By: Amy Michelle Bitter (c)1997
Disclaimer: ‘Star Trek: Voyager’ and it’s characters are owned by the
almighty Paramount, Inc. Everything else is mine! (Take that almighty
Paramount!) All song lyrics used are owned by the individual who composed
Notes: This isn’t exactly a story. It’s more like a summary of what has
happened in the P/T relationship told from Tom and B’Elanna’s points of view.
“Show me love, show me life,
Baby, show me what it’s all about
You’re the one that I have needed
Show me love and what it’s all about...”
-Robyn, ‘Show Me Love’
If someone who have told me three years ago that today I would be madly in
love with Tom Paris, I would have laughed in their face! I thought Tom was
a arrogant, self-absorbed, pig! And, that was putting it mildly.
There was a time in my life when I thought that I would never love anyone
ever again. There was a time in my life when I felt that no one could ever
love me. I felt alone, unwanted, and unloved. That was my childhood.
I wanted to escape that existence so badly that I joined the academy.
That wasn’t for me either. I left before I finished my second year.
That’s when I met Chakotay and joined the Maquis. Even though for the
first time in my life I felt as though I had a family, something was still
“Mama never loved her much,
And Daddy never keeps in touch,
That’s why she shies away from human affection.
But, somewhere in a private place,
She packs her bags for outer space,
Now she waiting for the right kind of pilot to come...”
-Savage Garden, ‘To The Moon & Back’
When we found ourselves stranded in the Delta Quadrant, many members of
the crew were devastated. At first I was mad at Captain Janeway for getting
us all stuck here, but as time went on, I stopped being angry and realized
I really didn’t even care. I felt indifferent. I had nothing to go back to
the Alpha Quadrant for.
I began to make friends among the crew. Harry was one of the first
friends that I made because we were both in the Ocampan hospital together.
I could never understand why Harry was friends with Tom.
I still thought of Tom as a womanizing mercenary. I once heard Chakotay
say that Tom would fight for anyone who was willing to pay his bar bills.
Then came the incident with the Vidiians. I was split into two people;
one human, one Klingon. Tom helped me through that. I told him things
that I had never told anyone and he didn’t laugh or make fun of me. He
listened and he seemed to care. I started to see him in a different way.
I started to see him as a friend.
He proved his friendship to me on countless occasions. While we were
trapped in the caves on the Shakari planet, he admitted that he felt more
than just friendship for me. Even though I had the pon farr and it would
have been so easy for him to take advantage of me, he didn’t. When we found
my condition was life threatening, he was willing to help me. Again, I
found myself looking at Tom in a different way. I started to respect and
care for him.
Tom wanted to take our relationship further, I wasn’t ready for that. He
even said he wanted to see more of my Klingon side. I told him to be
careful what he wished for. Tom didn’t care about my past or about the fact
I was half-Klingon. He wanted me for me.
As time passed and Tom and I spent more time together, once again, I
found myself looking at him in a different way. I started to love him.
And, that scared me. I did everything I could to push him away.
“I want to push you around, I will, I will
I want to push you down, I will, I will...”
-Matchbox 20, ‘Push’
Then came the Day of Honor. It had started out as the worst day of my
life. Tom and I had designed a holodeck program together in order for me
to celebrate the Day of Honor. I decided the whole thing was stupid, and
once again turned my back on my past. Tom pushed me to accept myself. He
told me it was part of who I was. I just pushed him away again.
Later that day, I found myself facing death. Floating in space with Tom
in environmental suits and running out of oxygen, I finally realized what a
coward I was.
“I really feel
That I’m losing my best friend
I can’t believe this could be
-No Doubt, ‘Don’t Speak’
I gathered up all my courage and finally told Tom what I should have said
long ago. I told him I loved him. He didn’t respond except to question
why it took me so long to tell him.
We avoided each other for a few days before we finally talked about what
had happened. I again tried to push him away by telling him he didn’t have
to reciprocate and he could just pretend I had never said that I loved him
even though I meant it.
He silenced me with a kiss which was his was of telling me that he loved
me, too. We tried to keep our relationship a secret, but we didn’t do too
good of a job. Everyone knows now and seems to be happy for us. I don’t
need others to be happy for me. I’m happy for myself. For the first time
in my life, I’m happy. We’re both happy.
For most of my life, I felt as though the name Tom Paris was synonymous
with loser or screw-up. Let’s face it, my life was a mess. That was,
before I joined the crew of Voyager. And, before I met B’Elanna.
Ever since I was a kid, I felt like I could never do anything right. It
was usually my father, the great Admiral Owen Paris, who made me feel that
I knew from an early age that I wanted to be a Starfleet pilot. I wasn’t
sure if I was doing to please my father or not. But, one thing was for
sure, I was-- and still am one hell of a pilot.
Then came Cladik Prime. I caused the death of my colleagues. Instead of
telling the truth, I lied. I falsified reports to cover up my mistakes
because I didn’t want to let anyone down. I got off free, but my conscious
got the better of me and I confessed. I was ushered out of Starfleet and
became pretty much a wanderer. Sort of a rebel without a cause. My life
was a mess, but I didn’t care.
“Help me, I broke apart my insides
Help me, I’ve got no soul to sell
Help me, the only thing that works for me
Help me get away from myself...”
-Nine Inch Nails, ‘Closer’
I joined the Maquis, mostly because I wanted some place to fit in. I
gained a reputation in the Maquis. Everyone knew about Caldik Prime. They
all knew I was the son of an admiral. I was considered a mercenary by many.
And, of course, I was a womanizer. I cared about no one but myself.
“Is love really the tragedy
the way you might describe?
Or would a thousand lovers
still leave you cold inside?”
-Savage Garden, ‘Tears of Pearls’
Then, it happened. I screwed up again. On my first mission for the
Maquis, I was caught. I was sent to prison in New Zealand where I stayed
until one day I had a visitor; Captain Kathryn Janeway.
I never knew that by agreeing to help her, I would be getting a second
chance at life. When Voyager was lost in the Delta Quadrant, I wasn’t sad
like everyone else. In fact, I was happy. I would finally get a chance to
start over with my life.
However, starting over wasn’t as easy as I thought is would be. Some
people were able to see past what I had done. People like Harry and
Captain Janeway were willing to accept that I was willing to change.
Others still saw me as the womanizing pig that I once was. One in
particular was B’Elanna Torres. I wanted so much to prove to her that what
everyone said about me was wrong. By trying to do that, I began to care
I soon found out that B’Elanna and I had a lot in common. More than she
was willing to admit. I wanted even more to be her friend then. In the
process of becoming her friend, I began to feel more for her. She, too,
learned that I was someone she could trust.
I once admitted to her that I felt more than just friendship for her, but
she wasn’t willing to accept that. She pushed me away. B’Elanna, like me,
was deathly afraid of being hurt.
I confronted her many times about her pushing me away. Her response was
always the same, if I found it so hard to be her friend, then just leave
I tried, but I just couldn’t. I care for her too much. In fact, I loved
her. But, it seemed impossible that she would ever feel the same way about
I had finally come to terms with my past. I realized that we all have a
past. What’s important is how we live now. Too bad B’Elanna couldn’t see
that. She’d learned to accept my past, but she still hadn’t accepted her
own. B’Elanna had been running from her past for so long, she didn’t
realize it was part of who she was.
“Every little thing that you have said and done,
Feels like it's deep within me
Doesn't really matter if you're on the run,
It seems like we're meant to be”
-Backstreet Boys, ‘As Long As You Love Me’
I tried to make her see that. I even helped her design a program to help
her celebrate the Klingon Day of Honor. That day was a big turning point
for B’Elanna and I.
Once again, she pushed me away and for a short time I was willing to just
give up on her. Then, we found ourselves on the brink of death. I couldn’t
die without finding out how she felt about me. I asked her if she thought I
had changed since I met her. She admitted that I had changed, but then
tried to push me away once more.
Then, she finally gave in and told me how she really felt. As our
oxygen ran out, she told me she loved me. I found myself in shock. In my
heart, I wanted to believe that she did love me. But, something in the
back of my head told me it was the oxygen deprivation talking.
After avoiding each other for a few days, I finally approached her and
told her that I knew she didn’t mean it. She insisted that she did mean
it, but assured me that I didn’t have to feel the same way. There she
goes, trying to push me away again. But, this time, I wouldn’t let her. I
kissed her letting her know that I felt the same way.
Our relationship moved on from there. Now everyone pretty much knows how
we feel about each other. But, what’s more important is that I know that
B’Elanna and I are happy. We both have new lives now. Lives with each other.
I’ll be your dream, I’ll be your wish,
I’ll be your fantasy,
I’ll be your hope, I’ll be your love
Be everything that you need
I’ll love you more with every breath
Truly, madly, deeply do
I will be strong, I will be faithful
Cause I’m counting on
A new beginning,
A reason for living,
A deeper meaning....”
-Savage Garden, ‘Truly, Madly, Deeply’
That’s it! Questions, comments? Send them to me at email@example.com. :o)