What’s In My Head (NC-17)

Summary:  My coda to the 5th season episode “30 Days.”  This story is told from five characters point of view; while Tom is in the brig and after his release.

Codes: P/T, Janeway

Warning:  Consensual sex within.

Disclaimer: Viacom/Paramount owns the ship and all characters, I'm just kidnapping them for a good time.  I always return them.

21 December 1998.
Revised 29 December 1998.
Re-revised, 1 July 2000

What’s In My Head (NC-17)  By Annie M


It's dark and there is no light, except for the flickering of the Brig security console.  I know he can't sleep.

He's been here before, incarcerated I mean yet this time it's different.  This time he has no guilty conscience, no regrets.  I think we both know that what Riga and he tried to do was the right thing.  Did it make a difference? I hope so but only time will tell.

B'Elanna asked me to keep an eye on him; make sure he was okay.  I guess he is for the most part, but I know he has trouble sleeping.

Larson and I have heard him moaning or calling out in the night.   I don't know who is calling to or for and frankly, I don't think I want to know.
Larson and I are not here to baby-sit, we just follow the orders Tuvok issues us: Observation of the prisoner, escort the prisoner to the head, check all food and visitors for contraband.  Do not engage the prisoner in conversation unless absolutely necessary.

Tom and I have become friends but he understands my position and so does B'Elanna.  She's sat with me a few times in the Mess hall since Tom's been in the Brig.  We sit in silence mostly, she doesn't ask for favours or special treatment.  She'll just ask me very quietly, "How is he?" and I always answer with, "He's doing okay."
I know she misses him that much is obvious, I see the pain behind her eyes when she looks at me, I hear it in her voice.  I guess I can tell because I know what it's like to miss someone.

Mya and I had been married for three years before that damned Caretaker dragged me 70,000 light years away from her arms.  Alicia will be seven soon.  Alicia Ayala, my daughter, who I hardly know.

I thank whatever Gods exist for the Hirogen communication array we found.  Mya wrote me a beautiful letter and sent an image of the two of them, which I keep in my quarters.  I miss them so much.
I know it's hard for them but Mya said she would wait for me no matter how long it took for me to come back to her.  I was grateful for the words but I want them to be happy.  I can't stand to think about the loneliness she must be feeling, the loneliness I share.  It's too painful.


I thought seeing him would help.  I'd been a little shaken up by the whole incident.  Screw that! I was in shock.  When we opened fire on Tom and the Delta Flyer I thought I was going to pass out.  I don't know why but the whole time on the Bridge I kept thinking B'Elanna is going to kill us.  She is going to slit our throats and gorge herself on our innards.  Bizarre, but that's what popped into my head when the captain ordered Tuvok to fire.

Seeing him didn't help, at least it didn't help me.  He told me he was writing his father, laying a few ghosts to rest I had hoped.  Tom looked terrible and almost in the same breath told me he'd probably delete that same letter.  I got annoyed with him then and told him he'd be making a mistake.
He asked me to leave.  Tom can be so dense sometimes.  I don't think I can help him anymore and I sometimes wonder if even B'Elanna can.


I never knew I could miss anyone so much.  I never knew I could care about anyone so deeply. I've been going out of my mind this past month.  Missing him, needing him.  Kahless, I even miss our fighting!
I've kept my-self busy, there is always work to be done in Engineering, I've also managed to stay out of the holodecks--I do not want to repeat that experience again!

Reporting to the captain this past month has been fun.  I think she can tell I can't stand to be in the same room as her at the moment.  I know she had every right to sentence Tom and reprimand him for acting on a few principles but I get the feeling there was more going on than just that.  I think she took Tom's actions personally.

Janeway's whole demeanour has changed in the last few months.  She always seems on edge these days and very fractious.  Maybe she just needs to get laid.

It worked for me, for the most part.


Do they know how much it cost me?  Removing his rank, confining him to the brig, ordering Tuvok to open fire?
They don't know, they can't.  I'm the captain and the credit stops here.  I can't be seen to be weak and indecisive and I certainly can't play favourites.

I've never felt so alone or in need of council.  My crew looks at me through averted gazes and I can feel their ire, it's so palpable I can taste it.  There is a cold and unforgiving silence whenever I enter a part of the ship that isn't the Bridge. I hear the murmurs of disapproval as I wonder the corridors of my ship.  As a captain of a vessel I suppose that should be part and parcel of my lot but it was never like this.  It never felt so... hostile.


0700? Did she really say 0700?  It didn't really matter, dinner or breakfast; I knew damn well that we wouldn't be eating anything from a food replicator for a while.

Right now nothing else mattered but her.  God, I miss the way she looks at me when she's turned on.  I need to touch her again, taste her.  Fuck her till we both scream.

I hated being locked up.  I hated the silences and the hum of the force field; I hated watching Mike Ayala and Larson changing shifts; I hated to feel Voyager make a manoeuvre that was crucial without me at the helm.
I even hated having so much time to think, it brought back too many memories.  Prison life really isn't for me.
Okay maybe thinking wasn't so bad.  I finished the letter to Dad, that's something I guess, and it felt cathartic to do it too.

I have no regrets, I'm sorry I let the captain down, but I'd do it again.  I'd do it all again and more if I could.

B'Elanna has no idea how happy she made me when she said she was proud of me.  B'Elanna; my sweet, passionate, complex minx.
Didn't someone once say that not enough sex makes your dick fall off?  Well we can't have that can we?


I hear the word hypocrite quite often as I leave Engineering, more so there than anywhere else.  I feel myself hesitate at the sound of the whispered admonishments but I wont rise to the bait.  These are B'Elanna's people and I sometimes think her passion and loyalty to Tom has rubbed off on them.  I know they would follow her anywhere.  Up to a few weeks ago I was confident they would follow me too.  Right now I'm not so sure.

Tom had to be punished.  Did he really think he could take the law into his own hands because of his personal principles?
He knows me, he knows from which cloth I was cut--he knew there would be repercussions.  I gave him an order and I will not be disobeyed.  As a member of the senior staff he must set an example, and so must I.


He took me the first time just inside the door of my quarters.  I went to the door to greet him and he pulled me to him, lifted me up in those strong arms of his and melded his mouth to mine.  While we kissed he tore at my uniform not caring how he got my clothes off.  He eased me down still maintaining our lip lock and we continued to disrobe.  Moments later he was impaling me on his huge erection--no foreplay at all.  He held my buttocks, stood his ground and slammed into me with an intensity that made me bite my tongue.  I needed this as much as he did and I held on to him with my arms around his shoulders.  He was stretching me and it felt so good. Tom fucked me, fast and furiously, groaning against my ear as he came.
I hadn't come but I didn't care I just needed to feel him against me again and again.

"Sorry," he mumbled as he lowered me to the floor, still half hard inside me.

"Ssshh," I whispered back as I began kissing him again.  He was hard again in an instant and we both took a little time to explore a few other parts of our bodies that had been neglected over the last thirty days.
Tom really knows how to suck tit; he bit, licked, suckled and pinched my erect and sensitive nipples.  I'm pretty sure I was whimpering with delight as I raked my nails down his back and sides.
He started to move within me once more, and this time it was slower, sweeter, both of us participating in a rhythm we knew so well.  His lovemaking is glorious.  We came together this time both of us calling the others name.
I don't know how many times we made love on the floor, but it wasn't enough.  And I suddenly realised it would never be enough with this man.


The rug burns were starting to irritate me and I know B'Elanna had to be pretty sore, not just because of the carpet either.  I picked her up and carried her to our bed.  I don't know when I started to think of B'Elanna's bed as ours or my bed as ours, but I do.  I was stiff again and B'Elanna laughed at me, telling me I was depraved and morally bankrupt.  She shut up once I had my mouth on her pussy.  She is so wet and juicy down there.  I love tasting her and tasting myself on her is incredibly stimulating to me.  I hear her moans and sighs of pleasure and my cock stiffens even harder in response.

I lick her clean and proceed to kiss my way back up her body, which is shiny with sweat and heated from our exertions.  I kiss her deeply on the mouth and she groans a little louder when she tastes our combined juices on my tongue and lips.

She flips me onto my back and follows the pattern of my body hair down to my groin.  B'Elanna takes her time, anointing my nipples and belly with kisses, licks and bites.  I've never told her this but I love the way she marks me.
Before B'Elanna, the thought of having tooth marks on my butt or navel would have been a complete turn off.  Now I don't think I can live without them.
She reaches my penis and I feel it throb as her breath caresses it.  She flicks at the head with her tongue.  I gasp or groan I don't know which.  B'Elanna teases it a little more then I feel her swallow me into the warmth of her mouth.

Oh baby, suck it good.  Ohhh, yes, B'Elanna.  Please more.  Ohhh.

My hips come of the bed a little as I start to thrust gently into her.  She sucks harder at me and I feel her hands caress my ass, squeezing it.  Then B'Elanna sticks a finger up my butt.
Wahh! shit, I'm coming.  Coming so hard I don't think I can stop; I feel like my hips are buried in her mouth but she doesn't relent.  She drinks me in, savouring every, creamy, drop.  I feel myself shudder as my climax subsides.

She rests her head against my thigh placing small kisses there while she catches her breath.  I reach for her hand and our fingers gently entwine.

I do love her, but like so many other things I should share with her I keep this to myself.

We talked a little after this, just little things really, how much we missed each other; we tried to keep it light, and B'Elanna filled me in some gossip, only because I insisted.  I think our bodies were having the only serious conversation on board Voyager tonight.

We made love again soon after and I got a terrible cramp in my right calf.  The look on B'Elanna's face as I screamed out in pain, I think she thought I was having a heart attack or something.  I bucked her off me and grabbed my leg--Christ, what a mistake!  The pain was even worse.  I screamed in agony as B'Elanna tried to fathom what was wrong with me.

"Cramp!" I managed to gasp out.  She giggled at me and reached for the leg I was favouring then started to rub at my sore calf.  The pain started to ease after a few minutes and my laboured breaths returned to normal.  B'Elanna was still laughing at me.  Bitch.


I know I've pushed the boundaries of the Prime Directive on more than one occasion out here but in those instances I felt the end justified the means.
Damn it! Why am I even trying to justify his punishment to myself, I'm the captain of a Starfleet vessel, I decide whose right or wrong.  The moral or ethical stance is irrelevant.  Tom crossed the line.

No one person is bigger than this ship or more important than our objective in getting home.  I will not go to war with an alien race because we disagree with their ecological philosophy.

Home.  Am I alone in this desire to see the blue and white marble of Earth again, have I dragged this crew into a fantasy and a fools errand?  Sometimes I wonder and I lose heart.  But it's out there, and we are finding ways of getting closer.  God, I hope it will all be worth it in the end.  I don't want an epitaph on some godforsaken, Delta quadrant backwater planet.  I don't want to fail.  I can't.


I'm back on duty, Ensign Paris just doesn't have the same ring as Lieutenant Paris, but I really don't care too much about it right now.

Everyone, well not the big three, but everyone else has been great.  Being busted down to ensign for a good cause has gotten the crew to treat me like some kind of hero.  It's very weird, I'm not used to having people slap me on the back in the Mess Hall and say things like "Good job," and "You've got guts, Paris."

It's nice in a way but it's also embarrassing.

I think B'Elanna knows how I feel, but all she does is give me a knowing smile and a swot across the back of my hand as I nervously try and steal more food off her plate.  God, I love her.


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