had entered the bar.
Personal Log: Ensign Harry Kim.
Holy cow I can hardly believe they actually did it. I mean I've
seen them do worst, but this, shit. My hand was actually shaking as
I handed Tom the ring to give to Chakotay. We had gone over this the
night before but hell when I actually had to do it, it was tough.
Tom started crying and damn then before I knew it, I was crying.
The ring was so wet I'm surprised it stayed on the commander's finger
but it did. I have a feeling it will take more than tears to remove
that simple band of gold from my first officer's finger.
Tom loves him and unless you're absolutely crazy, you ain't never
going to mess that up. I know I wouldn't but that's another story
and in light of what just happened, not one worth telling.
Chakotay's is more interesting and it has a happy ending. Stop it
The reception was in the messhall and not the holodeck, another
surprise. Tom said something about being grateful for what you have
and insisted on having leyola root stew as the opening course. It
wasn't one my favorites, so I had set the blue concoction aside.
After dinner had come the dancing. Clearing back the tables the
guests, including the groom, bride, or whatever had kicked up their
heels. It gave me an excuse to get near Tom.
While dancing close to a song with a slow rhythm, I asked him about
the commander. I asked all the stupid stuff first like are you sure
you love him and all that crap and Tom being the best friend he
always was, gave me the answers. It was only when I broached the
commander's sexual preference did he bolt.
Thinking I had all the answers, I brought up all the questions.
Chakotay was straight and Tom wasn't. How was that supposed to work
I wondered. When I asked my best friend, he couldn't give me an
explanation other than they were in love. Not satisfied with his
answer, I pressed him.
With the biggest smile I think I've ever seen on anybody's face, the
tall blue eyed blond just shrugged his shoulders. With that vague
motion, everything became clear. Tom didn't know why he loved
Chakotay. He just did. That's how it was in this reality.
So maybe this wasn't an alternate universe. Maybe in this world it
was okay for my first officer and best friend to disregard gender
boundaries and fall in love. It's not what I'm used to and as much
as I don't understand it, it happened. So I guess if he can live
with it, so can I. His love for the commander doesn't change
anything between us.
Tom is still my best friend and I will always stick up for him.
Personal Log: Captain Kathryn Janeway
Against my better wishes Chakotay, my first officer and trusted right
hand has taken Thomas son of Owen as his husband. As captain of this
vessel, I had no choice to officiate at the ceremony but did so with
trepidation. I did not want to marry them.
There are so many wrongs with their relationship that I almost
refused to perform the ceremony, but I went ahead with it because
they love each other and my romantic heart wants to believe that's
all there is to happiness. It isn't.
Love isn't a holo romance. As much time as I lose myself in the
stories of years gone by, I'm still a realist. I know the difference
between fantasy and reality. I only hope Chakotay does too.
Tom is beautiful. I know that. Hell it is the true reason he's in
the Delta quadrant with us after all. I wanted him with me because
he reminded me of Owen. Of course at the time I didn't know we'd be
stuck here or that that Maquis captain we were chasing would be the
one to capture his heart.
Is that my problem? Did I want Tom for myself? Maybe I did. He is
the best of the man I once loved, so it is possible I suppose. I've
been so angry with Chakotay lately and perhaps jealousy is the true
reason. He has the man I want.
Whew, that one hurt. Admitting that Tom means more to me than just
an extension of his father is going to take time to get used to. Not
that I can do anything about it since he's married. Of course Owen
was married too but Chakotay is right. Tom is not his father. He
won't betray his marriage vows.
So here I sit alone in my cabin late at night, lusting after a man
who's now legally bound to my best friend and confidant. It's funny
that now when I most need his counsel, I can't ask for it. Chakotay
is fiercely protective of his new husband and would probably see me
as a rival. I'm not and could never be. Tom loves him and not me.
Oooh that one hurt too.
So I suppose I'll just have to get over him on my own. Pour my
unrequited feelings into my work, my crew and my holo novels. Unlike
Chakotay, Tom Paris isn't my everything and I won't die because I
can't have him. Lust is as curable as love is terminal. Besides, if
I really want a six-foot blond of my own, I believe there's one
waiting for me in astrometrics.
Now that might make for a nice change.
Personal Log: Commander Chakotay
It's four in the morning and my mate is finally sleeping. I suppose
I should be too, but I wanted to tell you a few things first before
turning in myself.
This was an important day for me father. It was my wedding day. I
finally married the person who has been under my skin since the day
we met eight years ago. His name is Thomas and yes, he's a man.
I know the union would be considered unconventional among our tribe
and a month ago I would have agreed, but not now. Tom has changed
that for me and shown me how limited my thinking was. I'm not sure
if it was his love, his trust or his beauty, that opened my eyes to
other possibilities. I just know that when the veil lifted he was
the first thing I saw and he was wondrous. It didn't matter that he
was a man. I fell in love with him anyway.
Did I say he was beautiful? He is, but it's a complicated beauty.
Tom cries when we make love and laughs when we're in danger. He
feels everything so deeply father, and with such brutal honesty that
it's humbling and empowering at the same time. Spirits and you
called me contrary.
Well it's late and I should go. Please know that I am happy and
loved. And if I could change anything it would be that you were here
with me to see it.
Good night father.
Personal Log: Lieutenant Thomas Eugene Paris-Chakotay
Man that's one hell of a moniker. Maybe I should shorten it?
Lieutenant Tom Chakotay does have a nice ring to it. Of course the
Admiral would probably have kittens when he finds out about the name
change in the next data stream but that was OK. It was time for the
old bastard to break his unusual attachment to the Paris name
anyway. I have.
Besides that's going to be the least of his worries once he finds out
I married a Maquis. A big hunky one that's hung like a horse and
fucks like stallion. Not that I'm going to tell the old boy that
part, I just like saying it out loud. In fact when I'm done here,
I'm going back to bed to say it to my husband.
Holy fuck my husband. Chakotay's my husband. I can still barely
believe he married me of all people. Not that I'm that bad of a
catch, I'm not thank you very much, it's just that he could have done
Chakotay is strong without being overpowering, behaves righteously
without patronizing, loves without smothering and can be sensitive
without appearing to be weak. His only failing is that he loves a
basketcase like me.
I know I drive him crazy with all my idiosyncrasies. What I don't
know is why he puts up with them. I wouldn't but then again I'm not
him. I don't know? Maybe this is something I shouldn't be examining
too closely and just be thankful for. Self-depreciation is something
I do far too often and will have to put on my list of things to work
Shit where was I? Oh yeah, my father and kittens. I plan on telling
him proudly with Chakotay at my side. Showing my father that I am a
changed man and no longer afraid of him. I might even cry and really
piss the old man off. And speaking of old men, I think it's time I
went back to bed and fucked mine.
He's only been sleeping 30 minutes, if he is at all. I wasn't when
he came out here earlier. Well time to go and find out. I miss him
and he's only ten meters away. Fuck, is he always going to make me
feel this crazy? I hope so because that's one thing about myself I
don't want to change.
So good night and end log.