Title: "Confessional"
Author: Annie M (trekgirl@blueyonder.co.uk)
Rating: PG
Codes: P/T, ?
Part: 1/1
Release Date: August 12, 2001

Summary:  Set soon after "Endgame."   There's still life
aboard the starship Voyager, and someone decides to pay a
visit to B'Elanna and Tom shortly after the birth of their
daughter.  Spoilers for various season seven episodes,
including "Endgame."

I've been struggling to write for what seems like a very
long time now, so, I'm just grateful I managed to finish
this short piece without deleting it. ;-)

Feel free to send feedback; I always appreciate it.

My thanks to DangerMom for beta reading.

Disclaimer: Voyager and its characters belong to Paramount.
I don't.
(c) Annie M--August 12, 2001.

~*~ ~*~
Annie M
~*~ ~*~

There are so many things that I've done badly; too many to
name and far too much to remember.

But this little girl, lying in my arms, nursing at my breast--
it's... she's a miracle.  Miral.

We decided to name her after my mother, not knowing if she
was dead or alive, and yet I had the feeling that I owed her,
my mother, some sort of immortality through our baby.  Tom
was surprised when I suggested the name, but he readily
agreed to it, after I convinced him Kuvah'magh was too
much of a mouthful for any kid to endure.  I like to think he
hid his disappointment well.

Now that she's here, alive and warm, strong and boisterous--
from the first moment the Doctor laid her in my arms--I can't
believe the things I was willing to do her.  I can't believe I
almost gave this moment up, replacing her with another.

I still feel myself shaking when I think about it; knowing that
those actions would have left me feeling more alone than I
could possibly imagine.  My life would have ended in so
many ways; guilt, my betrayal and self-loathing would have
consumed me--paralysing the love I sought to give to her
and to my husband.

I would have been so empty, and he knew it--saw it quicker
than I did.


I love him so much and what I did to him was so horrible....
I don't know if I would have had the strength to forgive me
the way he did.

"I know this sounds strange, but do you think that situation
actually helped you both in some ways?  Not that you didn't
always seem close, but I've seen a change in you both these
last few months--"

I never realised you were watching us that closely, but yes, I
guess it did.  We sort of had to learn to trust each other
again.  He had to learn to trust me.

I used to be afraid to tell him what I was thinking, but he's
even better at reading my moods than I am these days, and
it's good to know that I can go home to that kind of
security.  I need that; I need that in Tom; to be able to
just be me and not have to worry about--being me.

Have you ever had that?  Where everything else just falls
away and the only thing that matters is that he's there, and
he knows, just like I know him.  And everything's okay.

~*~ ~*~

Is that what she said?  Really?

You know it hasn't always been easy between the two of us--
I don't need to explain that--but she's everything to me.  The
baby too.  Being with her, having children, starting a family.
Yeah, I denied it for a long time--wanting those things,
admitting to myself that I wanted those things, but I did.

What she tried to do was hard for me to accept, and it hurt
me desperately that she thought I wouldn't want our child,
just the way she is--that I'd leave her and the baby because
their part--

I thought B'Elanna had accepted that side of herself, had
come to terms with it to some degree.  I was arrogant
enough to think that I'd helped her to see the positive side of
her dual heritage.  I was wrong.

I never really grasped how scarred she was by what she saw
as her father's rejection, or that she saw most of her life in
those terms.  I wasn't blind to it; I always knew that was part
of B'Elanna's vulnerability, part of my attraction to her.

I guess I didn't think I'd have to work so hard to make her
see that, not that I've minded.  Finding out about the baby
and B'Elanna's... withdrawal from me was sort of cathartic in
a way.  Ultimately I think it made us realise that we'd have to
open up a lot more to each other, be honest about what we
really felt; what scared us, what we wanted in life, and how
much we really mean to each other.

So, yeah, it wasn't easy, but we got through it, we're getting
through it--together.

"After the debriefings are finished that journey will begin
again for you both.  Have you decided what you'll do yet,
where you'll live?  I'm sure your family will be so glad to have
you home at last--and a grandchild too."

I know that you think it's wonderful that we're back in the
Alpha Quadrant and we're all finally home, but that didn't
really matter to me or B'Elanna.  Sure, it seems Admiral
Janeway did us a favour and got us home a lot sooner than
the--what was it, sixteen years?  Well anyway, it wouldn't
have mattered that much to us, not that you were looking for
an opinion.

You see I've been home, for the longest time now.
B'Elanna's home to me, Captain; she and Miral are all that
really matters.  The rest of it, well, that's all frosting.

~*~ ~*~

The end