By: Amy Michelle Bitter (c) 1997 (email@example.com)
Disclaimer: Star Trek and it’s characters are owned by Paramount, Inc.
Everything else is mine!
Dedication: This story is for my mom, Glenda, for making me go to the lake with her.
Notes: This story is told from B’Elanna’s point of view. It’s also kind of
sad. Let me know what you think about it. I’m not used to writing sad stories.
“Yeah, I’ll see you later.” Was all that I had said and given him a quick kiss on the lips. I never have been one for long good-byes. Tom and I had been ‘officially’ dating for one week . We were still in that awkward stage of our relationship. I’ve gone over that moment in my head so many times now. If I had known what was going to happen.... There was so much I never had a chance to say to him.
I was in engineering when I found out about the shuttle crash. “Please
don’t let Tom be hurt.” Was the first thought that had went through my head. I rushed to sickbay when I found out he was there. My mind was traveling at a million light-years per second. I felt my heart sink when I saw him, lying there on that biobed. Kes looked up when I entered the room. I could tell by the look on her face that his condition was not good.
I wanted to run. I wanted to run and hide. I thought that maybe if I
couldn’t see him, then maybe it wouldn’t hurt so bad. But, I didn’t. I
walked over to the bed and took his hand in mine.
“B’Elanna.” He struggled to call out my name gasping for air.
“Tom, I love you.” I said as I felt the tears began to well up in my eyes.
He seemed surprised considering it was the first time I had told him that.
Tom had said it before, I just never replied. He told me the day we
agreed to be ‘more than just friends’.
“I love you, B’Elanna.” He said so sincerely only one week ago. I just
smiled and said nothing. I did love Tom. I loved him with all my heart. I was so scared. I didn’t know how long our relationship would last. I was even more scared about how much I loved him. I’d never loved anyone more in my whole life.
Deep in my heart
Things that I’m longing
Scared to confess
What I’m feeling
Frightened you’ll slip away
-Madonna, ‘You Must Love Me’
“I love you, too.” Tom smiled as his blue eyes closed for the final time.
I loved those eyes. His crystal blue eyes.
“No!” I screamed and the tears began to stream down my face. Usually, I would have fought them. I hated for anyone to see me cry.
“Doctor, do something!” I screamed at the hologram. He was already trying to revive Tom, but to no avail.
“I love you, Tom.” I whispered again to his still, lifeless body. I turned
and left Sickbay. All I wanted was to be alone. I wanted to forget
everything. Everything about my life, about this whole damned mission, about Tom.
I entered my quarters and threw myself on the bed. I dried the tears on my face and that’s when I noticed it. The picture of Tom on my dresser. That was the first reminder. I looked around my quarters. It amazed me how I associated everything in the room with him.
I picked up the picture and examined it closely. “Why?” I asked it almost expecting it to answer, “Why didn’t I tell you sooner how much I loved you. How much I needed you.”
I heard my door chime. The last thing I wanted now was company.
“What?” I asked and Harry entered the room.
“B’Elanna, are you OK?” He asked looking so worried.
“Go away, Harry.” I said softly.
“I said, go away!” I screamed at him my Klingon side starting to show. I regretted those words the moment they left my mouth. I hate yelling at anyone, especially Harry, when he had just come to help.
“You know where I’ll be if you need me.” He said and left my quarters.
Almost two months later, and nothing had changed. I spent all of my time alone. Nothing could make me feel better, or make me forget. I wasn’t even excited when I heard the news.
Voyager’s had found a wormhole that lead to the Gamma Quadrant. With this, we would be home within a matter of months. I didn’t care. There was nothing for me to go back to.
I stood nervously in front of Captain Janeway’s ready room. I had given a lot of thought to this. I knew what I was going to do, what I had to do.
“Come in.” I heard her voice command.
“Captain, I’d like to talk to you about something.” I said.
“Of course.” She smiled warmly. “Sit down.” I think she thought I wanted to talk about Tom. Boy, was she in for a surprise.
“Captain, were going to be home soon,” I began, “and, I don’t want to join Star Fleet.”
“Well,” She said looking quite stunned. “Can I ask why?”
“This is your life, not mine.” I told her. “I’ve never fit in with Star Fleet, and I never will.”
“B’Elanna, I know your still hurting.” She said, “But, I want you to give
more thought to this.”
“I have given it thought, plenty of thought. This is what I want, Captain.”
“We have a few more months until we’ll be home. If you still don’t want to rejoin Star Fleet when we get there, I’ll accept that. But, I’m not going to let the best chief engineer I’ve ever had go that easily.”
“I’ll think about, Captain.” I lied. I had made up my mind. There was no changing it.
And there’s nothing at all
Yeah, there’s nothing at all
Well, there’s nothing at all
To make her change her mind
- Matchbox 20, ‘Damn’
“B’Elanna.” I heard a voice from behind me call. I turned around to see Chakotay standing in the corridor behind me. I waited for him to catch up to where I was.
“We need to talk.” He said and I knew that the Captain had told him.
“About what?” I played dumb hoping he would pick a different subject.
“Kathryn told me that you don’t want to rejoin Star Fleet.”
“I don’t.” I confirmed his statement and began walking again.
“B’Elanna,” He grabbed me by the arm and turned me around again, “What the hell is going on with you lately?” I saw the concern on his face.
“Nothing.” I said casually. “Star Fleet just isn’t for me.”
“You can’t keep running from your pain.” He loosened his grip and let go of my arm. We continued walking the rest of the way to my quarters.
“I’m not.” I told him.
“B’Elanna, you were running from your childhood when you joined Star
Fleet. You were running from Star Fleet when you joined the Maquis, and now your running from the pain of losing Tom by not rejoining Star Fleet.” Chakotay said. It was almost as though he could read my thoughts at times.
“This has nothing to do with Tom.” I snarled as I spun around to glare at him.
“This has everything to do with Tom.” He said calmly and walked away.
I entered my quarters. I paced the room for a moment trying to collect my thoughts. Trying to convince myself that this truly had nothing to do with Tom. I saw it again, the picture. I stomped over and picked it up off of the dresser.
“Damn you!” I screamed. “Damn you, Tom Paris!” I threw the picture as hard as I could across the room. I slumped onto the floor crying and wondering what my problem was.
“Why did you leave me?” I shouted, still screaming at the picture that
laid on the floor on the other side of my quarters.
I used to be so good at concealing my pain. Now, it seemed like all I
ever did anymore was cry or yell at anyone who was in my way.
The day had finally come. We were home. Well, at least it was what others had considered home. Everyone on Voyager was happy and celebrating. I was in my quarters packing. I never knew how much junk I acquired over the past four years. I picked up the picture of Tom that was still lying on the floor. I consider throwing it away, or just leaving it. But, I shoved it in my bag.
I walked across the Promenade of Deep Space Nine. It was full of people, happy people. Crew members of Voyager were being reunited with there friends and families and saying their good-byes to one another. I walked passed Quark’s. Tom must have told me the story about how he met Harry there a dozen times. There I go, thinking about Tom again. I was trying to forget about him. Why was it so hard?
I wasn’t paying the least bit of attention to where I was going and bumped right into Harry.
“Hey, where are you going?” He asked smiling broadly. He was so happy to be home.
“I don’t know, exactly,” I said, “I’m taking the first shuttle off of Deep
Space Nine. I don’t really care where I go.”
“B’Elanna, are you sure you want to do this?” He asked me suddenly his smile was gone.
“Yeah,” I assured him.
“Keep in touch. Let me know where you are when you get where ever you are going.” He said and pulled me into an embraced. I pulled away from the hug after a few moments. I hated long good-byes.
“See you around, Star Fleet.” I said and continued walking. I knew that was the last time I would ever talk to him.
For once I began to question my decision. I wondered if what I was doing was right.
It’s me, yeah, and I can’t
Get myself to go away
Oh God, I shouldn’t feel
- Matchbox 20, ‘Long Day’
A part of me wanted to turn around and tell Captain Janeway that I had changed my mind and now I wanted to rejoin Star Fleet. Another part of me wanted to go back and tell everyone good-bye. Harry was the only one I had talked to. But, I pushed both of those thoughts from my mind. I couldn’t rejoin Star Fleet, there were too many reminders there. And, as for talking to everyone, I couldn’t do that either. I never was one for long good-byes.
=/\= The End =/\=
I told you it was sad! I’m not used to writing such sad stories. I’ll go
back to my happy endings now.