Disclaimer: ST:Voy belongs to Paramount, but this story is mine.
Dedicated with love to Fabie. There's lots of angst, but also the
silent consolation of love and friendship (but not the usual h/c
stuff). Settled in the 5th season after "30 Days", based on a different
outcome of "Nothing Human". Oh, and later on, there's a touch of
Kashyk. The title is borrowed from the song by Sheena Easton, no
allusion to Bond movies intended (although the latest one is great).
For Your Eyes Only
That night in her bed, Kathryn cried herself to sleep. The
day's events had been so overwhelming, to say nothing of her very
opposing and conflicting emotions. Basically she'd punished one of
her crewmembers for something which she herself had done so
often. She couldn't tolerate one of her crew's insubordination of
course, but taken the point that there was no one to punish her for
her transgressions or free interpretations of the Prime Directive, it
really tore her apart.
She knew though, that she wasn't quite right about that last
bit. There was someone to punish her, and this someone was rather
pitiless in her verdict. It was she herself who submitted her to her
punishment, but hardly anyone aboard this ship knew that. There
were only three people who knew that side of hers: Tuvok, her
oldest friend. Chakotay, of course, whom she always thought he
knew her better than she herself. Sometimes she didn't know
whether to be glad or sad about that.
And there was Tom Paris. She'd never actually talked to
him about that, and it would never have crossed her mind to do
that. But a very considerate and caring man, he had picked up on
that. Tom had not always been like this, Kathryn had known him
for a long time now. He had changed, after Odile's death, into the
man she'd met in Auckland. From then on he had changed into the
reliable pilot of Voyager, the fiancé of B'Elanna. Since her death,
he had undergone some changes again, but opposed to everybody's
apprehension, this time he had changed for the better.
That was why Kathryn was so disappointed of him now.
She'd never thought him likely to make a Caldik Prime decision
again. But he had, and the worst thing was that Kathryn secretly
agreed with him, but that was something she could only admit to
herself—and even so only reluctantly.
So who was she to punish him so strictly? Wouldn't it have been
enough to restrict his replicator rations and confine him to his
quarters? Instead, she'd humiliated him by demoting and confining
him to the brig. But it was too late now as though she could change
her verdict. If she did that she would make all her decisions
questionable. Then she wouldn't be a good captain anymore, would
With a sigh, Kathryn got up. She knew that she wouldn't
get any sleep that night. She replicated herself a cup of coffee, then
stood motionless in front of the viewports. The stars streaked by in
colorful stripes, the usual vista when travelling at warp-speed.
There was the old question again. Was she still a good
captain? The last day's events had her questioning , second-
guessing herself again. It was almost as bad as it had been during
their crossing the Void. Another thought crept into her mind.
She should have insisted on the Doc's treating B'Elanna
with the help of the Cardassian xenobiologist. Maybe she would
still be alive now. But so—in respect of her strong feelings—
Kathryn had allowed the ship and the crew to lose a most valued
Again tears started to form in her eyes. Why did they have
to lose B'Elanna of all people? Not that she wanted to lose any of
her crew. But why B'Elanna? Kathryn missed her so much, not
only as an engineer, but also as a friend. And it was thanks to her
that Tom Paris had changed for the better. And it was thanks to
him that she had changed for the better.
What had she done? What?
"To what do I owe the honor of your visit?" asked Tom
sharply when he saw Kathryn enter the brig. He rose from his
bunk, carefully putting the padd he'd been working with on the
Kathryn cringed at his tone, but she didn't allow her face to
betray her. Instead, she dismissed the crewman on watch. She
needed to be alone with Tom. Why, she didn't know, hell, she
didn't even know why she'd come here in the first place—and in
her civvies on top of that.
"I need to talk with you," she said calmly as if she hadn't
heard the biting tone in his voice.
Tom folded his arms in front of his chest and looked at her
with a mixture of expressions: apathy towards what she was going
to tell him, bereavement and compassion, even understanding.
"As a friend," Kathryn added. Did he relax at that? She
keyed in a sequence of codes that deactivated the force-field that
had been erected between them. Despite its being invisible,
Kathryn felt strangely relieved after it had shimmered out of
Tom bit his lip to stifle a quipping remark. At the same
time he offered her a place to sit on his bunk. He didn't want to
make things worse. And he knew Kathryn well enough to know
that she really meant it when she'd said she wanted to talk to him as
Kathryn took the seat proffered. Then, without further ado,
she apologized. "I'm sorry, Tom."
"What for?" He didn't quite know what she was talking
"For everything," she said in a small voice. Still, Tom
wasn't sure what to make of her apology. But he didn't say
anything for he hadn't really planned anything for the next twenty-
one days to come. Did she apologize for that?
"I can understand you so well, it's just that the leopard
cannot change his spots, nor can I change my pips. That's why I
had to do this to you," she eventually said.
"Well," Tom mused sitting down next to her, "at least it's
not only me who has been punished by the stunt I've pulled."
Kathryn nodded. And suddenly, she realized that for once,
it hadn't been her—or at least not only her—who'd punished
herself. Usually, one might think, it wasn't too comfortable a
situation to find oneself in, but Tom understood that for Kathryn
Janeway this was a good thing to happen every once in a while.
"And I'm still sorry for B'Elanna. She would have loved
your stunt," Kathryn added. She grasped his hand and gave it a
strong, encouraging, passionate and agreeing squeeze. Tom knew
that she couldn't have possibly told him freely what she thought
about the whole matter, but this little gesture was enough for him.
Kathryn had propped herself up on one elbow, her free
hand was tracing the lines of the face of the man whose bed she
was sharing. Even for her it was hard to believe what had happened
in the past few years.
She had promoted Tom to Lieutenant Commander, and day
by day they had fallen in love with each other. It hadn't always
been easy for them, but eventually they had made it work.
Tom's eyes fluttered open, then he blinked. "Hey," he
croaked, producing a crooked grin. Kathryn smiled lovingly at him.
"Hey," she whispered and bent to kiss him. Gently on his
lips. Then she snuggled up closer to him and rested her head in the
crook of his armpit. She drew her fingers through the blond curls
of his chest. A purring sound escaped her when she felt his fingers
caress her back. "I could get used to this, you know," she
"I'd love to," Tom said, and planted a kiss on her part.
"Please make love to me."
A broad grin exploded on his face, and the corners of his
eyes were creased into a thousand tiny little wrinkles. "Talk about
spoiled Starfleet brats."
"That's an order!" she insisted and playfully slapped his
"Always at Her Majesty's service," he sighed.
"Yes," Kathryn purred emphatically.
"So," Kathryn drawled, her tone askance and somewhat
Tom shifted so that she slid off of him. He yanked the
blanket away and pointed at the viewport. In it they could see their
reflection as they lay in his bed, Kathryn in front of Tom. He'd
propped himself up on one elbow. "Look at us."
The reflection was washed with a soft golden light amid
the endless cold of the universe. The warm glow of their naked
bodies stood in stark contrast to the cold twinkling of the stars.
Stars that never rested, always busy streaking by them, whereas
they had been a couple for several months now.
"Incredible," Kathryn laughed.
"But so beautiful," Tom added, suddenly in a very solemn
mood. "Kathryn, have you ever thought of having children?"
Kathryn swallowed hard. Of course she had, but not
recently. She didn't want to think of it anymore. "I used to," she
said eventually. She knew exactly what Tom had implicitly asked
her. It was the only thing she couldn't give him. She closed her
eyes as the old pain welled up again.
Tom sensed that something wasn't quite right about this, he
felt Kathryn's uneasiness. "Hey, hush, love," he whispered and bent
to kiss her below her ear. Ever since she'd come to see him in the
brig all those years ago, he'd come to know her vulnerability. It
was hard to believe, but Kathryn was very vulnerable beneath her
Kathryn was grateful for his consideration. She turned her
head so he could kiss her.
"I want you to look into the stars. This is for your eyes
only," he whispered. He made her rest her head on his arm, with
the other hand he started to explore her body.
Kathryn did as he had told her. It was incredible. The
sensations flooding her body were almost overwhelming. She both
felt and saw his hands on her skin as it traveled down her body. He
caressed her nipples gently until she moaned with pleasure. Then
he let his hand glide down her torso, tracing the edges of her ribs,
down to the indentation of her navel. He smiled as she shuddered.
"So good," she sighed. All the time he kept whispering words of
love into her ear, and if he didn't, he nibbled at her ear, the neck,
"Remember, for your eyes only," he said. Then,
encouraging her to caress herself, he made her hook her leg around
his thigh. His fingers could then wander lower. A moan escaped
her when he dipped his fingers into her moist depths. The little bud
there was throbbing with life and craving. "Tom!" she shrieked.
"Let yourself go, Kay, let it out, love," he whispered,
watching her face in the blurred reflection in the viewport. Her
fingers joined his, both north and south. Together they completed
what he had started, now oblivious of their reflection. Tom had
glued his eyes to her beauty, and suddenly he remembered a face.
It was a man's, with ridges instead of eyebrows, dark wavy hair, a
dark uniform. He was the reason why she'd stopped thinking about
having children. In his cruelty he had ascertained that she'd never
have to think about that again.
Tom bit his lip. Right now, as realization hit him, she was
giving more to him than he could ever ask for. She was trusting
him completely, as she'd never done before. It was for his eyes
only, she was taking care of him even now. A dry cry erupted from
his throat. The feeling was almost more pleasurable than he could
have had were she taking care of his needs, too.
"I love you so much, Kay," he cried as she arched herself
into his body.